My First and Only Male Stripper Experience: Part Two

You can read part one here
The Hostess walked in and told everyone to take their seats as Stripper Santa would be making his appearance shortly. There was a mad rush of women who ran to the back of the room. I was tempted to start knocking bitches to the floor so that I could grab one of the back row seats. After seeing Rico Suave Santa, I was preeeeetty sure he wasn’t going to be stripping down to “boxers!only!” and really didn’t want to be in the front row for the unveiling of that particular package. However, I remained calm and decided to wait until everyone had a seat to find my place. Of course, I ended up on a folding chair in the “front row.”

I was terrified for several reasons. I had never seen a stripper live and in person nor did I have any desire to see a stripper live and in person. What if he started grinding in front of me? What if his “Christmas Package” accidentally brushed up against my leg? HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THAT? Would I cry? Would I laugh? Would I want to kick it? Would I want to pet it?

Once everyone was seated, the hostess came out and was all “Ladies, are you ready for a little fun?” Most of the women were just as uncomfortable as I was, so everyone was kind of like “um, yes?” Except for one of the older ladies who I will refer to as “Marmen.” Marmen waved her Horny Flag high in the sky in the form of dollar bills and was all “WHOOOOOO! I”m READY!!”

The hostess took her seat and suddenly, a Little Person in an elf suit appeared holding a boom box on his shoulder. I hit the woman next to me and was all “I TOLD you there was an elf!” He ran around in the little space in the middle of the room trying to get the “crowd” pumped up. There aren’t any words to properly convey how mortified I felt in that moment. I put my head down, trying not to lose it because AN ELF RUNNING AROUND ASKING IF WE’RE READY TO WATCH RICO SUAVE SANTA GET TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF. HA HA HA HA HAAHAA”

He pushed play on the boombox and BOOYAH! Rico Suave Santa appeared in all of his wavy haired, chiseled body glory.
I wish I could remember the song that was playing as he started bumping and grinding, but for the life of me I can’t. I am pretty sure it’s because I went deaf and numb in that moment in anticipation of what was about to happen before my eyes. In fact, I’m getting all red with embarrassment as I type this. It was THAT bad.

Lil Elf was moving and grooving in the background as R.S. Santa began unbuttoning his Santa top. Marmen went nuts.
“WOO, BABY!” She shouted. He threw his shirt to the ground, walked over to her and began doing that move that strippers do where they do that wave with their body that starts with the head and travels down to their legs. Do you know what I’m talking about? If I could find my Flip cam, I’d totally re-enact it for you. That’s how much I love you.

It didn’t take long before the pants came off.
OH!
MY!
GOD!
NOT boxers.
Thong.
Bulge.
Ass.
Smooth.
BULGE.
ASSSSSSSSSSSS.

The older women in the room went ceraaaaazy. There was hootin’ and hollerin’ and woo’s! and hoo’s! and dollar bills! And then… there was me. With my head in my hands, praying to the Lord. “Jesus, please do not let him come near me with all of that hanging out all over the place.”

I lifted my head long enough to watch Rico Suave grinding his way towards me. I began to panic. Dear God, let him turn. Let him TURN. LET HIM TURN.

He didn’t turn.

As he got closer to me, I panicked. I put my hand up in that “Stop in the Name of Love” manner and said “NO!” He looked at me all “WTF, bitch?” And I looked at him all “I don’t want your jirating junk near my leg, asshole!”
It was totally awkward and I felt like an asshole but then Marmen came to rescue. “Get over here, Sexy.” She screamed. He backed up into her lap, laid back and started grinding her leg. Marmen loved it so much that she reached over and began TO RUB! HIS! NIPPLES! Rico Suave liked to have his nipples rubbed and I know this because well, ha ha you know. BONER! The lady next to me screamed “ewww” while I tried to catch my breathe from laughing so hard. The lady sitting next to Marmen didn’t seem to be phased by the boner whatsoever. She began slipping dollar bills into his g-string while Marmen continued playing with Rico’s chest area.

This only went on for a few minutes, but it felt like HOURS AND HOURS.

Eventually, the music stopped (Thanks, little elf man!) and Rico Suave picked up his clothes off the floor and exited the room. We all sat around, laughing and trying to process what had just happened. Out of nowhere, Lil Elf Man appeared and struck up a conversation with me. I was polite, but secretly hoped he’d go away. He didn’t go away. Instead, he asked if I wanted to dance. I was all “ha ha! No thank you!” But Lil Elf Man wasn’t hearing it. He grabbed the boom box, turned it on and started to dance. “Come on!” He said to me. ” ha ha! It’s ok! I’ll pass!” “COME ON! IT’LL BE FUN!” At this point, I stopped being so nice and was all “Really, I’d rather not, but thank you.”
Next thing you know, Lil Elf Man was tearing it up in the middle of the room WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON. Then! And I swear to GOD this is a true story, he came up to me and started dry humping my leg.. I was paralyzed for a second because PANTLESS LIL ELF MAN IS DRYHUMPIN’ MY LEG.

I was all “Dude! Get off of my leg!” And he was all “Come on! WOO!” And I was all “WTF LEAVE ME ALONE!” and he was all “ha ha ha! Merry Christmas!” And so I did what any woman with a half naked elf humping her leg would do. I kicked my leg in an attempt to fling him off. It didn’t work, but he realized that I wasn’t playing around at that point and so he dismounted on his own. I knelt down so that I could make eye contact with him and said something to the effect of “That wasn’t cool, Man.” in a Very Serious Tone.

And then I went home, took a Violation Shower.

The End.

79 thoughts on “My First and Only Male Stripper Experience: Part Two

  1. Mo

    Totally priceless! Dry humping little guys, nipples and boners!
    Thank you! I needed to laugh like this today!
    But I’m curious—did you tell your husband right away that it wasn’t “just boxers”??

  2. Y

    Mo– I did tell him. And because he is awesome, he laughed.
    Rhi– ha ha. I don’t think he was wearing a thong, but I can’t say for sure because I did not look directly in that area. I was scared.

  3. dana michelle

    “violation shower”
    Heee!
    Oh, you SOOO totally brought back my horrid stripper experiences. The first was in my early 20′s at a girl’s night out get together at a work-friends house (she surprised us with a stripper) and I’ve pretty much blocked that one from memory. I think I was able to just hang out in the back of the group and keep my distance. The second was when I was 28 and left that same job and the office threw me a going away party at a bar up the street, complete with male stripper, and they had people blocking the exits because they KNEW I would try to bolt. Horrible! Didn’t find the guy at all attractive and he wanted me to spray him with a spritzer bottle. * shudder * Everyone was laughing themselves sick cuz they knew I was mortified. The last one was a couple years later at my cousin’s bridal shower, while sitting at a table next to my (very prim) MOTHER! I don’t think he came near me, but I still wanted to melt into the woodwork. I remember my cousin’s mom (my ca-razy Aunt) whooping it up and getting all excited. That had to have been nearly 20 years ago and I still remember his bright blue thong. Blech!
    Call me a prude, but there’s just something icky about male strippers.
    Is there any room left in the violation shower?

  4. Kathy

    Wow. Just wow. Strange man junk in you general area is not cool but the elf humping your leg… I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. The visual is great, especially you getting down on his level to talk to him. The possibility that he was a naked elf humping your leg just goes beyond words.

  5. cindy w

    Oh my lord, this made me laugh so hard. Your reaction to Rico Suave Santa stripper – the STOP hand and the “NO!” – is the same thing I used at a dog that got all up in my daughter’s personal space at the park. The dog also gave me a “wtf, bitch?” look. Awesome.

  6. Julie

    “Jesus, please do not let him come near me with all of that hanging out all over the place.”
    I bet Jesus totally laughed his holy ass off just about then. Lord knows, pun intended, that I did.

  7. baseballmom

    HAHAHAAAAAA! OMG, ‘PET IT’ I just about died! I woulda ran, I swear…that kind of thing makes me so uncomfortable. I think I’ve seen one stripper, and I made damn sure I was in the WAY BACK of the room, unreachable!

  8. mickey

    OMG, that story was SO worth waiting to read! My coworkers are looking at me in alarm- I’ve been laughing so hard that there are stears streaming down my face and I’ve made some rather undignified snorts. (which is also getting me some odd looks from the officers wandering in and out of the office)
    You are a ray of light and happiness in my otherwise dark and dismal day! Thank you so much.

  9. Lisa

    That is the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this website, and that’s saying a lot. God bless you, you are a riot and have a wonderful, unique writing style. It’s so great in these somewhat depressing times to have people like you in this world who can lighten someone’s day.

  10. maggie, dammit

    Iaminshock.
    For real, like, shock.
    And the — what, the — and the part about the — and wait, BONER? and and and.. DRY HUMPING ELF ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???
    shock. SHOCK.
    ohmyhell.
    Awesome post.

  11. Belinda

    I had a male stripper jump on my table and use his um swizzle stick to stir my drink (can we say ow and ew) I had purposely sat in the back after being forced to ladies night by a friend when I was in my 20′s. I swear they have radar for the women that aren’t into it. The crowd started calling for me to drink the drink *gag* um as if. I was so pissed I made a HUGE scene and made them give me a fresh drink. Last time I ever let anyone drag me to one of those events.
    Your experience however beats mine hands down. Dry humping dwarfs trump penile stir sticks. I salute you.

  12. patti

    OH! MY! GOODNESS! That is the funniest thing that I’ve read in a long time. I will be laughing and laughing about this for the whole rest of the evening.
    Thanks! That was awesome!

  13. Suzi

    I read the last part, about you shaking the humping midget (there! I said it!) off your leg to my daughters, and the three of us giggled til our stomachs hurt. Don’t worry, parenting police. They’re grownups, almost.

  14. Lori

    “Rico Suave liked to have his nipples rubbed and I know this because well, ha ha you know. BONER!”
    HAHAhahahahahahhHAHAHAHAHAHA

  15. Jenn

    OK, OH MY GOD. I knew the actual stripper part was going to be VERY UPSETTING. But the little elf humping your leg? I can’t even express how horrified I would be. I think I might have literally LITERALLY died if this happened to me.
    You are a stronger woman than I. Oh holy Jesus.

  16. bobbi

    I laughed so hard reading this last night that my husband came in to see what was up. I made him read both parts, and he thought it was as funny as I did…
    Thanks for giving us the catch phrase of the week. I keep grabbing his nipples and he yells “BONER” and we laugh maniacally. We totally need a life…

  17. Missy

    HOLY. Mother. Fing. Shit.
    I cannot compose myself. There are just. no. words. That has to be the funniest thing I have heard in years. I am having ab cramps from laughing. There is actual snot.

  18. schoolofmom

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! OMG, Y, it’s only 9:40 and I’ve already hit the best part of my day with this post. AWESOME. And the elf? AWESOMER.

  19. patois

    Ho ho ho. That is one hell of a tale. I was right there with you, mortified and compelled to continue on at the same time. You made my morning. I’m going to have to bookmark this to keep coming back to laugh, laugh, laugh!

  20. Jessie

    That was some funny stuff, but I still think my favorite story is the one where you went to Mexico and had to take a shit in the middle of someone’s living room. Please post a link to that story because I went to find it the other day, for a good laugh, and I couldn’t find it.

  21. Cheryl

    I’ve been warned. If I am ever considering going to an event or at an event that will have a male stripper, I am bolting for the door. I’ll be the most embarrassed one there and I’m sure that is who he will single out for the laughs.

  22. Dawn

    OMG, I was giggling until I got to “I knelt down so that I could make eye contact with him and said something to the effect of “That wasn’t cool, Man.” Then I started laughing so hard my sides hurt. Y’s teaching moment with the stripping elf. LMAO

  23. Empera

    Okay that was friggin hilarious! So was he an elf in the sense like little person elf, or just dressed like one, lol! When reading this I was totally doing the mental picture and kept seeing a midget dry humping your leg! OMG bad mental pic too!
    I used to frequent the male stripper gigs a lot back in the days, then ended up being roommates with a couple of them, and I thought they were so hot, then after living with them for awhile and seeing their day to day habits, they weren’t so hot anymore, actually I stopped going to the stripper gigs. The funny part is they think their gods gift to women and are all “look at me I’m so hot!” And I’m like dood can you put the toilet seat down and flush the toilet when get you out of the john their is a woman in this house!
    So not hot anymore!

  24. Rachael

    Oh my God. So funny. I can’t believe that an elf dry humped your leg. The picture of you trying to kick him off like a dog almost made me fall of my chair.

  25. Drama Queen

    OH. MY. GOD!!! That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read!! Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse for you or any funnier for me, you took a violation shower! LMFAO!!! Fantasitic post!!

  26. Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas

    Jaw dropping! Holy frick I cannot believe the elf thing. And when you told him “not cool man” I completely lost my shit!! I’m still laughing.
    And I made the mistake of reading Belinda’s comment about the “swizzle stick” and I totally PIMMEL’d (puked in my mouth a little).

  27. Christie

    OMG, that was seriously funny. Reminded me of my first time being at a bachlorette party and my first stripper experience…holy shit if I didn’t jump the counter myself because I didn’t want this man’s stuff touching me either….but that sad part…watching one of those talk shows back in the day I think it was Jenny Jones or something…and he was on there. OMG. The title of the show was, “I’m a Stripper but I love me a Fat Woman!” I have never felt so dirty in my life just seeing him on tv….ugh.

  28. suzr

    great story that brings up an ODD memory for me. for my 12th birthday (yes, 12 as in not even a teenager yet!) my best friend at the time got me a stripper for my birthday party. my 12th birthday party…with a bunch of 12 year old girls! OH.MY.GOD!!! and I couldn’t even get my mom to kick him out. I had to do it myself and I was ONLY TWELVE!!! and yes, i did have to kick him out (not only was he taking off his clothes, but he was OLD and UGLY and had BAD TEETH) ICK!

  29. Karen

    LMFAO.. OMG I could so see that lil elf humping your leg like a little dog OMG hahahaha. Wondering though did lil elf have on a g-string and a buldge too ?

  30. Marcy

    Y….
    I have totally just pissed myself laughing… You are one of the people that I have read for quite some time now… and in some ways havemade it easier for me to start my own blog… Yours however my friend , Is priceles !!!!
    Great Post

  31. ironic1

    Hi, I’m a lurker… but I had to let you know that your severe stripper discomfort story is absolutely hil.ar.i.ous! Do you know how difficult it is to not LOL while your husband is on the phone and would not appreciate loud, hysterical laughter? Pretty damn hard, like Rico Suave, I’m guessing.
    Thanks for sharing your *ahem* pain.

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