My First and Only Male Stripper Experience

A while back I was talking with Angella about God and faith and prayers. It was an uplifting, inspirational conversation until I managed to turn it into a conversation about male strippers and “pulsating packages.”

I then proceeded to tell her about my first and ONLY experience with a male stripper. I had planned on writing about it here, but of course, I got sidetracked and forgot all about it. Lucky for everyone, my memory was refreshed last week while watching Hot Carpenter parading around in his “elf” costume.

I used to work for an afternoon school program through a local school district. For the most part, all of the women that I worked with were in the 40′s or older. So, when they told me that they had hired a stripper for our annual “in someone’s home” Christmas party, I was a little… surprised? I had never seen a male stripper before and honestly, I had no desire to see one. I don’t know, the idea of watching a mostly naked man grinding his junk all over the place doesn’t turn me. In fact, it kind of scares me. I don’t know, while I loves me some sessual relations, random thrusting dicks aren’t really “my thang.”

I expressed my concerns to the woman who had hired the stripper.

“It’s not going to be anything nasty, Y.” she assured me. “I’ve made arrangements for it to be good, clean fun. He’ll only strip down to his boxers.” She specifically said “Boxers” which led me to believe that it was going to be totally tame and pg-rated. I mean, it HAD to be as I worked with a bunch of prudes. Or at least I THOUGHT I DID. But more on that later.

I wasn’t sure how PigHunter would feel about me going to a party with a male stripper, but he’s such an easy going person I wasn’t too worried.

“Hey baby. There’s going to be a male stripper at our Christmas party this year, are you ok with that?”

“WHAT!!??THE? HELL?@ WHAT?”

“Um, they’re going to have a male stripper at our party this year, BUT! It’s going to be totally innocent, he’s only going to strip down to his BOXERS! Seriously! He’s not even going to wear a thong! They’ll probably just be cute little boxers with Christmas trees on them! And babe, I work with older woman, so nothing crazy will happen. BOXERS!!”

He laughed and was all “I don’t care, have fun.”

For the record, you have to know that I completely believed the whole “he’s just going to strip down to his boxers! It will be good, clean fun!” COMPLETELY BELIEVED IT.

The night of the party finally had arrived. I kissed my husband goodbye and he made some joke about the stripper and I was all “Babe! Seriously! ONLY DOWN TO HIS BOXERS! Do not worry!”

I arrived at the party and the ladies were all riled up about the stripper who was only going to strip down to his precious little boxers. We ate finger sandwiches, sipped on that nasty punch/7up drink as we wondered what he would look like and who would be brave enough to sit in the front row. After about an hour, the door bell rang.
“Oh my God! He’s here!” The ladies squeed.

Linda, the hostess who was in her 50′s, asked me to go with her to answer the door. “Why not?” I thought, and accompanied her to greet The Stripper. “You open it!” She said to me, all nervous like. And so, I opened the door. My mouth dropped and I didn’t say a word because “OH MY GOD IT’S RICO SUAVE IN A SANTA COSTUME.”

And also? “OH MY GOD RICO SUAVE SANTA BROUGHT A LITTLE ELF WITH HIM.”

I can’t really explain why I was so shocked. That’s a lie. Yes I can. I was shocked because I had imagined what this Innocent Stripper was going to look like and the picture I had painted of him did not look anything at all like Gerardo.

I finally was able to compose myself enough to say hello and let him in.
As soon as he made his way in, I ran back to the living room where all the of “Wimmins who work with Children” were nervously waiting for him to inform them that “OH MY GOD HE LOOKS LIKE GERARDO AND HE BROUGHT AN ELF!”

The Hostess walked in and told everyone to take their seats as Stripper Santa would be making his appearance shortly. There was a mad rush of women who ran to the back of the room. I was tempted to start knocking bitches to the floor so that I could grab one of the back row seats. After seeing Rico Suave Santa, I was preeeeetty sure he wasn’t going to be stripping down to “boxers!only!” and really didn’t want to be in the front row for the unveiling of that particular package. However, I remained calm and decided to wait until everyone had a seat to find my place. Of course, I ended up on a folding chair in the “front row.”

I was terrified for several reasons. I had never seen a stripper live and in person nor did I have any desire to see a stripper live and in person. What if he started grinding in front of me? What if his “Christmas Package” accidentally brushed up against my leg? HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THAT? Would I cry? Would I laugh? Would I want to kick it? Would I want to pet it?

Once everyone was seated, the hostess came out and was all “Ladies, are you ready for a little fun?” Most of the women were just as uncomfortable as I was, so everyone was kind of like “um, yes?” Except for one of the older ladies who I will refer to as “Marmen.” Marmen waved her Horny Flag high in the sky in the form of dollar bills and was all “WHOOOOOO! I”m READY!!”

The hostess took her seat and suddenly, a Little Person in an elf suit appeared holding a boom box on his shoulder. I hit the woman next to me and was all “I TOLD you there was an elf!” He ran around in the little space in the middle of the room trying to get the “crowd” pumped up. There aren’t any words to properly convey how mortified I felt in that moment. I put my head down, trying not to lose it because AN ELF RUNNING AROUND ASKING IF WE’RE READY TO WATCH RICO SUAVE SANTA GET TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF. HA HA HA HA HAAHAA”

He pushed play on the boombox and BOOYAH! Rico Suave Santa appeared in all of his wavy haired, chiseled body glory.
I wish I could remember the song that was playing as he started bumping and grinding, but for the life of me I can’t. I am pretty sure it’s because I went deaf and numb in that moment in anticipation of what was about to happen before my eyes. In fact, I’m getting all red with embarrassment as I type this. It was THAT bad.

Lil Elf was moving and grooving in the background as R.S. Santa began unbuttoning his Santa top. Marmen went nuts.
“WOO, BABY!” She shouted. He threw his shirt to the ground, walked over to her and began doing that move that strippers do where they do that wave with their body that starts with the head and travels down to their legs. Do you know what I’m talking about? If I could find my Flip cam, I’d totally re-enact it for you. That’s how much I love you.

It didn’t take long before the pants came off.
OH!
MY!
GOD!
NOT boxers.
Thong.
Bulge.
Ass.
Smooth.
BULGE.
ASSSSSSSSSSSS.

The older women in the room went ceraaaaazy. There was hootin’ and hollerin’ and woo’s! and hoo’s! and dollar bills! And then… there was me. With my head in my hands, praying to the Lord. “Jesus, please do not let him come near me with all of that hanging out all over the place.”

I lifted my head long enough to watch Rico Suave grinding his way towards me. I began to panic. Dear God, let him turn. Let him TURN. LET HIM TURN.

He didn’t turn.

As he got closer to me, I panicked. I put my hand up in that “Stop in the Name of Love” manner and said “NO!” He looked at me all “WTF, bitch?” And I looked at him all “I don’t want your jirating junk near my leg, asshole!”
It was totally awkward and I felt like an asshole but then Marmen came to rescue. “Get over here, Sexy.” She screamed. He backed up into her lap, laid back and started grinding her leg. Marmen loved it so much that she reached over and began TO RUB! HIS! NIPPLES! Rico Suave liked to have his nipples rubbed and I know this because well, ha ha you know. BONER! The lady next to me screamed “ewww” while I tried to catch my breathe from laughing so hard. The lady sitting next to Marmen didn’t seem to be phased by the boner whatsoever. She began slipping dollar bills into his g-string while Marmen continued playing with Rico’s chest area.

This only went on for a few minutes, but it felt like HOURS AND HOURS.

Eventually, the music stopped (Thanks, little elf man!) and Rico Suave picked up his clothes off the floor and exited the room. We all sat around, laughing and trying to process what had just happened. Out of nowhere, Lil Elf Man appeared and struck up a conversation with me. I was polite, but secretly hoped he’d go away. He didn’t go away. Instead, he asked if I wanted to dance. I was all “ha ha! No thank you!” But Lil Elf Man wasn’t hearing it. He grabbed the boom box, turned it on and started to dance. “Come on!” He said to me. ” ha ha! It’s ok! I’ll pass!” “COME ON! IT’LL BE FUN!” At this point, I stopped being so nice and was all “Really, I’d rather not, but thank you.”
Next thing you know, Lil Elf Man was tearing it up in the middle of the room WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON. Then! And I swear to GOD this is a true story, he came up to me and started dry humping my leg.. I was paralyzed for a second because PANTLESS LIL ELF MAN IS DRYHUMPIN’ MY LEG.

I was all “Dude! Get off of my leg!” And he was all “Come on! WOO!” And I was all “WTF LEAVE ME ALONE!” and he was all “ha ha ha! Merry Christmas!” And so I did what any woman with a half naked elf humping her leg would do. I kicked my leg in an attempt to fling him off. It didn’t work, but he realized that I wasn’t playing around at that point and so he dismounted on his own. I knelt down so that I could make eye contact with him and said something to the effect of “That wasn’t cool, Man.” in a Very Serious Tone.

And then I went home, took a Violation Shower.

The End.

47 thoughts on “My First and Only Male Stripper Experience

  1. mickey

    Oh, I can’t wait to hear the end of this story!
    I’ve been to one “male revue”, under protest, and have an embarrassing photo to remember it by. I’ll tell you the story after I get to see how yours ends!

  2. vertyeux

    OMG, I cannot wait for the rest of this!
    Yes, older “pseudo-prude” wimmins are the worst! On my 21st birthday, my MOM and MY BOSS (a woman my mom’s age) took me to see strippers (one of those “male revues” that they do at restaurants and clubs or whatever on totally random nights). Yeah, these “prudes” took more package pics than I’ve ever seen outside of a porno mag, and while there my mom fell off the chair she was standing on, trying to get a better view.
    So cannot wait to hear what these evil, evil women did to our poor innocent Y!

  3. HeidiChick

    ha ha – does that mean you’ve never sat in the front row of “Puppetry of the Penis” while 8 months pregnant either?
    Its a “must do” on the ‘life list’ sorta thang. : )
    Since I”m not over 40 – I know those wimmins (love that!) were NO WHERE near tame. I’m holding my breath for PT 2!!

  4. Lara

    TEASE!! I will anxiously await installment #2.
    In the meantime, though, I must tell you about the time that I dragged my newly-out-of-the-closet best guy friend to a gay bar in Chelsea in NYC when he’d confessed to me that he’d never been to one. It totally turned out to have a stripper that danced on the bar, and he got almost completely nekkid except for this weird plastic red thing over his…er, THING. Ew. I later found out that bar was called Rawhide. Heheheheheh

  5. Leah

    While I wouldn’t go to a party with a male stripper, I have to say when I originally saw the video in the 80′s I thought Gerardo was very cute! I just watched the clip you provided and I have to say I love the way he rolls his R’s and says rico suave and I still think he is hot! Can’t wait for part 2.

  6. The Over-Thinker

    Oh holy geebus. Any chance that Part II will have pictures from the event? My guess is that certain parts will flop on out of the boxers and the elf will jingle his bells. Am I right???

  7. angie

    Oh, this is going to be good!
    For the record, I HATED my one and only experience with a male stripper. Let’s just say there was running down a hallway to get away.
    Ick.

  8. patois

    Okay, can I just say that when I got to the part that said you worked in an afternoon school program, I was really glad you quickly made it clear the stripper wasn’t actually seen there? Okay. Now I can finish reading.

  9. Joy

    I will totally chip in for pizza and help finish your work to hear Part II sooner, the suspense is killing me :)
    I remember that song from when it first came out; it was the first time I had ever heard the word gigolo, and I had to look it up. I swear I blushed at the dictionary!

  10. Katie

    Part 2! Part 2! Part 2!
    So today I carefully composed an email to a business associate — someone our company does NOT want to annoy. The person’s last name was Rico. AFTER I sent the email, I realized I had addressed him as Rico, as in first-name-Rico. Niiiiiiiiice. Then I thought to myself “why would I have done that?” I’m thinking that since I read this post earlier today, Rico Suave was stuck in my head all day! Hopefully he’s the type of guy who is addressed by his last name all the time and will think nothing of it. Probably not though.

  11. Mollie

    Ummmm Y? Why are you the only one that can make me laugh at something such as: “until I managed to turn it into a conversation about male strippers and “pulsating packages.”
    I love you. I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU.
    xo

  12. girlplease

    Ah yes, strippers. I was just informed by the man that his new cilent meeting is at…..a strip club. They have some mega aquarium they want him to service.
    I saw it’s located right behind the cashier (so said the internet). I’m going down there to put a tape line and tell him that he cannot cross pass this line.
    Plus it’s an all nude bar. I mean, seriously think of the upholstery stains? That’s a whole lot of bacteria and hazard going on. We don’t need denge fever entering this house.
    Plus me being pregnant, no man would want a 7 month preggo entering the bar yelling at the strippers to back the fuck off.

  13. The Aitch

    OMG – no he did not look like Gerardo! LOL
    Thanks so much for embedding that Gerardo performance because It reminded me of how I used to practice dancing like those girls in the background in my living room in 10th grade.
    CANNOT wait to read the rest of the story!!

  14. Paula

    So funny…he brought an ELF??? Can’t wait for part 2!! Oha and thank you for posting the Rico Suave performance!! As soon as the vid started I knew exactly where it came from. I can recall being a freshman in high school and staying up late to watch that EXACT performance on Arsenio. I had a kind of obsession with Gerardo. Did you know he had a part in the movie Can’t Buy Me Love? Gerardo and McDreamy at the same time?? 80′s Heartthrob Heaven!

  15. Lauren

    HILARIOUS!!! Can’t wait to read more…
    Also – you’ve been TAGGED. I follow your blog but have never left a comment. At least this gets me into the blog community – so I’m passing it on. Play if you want… my blog explains. Thanks!

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