Collect THIS

I’ve changed hundreds of poop diapers.
I’ve had to wash sheets that had poop from a leaky diaper.
I’ve washed dirty chonis with poop-streakmarks.
I’ve looked in the toilet to see the color of my kids poop.
But never in my life, EVER have I had to HOLD A CUP UNDER MY SONS BUTT TO COLLECT HIS POOP and then HAVE TO USE A LITTLE SCOOPER TO DISTRIBUTE THAT POOP INTO TWO SEPARATE CONTAINERS.
He hasn’t had to go since we’ve been home, and I’m thanking God for that because Tony isn’t here to help me because OH MY GOD I CAN NOT DO THAT. I mean, if I just had to put the poop in the container, fine. But to have to actually PUT A LITTLE SCOOPER IN IT and SCOOP IT and PUT IT IN LITTLE BOTTLES?
But it’s my SON’S poop! I should be happy to do it! Because he’s my son! And it’s HIS poop!
It doesn’t matter. It’s POOP. And I’m going to have to GET CLOSE TO IT. And SCOOP IT.
S-C-O-O-P I-T.
I used to be a teachers aide in a kindergarten class. This one time? A little girl threw up during the class, and I, the ADULT in the room, screamed and ran like hell out of the room. I literally screamed “OH MY GOD! SHE JUST PUKED” and I bolted.
I got busted and was given the speech about how “I was the example to the children” and when I “run out hysterical, it makes the children hysterical” and I was paid to make children “feel safe.” Not “Scared.”
I bring that up because, I can not handle bodily fluid issues.
Ask Tony. I’ve never ONCE had to clean up a throw up mess in this house. He’ll do it everytime because I cry and gag and he yells at me “GO AWAY I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT!”
I can honestly say that this, this catching and scooping of the poop, is going to be the hardest, most challenging thing I have ever had to do as a parent.
But I’ll do it because I love my son, I’m worried sick about my son and I want more than anything to know that he is going to be just fine. And when I DO find out that “everything’s fine”? (Thinking positive thoughts, people, because thinking bad thoughts makes me cry) I WILL NEVER, FOR AS LONG AS HE LIVES, EVER!! LET HIM FORGET WHEN I DID FOR HIM THE DAY HE HAD BLOODY POOP!

27 thoughts on “Collect THIS

  1. Mieke

    Silly girl, you used to change his poopy diapers. You wiped shit up all the time. This is the same thing. Poor sweet boy.

  2. Y

    No, it’s not the same thing. But yeah, poor sweet boy is right. My heart hurts for him.
    Lucky for all of us? He has my sense of humor and is laughing about it. He’s all “you have to catch my poop!”
    I love him

  3. Nicole

    I’m glad he still has his sense of humor! LOL! But I hear you on the bodily fluids thing…..I can’t handle it either. I don’t even have to make a fuss, cause I have my husband now trained to clean it automatically. LOL!

  4. geeky

    have you ever tried collecting a stool sample from a dog? now that’s kinda funny. they tell you to get a pan, and when the dog squats, shove it under there to catch it. easy enough, right? but nooooo. when the dog sees you following his ass around with a pan, he keeps running away because why the hell are you trying to stick that pan under his ass!?
    anyway, i don’t envy your job at all and i hope your son turns out to be perfectly fine, which i’m sure he will. :)

  5. Jenny

    Okay, maybe saran wrap over the bowl but under the seat, so the poop lands on that? And then you can take the saran off the toilet and sort of shake it into two containers? I mean, that way he’s able to sort of do it without an audience.
    One of my kids swallowed a penny, and I had to squish the contents of diapers around in ziplock baggies for 18 hours until the penny came out. At least it kept the stink to a minimum.
    Once it’s over, you need a double shot of something.

  6. Mieke

    You’ll have to tell us when you catch the poop if there is still blood. In the mean time, how are all of you feeling?
    Oh. and some SERIOUS name dropping on my blog tonight. And I didn’t even mention that I met John (Dukes of Hazzard/Smallville)Schnieder fame in a meeting yesterday. He’s huge, handsome, and has a deep voice, but that’s the least of my name dropping today. You are sooooooooooooo going to roll your eyes at me.

  7. hed

    Especially considering that you have to put just the right amount of the poop in the bottles. Good times. Had to do that for myself a couple of years ago after a bad Taco Bell experience. Never eating there again. If it means placing my own feces into a bottle, nope. Not gonna go there.
    Placing someone else’s feces in a bottle is a completely different story altogether though. And I completely agree with Chasmyn. THAT, THAT, is love.
    -H

  8. Nancy

    My personal (new) rule is NO GOOGLING FOR SYMPTOMS. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve broken the news to my husband that I probably had cancer. Because no matter what symptom you google, it turns out to be a symptom of some kind of cancer. It’s better not to think about it. Anyway, fresh blood, drops of blood, I don’t think that’s the kind of blood in the stool you worry the most about. I had to take my own poop to the doctor once and I did the plastic wrap under the seat. It worked. Anyway, I know how you feel. I guess all of us with children can relate to that fear. I’ll be anxiously awaiting an update.

  9. Mellissa

    I had to get a urine sample from my cat a few weeks ago. I waited until he needed to use the litter tray then stuck a scoop from a box of washing powder under his tail. When he felt it there, he lifted his butt up a bit and WHOOOOOOOSH – pee, straight in the scoop. Amazing!

  10. halloweenlover

    You are a very very very good mama, Y. I pray that this is one of those “not as bad as you think it is” situations. I love that your boys are so totally comfortable around you. I didn’t think boys were normally like that! I am also thinking back to the, ummmm, hair on certain areas story.
    Geeky, you should try getting a dog to PEE into a cup sometime. It entails following him around and hoping no neighbors are watching while the dog tries frantically to get away from you because he doesn’t want the tupperware near him. Good times.

  11. Beth

    OMG, Jenny’s Saran Wrap idea is brilliant! And couldn’t your son scoop his own poop into the containers? I mean, he’s obviously got a sense of humor about it.
    Holding good thoughts for you and your son. I’m sure it’ll all turn out to be nothing. :-)

  12. Cindy

    Mmmmm scooping the poop…now THAT sounds like a fun experience! Gag. I’m with you. I’d do it, because it’s my child, and I love her…but OMG! Scooping the poop!!!
    I’d definitely be inclined to try the saran wrap idea…

  13. chris

    Oh, I had to do the poop scooping thing before. And I gagged the entire time.
    The lab gave us a thing to put on the toliet to catch the poop… kinda like a potty seat. They called it a hat, which freaked my son out, because WHY do you have to poop in a hat?!
    Hoping that this turns out to be nothing and that one day you’ll all be laughing about the time you had to scoop the poop.

  14. gc

    Hey, just think of the blackmail/guilt trip possibilities. You can tack this on to the “I carried you for 9 months and labored for so many hours.” 😛

  15. Heather G

    I am a new reader of your blog and you are so very funny.
    I have the 3 older girls, (11-9 and 8) and our baby, my bucket of joy is 2 years old and the only BOY!
    (Yes, I did it! I had a boy! Of course he’s running my ass to death, but he is my precious angel. I love my sassy-girls too, but I think my little boy just threw me over the edge of bliss! )
    Nonetheless, I did the whole saran wrap thing with my middle daughter. I swear that child didnt poop for days because she wasnt going to have me standing there watching her! A friend told me about the Saran wrap and it worked and kept things, shall we say…….NEAT?
    There is no dignity is separating and sharing the sample with another container, but we’re moms and this is the kinda crap we have to do. (Pun intended)
    Good luck !!
    Thanks! And keep writing, you have awesome talent with one hell of a comic flare !

  16. claudia

    cool, i thought i was the only one that called them chonis! i hear you.. you’ll never love anyone any more than you do your kids… but thats POOP! I hope all is well with you and your kids. =)

  17. Natalie

    Oh my God, that kindergarten comment? I just laughed so hard that my mother yelled at me. I’m 24 years old, and my mom just scolded me because of you.
    “OH MY GOD! SHE JUST PUKED!”
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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