Category Archives: Parenthood

Fuzzy

Yesterday, I was standing outside in the front walkway, waiting for my husband to come home from work.
I do that sometimes, because I miss him all day long and by the time 4 o’clock rolls around, I can not WAIT to see him and kiss his grubby face.
So, I’m standing out there, waiting and my oldest son, Andrew, walks out to talk to me. As he’s talking, I am drawn to his upper lip.
“Could it be?” I think to myself as I lean in a little closer.
“OH MY GOD, IT IS!”
He’s talking and I don’t hear a word he’s saying.
I interrupt him.
“ANDREW JOSIAH, YOU ARE GROWING A MUSTACHE. DID YOU KNOW THAT?”
“No I’m not!”
“Yes, you are. OH MY GOD.”
My son has A FUZZSTACHE!
As soon as Tony pulled up, I grabbed him by the arm and said “Look at Andrew’s lip and tell me if you see what I see.”
He looked. Closer.
“HA! He’s starting to grow a little mustache.”
“CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? OUR BABY HAS FACIAL HAIR!”
I suppose I shouldn’t be so shocked, considering he’s had Hairy balls since 2002.
But I am. Totally shocked, happy, excited because MY BOY IS GROWING UP! Sad, because MY BOY IS GROWING UP!
I was obsessed with it all night.
“How’s your ‘stache?”
“Stop it mom.”
“Hey, mom, do you know what my friend said while we were playing basketball yesterday?”
“Um, nice stache?”
“MOM!”
That’s all I talked about all night.
His Fuzzstache.
Because that’s a really big deal. I can’t get over it. I want to take a picture of it, but he won’t let me. Something about it being “embarassing”. Whatever.
The truth is, the older he gets, the more I respect his “privacy”. I don’t write a lot of things I want to write about him on here anymore (except to mention HAIRY BALLS EVERY CHANCE I GET) because I feel akward doing it now that he’s entering his “Teens.”
That’s right, in less than 2 months, “First baby will be thirteen years old.
And he will have the facial hair to prove it.

Busted Booty

I’m exhausted.
And what is one to do when they are mentally exhausted?
Bust out the Coconut Parrot Bay, that’s what.
The boys begged me to let them spend the night at a neighbors house tonight. I didn’t want to let them at first, but I am so damn exhausted, I said “YES!”
At first, Tony was pissed off that I said yes, then, IT CLICKED.
“No boys.” “Rum.” “She’s not wearing a bra.” “I’m horny.” “Penis.” “Vagina.”
Next thing you know, he was all “Have fun boys!” and “Can I get that rum and coke started for ya, baby?”
See, we both get a little too excited when we get a night without the boys because having sex with growing boys in the house is dangerous business. Especially now that one of them has taken The Puberty Classes and knows what Mommies and Daddies do. So, when they’re not here, it’s like NAKED PARTY FOR TWO IN THE BEDROOM.
When the boys were a bit younger, we used to joke about tying cow bells to Andrew’s ankles because I SWEAR TO GOD, every damn time we’d get our groove on, we’d hear him crawl out of bed and we’d have to jump into the “Fake Sleeping” position whilst pulling up our pants to avoid getting caught.
We’d be like “CAN HE SMELL THE SEX? WHAT THE HELL? COWBELLS FOR HIM!’
(this is the part where the “coconut” is kicking in, so, um, keep that in mind.)
We were always careful to shut the door and to be very quiet.
But there was this one night….
Tony wanted to Do It. And I was like “Let’s!” And so, the clothes came off, the bodies started touching and next thing you know, we were Full on Boinking. ON A WEEK NIGHT! Because we are Fuh-reekay, like that.
Anyway.
I don’t want to get too graphic here because there are certain people named MELLY who get all grossed out when I even MENTION having The Sex with PigHunter, but, um, he was “on top” Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It and all of a sudden, he STOPPED.
Then he looked at me. Then, he looked to see where my hands were.
To his HORROR they were NOT touching his ass.
Next thing I know is I hear my son’s very sweet voice uttering the following words.
“hehehe, I’m touching your booty butt, daddy.”
He rolled off of me, I pulled the covers over my Lovely Lady Lumps and um, he pulled the covers over his “booty butt” and we both just layed there wondering what to say to this sweet, innocent little 4 year old who had just squeezed his fathers NAKED, CAUGHT IN THE ACT OF THE BUMP AND GRIND A-S-S.
He laughed again, “hehehe…I saw your naked butt, daddy!”
“Yes, you did. Why did you get up from bed?”
“I was thirsty. heheh BOOTY BUTT.”
We realized he had NO CLUE what he had just, uh, “stumbled upon” and so we said as little as possible, perhaps something about “Wrestling” and sent him back to his bed.
He never mentioned another word about it, and NEITHER DID WE.
Moral of this story?
NEVER DO IT WITH THE DOOR UNL0CKED and if you must?? (because your husband keeps “forgetting” to buy a new door knob with a lock on it because “he can hear them when they get up, so don’t worry and GET NAKED, WOMAN.) COWBELLS, people.
Cowbells.

To answer the question….

“Why haven’t you been posting much?”
Um.

That’s why.
The thing about having THREE kids is this…
When one gets sick? They ALL get sick because no matter HOW MANY TIMES YOU TELL THEM TO STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, they end up in the same room, coughing all over each other, rubbing their infected eyes together, sneezing in each other’s faces.
Andrew? Bronchitis.
Gabby? Ear infections. Cough. Wheezing. Eye infections.
Ethan? Possible strep throat Some type of bacterial infection. The Flu. Pink eye.
$120 have been spent since friday on co-pays and prescriptions. I’m not complaining, at least we have insurance, but man, that’s a whole lot’a sickness all up in this house.
There are so many damn medications, I’ve actually screwed up and given the wrong drops in the wrong eyes. Andrew’s accidently taken Gabby’s antibiotics. IT’S KARAAZZZEEE up in this House O’Germs. Wild and Crazy, I tell you.
So, again. That’s why.

Wearing off…. (kind of)… (sort of)… (just a little bit)

I’ve told you before about The Charm. How my daughter uses it to get out of pretty much any trouble she gets into.
Well, “The Charm” is losing some of it’s “cred” with Momma.
I mean, she’s really cute and all, but when she slams her head repeatedly on the ground to demonstrate just how pissed off she is that you took the pencil away from her, NOT SO CUTE.
Recently, I asked her to throw something in the trash and to my surprise? She did it! So, I clapped and cheered! “Yay! Gabby threw away the trash!” And when daddy came home, I showed him what she had learned and we all clapped and cheered “Yay! Gabby threw the trash away!”
What I did not realize at the time was that she would think it was cute to THROW EVERYTHING SHE GOT HER HANDS ON AWAY because, “Hey! The People cheer when I throw things in this white box!”
I couldn’t find my keys anywhere this morning and after hours of searching, it hit me… “Look in the trash.”
The trash that was full of raw chicken skin and tomatoes chunks and dirty diapers because The Children were too cold to take out the trash last night and mama let them slide. And thank goodness for that because GUESS WHERE MY KEYS WERE?
I stuck my hands in, dry heaving the entire time and WHAT DO YA KNOW! My keys, they were there at the bottom of the trash.
I’m pretty sure she clappped and cheered when she threw them in and thought “wow, I’m so cute! And smart! I wonder how my parents can stand it!”
I can’t stand it most days, because, My God, the girl is beautiful, smart, hilarious and she farts on command.
But lately? The Charm is being overshadowed by “The Stubborn” and “The Cranky” and “The Slightly Evil.”.
Yesterday, I had to add “Sweep” to the List of Things I Can Not Do While Gabby is Awake because she MUST PLAY WITH THE PILE OF DUST. And if I tell her “no!” All hell breaks loose. And when I say “hell” I mean, Full Blown Tantrums. How DARE I not let her play in the filth.
Other “things” included on that list are
1. Load the dishwasher
2. Watch Tv
3. Eat
4. Poop (which, not really a problem considering I haven’t gone in oh, what 5 days?)
5. Talk on the phone
6. WRITE WITH A PEN, PENCIL OR MARKER
I’m forgetting one. What IS it. Oh! Yes! FOLD AND PUT AWAY CLOTHES !

I tried that the other day and five minutes after putting all of her neatly folded clothes away? That happened.
Of course, she busted out The Charm BIG TIME and flashed that big, goofy smile of hers when she realized I was SLIGHTLY PISSED. And it worked, but I’m telling you people, IT IS LOSING IT’S MAGIC BECAUSE GIRLFRIEND IS OUT OF CONTROL.
I can only imagine the teenage years.
God help us all.

Truth and lies

I’m not the smartest person in the world, not the prettiest, or the funniest. I am not good at much and sometimes I wish I was better at so many things.

But I have you. All three of you. You are all that is good in my life. Each one of you perfect in your own way. I feel as though I don’t deserve you sometimes, but my GOD, I love you. Each one of you. Your love, your smiles, your personalities, they melt away the sadness in my heart. I see you smile, I hear your laughter and I know I’ve done something right. You are the one, two, three things I’ve done good and right in my life. You’re all happy, you’re all so full of life. You are all so kind, full of so much personality. You’re all incredibily funny. I mean, like laugh out loud, peeing my pants funny. Each one of you are amazing, unique, beautiful children and I’d like to think I have something to do with that.

If only she had taken a bow

There was a time where I did not enjoy going out in public with my daughter and avoided it whenever possible.
Not because she was a “bad” baby, but because it was such a pain in the ass. I mean, the screaming, the crying, the diaper changes every 5 minutes, the wardrobe changes because of The Pretty Yellow Poop all over everything, the looking for a place to Whip Out A Tit. It was frustrating and not at all fun.
And when I am amongst the general public, IT BETTER BE FUN! (And you better BELIEVE I know how to PARTY in public.)
Thankfully, I no longer dread taking my daughter out amongst the people. Infact? I LOVE IT. I love taking my daughter places because girlfriend is hilarious.
She has this incredibly silly and awesome personality and I love to watch her around people.
She says “Hi!” to everyone who looks at her, and if that person isn’t a dick, and says “Hi!” back, she’ll smile the biggest, Goofiest, (TOOTHIEST, because, look! The teeth? They are HUGE) smile. And if you’re lucky, she’ll reach into her mouth, remove a cheerio and GIVE IT TO YOU. Because, DAMMIT,Gabby shares.
Yesterday, I decided to take her to Barnes and Noble because, girlfriend loves books. And when I say “loves” I mean “is obsessed.” We can sit for hours and read and she does not get bored. Which, is wonderful! And great! But, doesn’t she know I have clothes to fold?
Once we got there, she immediately busted out the personality and started waving, and shouting “Hi!” and smiling and giggling. Most people respond positively to her friendliness and “oohhhh” and “awww” and some people actually squat down to have a conversation with her! But some people are dicks and get annoyed because HOW DARE A CUTE BABY WITH HUGE TEETH BOTHER THEM.
I hate people like that.
Anyways.
She was in heaven at Barnes and Noble. HEAVEN, I tell you. It was so much fun watching her cruising the aisles, pointing at books, trying to get books that were out of her reach and laughing the entire time.

But then, something happened I didn’t expect.
Gabby found the stage. And she climbed up in the stage. And she looked up at the sign that said “Paws to heal, welcome!” and I am PRETTY SURE she thought it said something totally different, something like… um…perhaps… maybe…

Because, the next thing I know, girlfriend is squating, grunting and very much MAKING THE POOP for all of The People to watch!
I was slightly mortified, but mostly, proud. So proud, I clapped and said “yay!” Because, ha! ha! My daughter took a dump on the stage, people.

If only she had taken a bow

This is what you get when I try to write while The Girl is awake.

Ethan is home sick today.
He got food poisoning from the poison that is “school lunch”. I freaked out (like I always do when my children get sick) and made Tony take him to urgent care last night. The boy was YELLOW and sweaty and seriously? I’ve never seen a human being puke as much as he did.
I thought perhaps they could give him a shot to make him stop puking. They gave me a shot to stop the puking when I had food poisoning when I was SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT with Gabby.

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There better be Krispy Kreme and a pumpkin spice latte waiting for me is all I’m saying

Normally, student council is only for 4th graders and 5th graders. This year, they decided to allow ONE third grader from each third grade class to participate.
Naturally, that one third grader would be my son. Because he’s “A Leader” and “The kids look up to him” and he’s “Mr.Responsible” as well as “The Ladies Man” and “The Class Clown.”
I love that kid. Bless his fart.
I was all excited about this “student council thing” until I was informed that he has to attend a meeting a couple times a month before school at SEVEN TEN IN THE MORNING.

That’s only 20 minutes earlier than we normally leave in the morning, but, 20 minutes THAT EARLY in the morning, is like, hours to my tired soul.
And the fact that he has to be there before school actually starts, means it’s probably not a good idea to take him in my pj’s with funky pit smell. Because, you know, I’ll actually have to get out and walk him to the room so he’s not wondering around an empty campus alone.
So, now that “20 minutes” is turning into more like 30 because I’ll actually have to do things like “Shower” and “apply deodorant” (which, can I just tell you, I still have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how much is “enough”. I know I should probably stop spreading the junk on when there is about 2 inches worth of white shit plastered on, but, deep down I’m scared, like, “What if it’s NOT ENOUGH?” Then what? So, I must apply at LEAST 10 MORE STROKES. Will I ever learn, or will I continue to go through life with huge, white, sticky balls in my pits? And what’s worse? ‘rant balls or BO? Exactly. Ok, back to the post…) “brush teeth” “put clothes on that match.”

But, seriously, 7:10 in the morning?
Outrageous.

Because it makes me laugh so hard

I was lucky enough to capture G-Unit in action. This is what she does when she doesn’t get her way. SHE SCREAMS ALL DRAMATIC LIKE. It’s hilarious because… LOOK AT HER FACE! At the same time, it’s NOT hilarious because… LOOK AT HER FACE!
This picture will go down as one of my top 10 favorite of that girl because… LOOK AT HER FACE!