This morning while I was breastfeeding Gabby, I had a mini panic attack. Here’s what happened.
While I was feeding her, I fixated on the family photo that sits on the coffee table. I was thinking how it looks so incomplete without our little girl in the picture. Then, I started thinking how one day me and Tony will die and the pictures we have around the house will serve as reminders that we once lived and were a family. That will be all that’s left, pictures and the memories they represent.
THEN… I started to think about death. And that, my friends, is what I started to freak out.
Anytime I think of death, I think of eternity. And anytime I think of eternity, I freak the hell out.
The fear of the unknown is what scares me. I can’t wrap my mind around it. If there is a heaven, will I go there? And if I do, will I know my children when they die and join me there? If there’s a hell and I end up there (which is where my dad says I’m heading right now) Will it hurt? Will I be in constant pain?
And what if there is no heaven or hell. What then? Do you just cease to exist? I mean, when you take your last breath, is that just the end of everything? No afterlife?
I start asking myself all of these questions and I start to panic. My hands and my feet went numb, I got lightheaded. I tried to make myself stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t. I started crying and hyperventilating… WHAT THE HELL.
Now, I’m trying to calm down, but the thoughts keep swirling around in my brain and I can’t stop obsessing about it.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to know what happens after I die. I just want to live forever and watch my kids grow and my grandkids be born.
Am I the only one who freaks out about this stuff? I mean, I’m sure I’m the only one who’s ever actually had a panic attack over it, but surely, there are others who have fears like I do about what happens after you die.
God damn it, I just want to stop thinking about it.
I freak out over everything…I am mental that way. Last night I had a mini panic attack about the front door being locked…I know to get up and check it but then I freak as to whether it really shut…what happens when you die???don’t get me started.
I have always been that way. Since I was a little kid. I can not think about death or eternity or anything, without getting sick to my stomach and having difficulty breathing.
I was fine for a long time, but after Eva’s birth, it got worse again. It’s gotten better since then.
My sister told me our older brother got the same way after his son was born.
Scariness.
I have always been that way. Since I was a little kid. I can not think about death or eternity or anything, without getting sick to my stomach and having difficulty breathing.
I was fine for a long time, but after Eva’s birth, it got worse again. It’s gotten better since then.
My sister told me our older brother got the same way after his son was born.
Scariness.
I have always been that way. Since I was a little kid. I can not think about death or eternity or anything, without getting sick to my stomach and having difficulty breathing.
I was fine for a long time, but after Eva’s birth, it got worse again. It’s gotten better since then.
My sister told me our older brother got the same way after his son was born.
Scariness.
I have always been that way. Since I was a little kid. I can not think about death or eternity or anything, without getting sick to my stomach and having difficulty breathing.
I was fine for a long time, but after Eva’s birth, it got worse again. It’s gotten better since then.
My sister told me our older brother got the same way after his son was born.
Scariness.
Actually I’m pretty calm about all that stuff. I know in my heart what will happen, so I don’t worry about me or the family unit per se. I just journal like crazy and take tons of pictures so my children and grandchildren will hopefully know the “real” me.
I have panic attacks about that very subject fairly frequently. I just love living too much; I don’t want it to end. I don’t want to be without my wonderful husband, or my parents, or my cats. So no, you’re not alone. *hugs*
The same thing happened to me after I had my youngest in 2001. She was born on 9/17, right after the terrorist attacks, so I was already on edge. Anyway, I constantly thought about death and eventually went on meds for it. Panic attacks, anxiety attacks…..it was nuts. Hopefully this is just a one-off for you brought on by life. If the attacks keep up, call your doc. There are meds (if you’re interested) that are safe to take while nursing.
It’s the worst feeling in the world, isn’t it, sweetie?
Pretty much an ongoing obsession: http://centerpoints.blogspot.com
Nopes u aren’t alone…I’m just the same and have the exact same thoughts as u do. PHEW! I really thought I was all alone…but yeah I really really panic about it as well. It can go days before I think about it and then WHAM! it’s all in my head again . But I’m learning to push it away in my head with happy thoughts, doesn’t always help and I have to wait before it goes away..*keep smiling*
Didn’t Kirk Cameron just answer that question?
Oh great……there goes another night’s sleep.
I am So with you.. I *hate* the thought of death. I get nauseous about the thougth of never waking up ::shudder:: And, why is it I only think about it at night when I am trying to sleep??
I think it’s worse when you’ve had an ultra-religious upbringing. I know you did and I did, too. I worked everything out in my head when I was 16 but there are sure moments of pure panic when I remember all those stories from Revelation and how there are “signs of the times” and I begin to doubt my own convictions. It’s scary shit!
Hi Yvonne, I’m guessing the thoguhts are coming from hormone changes. I remember being afraid of the very air I breathed after I had my last baby.
However, after reading through your archives extensively I can tell you have been taught the Scriptures. I also believe that in your heart of hearts you know that heaven and hell are real. I believe this because regardless of what your parents say, if you’ve asked Jesus into your heart at any point in your life than you are saved for eternity. Yes, I believe like the Baptists on eternal security.
Here’s the thing. Jesus didn’t die for an incomplete salvation. When you are born again you are part of his family and no man shall pluck you out of his hand. When your sons disobey you (sin) does that make them less your sons? No. They still belong to your family. In the same way when Jesus says we must be born again, once we are born we are of His family.
Nothing we can do can save us from eternal hell. It’s only by accepting the blood of Jesus to cover our sins and recoginizing that we are a sinner that we can gain eternal life in heaven.
When the Philippian jailor asked what must he do to be saved, Paul didn’t start listing a bunch of things. He simply said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and Thou shalt be saved. Are you still with me Yvonne?
Listen girl. You were saved as a child. Now just because you doubt the entire thing doesn’t make you less saved. It’s just the devil trying to make sure you don’t experience the peace and joy that comes with that salvation.
You doubt my words? Think of it this way. If your son doubted he was yours would it make him any less yours? of course not. Because you gave him birth. You can remember the exact place you were when you gave life to him.
Even so Jesus can remember where you were when you gave your little heart to him as a child. Your doubting it doesn’t change the facts. He knows because he gave you new life.
Your rejection you feel of God in your heart is a rejection of your fathers God . I encourage you to read the Bible and get some books on the subject and find out for yourself who God really is. He is a loving God and all this time he has kept you through your doubts. When you die you will go to heaven because you have been born into his family. I pray that you find comfort in my words and that in your heart you feel the truth of them.
Peace!
i think i just seriously avoid such lines of thought and try not to let them get to me. not because i am superior, but because it requires too much effort and i am a lazy sod.
i do worry about things, but i just don’t worry TOO much, ya know? i have too many other things i can waste my emotional energy on. stupid things like getting pissed at the bitch who cuts me off while i have three kids in the car, just so she can make her nail/hair/gym appointment.
yeah, i SO need thearapy
Oh my God! I think my brain just exploded. I could have written this exact post word for word. If I search the archives of my site, I’ll probably find one. Now, the Paxil keeps me from FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. Now I just freak a little. And try to think of daisies or something. AAAH!
I do the exact same thing, Yvonne. It’s just terrible. I feel for ya honey.
Add me to the list. I’ve always been a little on-edge about stuff like that, but it got really bad when I was pregnant, and then worse after I had my daughter. She’s almost 7 months now, and I still have moments exactly like the one you described.
Your brain and body are totally confused by the recent hormone changes as you well know. We’re also wired to be overly anxious about death and such when we’ve got little babies. It can get out of hand, though. I had to get professional help for the attacks I was having. A few attacks like that are normal. Just be careful that they don’t get out of control. The can make your life hell.
I was all ready to write about exactly what Tammy said, but she did it so perfectly, there’s nothing left to say. For the record, I also don’t think that I could have done it nearly as beautifully as she did.
That said, even though those are, and always have been my beliefs, the thought of “eternity” has always terrified me since I was a little kid. But I think that’s normal, because the concept is impossible for our feeble little human brains to comprehend. Nothing else in life is eternal, with the possible exception of the IRS 😉
It still scares me somewhat, but I think as I’ve matured, the fear has lessened considerably. Relax, kiddo, you are perfectly normal!
I hate thinking like that. I think about that stuff all the time. I wish I knew how to stop.
I understand where you’re coming from. We don’t have control over our birth or our death, or what happens after our death. But it’s probably necessary because otherwise we’d think we were God. (Many of us already do, but it helps keep some of us a bit more humble.) My TOTAL dependency on God at the moment of my death for any continued existence makes me pray now.
I’m just shy of 21 years old, and I have panic attacks about that very subject as well, so you aren’t alone. I wish I could tell you how to stop thinking about it, but I haven’t figured that out yet. Usually when I start talking to someone about ti and verbalizing it, it starts to go away.