Hold me now.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe my brother isn’t going to be here when I wake up tomorrow.
I don’t do well with goodbyes. Not at all. I don’t care that I can call him everyday, or email him whenever I want, or write him, or visit him. The fact is I can’t drive down the street and go laugh with him when I’m having a bad day. I can’t run up from behind, smack him in the back of the head and have him chase me to get even. I can’t hug him, pat his belly and tell him how fat he’s getting. I can’t listen to him and my uncle insult each other in fun, I can’t yell “I love you” to him as I’m leaving his house. I can’t invite him over to come play with the boys on the weekends, I can’t send my boys with him to go to the animal shelter. I can’t listen to him pound on the bongo drums while we’re visiting and yell at him to knock it off. wahhhhh
I feel like a little girl at this very moment who just wants to hug her daddy and tell him to make everything better. This is much harder than I thought it would be.
Saying Goodbye to someone you love is one of the worst kinds of hurt there is.
It didn’t help matters that as I was walking out the door in tears, my husband’s wife’s sister handed me a card that she had written for me. I thought it was very sweet of her. I read it as soon as I got into the car and oh.my.God. As if I wasn’t crying enough already. Here is just a little bit of what she wrote…
“There is just something about you, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. You are warm and friendly and have always made me feel incredibly welcome and comfortable. And more than anything I have noticed about you, you are real. It is an amazing quality to have, one that many people do not, but you certainly possess it…”
It goes on and on. It amazes me that she would go out of her way to say such kind things about me, it truly does, but rather than dismiss it, I’m going to try to take it all in. I never do that, I always discount anything positive one says about me. Anyway, her card did help ease my hurt a bit, but damn this hurts like hell and yes I’m a big baby.
I don’t want him to go, dammit. He’s my little brother and I need him to stay.
This hurts more than I imagined it would and I need to go get some more tissue because I’m starting to taste my boogers.
Please keep them in your thoughts as they will be traveling for the next couple of days…

12 thoughts on “Hold me now.”

  2. mollie

    aww Yvonne im so sorry!!
    my friend just moved and people tell me “instead of thinking of the sad things, think of the good things and memories you shared”
    thats what always kept me happy, although i have cried a few times.
    i hope you find peace and happiness!
    xoxo mollie

  4. dana michelle

    I know how bad that hurts. When I was about 12, one of my sisters moved to Florida, and then when I was in my early 30’s my closest sister moved to Michigan, due to her husband’s job promotion. We had fought like cats and dogs growing up, but once I became an adult, she accepted me and we became very close. Then, a few years back, my oldest sister moved to Arizona, but she came back after a year or so. For awhile there, I was the only one of my siblings that still lived here.
    You do get used to it after awhile, but it does change everything. Don’t feel bad about crying. You aren’t a baby. You’re just someone who really loves your brother and knows how much you’ll miss him. There’s nothing wrong with that.
    Great bigs hugs for you, Y!
    (((((((((((((((((((((((Yvonne)))))))))))))))))))))))))

  6. Hey Lisa

    I’m so sorry, really. It’s so hard being separated from someone who’s always been there for you. {{hugs}} and good thoughts for safe travel for your little brother.

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