The Time I Inspired My Daughter.

On Friday morning I walked into my daughter’s room to say good morning to her, just like I do every morning.  She was already wide awake, reading a book on her Kindle. I sat down on the edge of her bed, kissed her good morning.

“Mommy, yesterday we ran practice laps for our jog-a-thon today. I ran around the entire field without stopping.” She said.

“That’s great, Gabby! I’m so proud of you!”

“I wanted to stop because it was hard, but I thought about you. I thought about how you run in boot camp and I told myself I’m my mommy’s girl and if SHE can do it, then I can do it!”

I didn’t expect to hear her say that, but boy, did it feel good to hear.

It was a reminder that my daughter is watching me, she’s learning from me.

I’m still far from being “thin.” But that doesn’t matter. It’s not about my weight or size. IT’s about the example that I’m setting for my daughter. She sees me grab my backpack and workout mat every day and go to boot camp. She sees the photos of me doing handstands and running and she’s taking it all in.  She knows that I take time every day to do something for myself that is keeping me healthy and making me strong. I’m happy to be setting a good example to my girl.

Later that morning, I surprised her at school to cheer her on at the jog-a-thon.  I watched her run her little heart out, in the heat. I encouraged her from the sidelines when she got tired.

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She ran her little heart on (in her Vans

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, because she haaaaaaaaaates running shoes. They are like, OMG, so ugly, MOM!)  When it was all said and done, she completed a total of 14 laps. I couldn’t be prouder of that girl.

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I Promise I Will Not Allow This to Become The I Lost My Job Blog.

I finished all of my laundry today and it felt freaking awesome. While I was hanging up the last t-shirt

, I was all “look at you! You are so brave and strong! That degree from The University of Teenage Marriage is really paying off! YOU’VE GOT THIS!”

But seriously, folks.

I had a rough weekend because losing your job really sucks.

(^^ Me. All Weekend. ^^)

But I’m realizing that it’s not the end of the world. It may be the beginning of some Life Suckage

, but life doesn’t end. I have options, connections and some pretty awesome plans. I just have to get past the fear to make things happen.

And I will.

I’m giving myself a week off, to just enjoy not working, my children and quite possibly all of the cheese sticks from Trader Joe’s.

And then, it’s SO on.

It’s Going to Be Okay. But Only After I Get Very Drunk and Cry A Lot.

Today is one of the worst days of my life.

I’m in shock. I’m scared. And unsure of my future.

My position with the company I’ve loved and been loyal to for over 6 years has been eliminated effective immediately.

I do not know my next steps will be at the moment. But I can tell you that I plan to drink a lot of wine this weekend, wallow in the suck and then get to work on Monday to figure my life out.

I keep telling myself that I will be okay, but I’m not so sure how bills will get paid and how I will take care of my family after the savings runs out.

One thing I’ve learned about myself over the past six years is that I’m smarter than I believed

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, I am stronger than I think and that I am surrounded by wonderful people who I know will be here for me

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, to help me find my way.

Just One of Those “Little Things” That I Never Want to Forget.

My daughter walked through the door after a long, hot day at school. She placed her backpack on the floor and settled into her seat at the kitchen table to enjoy a cold glass of water and a snack before doing her homework.

I bent over

, kissed her on the top of the head and said “I love you.”

As I walked away, she said “Mommy, thank you for giving me the greatest gift in the world!”

I turned around and asked “What gift is that?”

She smiled and said “your love.”

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This morning I had to go to the high school to do an intradistrict transfer to keep Ethan at the same school. I was filling out the paperwork and got to the section that asked what grade he was in.

“11th.” I wrote.

And as I wrote it, I had to take a deep breath to fight back the tears because when in the hell did that happen?

When did the little boy who loved to hug me

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, squeeze my face and tell me that he loved me so so much turn into the handsome young man who is a junior in high school?

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I mean, seriously, when in the hell did THIS happen?

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This is one of those things that I can not even deal with because time is a huge jerk who doesn’t slow down even when you desperately need it to because my babies are growing up too fast and I’d like for them not to, please. Also? How did I birth a giant? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Eleventh grade though.

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Getting Settled In

Moving is hard.

Moving is SUPER hard.

Moving sucks.

Moving is The Worst.

Moving day was June 30th. It was 104 outside that day. With the exception of my brother for a couple of hours, we had no one to help us. Everyone was working, or out of town, or just jerks. (j/k. No one was a jerk. Everyone just happened to be out of town or working that day.)

While Tony and Ethan moved boxes and furniture, I cleaned each room to perfection in the hopes of getting every dime of our deposit back.

That day was one of the most, if not THE most miserable day of our lives.

But we got through it and at 2am, all of our furniture and belongings were moved and the house was spotless.

The next day, we met with the landlord to do a walk through and boy, was he impressed. In the 6 years we had been there, he hadn’t come to look at the house once, not even when we had asked him to fix all of the things that were breaking/needed repaired. (Which is why we had to move.) He told us he was sad we were leaving. He told us the leasing agent explained to him that if he had fixed All Of The Things, we never would have moved and he asked us if that was true. (DUH, of course it’s true.) Then he apologized for not fixing All Of The Things. “It’s just… out of sight, out of mind, I guess.” So, because HE didn’t have to live with broken things, he wasn’t bothered at all to fix them. If we had made more stink about it, he totally would have done it! Truthfully, he is a really nice guy. He just wasn’t very smart when it came to keeping good tenants in his house. Anyway, he was so impressed with the way we left the house, he gave us all $2500 of our deposit back three days later. So, that was nice.

We are slowly making this house into our home. But I do mean slowly.

We still have a ton of boxes that we need to empty. I still do not know where a lot of things are (but I found the wine opener last week

, you guys! IMPORTANT THINGS.) We still need to buy new furniture and decorate and I’m just a little bit stressed about that because we’re having Gabriella’s birthday party here in a few days. But people will understand that we just moved in, right? I should stop stressing about that, yes?

I do love our new place. It is clean, it is pretty, it is comfortable and I get to get ready in this bathroom every day.

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I feel so much more comfortable and peaceful here. It makes such a difference living in a space that you love and aren’t ashamed of. It’ not a super fancy house

, but it is lovely and perfect for us. I feel grateful to be here and look forward to making many memories with my family and friends here.

“Let’s Do This!”

Ever since my daughter was little, she has had a hard time dealing with change. If you move something in her room, she will freak out and be unable to go on with life until everything is back in it’s place. I’ve learned that in order to make any changes in her room or around the house I have to have a conversation with her about it first. I tell her what I plan on moving and make sure she’s okay with it to avoid any emotional breakdowns. Usually talking to her about things will help her process the change and she is able to accept it.

Last night, Tony decided to take the photos down from the hallway wall. As soon as Gabby realized what he had done, she began to cry. “I’m used to seeing those pictures when I wake up! Put them back!” Followed by the Very Dramatic “I DON’T WANT TO MOVE!” I asked Tony to put the photos back up and let HER decide when she was ready to take them down. He wasn’t happy about it, but I told him we need to let her have some control over when we take things down so it’s easier for her to accept and deal with.

I stayed up and talked with her about The Move. I told her it’s okay to cry

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, to feel sad. Leaving a place you’ve called home is hard. I explained that memories don’t live in a building, but in our hearts. “We will take the memories with us and we’re going to make many wonderful memories in our new house!” She didn’t say much, she just listened. I kissed her good night. And braced myself for more tears in the morning.

***

This morning as we were cuddling on the couch, she informed me that she was ready to take the pictures down. Totally caught off guard, I asked her if she was sure. “Yes, I’m sure!” I then told her that once we took the pictures down, we weren’t going to be able to put them back up. She thought about it for a minute or two. And then replied “I’m sure Mommy

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, let’s do this!”

I took the pictures down and let her wrap them with newspaper. As we did this, we talked about what we will miss about this house when we leave, but also about what we’re looking forward to at the new place. Not a single tear was shed. When we were finished, she surprised me yet again.

“I’m ready to take the pictures in my bedroom down now, Mom!” And then she went on and on about how she can’t wait to decorate her new room! And play in her new backyard! And set up the vanity in my new bathroom! And so! many! fun! new! things!

Today was a good day.

Moving

Almost six years ago, we moved into a new place in my dream neighborhood.

In less than a month, we will be moving out and into a new place.

This house has been good to us, but this house is starting to fall apart and the landlord won’t fix a thing. For example, over two years ago, strong winds knocked a huge tree in our backyard to the ground, knocking down a huge portion of the brick retaining wall with it. To this day the wall remains broken, even though we’ve asked him on more than one occasion to please have it fixed. And that is just one thing of many things. Also? The very large backyard is a giant hassle to take care of. As much as I love this neighborhood and the World’s Best Neighbors, it’s time to move on.

We found a beautiful, yet simple home just a few miles down the road that is perfect for our family.

I’m struggling with feelings of sadness over leaving this place. We’ve made many wonderful memories here. But I believe this move is absolutely the right thing for our family. Change is good. I do look forward to making new memories with my family and our friends at the new place.

Let’s just hope that my marriage can survive The Moving Process. Because The Moving Process is an evil whore.

No Shame.

You know how on the Biggest Loser when the contestants look at pictures of their bigger selves they say things like “I don’t even know that person.” Or “I don’t like that person.” I don’t feel that way at all when I look at pictures of myself at my heavier weight. I know exactly who I was when I was 237 pounds. Gaining weight was part of my (wait for it) journey (gag, I know!) It is only because of the challenges that I faced through the weight gain and loss that I was able to realize how strong I am. At my heaviest, at my sickest, I didn’t know that I was capable of doing things like handstands or running three miles. But now I do and I am grateful. And maybe just a little bit proud.

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I Really Am Stronger Than I Think. And So Are You.

I’ve been doing boot camp consistently since September. Six week sessions with one week breaks in between. The last Thursday of each six week session, we do what is called “The Wall Workout.” It’s intense but super fun.

There are four exercises. We do each exercise a total of four times.

At the end of the fourth round, we do something that I have not been able to make myself do.

A handstand.

Every time she says “ready?” I stand there, staring at the wall, telling myself “Just do it!” But I have never found the courage to actually kick my feet up and try it.

I’m scared I won’t make it. I’m scared I will make it halfway and then come crashing down. I’m scared I’ll break my neck or hit my face on the sidewalk and knock my teeth out. I can not bring myself to even try it.

Today wasn’t any different. I said I was going to try it. And then, as everyone headed for the wall and kicked their legs up in the air, I stood there frozen with fear.

I didn’t do it.

And as we were getting ready to cross the street to head back to our workout mats, my instructor said “YOU CAN DO IT, YVONNE!” And all of my Boot Camp Sistah’s chimed in. “You can totally do it!” And then, one of them said “maybe you can do it if we cheer you on and help you.”

And so I agreed to try it with their help.

I took a deep breath. I walked quickly towards the wall. I put my hands on the ground while I kicked my feet up. One of the ladies held onto my legs to help me get set against the wall. Then, she let go and they all counted down from ten while I held myself up.

I felt a lump in my throat and couldn’t stop myself from crying just a little bit.

These women who I work out with every day were there for me. They believed in me and helped me believe in myself. THIS is what I love and value about boot camp. When I don’t think I can, they are there to remind me that I am stronger than I think and that yes

, YES I CAN.