Category Archives: Yes, Judy Loved Me

If only everyone were so “helpful”

Some of you have asked for a “Judy Update.” I’ve had a post sitting in draft for a couple of weeks. I thought I’d post it today, followed by a Very Important Update.

Yesterday morning I was sitting I was sitting on the couch in the living room talking on the phone with Lena.
The blinds were open and I was enjoying the morning sunlight beaming through the window and I was enjoying the warmth on my stumpy, pale legs. Then, all of a sudden, without warning, a dark cloud appeared in the form of a Crazy named Judy walking up the driveway.
I interrupted Lena mid sentence with something like “OH NOES! JUDY IS COMING!”
What Lena didn’t know was that I was saying that, I fell from the couch, did “a roll” (you know, the roll that people do in movies in an attempt to escape from a bad guy? Yeah. That one) and then crawled until I was out of view of the window. I got up, ran down the hall.
“Mooooooom! Judy’s here! Go talk to her! Tell her I’m in the shower!”
My mom looked at me like I was the most pathetic human being to have ever lived on this earth.
“Oh, just talk to her.”
“But MOM! She’s crazy. I don’t want to talk to her. PLEASE?”
“Have Ethan talk to her.”
(Lena was on the phone during all of this and she was laughing and saying things like “Stop! It hurts!”)
Funny thing happened while I was trying to convince my mother to go talk to Judy so I wouldn’t have to.
My daughter opened the front door.
“Hiiiiiiiii!” She said in her high pitched wittle voice.
“Hello! Is Y here?”
“Yeah! Hol’ on! MOMMY! THE LADY’S HERE!”
(Note to self: Time to teach your toddler the “you are not allowed to open the front door for ANYONE. EVER” rule.)
I had no choice at this point; I had to face The Judy.
With the phone on my ear and a prayer for my safety in my heart, I approached the living room to find Judy with one foot in the living room.
“Hello, Yvonne, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you!”
“Um, uh… Yeah, I’ve been um busy. What’s up?”
“I was just wondering if you found a place yet.”
“Um, well, we put in an application. YES!”
“Oh, really? To rent or to buy?”
“To rent!”
“Ok, I’ve been praying for you and thought I’d check to see if you had found a place.”
And off she went.
Wow. That was easy I thought to myself. I felt pretty stupid after she walked away. She said she was praying for me. Maybe she wasn’t a stalker after all, but just a sweet little old lady who wanted to help a stranger out—An Angel Unaware as they say in Jesus Speak!

I really did feel bad… for about two whole days.
You see, A couple of days later, I was in the garage, minding my OWN BUSINESS, doing my laundry.
Out of NOWHERE, Judy is standing next to me.
I felt scared again.
“Um, hi?”
“Hello, Yvonne. What are you doing? The laundry? What kind of laundry detergent is that? May I smell it? Oh! That smells wonderful, where did you buy it? What is that? Fabric softener? May I smell that too? I must get me some of that! So, how’s it going with the house? Did they accept your application?”
I said something TOTALLY STUPID like “we’re still waiting to hear back from them, so we don’t know yet…”
She vowed to continue her fight to help us find a place.
I’m pretty sure that was when I was supposed to “grow a pair” and tell her that we really didn’t need help, but thanks anyway!
But I didn’t. Because she’s a little old lady and I swear to God, a little old lady could pull out a knife and try to stab me in the face and I would let her because she’s old and fragile and RESPECT YER ELDERS OH CHILD OF GOD!
I really do need to do something about this because look what Judy opened up the front door and handed me on Monday.

Inside, there were a couple of newspaper clippings of homes that she thought “we could afford.”
And let’s not even talk about the message she left on my answering machine. (thanks again for giving her my phone number, Mom!) When she asks the question “Why aren’t you calling me back?! I’m just trying to help you!” my vagina gets all weak with fear because she’s one phone call away from saying crazy things like “JUDY DOESN’T LIKE TO BE IGNORED.” I just know it, I can hear it in her tone.
I think that it’s safe to say that I can rule out “Angel Unaware” and go ahead and file that restraining order already.

Continue reading

Looking forward to “A.J.”

My life B.J (Before Judy) was pretty normal.
Well, as normal as ones life can be with three kids and 2 bulging disks, anyway.
If I wanted to hop in my van to go grab a caramel macchiato from Starbucks, well then I’d freaking hop in my van and head on over to Starbucks.
If I wanted to sit outside in the grass to watch my kids play while sipping on an iced green tea, well, I’d grab that iced green tea and plop my ass on the grass.
Oh, how I miss those days.
Now, if I want to grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks, I have to look both ways before crossing the street to get into my van. And I have to RUN! And when I get back, I have to make sure “she’s” no where in site and then I have to run again to hurry back inside the house where I lock the door quickly behind me.
Now, I must do my laundry before 6 am, or wait until late at night so that there’s no chance of Judy “walking her dog” around the block and WHOOPS! Right up onto my front door step.
I’m all jumpy and irrational any time I have to go out front and trust me, I have GOOD REASON to be this way.
This morning, I had exactly 10 minutes before I needed to be on a conference call (omg! Am a work at home mom!) so I thought I’d strip the bed and throw my sheets in the laundry real quick. I figured it was safe, because it was already over 100 degrees outside and surely, Judy wouldn’t walk her dog in the 100+ heat, right?
I opened the front door, bed sheets in hand and about halfway to the garage, I heard what sounded EXACTLY like a Crazy Old Lady walking a dog.
Oh Shit! Can not talk to her. Phone call in 10 minutes. AHHHHHH!
I ran into the garage as fast as one can run with 2 bulging disks and dirty sheets in hand and peeked through the garage window.
Oh my God! Judy!
I darted for the side door, which leads to the backyard. Just as I was about to quietly close it behind me, I caught a glimpse of Judy walking across the grass towards the front door.
Oh SHIT again! Did she see me? And if she did, is she going to start chasing after me?
She obviously didn’t see me, because she started knocking on the front door. “Helloooooooo”
Oh shit, yet again!
The boys were inside and what if they answered the door and were all “Yeah, she’s here, let me get her!”
I was going to pound on their window and start shouting things like “do not answer the dooorrrr!!” But then, I remembered Judy was just a few feet away and would hear me if I began shouting through the window.
So, I ran through the back yard, to the sliding glass window. I threw it open and ran down the hall, where my children were watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, completely oblivious to little old lady pounding on the front door (and the fact that their mother had been hiding from said crazy person in the back yard.)
“Mom, why are you out of breath?”
“Yeah, and why are you sweating?”
Ohhhhhh… haha, that. Um, well, I was hiding from Judy again.
I’m sure their “Respect” for me as a mother and a human being went up about 10 notches right then and there.
My mom, she’s great. She hides from old people. You should hang out with her sometime.
(Because this isn’t the first time I’ve ran away/hid from Judy. Last Saturday, Tony saw her coming up the street while he was washing the van and calmly told me to “go inside.” And because I knew exactly why he was telling me to go inside, I jumped up off of the porch and RAN inside.)
(Where I then proceeded to take a picture of her standing by my van, just in case I ever need it as EVIDENCE for that restraining order.)

(Ok, not really, but that’s kind of what I imagine is going through her precious little head as she’s standing there waiting for me to SHOW MY FACE.)
I know there’s a very good chance that I’m being unfair to Judy and that she’s really a precious old woman who has a good heart and perhaps a few thousand dollars that she’s just waiting to transfer into my bank account to help me buy a house because she’s not a crazy stalker at all, but an Angel Unaware who has been sent to heaven to show me that God is real and he loves me and wants me to live the American Dream. But, seriously, I doubt it. So, I really need to have a “conversation” with her and let her know that we really don’t need any help making any decisions about buying/renting a house because its’ a personal decision and NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS.
But Bless yer little heart, Judy. Bless yer FREAKING little heart.

And I swear to The Bobs, she is walking up the driveway as I am typing this.

Would you think I’m asshole if I filed a restraining order against a little old lady?
Because I’m being stalked by a little old lady and I’m a leeeetle scared.
A couple weeks ago, I was outside cleaning the inside of my van. A little old lady who was walking a cute little dog stopped in front of the driveway to make small talk with me.
“It sure is hot!” She said in her sweet little old lady voice.
“Oh, it is.” I replied.
I could tell that she wasn’t going to leave any time soon by the way she placed her foot on the curb. Were I a body language expert, I would have said that move right there meant “I have no where to go or anyone to talk to, I think I’ll stay here for a while!”
She started asking me questions and since I don’t like to be rude to old people, I was answering her questions.
She asked how long we had lived here and that’s when I told her that “oh, haha! This isn’t our house! We’re just staying here with my parents until we find a place!”
I regret telling her that more than you’ll ever know.
I don’t know why, but I always assume Old Person= Harmless.
I forget that Old People used to be Young People and could have been and possibly still are fucking crazy.
All of a sudden, our friendly little conversation about “the weather” turned into a 2 hour lecture about how I should “sit down and communicate my feelings with my mother” and how I should “consider looking into first time homebuyer programs instead of renting again” and how people “borrowed money from her and never paid her back.”
I wanted to get away from her, but she kept talking and talking and talking and at one point, I didn’t even hear her words anymore because I was too busy searching for the right words to MAKE HER SHUTUP AND GO AWAY.
I can’t remember exactly how I was finally able to get away from her, but I did and I was glad.
Later on that evening, the family was getting ready to leave for basketball practice. The kids piled up in the van and we waited for PigHunter to go get his wallet (that he forgets every single time we get in the car to leave somewhere. AH!) As I was sitting there, I saw Little Old Lady walking down the street.
Oh shit!. I panicked a little because, well, the car was parked in the street and she would see me and probably want to talk again.
Because I am really smart, I turned around to act as if I talking about something very important with my kids.
“Boys, there’s a lady coming down the street who I do NOT want to talk to. I’m pretending like I’m talking to you so that I don’t have to look her way!”
“Um, mom, she’s walking towards the van.”
I could see the looks on their faces and they told me that something very bad was about to happen.
Holy Mother of Old People. That crazy old hag was banging on my window.
I rolled down the window and acted surprised to see her.
Apparently, she had been “thinking” about our conversation earlier and had come to the conclusion that I needed her to help me decide whether I should buy a house or rent a house. She also had decided that I needed her to tell me what I should say to my mother so that our living arrangement didn’t ruin our relationship.
She told me she was going to look into programs for first time home buyers and that she was going to pray for us.
You’re probably thinking “that’s so sweet and kind and also innocent!”
But, it’s not any of those things, because the lady is ceraaaaazy.
Two days later, she started banging on the door at 8 am while screaming “HELLO? HEELLOOOOOOOOO?” Yvoooooonne?”
My mom answered and was like “Hi, who are you?”
And she said these exact words. “I’m Judy, I’m trying to help Y decide if she should buy or rent a house.”
She then proceeded to ask my mom for my phone number and because my mother doesn’t like me very much, she gave it to her.
A few minutes later, my phone rang and it was Judy!
“I just want to talk with you about a few options that I found for you, call me back as soon as you can!”
I didn’t call her back because, oh my God, who are you, old lady? And why are you all up in my bidness?
Well, Judy doesn’t like to be ignored.
The next day, she was at the front door shouting my name again. And when no one answered, she started banging on my bedroom window.
Hold me. Hide me. Tell me it’s going to be ok.
She’s stopped by the house numerous times when I’m not home and the word on the street is that she’s pretty fucking pissed off that I’m not returning her phone calls.
I’ve thought about calling her back, but my “gut” tells me that would be a bad idea, because Judy is crazy and calling her back would be “encouraging the crazy.”
I know that I’m going to have to talk to her eventually and tell her something like “hey, thanks for trying to help, that’s so nice of you, but we’ll figure this thing out on our own.”
I’m just afraid that Judy won’t be very happy when I tell her that and that she’ll beat me to death with her dog walking stick with a sweet little smile on her face while she’s doing it.
So, until I summon the courage, I’ll continue to sleep with the window locked and seriously think about filing that restraining order.