Some of you have asked for a “Judy Update.” I’ve had a post sitting in draft for a couple of weeks. I thought I’d post it today, followed by a Very Important Update.
Yesterday morning I was sitting I was sitting on the couch in the living room talking on the phone with Lena.
The blinds were open and I was enjoying the morning sunlight beaming through the window and I was enjoying the warmth on my stumpy, pale legs. Then, all of a sudden, without warning, a dark cloud appeared in the form of a Crazy named Judy walking up the driveway.
I interrupted Lena mid sentence with something like “OH NOES! JUDY IS COMING!”
What Lena didn’t know was that I was saying that, I fell from the couch, did “a roll” (you know, the roll that people do in movies in an attempt to escape from a bad guy? Yeah. That one) and then crawled until I was out of view of the window. I got up, ran down the hall.
“Mooooooom! Judy’s here! Go talk to her! Tell her I’m in the shower!”
My mom looked at me like I was the most pathetic human being to have ever lived on this earth.
“Oh, just talk to her.”
“But MOM! She’s crazy. I don’t want to talk to her. PLEASE?”
“Have Ethan talk to her.”
(Lena was on the phone during all of this and she was laughing and saying things like “Stop! It hurts!”)
Funny thing happened while I was trying to convince my mother to go talk to Judy so I wouldn’t have to.
My daughter opened the front door.
“Hiiiiiiiii!” She said in her high pitched wittle voice.
“Hello! Is Y here?”
“Yeah! Hol’ on! MOMMY! THE LADY’S HERE!”
(Note to self: Time to teach your toddler the “you are not allowed to open the front door for ANYONE. EVER” rule.)
I had no choice at this point; I had to face The Judy.
With the phone on my ear and a prayer for my safety in my heart, I approached the living room to find Judy with one foot in the living room.
“Hello, Yvonne, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you!”
“Um, uh… Yeah, I’ve been um busy. What’s up?”
“I was just wondering if you found a place yet.”
“Um, well, we put in an application. YES!”
“Oh, really? To rent or to buy?”
“Ok, I’ve been praying for you and thought I’d check to see if you had found a place.”
And off she went.
Wow. That was easy I thought to myself. I felt pretty stupid after she walked away. She said she was praying for me. Maybe she wasn’t a stalker after all, but just a sweet little old lady who wanted to help a stranger out—An Angel Unaware as they say in Jesus Speak!
I really did feel bad… for about two whole days.
You see, A couple of days later, I was in the garage, minding my OWN BUSINESS, doing my laundry.
Out of NOWHERE, Judy is standing next to me.
I felt scared again.
“Hello, Yvonne. What are you doing? The laundry? What kind of laundry detergent is that? May I smell it? Oh! That smells wonderful, where did you buy it? What is that? Fabric softener? May I smell that too? I must get me some of that! So, how’s it going with the house? Did they accept your application?”
I said something TOTALLY STUPID like “we’re still waiting to hear back from them, so we don’t know yet…”
She vowed to continue her fight to help us find a place.
I’m pretty sure that was when I was supposed to “grow a pair” and tell her that we really didn’t need help, but thanks anyway!
But I didn’t. Because she’s a little old lady and I swear to God, a little old lady could pull out a knife and try to stab me in the face and I would let her because she’s old and fragile and RESPECT YER ELDERS OH CHILD OF GOD!
I really do need to do something about this because look what Judy opened up the front door and handed me on Monday.
Inside, there were a couple of newspaper clippings of homes that she thought “we could afford.”
And let’s not even talk about the message she left on my answering machine. (thanks again for giving her my phone number, Mom!) When she asks the question “Why aren’t you calling me back?! I’m just trying to help you!” my vagina gets all weak with fear because she’s one phone call away from saying crazy things like “JUDY DOESN’T LIKE TO BE IGNORED.” I just know it, I can hear it in her tone.
I think that it’s safe to say that I can rule out “Angel Unaware” and go ahead and file that restraining order already.