I thought I’d be under 200 pounds by now. But I’m not. I’m still stuck at 203. This is PISSING ME OFF SO MUCH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, but I keep reminding myself that there is progress and that’s what matters. (or so I tell myself so as not to cry or put a hole in the wall.)
I need to get to at least 150 before my endocrinologist will take me off of met*formin and I really need to get off of met*formin because it is RUINING MY LIFE with the “side effects” and by “side effects” I mean “unpredictable ass explosions.”
I’m going to change a few things in my diet this week as well as kick things up a notch at the gym. I’m hoping this does the trick to get things moving again weight loss wise.
199, here I come. Let’s hope it happens before the end of the year. Or I will cry. Or put a hole in the wall.
One of the symptoms that led me to believe I had a thyroid problem was the fact that I had no endurance during workouts.
I’ve never been a Super Athlete, but workouts have always been a part of my life. When I was a teenager, I would workout for hours in my bedroom (with layers of clothing to “sweat out” the fat.) When I got married, I joined a women only gym. I would work out every morning before work. I left that gym when I got pregnant with my first child, I quit that gym, but joined another gym 2 months after my son was born.
And I went every single day.
Exercise has always been a part of my life.
Sure, I went through periods where I would be “too busy” to work out, but those periods never lasted long.
After I had my daughter, I got back into the gym right away. It took me longer to lose the weight than it had in the past, but I pushed myself hard at the gym and it paid off.
But after I had reached the 70 pounds lost mark, something began to happen.
Workouts became harder. I couldn’t push myself as hard. I’d get winded easily.
I started skipping days at the gym because I was physically unable to work out. “I’ll take a week off.” I told myself.
A week came and went. The thought of working out made me want to cry. I was exhausted, unmotivated.
I remember one time in particular. I had forced myself to get up off the couch and go to the gym. I was tired. This wasn’t a normal tired. This particular tired literally made my body ache.
I made it to the gym and stepped on the treadmill. I turned the treadmill on and begin to walk.
In less than 5 minutes, I was exhausted. I had a hard time catching my breath. My muscles ached.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” I thought to myself. “Why am I being SO LAZY?”
Then, right there on the treadmill, I started to cry.
That workout was the last one I had for a long time.
Turns out, it wasn’t laziness.
It was hypothyroidism. (Hashimotos.)
Anyone who’s read her for a while knows that I went undiagnosed for over a year. When I was finally diagnosed and put on medication, I knew that I’d have to get back into the gym. I was naive in thinking that I’d feel back to myself after I started taking the medication.
It took months.
Getting back into the gym was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. My body was so out of shape, so unhealthy. Each workout felt like TORTURE. I cried more times than I care to admit. But I kept going, believing that one day it would be better. I would tell myself that one day my knees would stop buckling while I did the elliptical. I told myself that one day I’d be able to run on the treadmill for more than 30 seconds at a time. Even when I didn’t really believe it, I TOLD MYSELF it would happen. That was enough to get me through many workouts.
I started on a level 4 on the elliptical and a 3.0 on the treadmill. For free weights, I used 3 pound free weights.
Last night I ran (not walked) on the treadmill alternating between 5.1-5.5 and ran a mile (without stopping) in 11:52. Then, after I did 8 lb free weights, I did 30 minutes at a level 9 on the elliptical.
My knees didn’t buckle once.
Nor did I shed a single tear.
The speed at which the weight is coming off is frustrating at the moment. Still not under 200 pounds, although, AM CLOSER. 203.5 pounds as of this morning. (OMG!) I still have such a long way to go. However today I choose to focus on the progress I’ve made physically.
I am stronger.
I have more endurance.
And that’s pretty fucking awesome.
The last time that I wrote about my weight and the never ending battle to lose some was on August 20th.
When I wrote that, almost 2 months ago, I was 210, down from 237. I spoke of how I had began taking metf*ormin after being diagnosed as “insulin resistant.” I wrote about how wonderful it felt to finally see the results of my many hours at the gym. I wrote about how I was only 11 MOFO POUNDS AWAY from being under 200 pounds.
One would think that by now, I would have lost those 11 pounds and finally weigh less than 200 pounds.
I am currently 206 pounds. Only down 4 pounds since August 20th.
That’s right. I said “only.”
I’m trying to focus on the positive– I’m stronger. I have more energy. I feel much more like myself. Every time I run a mile on the treadmill (without stopping! That’s important for you to know!) I have to fight back tears of joy because a year ago, I couldn’t walk on the treadmill without almost passing out. (More on THAT later.) There truly are positive things happening with my body.
But The Weight.
The God Bless It Weight.
Losing weight is no longer about feeling great in a pair of jeans. Losing weight is about not getting diabetes. It’s about not getting heart disease. (To go along with my thyroid disease and my metabolic syndrome.)
Last week I found myself in bed 5 of the emergency room at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. Chest pains. Heart palpitations. Even though everything checked out fine (Chest wall muscle aches, PVS) it was a kick in the ass reminder of what could happen to me in the very near future if I don’t lose this weight.
I’m down 31. And that’s good. That’s better than no pounds, but it’s NOT!ENOUGH!
And I’m afraid it never will be, no matter how many medications I take or how many hours I spend in the gym. That’s what it’s starting to feel like. Like it’s just never going to happen.
Because that’s been my reality for the past 2 years of my life.
It’s frustrating beyond any words I could type here.
I keep telling myself to stay positive! To focus on the achievements, no matter how small they be. “YOU CAN AND YOU WILL DO THIS!” I say to myself as I do 100 butt crunches in the gym.
But right now? Right THIS VERY MOMENT. I feel like it’s a losing battle and it’s depressing the hell out of me.
If only I could get below the 200 mark. That would be such a huge mental breakthrough. Just doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to happen. I won’t give up, I can’t give up, but OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP.
Someone left a precious little comment here about how they hadn’t visited my blog in two years and how they were all “I bet she’s still talking about fat!” And HA HA HA HA HA she clicked on my blog and whatt’ya know? I was posting about fat! hahahahhaha.
That is why I had originally started the weight loss blog. I wanted to keep my weight loss stuff separate from my personal writings to keep other people happy. But I quickly realized that I didn’t have enough time in the day to update ONE blog, so having two was stressful. Also? I can write about my weightloss, or my thyroid or whatever I want to write about every day if I feel like it. I mean, I love most people that read here and would never purposely want to offend anyone, but if you get sick of what I write about, you’re always free to stay away for Two Years and then check up on me and then comment to tell me how much I suck for STILL WRITING ABOUT FAT.
My life is consumed with trying to lose weight right now. I HAVE to lose weight. When I went for my appointment with my NEW endocrinologist, she informed me that I’m insulin resistant (pre-diabetic.) She prescribed me metformin (but I’m too scared to take it.) She told me that I have to lose at least 80 pounds. Diabetes runs in my family, so hearing those words was frightening. ( And don’t even get me started on the heart issues.) My life has been altered drastically by this stupid autoimmune disease and I’m doing my best to deal with it. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Writing it out, although I’m sure it is boring as all hell to read, is helpful to me. I know I’ve lost a great deal of readers because of it, but I can’t worry about that. All that is important to me right now is losing 80 pounds so that I don’t develop further health problems. You know?
It’s been difficult. Months of working out and changing eating habits with very little results. But finally, FINALLY, things are changing for me. Weight is dropping (I’m at my lowest in YEARS– 222 pounds, down from 237) and my body is changing in size and shape. Also, my body is getting stronger. I no longer need to run to my car to use my son’s inhaler when I finish doing the elliptical. in fact, last night? I RAN on the treadmill. Granted, only for 2 minutes at a time, but still. I RAN.
Also? I sweat when I work out now. For the longest time, I wouldn’t sweat. No matter how hard I worked. Then, I would sweat a little and I was so happy about that. Now? I ACTUALLY DRIP SWEAT. And? I GET SWEAT MARKS ON THE BACK OF MY SHIRT
MY ASS IS SMALLER. And I know this because I took pictures of it.
Current (in the same jeans.)
(still big, but smaller, but also kind of flatter and I’m not sure I like that. I don’t want a flat ass! Am going to google “how to lose weight and keep your J-Lo ass RIGHT THIS MINUTE.)
(Okay, turns out it only LOOKS flat because the jeans are big. I put on my yoga pants and you can still Rest a Cup on It. Whew!)
Every single day I need motivation to keep working out, to keep eating right. Every.Single.Day. So I write about it, so I post pictures. And while I find writing things out to be incredibly therapeutic, I have to be honest and say the feedback I get on these posts help keep me going. If that makes me pathetic, so be it. I’d rather be pathetic than I would HAVE DIABETES.
Thank you for following me on this journey. It means more to me than you could ever possibly imagine.
(click HERE to enlarge. AS IF IT NEEDS ENLARGING. haha)
Last night I was scrolling through old photos. I came across one from my trip to NYC last year. I was immediately drawn to my belly– my very large NOT AT ALL pregnant belly.
I wondered if I still look that big.
So, I grabbed the shirt out of my closet and put it on. Then, I called The Middle Child into the room. He is my most trusted child when it comes to being Brutally, but Lovingly, Honest.
“Look at this picture.” I said. “Now, tell me, can you tell I’ve lost a little bit of weight?”
“Mom!” He said. “You can tell A LOT. Your belly doesn’t look anything like that anymore.”
So, I asked him to take a picture of me.
He was all “Pretend like you’re talking on the phone like you were in that picture.”
And so I did.
I guess he’s right. There is a difference. Not a huge difference, but enough of a loss to motivate me to Keep Doing What I’m Doing. And by that, I mean WORK OUT ALL OF THE EFFING TIME.
It’s working. That right there is proof that it is working.
Exercise is NOT an option for me anymore. That’s my new reality. When you have thyroid disease, it’s just NOT an option. And that sucks because there are days where I am so tired that it actually hurts, but I have to force myself to get up and move. And even though I’ve not seen any movement on the scale in recent months, I keep working out. Because I HAVE HAVE HAVE TO.
These past couple of weeks, I’ve kicked it up a notch in the gym. Even on the days where I’ve LITERALLY CRIED while on the way to the gym because OH MY GOD, AM SO FATIGUED.
Last week, I worked out every single day. 30 minutes on the elliptical. 30-45 of weight training, alternating legs one day, arms the next. 15 minutes on the stationery bike. 15 minutes of ab work.
And then? When I’m done at the gym? I go to the park to Walk it Out.
Every single day.
And because experience has taught me that all of that work probably wouldn’t be enough (flips my thyroid THE FINGAH) I made some pretty drastic changes in my diet based on research I did on “What foods people with hypothyroidism should avoid.”
On Monday, I stepped on the scale like I do every morning. I expected to be disappointed yet again, prepared to give myself the “but you’re making your heart SO STRONG! That’s all that matters! Fuck the pounds!”
But that didn’t happen.
I was 6 pounds light.
225 pounds, down from 231.
I needed to see that loss on the scale. Months of working out with zero results can take a toll on ones mental health, you know?
It was just the inspiration I needed to take it up a few more notches at the gym.
I’ve increased my elliptical time to 40 minutes, added 3 pounds to my hand weights, 5 pounds to leg weights. And I’ve began to mix a little bit of running with my walking.
Oh yes, I ran yesterday. All 225 pounds of me MOTHER FUCKING RAN.
IN YOUR FACE, Hashimotos.
In YOUR face.
These days the majority of the that emails I get are from dudes named jurrapus telling me how I can “power up my manlyness” or from chicks named Stephanii asking if “she laughs at my tiny size.” and do I want to “grow my dick biggest?” Oh, and also some really, awful, horrible pitches from marketers.
I usually ignore bad pitches and send them to the spam folder. Occasionally, I’ll respond to really bad marketing emails, but usually only if a) they are harassing me b) they call me Jack because they need to know my name is NOT Jack and also they need to know not to ever email me again. However, I’m having a hard time ignoring the one I received today from a woman named Stephanie.
I was checking out Joy Unexpected and I really love the site! As a mom, you know how hard it is to get your body ready for swim suit season and a little boost of motivation can go a long way!
If you haven’t already heard of xxxxxx read on…If you’re already in the know, you’ll want check out our exciting new features for the tool that has helped over 200,000 users lose over 1 million virtual pounds collectively so far!
xxxxx is a FREE digital weight loss tool that allows users to see what they would look like at their target weight. It’s SO simple… you upload a photo of yourself, specify how much weight you’d like to lose, and xxxxx sends you back an image of yourself at your target weight (see example below). Dieters can see themselves thinner, which can provide the motivation needed to sustain a weight-loss goal… oh the things we do for motivation! Users are printing out the images and hanging them on their refrigerators, downloading as screensavers, etc.
Additionally, there is a Facebook community and our Facebook application:
The Facebook application allows users to:
· Track their progress with daily entries of your weight loss journey
· Connect with and share your photo with buddies for motivational support
· Discuss key weight loss issues with experts and other xxxxxx users
· Accrue points to be redeemed for additional motivational items from xxxxx for FREE such as prints, mugs, and t-shirts featuring the users “After” photo.
Should you be interested in trying out xxxxx or sharing it with your readers, please let me know if you need any additional information.
Oh my God.
The fact that a site exists where women can upload their pictures and in return receive a photo of what they’ll look like at their goal weight in the name of “motivation” is annoying in itself to me. I suppose I can understand how a site like that could be helpful to some people. Someone like myself, for instance, who has a great deal of weight to lose and is looking for any kind of light at the end of this Weight Loss Hell Tunnel. But, then again, not really because I just see it as another place in the world that makes women feel bad about the way their body looks.
Personally, I think it’s an asshole move to send emails to women that says “look at this site we’ve created for you to motivate you to lose weight!”? (And yes, it’s geared specifically towards women because the subject line of the email is: Helping Moms gear up for swim suit season!) I mean, if people want to go there voluntarily, because they are LOOKING for motivation to lose weight, AWESOME! But to just randomly send someone an email saying “I’ve got your motivation to lose weight right here!” NOT so awesome.
Which brings me to another point– Obviously, Stephanie has never read my blog. Because if she had, she would have seen this post and maybe, just maybe she would have thought twice about sending me the link to a site where I can VISUALIZE MYSELF AT MY GOAL WEIGHT! FOR MOTIVATION! BECAUSE NOT WANTING TO DIE OF HEART DISEASE OR GET DIABETES ISN’T MOTIVATION ENOUGH! YOU MUST SEE YOURSELF THINNER! AND POST THOSE PHOTOS ON YOUR FRIDGE! FOR MOTIVATION!
I really want to give her the big old giant finger because if you’ve read this site at all you would know that I’ve been “motivated” for many, many months and my body isn’t cooperating because I have this auto-immune disease that is fucking with my body in non pleasurable ways and guess what? Even posting articles on my fridge about how “obesity can kill” me isn’t motivating my metabolism enough to DROP THIS FUCKING WEIGHT ALREADY.
Also? I really don’t need your stupid website to help me envision what I will look like at my goal weight because I have a lifetime worth of old photos of myself at a normal (for me) weight. I see them daily, hanging on walls, in photo albums and I wish that I could look like that again some day. Every day I walk past photos of me and my children pre-thyroid disease and I wish I had that body back. And not just because I was thin, but because I was healthy. Because my hair was thick and shiny, not dull and falling out by the handfuls. Because I didn’t have puffy face or droopy eye. Because I had a healthy sex drive and never would have cried at the thought of having sex with the man I love. Because I had energy and was happy, not in a state of constant fatigue, brain fog and depression.
So, excuse me if I don’t want to join upload pictures to your site so you can show me how great I’ll look 75 pounds lighter! (FOR MOTIVATION!) (p.s. Like THIS.) But if you ever invent a site that will let you upload your Currently Not Being Treated Properly Auto Immune Disease so you can see what you’ll look like after you get Properly Medicated By A Doctor Who Gives A Shit, don’t hesitate to let me know about that! I’ll ever link to it from Twitter!
I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered that I’ve gained five pounds.
I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon. Woke up feeling just as tired as I did when I first laid down.
I tried composing a response to my doctor today, but I literally couldn’t think clear enough to form a comprehensive email.
My hair is all over the floor throughout my house.
But my numbers are in the “normal range.” So, whatever.
I was emailing back and forth with a woman who also has Hashimoto’s. There was something she said that made me nod my head furiously in agreement.
“I agree this is awful, I feel like..not me. I guess that’s the best way to describe it.”
That’s exactly the way to describe it. I feel like NOT ME. I don’t look the same, I don’t think the same, I don’t react to things the same. This has changed everything about who I am. Sometimes, I think I’ve come to terms with it, but then, I’ll see an old picture of myself and think “Wow, I used to have such thick, shiny hair.” Or I’ll read an old blog post that was funny and feel frustrated that I can’t write that way anymore. And suddenly I realize I’ve not yet come to terms with this disease and the havoc it has wreaked on my body and my mind.
The rational part of my brain understands that this is NOT THE WORST THING THAT I COULD HAVE. It’s not cancer. It’s not a brain tumor. It’s not MS. But on days like today, days where I have a hard time functioning, days where I have trouble thinking straight from the fatigue, days where I cry at the THOUGHT of having to put shoes on and exercise, it FEELS like the worst.
I have a confession.
I’ve not been to the gym since writing this post. I know that was not very smart health wise, but mentally, I needed the break.
So I just stopped.
I was overwhelmed with what feels like a losing battle. I was frustrated beyond all words. Did you know that I was having the EXACT SAME STRUGGLE with this last year at almost the exact same time?
This is what I wrote on April 23 of last year.
July 2006 (after having lost 70-ish pounds following the birth of my 3rd child)
April 2008 (4 months after finally being diagnosed with Hashimotos, even though I told my doctor and anyone who would listen to me that there was something wrong with my thyroid a year and a half ago.)
I can’t even begin to express how frightening that number is to me, nor can I express how depressed I am after doing a little research on “how to lose weight with Hashimoto’s.”
(You can read the rest of the post here.)
Here I am, a year later, facing the exact same problem (and also the exact same weight. Minus one pound.)
An entire year with no change, no matter how hard I’ve tried. No matter how many trips I’ve made to the gym or how many mother effing Weight Watchers points I’ve counted. No amount of positive thinking or attitude adjustments can change the fact that this shit is frustrating.
ALL CAPS FRUSTATING, even.
However, this is how I see it now that I’ve had a few weeks away from the gym. I have two choices in this situation. Give up entirely or dust myself off and try again.
I’ve decided on the latter.
EVEN IF I never lose another pound. EVEN IF I am this size forever. EVEN IF.
So, I will be back in the gym (Rumba!) tonight. And starting on Saturday, I’ll be back in Weight Watcher meetings. I do believe there are things that I can do different, things I’ve not yet tried, that can be helpful. I’m going to explore the other options, like, you know, riding a bike! I don’t know, something. I need to shake my routine up, for sure.
I have decided I’m going to actively blog my weight journey on this blog again. I had to close down the weight loss blog because a full time job + 3 kids + 1 horn-ay husband + a dog = only time for 1 blog and even then, not really time for 1 blog.
My hope is that next year, when I read back on this entry, I will be able to say “I’m so glad I didn’t give up.” because I will be healthier, stronger and happier.
Since being diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, I’ve had more than one doctor tell me that it would be difficult to lose weight They made it sound like it would be impossible. I was even told to measure my success by “not gaining weight.” instead of “by losing weight.”
Because that’s not depressing enough, I was told by an emergency room doctor that I would need to use extreme caution when exercising because hypothyroidism had caused irregularities in my heart beat. I was told it was okay to walk and lift light weights, but not much more than that.
I remember walking out of the emergency room feeling hopeless. How could I ever lose the 70 pounds I had put on since this whole thyroid mess began by WALKING? Especially when doctors had already made it clear that weight loss would be such a challenge.
I also felt fear. Fear that I could possibly kill myself by working out just a little too hard.
I was deeply depressed for weeks. I tried to pretend like everything was fine, like I knew I was going to be okay eventually. But that wasn’t the truth. I felt hopeless, scared and very sad at what had become of this body of mine.
Recently, something kind of amazing happened. After a year of being on thyroid medication (for a condition that went undiagnosed for almost TWO YEARS.) I began to feel a bit more like myself. I had more energy. I wasn’t mentally exhausted every minute of every day. I no longer felt depressed and the mental fog I had been living in was lifting. So, I decided it was time to do something about my weight. Because I finally felt strong enough to do it. I joined Weight Watchers and began working out in the gym again.
It wasn’t easy at first. But I had the stamina to stick with it.
And every time I worked out, I felt just a little bit better. I was careful with my heart rate, but I didn’t let fear stop me from pushing myself just a little bit harder. I went from being able to only do 20 minutes at a level 5 to doing 45 minutes at a level 8-9. And I FINALLY STARTED TO SWEAT. I felt so damn good that one time? I started to cry happy tears. WHILE WORKING OUT. It was cheesy, but wonderful at the same time.
The first month, I lost 10 pounds. Which was a MIRACLE for my body. At least it felt like one.
But now, here we are, months later and guess what? I’ve not lost a single pound. In fact? I’ve gained a pound.
I know I said I wasn’t going to pay attention to the numbers on the scale. Because this is about getting healthy! This is about strengthening my heart! And adding years to my life! And I AM stronger! I HAVE built up endurance! GO MY BODY!!
But, I am 80 pounds over weight. At some point, I need to see the numbers drop on the scale. Or at LEAST the dress sizes drop. But… NOTHING. It’s not happening and seriously? WHAT THE HELL?
I’ve been going to the gym faithfully at least 5 nights a week. And I’ll spend at least 1-2 hours there working my ass off every time I go. When I don’t go, I work out here with weights and squats and walks around the block. I’m staying within my points on weight watchers (except for the night I had a chocolate chip calzone and 2 martinis on date night. Oh! And a cadbury egg last night. But even still… WORKING!OUT!EVERY!NIGHT!)
The point is this. After weeks of walking around going “I may not be losing weight, but I’m gaining strength! And I feel better!” the lack of any significant change to my weight has finally knocked me on my ass.
I feel defeated.
Last night my husband tried to make me feel better about it. “Honey, you’re working so hard. You’re trying to do the right thing and that’s all that matters.”
“I know.” I said. “I’m proud of myself for that. But.. imagine if you were working hard to pay down your debt. And every week when you got paid, you took any extra money and applied it towards that debt. You sacrificed doing things you loved so you could pay that debt off. And imagine if every week when you checked the balance, it stayed the same. Even though you had put every extra penny you had towards the balance. It hadn’t budged a single penny. WOULD YOU NOT BE UPSET?”
He got it.
I hate to be all Soap Opera Serious, but– that’s how I feel today. Maybe I’ll feel better once I’m at the gym tonight, but right now, in this moment, I feel hopeless. This isn’t about vanity. This is about feeling scared for what all of this extra weight is doing to me internally and feeling hopeless to change it. I’ve been doing all of the “right things” and it’s not working.
What else can I do?