Category Archives: random

Because Christmas is About Winning!

I try to maintain my civility while out shopping. Especially in the days just before Christmas, when stores are filled with all of God’s Children who are so very full of love, joy, peace and patience. Even if I’m pissed off in the depths of my soul, I will smile and bite my tongue when you roll my foot over with your cart because you’re in a hurry and can’t be bothered to slow down OR say “sorry”. But at some point every year, as hard as I try to nice in the face of the jerks all around me, my Asshole Tolerance Level is pushed to the absolute max and I’ll lose it. That doesn’t mean I go crazy and start cutting people, it just means I’ll stop smiling and quite possibly ask you to BACK YOUR CART UP OFF OF MY TOES, YOU INCONSIDERATE DICK.

Last night at Target, I had HAD IT.

While I was making my way to the checkout with my cart FULL of stuff, a cartless woman was walking towards me. I made the assumption that since she did not have a cart or anything in her hands, she would politely step to the side so that I wouldn’t have to steer my cart (full of stuff) to the side. You know, the way people who are not assholes do. So, I kept walking in the same direction.

But so did she.

And as she got closer, I realized that the woman had no intention on stepping aside so that I could get by. Even though there was plenty of room for her cart-less ass to do so! She was going to stay the course and make me move out of HER way. I know that I could have simply moved my cart and been done with it, but I was taking a stand man.

Because it wasn’t bad enough that she wasn’t going to step to the side so I could get by, she was staring right in my face as she was approaching– she was giving me The Finger with her ugly face!

Finally, we met face to face. I stopped my cart and she stopped walking. We both stopped and stared at each other in some ridiculous game of assholery. Realizing she was going to stand her ground, I said “EX-CUUUSE ME” in the bitchiest tone possible. She snarled her lip at me, sighed loudly…And stepped aside.

It was beautiful.

Hairstory.

Guess who HATES HER NEW HAIRCUT SO EFFING MUCH that she came home and tried to fix it?
Picture or Video 1959
I know and yet… Scissors.
Why did I let a stylist that I didn’t know cut 5 inches off of my hair? And why did I let her put “short layers?” And why do I have two complete different hair cuts on my one head of hair???!
Shit.

[scraps]

Once upon a time, when I used to cook dinner every single night, I had a fridge full of leftovers. Steaks. Sheppards pie. Potato bake. I didn’t want to food to go to waste, so one night I proclaimed “Tonight, we’re having scraps for dinner!”
“SCRAPS?!” Pighunter said, in a tone that could only be described as “horrified.”
“Yes, Scraps. We have a ton of food left over from this week and I thought I’d just heat it all up and eat it before it goes bad.”
“Oh, leftovers!” He said, somewhat relieved. “Not SCRAPS! We’re not dogs! We’re humans! IT’S LEFTOVERS!”
In my mind, scraps is totally different than leftovers in this way. Let’s say I make meatloaf and mashed potatoes on Wednesday night. Thursday night, I decide to reheat that. THAT would be leftovers. Now let’s say that on Monday night I made enchiladas with rice. Then, on Tuesday night, I made a steak with a broccoli salad. Then, on Wednesday night, I decided to put the enchiladas, rice, steak and broccoli salad that was left out and let every one choose whatever they want to eat. THAT would be scraps. Because, get it, it’s scraps from various different meals as opposed to a specific, reheated meal from the night before.
Did I really just try to explain the difference between “scraps” and “leftovers?” Yes. I did.
Anyway…
Think of this post as the blog equivalent of “scraps.” A little bit of this and a little bit of that, but totally not leftovers.

Continue reading

On Notice:

My Doctor
People Who Do Not Give “The Courtesy Wave.”
My Thyroid
The checker at Vons who interrogates me about every coupon.
Commenters who do not use real email addresses.
Flickr.
My brain.
Scott Baio
The All Wimmins Gym.
This Week.

Friday Night.

I earned this mojito.
It’s been “One of Those Weeks.”
Staph infections, ear infections, water in the keyboard, mud in the carpet, flood in the garage and so on and so forth.
I’ve been looking forward to Friday night, so that I could pour me a glass of that minty stuff and try to put this week behind me.
The new bumps forming on my son arms lead me to believe our troubles aren’t over yet, but I plan on enjoying my adult beverage and forgetting my cares if only for a couple of hours.
mmmm, devil water.

Urgent Care Doctor: 0 Mommyblogger: 1

Me: Hi. I think my son might have the chicken pox. Help?
Urgent Care Doctor: Doesn’t look like chicken pox, but it could be! but probably not! but there’s nothing we can do anyway! so just give him benadryl and calamine lotion.
Shorty Mom (in my comments): I took my son in for a visit when he got up one morning complaining about a headache and dizziness. He had a spot on his hip the night before that I thought was another bout of ringworm we suffered with through the summer. That afternoon he had more red spots and I cringed at the thought of chicken pox. His doctor said to keep him away from pregnant women but she thought it was a staff infection and not the chicken pox. Staff infection was right when the antibiotic she prescribed started clearing them up within a couple of days. The longer they go untreated, the more they look like a big pimple. Hope you get it figured out!
Me: (googles staph infection) OH SHIT. I think it’s a staph infection. (calls my doctor. My doctor says bring him on my lunch hour.)
Diagnoisis? Staph infection (waiting for the culture to come back to find out more… but starting on antibiotics now.)
The thing that pisses me off the most is that they could have started treating it that night had either one of the doctors listened to me when I pointed out the large bumps on his arms. “It started with THESE TWO BUMPS RIGHT HERE.”
Didn’t even phase them. I pointed them out at least 5 times and they just went “hmm” every time. Had I not written about it on my blog, I probably would have just kept waiting to see if they got better on their own because they specifically told me THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO. IT WILL CLEAR UP ON IT’S OWN.
I love you, oh readers of my blog. I really, really do. And because I love you, I am going to try really hard to stop writing about my family’s medical problems because, enough already, yes?

Tap Tap My Tagline! (Or “The One in Which I learn That One Should Always Consult the Urban Dictionary Before Hitting Publish.)

I was surfing the myspace accounts of my son’s friends last night.
Most of the accounts are marked as “private” so I couldn’t view them, but a few of the kids have changed their age to 19 so that their accounts are not locked as private.
Thank God for that, because had they not lied about their age, I never would have found The Greatest Blog Post by a Teenage Boy EVER.
Although I am tempted to copy and paste the entire entry here on my blog, I won’t because, as my son would say “that’s messed up”. But I am going to share with you the funniest thing that I have read on the internet in a very long time.
In this post (which was about a “gurll” who “was lying because she just wanted 2 b seen and get attention from ppl”) he said the following…
“ur toothfaced! Don’t ever talk to me again kk?”
When I first read it, I was all “What is this ‘toothfaced’ the youth are talking about?”
And then it hit me that he really didn’t mean toothfaced. He meant two- faced. He just didn’t KNOW that he meant two-faced, because he thinks it’s toothfaced and this makes me laugh so hard that it physically hurts.
I don’t know why I found it so funny, except that maybe it reminds me of the time that I got spanked for shouting what I thought was “Geezus!” in anger (You know, kind of like “gee whiz!”) but my parents thought I was saying “JESUS!” (You know, as in “JESUS CHRIST!”) And I really was saying “JESUS!” I just didn’t know it because whenever I heard people saying “JESUS!” I honestly thought they were saying “GEEZUS!”
Anyway. You can be sure I’m using that word (TOOTHFACED!!!!) every chance I get.
I think that it will make Geezus very happy.
Bonus Toothfaced

What does YOUR dvd collection say about YOU?


How sad (or funny?) is it that the first thing I thought when I saw this collection of dvd’s in one of the boxes in the garage today that the FIRST THING I thought was this…
“Losers cry/buy workout dvd’s that they’re never going to use. $19.99 x 8= like $160.00 x however many other dvds you bought in hopes of losing that lard ass= a pretty sweet down payment on a house.”
You know what that means right?
That I AM A WINNER.
I did the math.

No need to worry! We’re not on fire! (Yet…)

It kind of hurts to breathe
The fires are all around us, but not close enough to cause any concern. The only concern is the air quality. It’s smoky and ashy. That worries me because of my daughters history of asthma attacks. She’s already displaying some early symptoms that an attack may be looming around the corner, but I’m not going to stress about something that may not happen.
I’ve been watching the NON STOP coverage on the news and my heart breaks people who have been affected by these horrific fires. I worry about the firefighters risking their lives to save the lives (and property) of others. I worry about the animals, the elderly, the people who have no one to turn to for help. It’s a horrible situation and I feel incredibly grateful that my family is safe.

OH! HELL! NO!

Someone who reads this blog sent me an email this morning with a link to this site. She was freaked out because at the bottom of the page there was a picture of MY CHILDREN used in a “testimonial.”
OH HELL NO.
I emailed “Ashley” and asked her to remove my photo immediately.
No response as of yet.
There is also a picture of an ultrasound with the words “girl parts” written in Paint. that I KNOW I saw on a blog recently but I can’t remember which one.
Anyone have any advice how to go about this if she does not respond to my email?
I would greatly appreciate it.
**edited to add**
She responded to the email and took the picture down.
Now, I hope it’s only a matter of time before the whole thing disappears…