Mario or Emmitt?
I’m tired as hell, but I still woke up with a spring in my step and a smile on my face because, it’s Tuesday and you know what that means, right?
Oprah and Gayle’s Big Adventure! That’s what.
I’m not even joking a little bit when I tell you that Tuesdays have become the greatest day of the week because of their sweet lil’ road trip. Let there be no confusion, I am still not a “fan” of tom cruise, infact, this road trip has made me dislike her even more, but Gayle, on the other hand.
Lord have mercy, I love me some Gayle.
She’s funny, carefree, she doesn’t take herself too seriously and the thing that I love the most about her? She calls tom cruise out on her shit. (Like when they got in the fight about the Paul Simon song and she was all “you’re just mad because I don’t get it the way you get it and you want everyone to think like you.” Or something really similar to that. OH SNAPS, G.)
[small voice]I want to be Gayle’s friend and go to step class with her.[/small voice]
Speaking of “getting called out”…
Last Tuesday night, I sat at a table with Jay Mohr, Nikki Cox, Ralphie May, Bert and um, my cousin.
Talk about akward.
You see, Jay had invited me to see his show at The Improv. He was all “If you want to come, I’ll put you on the Almighty List.” And I was all “let me think about it YES PUT ME ON IT NOW OK THANK YOU.”
Tony didn’t want to go. I think he said something about it being a “weeknight” and having to “get up early” for “work” but I can not be sure because I was too busy planning out which “outfit” would make my boobs look the biggest to know for sure.
I invited my cousin, partly because I wanted to spend some time with her and partly because no one in my family believes that I know him (which is so lame because there is photographic evidence!) and having her there with me would put the doubts to rest once and for all.
We arrived at The Improv a few minutes before the show started. I walked up to the window and proudly announced “Hi, I’m on Jay’s list.” The girl looked up at me and said “ID please.” She checks the list, looks puzzled and says “um, one minute.”
“Is there a problem?”
“Yeah, you’re on the list for the 10:30 show. My manager is looking into it.”
The manager comes back a few minutes later and says “Ok, you can go in.”
We walk in and the manager tells the man who was going to seat us “They’re VIP.”
I admit it. I made sweet pee pee. Just a little bit. I’ve never been VIP anything before, well, unless you count that one week in Kindergarten when I got to talk about myself all week long and everyone in the class had to write a story about me. That was pretty sweet.
As soon as we turned the corner to make our way to “VIP” seating, I saw Jay. (eeeeeee! I know, I shouldn’t love him anymore. There are so many reasons not to and yet, I do. And I probably always will.) He walked over, gave me a very awesome hug and complimented me. I introduced him to my cousin, he shook her hand (haha! I got a hug, she got a handshake! I WIN!!) and then said “You’re sitting VIP tonight.”
I was all “Where’s VIP.”
He was all “You’re sitting at my table, with all of the comedians.”
I looked over and there was a table full of comedians + one very HOT Nikki Cox.
I pissed my pants again, but this time it was not sweet pee pee, for it was THE PEE OF FEAR.
I had met Nikki once before, but I do not KNOW Nikki. I had met Bert before, but I do not KNOW Bert (Also? Bert does not answer my MYSPACE MESSAGES and so I am pretty pissed off at him. I mean, he sends me a bunch of “bulletins” in which he tells me to “watch this video” or “come see him perform here” but BOB FORBID HE ANSWER MY MESSAGES.) I had never met Ralphie (although, I watched him on Last Comic Standing and thought he was heelarious.) I felt so out of place and very much like I may have to lay down and die from the fear.
We walked up to the table and everyone looked at me like “Who in THE HELL?”
“Hi, I’m Y from Joy Unexpected!”
Ha! Ha! I’m lying. I didn’t actually say that, but I was tempted to, to try to fit in, like “Yeah, I’m an entertainer just like you! Respect me? and like me? please?!”
“Hi, uh, I’m Y, Uh, Um, yeah, I’m a friend of Jay’s. Um, hahah yeah.”
(OH MY GOD! THIS STORY IS SO BORING! WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS OTHER THAN TO BRAG THAT I WAS A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON?)
Blahblahblah, the show was hilarious, Jay is hot, Nikki has big boobs, Ralphie May made me spit my drink out, Bert made me fart (but I’m pretty sure no one heard it because the laughter was too loud.) blahblah. He invited me to go again tonight and I said yes. blahblahblahandalsohahahaha)
(That was totally one of those stories that is completely awesome to the person telling it, but totally lame to the people listening. So lame, that they’d rather stab themselves in the hand repeatedly with scissors than listen to it. Sorry about that.)
In more exciting news…
I got my electric bill today!
I just added that to the list of “Reasons That I Hate California With a Passion and Would Move Today Were it Not For the Fact That My Entire Family Lives Here.”
(But seriously, who needs a kidney?)
Is anyone else watching Last Comic Standing? And if so, is anyone else experiencing RAGE at the comics that were chosen to move on last night?
Stella made it, but Doug Benson didn’t? (Hello, lame ass judges, the “Segue” bit? Brilliant.)
Dude. DUDES. Hate.Rage.Anger.
But seriously, folks, STELLA?
I’ll be voting for Elliot ALL NIGHT tonight.
I love Elliot. Did you hear that Internet? I LOVE ELLIOT.
Bless his little heart.
People don’t think he’s pretty enough to win and to those people, I raise my middle fingah high up in the air and kindly tell them to SUCK IT. The kid can sing. His voice is powerful and I kind of want him to sing songs to me ([little voice]while I stroke his 98% deaf ear softly[/little voice] and cook enchiladas for him, because, yes, I daydream about cooking enchiladas for him, whilst he sings to me.
I realize that posting this outs me for the pathetic loser that I am (meaning I had NO WHERE TO GO on newyears eve because ha! This is the fourth year in a row we’ve not been invited anywhere for New Years Eve! )
Oh MY GOD.
Mariah Carey. Obviously, this women has no idea that there is such a thing as TRYING TOO HARD.
MARIAH. WE GET IT. You’re sexy. (but not really, but we get that you WANT us to think that.)
YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY NOW.
Please. They scare me.
Also? Honey, the money you sepnd on personal assistants that help you do things like BRING THE CUP UP TO YOUR MOUTH because you’re too damn lazy to do it yourself? Could you please spend that money on some dancing lessons? You’re not fooling me with your oversized scarves or whatever the hell those things are you that you use to try to distract everyone from the fact that your dancing SUCKS BIG ONES.
You have big ones, don’t you Mariah?
I know, I’m just jealous because OMG!11! MARIAH IZ SO HOT AND SEXXXAY!1 AND i’M NOT AND I WISH I WUZ HERZ!
Put your boobs away, ok?
I am not ashamed of my Love of Reality T.V. Neither is COOKAAAAY. We confess it, we talk about, we are completely open and honest about it, we get excited about it.
But mostly? We laugh really hard about it.
Sometimes, you can actually learn from it.
I was one of “those people” who believed that Whitney Houston was “WAY too good” for Bobby Brown.
But then? This little gem aired on television and suddenly, I found myself saying things like “leave her skanky ass, Bobb-ay! Find a woman who appreciates you! One who does not blow you off and roll her eyes at you! Find someone who gets “her hair did” and puts on make up every once in a while!” God, I love that show. I mean, were it not for that show, I’d have never known that Bobby Brown had to dig shit out of Whitney Houstons ass. You wanna “dance with somebody” now? DO YOU?
How did I ever live without My Reality TV?
I know some people like to mount their High Horses and say things like “It’s not even REALITY! It’s totally manipulated! There’s nothing ‘real’ about it!”
To them I say “SO?” And then, I push them off of their horse. I do not care about that as I’m watching Kathy Griffin’s parents pretending like their “fans” buying her dvd because only 4 people showed up to her “in store dvd signing?” That’s awesome television and I’d much rather watch THAT then watch Marge Whateverherlastname and her jacked up lips solve some “imaginary crimes”. borrrring.
I’d much rather watch Gary FREAKING Busey fighting with The Snapple Lady then watch Martin Sheen “pretending” to be The President.
I don’t watch every reality show that’s out there, but I am pretty sure I watch most of them.
The Amazing Race, Survivor, Intervention, Airplane, Queer eye for the straight guy, Family Plots, Average Joe, Celebrity Fit Club, Surreal Life, I want to be a Hilton (I know), American Idol, The Apprentice, The Real World, Road Rules, Battle of the sexes, Big Brother, Blow Out (again, I know, but seriously? The Crying Hairdresser was awesome), Trading Spouses, Wife Swap, Trading Spaces, A Baby Story, Punked, America’s Next Top Model, Strip Search, MR.ROMANCE!! (only the greatest reality show in the history of reality shows!)… And these are the ones I can think of off as I type. I’m sure there are more.
See? Love? And, see? Not ashamed.
You shouldn’t be ashamed either.
I have a confession.
I tivo’d The View.
If you knew how much I hate each and everyone of those women, you’d understand how badly it hurt to hit “record”. I haven’t watched them in YEARS, but last night, I saw a commercial that said Dr.Cruise was going to be on and I was like OH I HATE HIM SO I HAVE TO WATCH IT!
I just finished watching it and HOLY SHIT, it was worse than I had imagined it would be.
OH MY GOD.
Each of them kissed his ass profusely, as I expected they would, but WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THOSE WOMEN? It was “katie” this and “katie” that and “you must work out a lot because look at your body”. and “the movie was INCREDIBLE” and “GO GET KATIE WE WANT TO SEE HER BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD HASN’T HAD ENOUGH OF YOU BOTH YET SO GO GO OMG HERE SHE COMES EEEEEEEEEEEEE KATIE!”
I would love to “sit down” and “talk” with Mr.Cruise.
“Hey Tom, you recently made comments about Brooke Shields in which you judged her for the way she chose to treat her post partum depression. My question for you is.. When did you grow a vagina? Oh, you don’t have a vagina? Seriously? You mean, you’ve never pushed a human being with a skull and bones out of your twat? REALLY? Then why don’t you shut the fuck up about women’s issues already? Or, better yet? Why don’t you say it to my face, pretty boy? Tell me I was wrong to take medication to keep me from hurting myself YOU BIG STUD. SAY.IT.RIGHT.NOW.”
Why is the media so damn nice to that man? Why do the WOMEN continue to kiss his ass? I think he could say “I beat my wimmins and make them chew my toenails” and the women on The View would be like “You’re amazing, Tom! I’m jealous of Katie!”
In other news, I got my hair “cut” today. Only, I chickened out because I’ve become completely attached to my long hair and only got a trim.
I love it though, it’s so fresh and light and shiny and… people? I’M IN LOVE. That’s right. I’m in love with my hair, because my hair is beautiful and compassionate, and my hair cares deeply about people.
I may not be “Ebert”, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do a little movie review for all y’all.
Kicking and Screaming, starring Will Ferrell and Robert Duvall, SUH-HUCKS. Hard.
Infact, it sucks SO HARD that I GUARANTEE you that you’ll leave the theatre with filled with Movie Rage.
Ok, maybe not, that could very well be something only me and Skits understand. But trust me, you’ll be SO FREAKING MAD that you spent TWENTY EIGHT DOLLARS to see it.
Hell, I bet you’d be pissed if you paid ONE dollar to see it. No lie.
SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK.
It’s been 3 hours since we walked out of the theatre and I’m still pissed about the suckage.
It sucked that bad.
Did I mention that it SUCKS?
Because it totally sucked.