Category Archives: Holidays

Ho Ho Ho-ly crap, already?

Christmas is next Saturday, right?
You’d think I’d have one gift by now, wouldn’t you? But I don’t. Not a one. It just doesn’t “feel” like Christmas.
But, hey! At least we have a tree! It wasn’t as bad of an experience as it usually is for me either. We found The Perfect Tree in only a few minutes.
Ok, Tony found it, but according to the bible, we are one, so, “we” it is.
It is not missing a middle section, it is not lobsided, it is not dry. It is perfect. (And you will SHUTUP about my lack of window treatments! YOU WILL!)
(Perfect for us anyway, because we ALWAYS end up with fuh-gly trees.)
Last night, I gave up control and let the boys do the decorating. They always help and I always try to let them do it, but it never fails, when they go to sleep? I rearrange all of the ornaments because it drives me crazy to see them not properly spaced out. Like, DO NOT PUT ALL RED ONES IN ONE SPOT, SPREAD THEM OUT OH CHILDREN OF MINE. But this year? I just let go. Perfect isn’t so important, but their happiness and sense of accomplishment is. (Ha! Let’s see how true that rings when they want to help “wrap the presents.)
I will not lie, it is bugging the living shit out of me, because, AHHHHHHH… Too many of the same ornaments in the one section of the tree! But you know what? They had so much fun doing it and they really took it seriously. Also? THEY DIDN’T FIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME, which is a miracle in itself. A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! How could I NOT love it just the way it is?

Besides, I have much more important things to worry about. Things like, you know, STARTING MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!

And they call this ” A Parenting Blog” ha! ha!

I have a confession.
I hate picking one out, I hate decorating them, I hate watering them, I hate vacuuming around them, I hate having to take the decorations off.
I try to pretend I don’t hate them, because, you know, the kids love them and look forward to getting one and making it all “pretty”.
I do my best to make it enjoyable. I make hot cocoa, and put on christmas music. I smile while they hang the ornaments all random like with no regard for SPACING or PLACEMENT. I say things like “very pretty!” “wow, you really have an eye for decorating!” “I really am LOVING THIS, YOU GUYS!”
But deep down inside? I WANT TO PUNCH PEOPLE.
Ah, Letting the kids help decorate the tree is GREAT FUN!.
One year? I rebelled and refused to go shopping for the tree. I told Tony I trusted him and the boys to pick out a great tree!
Yeah, that didn’t work out to well because they came home with a tree that was MISSING THE ENTIRE MIDDLE SECTION.

I was pissed and man, I said a whole ‘lotta “F” words, but Tony wasn’t even having it, he was like “Oh HELL NO”. (because, you know, I made the choice to not help him pick it out, but, come on, how do you pick a tree with NO MIDDLE SECTION?)
Anyway, I swore I’d never do that again and that, as much as I hate shopping for trees, I’d suck it up and go because, HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS! I love doing holiday things with my kids! I AM A GREAT MOTHER!
But really? I’m not a “great mother” when it comes to the holidays. I don’t have the patience for it. Like, last night. I had the bright idea to go to Michaels to buy some supplies to do some “holiday crafts.” I decided on glass ornaments to paint and clay ornaments to bake.
Um. Within the first 5 minutes water was spilled on the newspaper I had just laid on the table and one glass ornament was shattered into pieces.
Now, a Good Mother, who possessed patience and a little holiday spirit might have sighed a little, but understood, “hey! They’re just kids, relax! It’s Christmas.”
But me? I put my face in my hands and GROWLED, like “AAAHHHHHGRRRRRRRRR”.
“Are you going to cry mom? You’re going to cry, aren’t you?”
“No! I’m not going to cry! I’m going to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that this is fun and ACCIDENTS HAPPEN! So, give me a minute and we’ll get back to painting after I calm down.”

It’s like, I realize I’m being an Asshole Mother, but I can’t stop myself. How do you patient, christmas loving, perfect mothers DO IT? What is your secret?
Tony will be home in less then an hour and as soon as he takes a dump, we’ll head out to look for a tree. I’ve been thinking “positive thoughts” all day, but I promise you, the minute we hit the tree lot, I’ll be wishing I was at home, watching Dr.Phil whilst EATING MY 6TH BANANA for the day.
Because, trust me, that would be more fun than looking for a stupid Christmas Tree.

Happy Easter.

Ahhh, Decorating eggs.
The kids love it. Me? No lovey.
Infact, I pretty much hate it.

If you take a really good look at the picture, you can see that Tony isn’t that into it, either. At least I PRETEND I’m having fun, Tony’s a little more “out there” with his hatred.
Ethan was the only one straight up LOVING it. Andrew had fun, but he’s at that age where he can’t let on that he’s enjoying it too much, because, he’s 12 and that means he’s supposed to be “too cool” for stuff like that.
Easter has always been a holiday that I love.
Not because of the candy, or the eggs, or the stupid bunny.
Because of the message of the resurrection of Christ.
It’s a message of amazing love, sacrifice and mostly, one of great hope.
I told my dad I would attend his Easter service today. Now, I’m having second thoughts. I remember when I was one of the church going people, I’d smirk at the people who’d only come to church on Christmas and Easter, never imagined I’d be one of “those people.”
I’ll probably go, for my dad’s sake. I don’t want to deal with him being upset and hurt because I didn’t show up.
I just hope Gabby doesn’t rip one during his sermon.

Not that you asked…

What did I get for Christmas? You see those 4 beautiful people right there? The ones smiling while waiting for me to take that picture? THAT is what I got for Christmas. Smiles, from my children and my husband.
Lots of smiles.
And love.
OH, the LOVE! I took that picture at 5:45am on Christmas day, just before we headed out to the living room to watch our children began unwrapping their gifts. There, in my bed, was my entire family and I thought to myself “I’m looking at my entire life right there, how lucky am I?”.
I will never forget that moment.
Of course, 20 minutes later, there was crying and arguing and fighting and farting and more farting. And still, I said “I’m the luckiest woman I know” And I wasn’t just saying that because my farts NEVER stink. I was saying it because I have been blessed with three beautiful children who are healthy, happy and who love me.
It was a special Christmas, the first one with our daughter.
The daughter we thought we’d never have.
The daughter who has brought each and every member of our family infinite amounts of joy, laughter, pride and love.
The daughter who makes me swell with pride (and not just because she farts just as loud as I do.)
I never could have imagined the delight I’d get out of dressing a little girl. Hello? I get to put dresses on, with socks and shoes that match the dress and? I can put BOWS IN A LITTLE PERSONS HAIR! It’s, like, totally awesome, man.
I refrained from buying all things girl for Gabby because I realise at this age she has no clue what is going on. Instead, I got her one big toy that I knew she’d enjoy. Do you have any idea how hard it was to NOT buy here all kinds of pretty girl things?
Next year, Oh yes, next year indeed.
Both of the boys were extremely happy with their gifts (although, clearly one of them has a WEE bit more enthusiasm than the other).
I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day, although, it would have been nice if Christmas could have been the day I could have declared “The Kegals have finally done their job! My ‘little problem’ is cured and I no longer pee a little when I laugh a lot.”
Oh well, one can’t get EVERYTHING they wish for in one day now, can they?
I’ll leave you with what I believe is my favorite picture of my daughter yet. Remember when I told you that she loves to look at herself?” Just look…

See? Precious, I tell you.

Little in the middle but she got much branch

We’re getting ready to go get our great fun. This probably is my LEAST favorite thing about Christmas. I’m all for a fake tree, but Tony don’t play that. I will go inspite of my hatred for great fun shopping because the ONE year I decided I’d stay home and trust Tony to find a decent tree is the one year I ended up with a piece of shit tree with an entire middle section missing. I swore to myself I would never let that happen again. Funny thing is, this year? I WANT to get an ugly tree so that I can teach my boys about finding beauty in things that are percieved as ugly to the world. I thought I’d get all “deep and shit” and teach them that beauty comes from within and that with a little love, an ugly tree can become a beautiful thing. But that’s, like, even too cheesy for ME to stand. And I have a high tolerance for cheese.
So, off to deal with The Ignorants and The Assholes of this town in search of a pretty tree that we’ll waste AT LEAST $60.00 on only to throw it out a few days later.
Merry effin Christmas.

martha stewart, i’m not.

i wonder. is there really any one sitting next to the great fun, presents all wrapped, sipping hot cocoa, listening to nat king cole singing the christmas song while the smell of the cookies baking in the oven fills the air?
if so, i’m jealous because i’m sitting here, house torn apart, presents still unwrapped, hell, some still UN-bought, eating some food from jack in the box while listening to eminem.

merry freakin’ christmas!

hide the lighter fluid and matches

this is a conversation (if you can call it that) i just had with my husband.

“ok, i know i have no right to talk because i didn’t go with you to pick it out, but… this is the ugliest effing christmas tree that i have ever seen. how the hell am i supposed to decorate this piece of crap? didn’t you noticed there was like a whole section missing from the tree right in the middle and that it’s totally lopsided? how the hell am i supposed to hang lights from it if there are no branches in the middle of the damn tree?

his response?

“damn right you have no right to talk, i told you to come help me pick it out.”

i can’t really argue with that, but come on! he couldn’t tell half the damn tree was missing? *deep breaths* think it’s time to stop looking at the tree and watch my thug work out video.