I was talking to my mom on the phone right now and I played her the recording of my dogs. She laughed and then said “no wonder you’re mental, that would make anyone crazy.”
I laughed at first, but as I sit here and think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach.
“no wonder you’re mental“…
Words can not describe what I am feeling at this very moment. She didn’t mean it as a put down, she was joking, but it’s the truth.
I never in my life thought I would end up “this way.” I never thought people would think of me as crazy or a “god damn psycho.” I always thought of myself as an outgoing person that people liked, because I have the ability to make people laugh, but now I feel as though I’m “ruined.”
All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted, isn’t that what we all want? I never wanted to be this overweight, crazy lady who cries and sleeps all day and doesn’t want to go anywhere because I feel like some kind of monster. I never wanted to avoid my friends and family, not answering my phone or going places because I am ashamed at who I have become.
This is not the kind of person I wanted to be.
I am getting better, I am getting help and doing what I need to do to snap out of this. This isn’t me whining or wanting sympathy, it’s just those words my mom said sinking in and me realizing the magnitude of what has happened to me over the last few months.
Don’t ever judge people who are going through this kind of shit, and most certainly don’t ever say it could never happen to you, because you never know when life is going to take it’s toll on your heart, and when you’re heart isn’t right, neither is your mind, I’m living proof of that.
I am on my way to my first appointment with a new psychiatrist.
I am nervous, and feel like I’m going to puke.
I hope this goes better then the first time. I swear, if he pisses me off the way the other man did, I will walk out this time and I will give him the finger on the way out the door, I’m not in the mood today.
Wish me luck, I’ll need it.
I had another ugly episode. My husband had to restrain me again. I am beat up. He wants to take me to the hospital. He doesn’t understand, sometimes, that is the only way I can deal with the shit that is happening. I am talking, and he doesn’t hear me. No one does. I give everything I have, but God forbid I stop feeding your fucking ego and think about me for once, because, really, it’s all about you, right?
So I am sitting here researching Self Injury. I admit it. I do it. I don’t know how else to cope. I am not being heard.
Am I ashamed? Very. Am I crazy? No. You might think I am, but you don’t know me. I am an incredibly loving woman, mother to 2 amazing boys, and I have so much love in my heart to offer the people around me, but my mind doesn’t want to let me be myself anymore. I have good days and then one bad moment and it feels like I’m never going to be ok.
My head hurts, but my heart hurts more.
Don’t tell me to love myself, don’t tell me I can’t make everyone happy, don’t tell me how wonderful I am, don’t tell me anything, just let me vent, just let me be honest and tell you how I feel. I know I need help and I’m seeking it. Just let me cry and scream and do what I need to do.
If you are my friend you will stand by me, you will listen, you will tell me you love me. If you can’t do that, then get the fuck out of my life, I don’t have time or energy to waste on false friends and backstabbers. I need to be surrounded with only the very best of people, with the truest of intentions. If you are using me, I can see through you and I will rid my life of you. I am strong enough to do that. I am not weak. I AM angry and I am hurt, I am confused, but I am fighting and I am fighting hard.
I haven’t had much to say for the last few days. It’s very strange, but the Proz*ac has really kicked in and I feel a little “different”.
For one, I can’t cry. This is odd to me because I used to cry all the time, now I can’t cry even when things that used to make me cry are brought up. I just feel so mellow. I don’t ramble on as much, I don’t get upset as easily. I feel… calm?
It’s a little strange to get used to. I wish I could explain it better, but I feel so different. It’s a good thing in many ways. I was crying all the time, I was always upset and on edge. But I feel like I’ve gone to the opposite extreme now and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
I just wonder if it will balance itself out or if I will feel like this all the time now? I have a follow up appointment with my doctor on Thursday and I’ll talk with him about it then. I just hope it will balance out a bit.
I think I’m going to go put Steel Magnolias on and see if I cry. I always cry in that movie, ALWAYS. If I don’t, I’m going to be so freaked out.
Apparently I’m supposed to be ashamed that I’m taking prozac and I shouldn’t be telling anyone.
I hate the stigma attached to taking anti depressants. That is why I fought it for so long. I wanted to get better on my own because I wasn’t “crazy”. Only crazy and weak people needed pills to get better. At least that’s what I was told. That is not true. I had to get help, I was on a dark and dangerous path and I wanted to get better for my children.
My parents would freak out if they knew I was taking it. They would tell me I’m like this because I have turned my back on God and that he’s the only one who can make me better.
I realize that the medication is not the only the answer, I am taking other steps to get well, but obviously, I needed it. For the past few months I had cried nonstop, all night, while my kids were at school. I have felt overwhelmed by the most simple tasks, like housework, paying bills, etc. I haven’t been out much because of the way I feel. It’s a horrible place to be. Depression is real and it’s ugly. So why should I be ashamed because I’m trying to get better?
I am already feeling stronger. I haven’t cried in a few days and slowly I’m picking up the pieces of the mess I’ve made of things here. It’s not easy and I’m sure there are going to be many bumps in the road to getting healthy again and finding peace, but I’m trying and that’s all I can do. I am not weak because I needed help in the process.
today i spent some much needed time with my family. it’s been a long time since all four of us have gone out together for some good old fashion fun. i can’t tell you how much we all needed it.
it didn’t start off on a good note. ethan was tired from a sleep over last night and when that kid is tired there is NO reasoning with him. he was crying because he wanted to go to chuck e cheeses and we wanted to surprise them and take them to a mini amusement park. he cried for what seemed like hours, until we finally convinced him that he was going to have fun.
once there we had an amazing time. i have to let you all know, i have the funniest, most entertaining kids that ever lived. argue if you want, but i’m telling you, my kids are hilarious. here is a bit of advice andrew gave ethan about how to fight the funny feeling you get when you’re going down the hill on a roller coaster. “ethan, just make that face like when you’re taking a crap and grunt really loud, like when you’re crapping.” i’m so proud. so wise.
when we were finished on one ride, they didn’t unlock the bars fast enough and andrew freaked out and screamed “OH MY GOD, WE’RE STUCK!” meanwhile, ethan was busy checkin out the ladies. there were some little girls there in cheer leading outfits and he said “”you can see their underwear when they bend over, ya know?” thank you for sharing ethan, i’m sure your dad is so proud.
that time with my husband and kids is just what i needed. i was reminded of what is important in my life. i am loved. i have love all around me. i just have to be more aware of it and appreciate what i have, not dwell on what i can’t have. just to let go and enjoy what’s around me. i watched ethan on one of the rides, he threw his hands up in the air and looked up towards the sky. i snapped a picture and looking at it i think to myself that is how i want to feel. i just want to enjoy every minute of my life i know i will struggle, but i’m going to fight it with all i have. my family is worth the fight. hell, i’m worth it. i deserve to be happy. don’t we all?
i’m having one of those days. one of those days i dread. i see everything in a negative light. i intentionally push the ones i love away from me, i don’t deserve their love. i try to fight feeling this way, but it overwhelms me and i don’t know how to overcome it. i want to crawl in bed, but i keep going. i fold clothes, do dishes, listen to happy music, but inside i cry. does one ever truly recover from depression? i know i am much better than i was before, but this illness crept into my life and it took over my mind like cancer.
i remember the year i wouldn’t even go outside of my house. i was so sick, i felt like a monster that no one could love. i felt ugly and i didn’t want people to see me like that. i refused the medication because i was afraid of becoming dependant on it. then one day i just decided i didn’t want to live like that and got off my ass and started to live again. it wasn’t easy. i had to make right with alot of my friends that i had pushed away. i had to lose the weight i had gained. it was hard work, but i did it and i felt like a new person, well, i should say i felt like myself again.
but those feelings are still there, in the back of my mind and on days like this, they start to take over. it scares me to death because i don’t ever want to be that way again. but right now, at this very minute, i don’t know how to fight it. i took out pictures of my kids, i’m looking at them. i made an appointment to see my doctor today at 1:30, but i’m fighting not cancelling it. then i look at the picture of my boys and think i should do it for them, right?
will i ever just be myself again? or will i always fight these feelings of worthlessness and sadness? i don’t know.