I just got off the phone with my mom. I was going to ask her to watch my boys tonight so I can go meet a friend tonight. When she answered the phone she sounded upset. I asked her what was wrong. She said she was getting ready for a mother/daughter tea she was having at the church this morning and she picked up the card I gave her for mothers day and started reading it. She read it to me…
“Mom, I’m sorry I am such a dissappointment to you…”
She started to cry.
My mom never cries. Ever.
She said “You’re not a dissappointment to me y, you never have been, I am the one who dissappointed you.”
She went on to say how she knows she did me wrong in so many ways and that I don’t have the life I wanted because of the way she raised me. She told me she knows that her and my dad made so many mistakes. She said she wished she could do it all over, but she wanted me to know she never did it out of a bad heart, she thought she was doing the right thing. She also told me that she knows how the church can sometimes put people down and man can misinterpret the Word of God to make you feel unworthy, but she said God isn’t like that. She told me it pains her to see me locked up in this house because I believe of the lies I believe about myself. The lie that I’m ugly, that I’m not good enough, that people don’t love me. She told me they are all so untrue and she blames herself that I feel that way.
The other day I was at her house and her friends daughter came over. This girl is a young mother herself, a few years younger than me, and I hadn’t seen her in a long time. We talked for a while and we were laughing.
My mom told me that this girl went home and told her mom. “I saw y today and she made me laugh. No one ever makes me laugh and I just had the best time with her.” She told her mom she wished she could be like me and be able to laugh at things and at herself the way I can.
My mom told me it touched her so much to hear that because she believes I do have the gift of making people laugh and it hurts her so much that I can’t see that about myself. She said it hurts her that I can’t see how much people love me because I believe so many lies about how unworthy I am. And once again, she said she blames herself for all of this. If she had only told me more how beautiful I am and what a good person I am. That’s what she’s struggling with right now.
Of course, I was and still am crying because my mom has never said these kinds of things to me. She kept telling me she loves me, my mom never tells me that.
I’m a bit overwhelmed at all of this, just kind of soaking it all in. My mom and I have never been close. I have always felt like she was resentful of me and I never could figure out why, so to hear her say these things is extremely overwwhelming.
Woah, I definitely am going to go out tonight, inspite of the fact I AM ashamed of how I look, I need to be around people and laugh and just be me for one night.
Bring on the rum and let the good times roll.
(Does anyone say that anymore? “let the good times roll?” Well I said it, and I AM somebody dammit!)

It’s a gorgeous outside right now. I went outside to talk to my man and sip on my venti, iced, soy, white mocha. I closed my eyes and felt the warm sun shine on my pale skin. I miss that so much, sitting outside, soaking up the sun, it felt so good.
I listened to my husband talk, his voice soothed me. He reassured me everything is going to be ok. He’s so happy I’m working on getting better. He worries about me, but he doesn’t run away and hide. He’s right there, next to me, telling me it will be ok. He is a good man.
I could hear my children playing in the front yard. Their laughter made me smile. I remember those days when I was a kid and everything was so simple and fun. Not a care in the world, except who’s team I would be on when we played games or if Jimmy, the neighborhood hunk, would notice me that day, maybe even smile at me. I miss that childlike innocence.
It’s amazing how sometimes happiness is literally as close as your own backyard, but you just can’t see it because you’re too afraid to open the door and experiece it. Once you do, you can’t understand why you have been denying yourself that kind of joy.
The simple things in life, I forgot how important they really are.
I’m so glad I was reminded of them today.

Do people think because one has children, she is not human?
Do people really believe mothers do not suffer depression or other mental illnesses?
Do they really think because one has children, she does not feel sadness, hopelessness, torture in her mind and in her soul?
Because one has children, does that mean she doesn’t wish to be beautiful and sexy?
I love my children with all of my heart, they are my life. They are the reason I wake up everymorning. They are the reason I am getting help. I would not fight this if I didn’t have them, I would give up.
What kind of ignorant assumption is that? “You have children, you should be happy.”
Are there really people that ignorant to reality?
I am a human being.
I am fighting depression and other things. You don’t know me, I don’t want your pity, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I wake up everyday and fight FOR MY CHILDREN.
But simply because I have children does not mean I don’t hurt and suffer from the same illnesses and emotions people without children suffer from.
Get educated on mental illness, ignorant people, please, do it for yourself so the next time you give an opinion nobody asked for, you don’t sound like such a dumbass

I am extremely scared right now, scared of myself. Scared of the fact I can’t stop crying and I just cried so hard I went numb. I can’t breathe, that’s how it feels, like I can’t breathe. I didn’t want to, but I called my husband at work because I don’t know what to do. I finally broke down and took a tranquilzer that my doctor gave me just for these kinds of moments and now I’m scared of that. I don’t like taking pills and I don’t know what this is going to do to me. I set the alarm so if I pass out I wake up in time to get Ethan from the bus stop. My chest hurts, my head hurts and I’m trying to keep myself from ripping out my hair. Aren’t you glad you know me? What 3 days ago I was bragging about how good I felt and how I thought I was “on my way.” Now look at me, I can’t even function. This is so unfair and frustrating.

I love my husband, I love Andrew, I love Ethan, I love my dogs, my rabbits and my fish.
I love my friends too.
And Starbucks.
But I love my friends and family and pets more then I love Starbucks, just so we’re clear.
I love fish tacos too.
But not as much as I love Starbucks.
But fish tacos are good, you should try them sometime.

Words can not describe what is happening inside of my heart and my mind at this very moment.
I opened every window in my house to let the sun shine in and feel the breeze. I want to see the sun, I want to feel the breeze, I want to live again. My house is clean for the first time in months, I am already starting to cook dinner for tonight. I don’t have any desire to go back to bed, or to cry. I want to call all of my friends and tell them I love them. I want to go outside and play with my dogs. I want to wash my windows, I want to clean my car, I want to organize my closets. I don’t want to live in a dark, messy house anymore. I want my house to be a home again.
It could just be added shot of caffeine I got this morning, but something tells me things are getting better and I couldn’t be happier.

Sometimes I can’t control this urge to hurt myself. It’s like all the rage inside has to come out somehow. Today my husand caught me digging my fingernails into my legs, I have marks all over my leg. He gets very upset, not angry, but he doesn’t know what to do. He told me to try to control myself, but I told him he doesn’t understand. I don’t want to be this way, but I can’t fight it when I feel that way.
Tomorrow I start 3 weeks of some sort of outpatient therapy. It seems pretty intense, I have to go for 3 hours, 3 days a week. I can’t imagine what the hell we’re going to be doing for 3 hours each of those days, but I’m willing to try anything at this point. Perhaps being around others who feel the way I do will be helpful.
My psychiatrist feels this is something I really need at this time. He says I “obviously have self esteem issues if I’m beating myself in the head” No? Really? You think? Sigh…
I know I’m not the only one who fights these demons, so a small part of me is looking forward to being around others who can relate, another part of me is scared, but I try not to let fear stop me from doing things. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I tell myself it’s ok to be nervous and scared, but it’s something I have to do. I want to figure this all out and move on, you know? And if this is what I have to do, I’ll do it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone right now and I played her the recording of my dogs. She laughed and then said “no wonder you’re mental, that would make anyone crazy.”
I laughed at first, but as I sit here and think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach.
“no wonder you’re mental“…
Words can not describe what I am feeling at this very moment. She didn’t mean it as a put down, she was joking, but it’s the truth.
I never in my life thought I would end up “this way.” I never thought people would think of me as crazy or a “god damn psycho.” I always thought of myself as an outgoing person that people liked, because I have the ability to make people laugh, but now I feel as though I’m “ruined.”
All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted, isn’t that what we all want? I never wanted to be this overweight, crazy lady who cries and sleeps all day and doesn’t want to go anywhere because I feel like some kind of monster. I never wanted to avoid my friends and family, not answering my phone or going places because I am ashamed at who I have become.
This is not the kind of person I wanted to be.
I am getting better, I am getting help and doing what I need to do to snap out of this. This isn’t me whining or wanting sympathy, it’s just those words my mom said sinking in and me realizing the magnitude of what has happened to me over the last few months.
Unbelievable.
Don’t ever judge people who are going through this kind of shit, and most certainly don’t ever say it could never happen to you, because you never know when life is going to take it’s toll on your heart, and when you’re heart isn’t right, neither is your mind, I’m living proof of that.