Category Archives: Depression

Today…

I bought my mom flowers.
I called my sister and told her I loved her.
I visited with my brother and we laughed.
I sent a card to a friend and told her I missed her dearly.
I went outside and watched my kids ride bikes.
I cooked my husband a dinner he loved.
I enjoyed every minute of my life.
It might sound simple to you, it might sound boring to you, but to me, it was amazing. I was living my life the way it was meant to be lived. Enjoying the little things and letting the people I love know how much they mean to me.
Not once did I think I’m too fat, I’m not smart enough, I’m too ugly, I’m broke, I have too many bills… I just lived and enjoyed.
I will not forget tomorrow how good today felt.
Hopefully it will be even better.

Don’t cry, momma.

I just got off the phone with my mom. I was going to ask her to watch my boys tonight so I can go meet Chey tonight. When she answered the phone she sounded upset. I asked her what was wrong. She said she was getting ready for a mother/daughter tea she was having at the church this morning and she picked up the card I gave her for mothers day and started reading it. She read it to me…
“Mom, I’m sorry I am such a dissappointment to you…”
She started to cry.
My mom never cries. Ever.
She said “You’re not a dissappointment to me y, you never have been, I am the one who dissappointed you.”
She went on to say how she knows she did me wrong in so many ways and that I don’t have the life I wanted because of the way she raised me. She told me she knows that her and my dad made so many mistakes. She said she wished she could do it all over, but she wanted me to know she never did it out of a bad heart, she thought she was doing the right thing. She also told me that she knows how the church can sometimes put people down and man can misinterpret the Word of God to make you feel unworthy, but she said God isn’t like that. She told me it pains her to see me locked up in this house because I believe of the lies I believe about myself. The lie that I’m ugly, that I’m not good enough, that people don’t love me. She told me they are all so untrue and she blames herself that I feel that way.
The other day I was at her house and her friends daughter came over. This girl is a young mother herself, a few years younger than me, and I hadn’t seen her in a long time. We talked for a while and we were laughing.
My mom told me that this girl went home and told her mom. “I saw y today and she made me laugh. No one ever makes me laugh and I just had the best time with her.” She told her mom she wished she could be like me and be able to laugh at things and at herself the way I can.
My mom told me it touched her so much to hear that because she believes I do have the gift of making people laugh and it hurts her so much that I can’t see that about myself. She said it hurts her that I can’t see how much people love me because I believe so many lies about how unworthy I am. And once again, she said she blames herself for all of this. If she had only told me more how beautiful I am and what a good person I am. That’s what she’s struggling with right now.
Of course, I was and still am crying because my mom has never said these kinds of things to me. She kept telling me she loves me, my mom never tells me that.
I’m a bit overwhelmed at all of this, just kind of soaking it all in. My mom and I have never been close. I have always felt like she was resentful of me and I never could figure out why, so to hear her say these things is extremely overwwhelming.
Woah, I definitely am going to go out tonight, inspite of the fact I AM ashamed of how I look, I need to be around people and laugh and just be me for one night.
Bring on the rum and let the good times roll.
(Does anyone say that anymore? “let the good times roll?” Well I said it, and I AM somebody dammit!)

Satan (a.k.a “my master”), I need some back up on this one.

My dad wants me to go to his church tonight to hear his guest speaker. This speaker was there last night as well and guess what his sermon was about?
Depression.
This preacher said this to the congregation last night (and my dad was smiling when he told me…) He said “If you’re away from God and you’re suffering from depression, you deserve to be suffering!!! I’m glad you’re suffering, because that means you’re not comfortable being away from God. YOU DESERVE IT BECAUSE YOU’RE AWAY FROM GOD.
I am still shaking I’m so mad. I asked my dad how he felt about that. His response was “well, I understand it because it means that you’re not ok with being away from God. If you were ok, you wouldn’t care.” or something like that. So I asked him “what about christians who suffer from depression?” He got quiet… I said “You don’t think christians suffer from depression? You really think that only sinners get depression??” He didn’t know what to say because he knew I was angry. I just can’t believe the stuff that people say in Gods name. I think my dad got pleasure out of telling me that. Not because he wants me to suffer, I know he loves me, but because he thinks I’m going to “see the light” and come running back to church, but that kind of talk makes me want to run away even further.
I deserve this.
That’s what a “man of God” said from the pulpit.
I think if I had been there, I would have stood up and shouted at him how ignorant and fucked up he is. I mean, there were people sitting right in front of him suffering from depression, I’m sure, and then he shouts at them that they deserve it for going away from God. Am I stupid? Does that even make sense? What does that say about His God then? I don’t get it, and I am still shocked my dad thought I needed to hear that.
That man can take his bible and shove it.
Amen.

Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy

It’s a gorgeous outside right now. I went outside to talk to my man and sip on my venti, iced, soy, white mocha. I closed my eyes and felt the warm sun shine on my pale skin. I miss that so much, sitting outside, soaking up the sun, it felt so good.
I listened to my husband talk, his voice soothed me. He reassured me everything is going to be ok. He’s so happy I’m working on getting better. He worries about me, but he doesn’t run away and hide. He’s right there, next to me, telling me it will be ok. He is a good man.
I could hear my children playing in the front yard. Their laughter made me smile. I remember those days when I was a kid and everything was so simple and fun. Not a care in the world, except who’s team I would be on when we played games or if Jimmy, the neighborhood hunk, would notice me that day, maybe even smile at me. I miss that childlike innocence.
It’s amazing how sometimes happiness is literally as close as your own backyard, but you just can’t see it because you’re too afraid to open the door and experiece it. Once you do, you can’t understand why you have been denying yourself that kind of joy.
The simple things in life, I forgot how important they really are.
I’m so glad I was reminded of them today.

Drama mamma.

Do people think because one has children, she is not human?
Do people really believe mothers do not suffer depression or other mental illnesses?
Do they really think because one has children, she does not feel sadness, hopelessness, torture in her mind and in her soul?
Because one has children, does that mean she doesn’t wish to be beautiful and sexy?
I love my children with all of my heart, they are my life. They are the reason I wake up everymorning. They are the reason I am getting help. I would not fight this if I didn’t have them, I would give up.
What kind of ignorant assumption is that? “You have children, you should be happy.”
Are there really people that ignorant to reality?
I am a human being.
I am fighting depression and other things. You don’t know me, I don’t want your pity, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I wake up everyday and fight FOR MY CHILDREN.
But simply because I have children does not mean I don’t hurt and suffer from the same illnesses and emotions people without children suffer from.
Get educated on mental illness, ignorant people, please, do it for yourself so the next time you give an opinion nobody asked for, you don’t sound like such a dumbass

My mind is playing tricks on me

I am extremely scared right now, scared of myself. Scared of the fact I can’t stop crying and I just cried so hard I went numb. I can’t breathe, that’s how it feels, like I can’t breathe. I didn’t want to, but I called my husband at work because I don’t know what to do. I finally broke down and took a tranquilzer that my doctor gave me just for these kinds of moments and now I’m scared of that. I don’t like taking pills and I don’t know what this is going to do to me. I set the alarm so if I pass out I wake up in time to get Ethan from the bus stop. My chest hurts, my head hurts and I’m trying to keep myself from ripping out my hair. Aren’t you glad you know me? What 3 days ago I was bragging about how good I felt and how I thought I was “on my way.” Now look at me, I can’t even function. This is so unfair and frustrating.

Because I’m trying to be more positive and my “I hate people” song was a little frightening.

I love my husband, I love Andrew, I love Ethan, I love my dogs, my rabbits and my fish.
I love my friends too.
And Starbucks.
But I love my friends and family and pets more then I love Starbucks, just so we’re clear.
I love fish tacos too.
But not as much as I love Starbucks.
But fish tacos are good, you should try them sometime.

Now if I could only balance my checkbook.

Words can not describe what is happening inside of my heart and my mind at this very moment.
I opened every window in my house to let the sun shine in and feel the breeze. I want to see the sun, I want to feel the breeze, I want to live again. My house is clean for the first time in months, I am already starting to cook dinner for tonight. I don’t have any desire to go back to bed, or to cry. I want to call all of my friends and tell them I love them. I want to go outside and play with my dogs. I want to wash my windows, I want to clean my car, I want to organize my closets. I don’t want to live in a dark, messy house anymore. I want my house to be a home again.
It could just be added shot of caffeine I got this morning, but something tells me things are getting better and I couldn’t be happier.

My name is y, and I suffer from depression…

I started my “regroup” therapy today.
Hmmm, I don’t even know where to start, I need to process it all.
I’ll start by saying there are some preeeeeeeeetty interesting people in there. I admit, it is a comforting feeling to know you’re not alone. However, I did find myself wondering “how the hell did I end up here with these people?”
I will be off of work for the next 3 weeks, and that is a good thing. I need some time away from that place and some of those people.
The best part of the experience was when a man I met there, I believe his name was Allen, showed me the dance he used to do “back in the day” and told me the story of how he used to do that dance all the time before he became severely depressed and he hopes one day he’ll be able to do it again “and mean it.” It was touching, and very cute, made me smile.
My gut feeling is that this is going to be a good thing for me, I just have to get past the fact that I feel I don’t belong there and make it work for me, you know?

Whatever it takes.

Sometimes I can’t control this urge to hurt myself. It’s like all the rage inside has to come out somehow. Today my husand caught me digging my fingernails into my legs, I have marks all over my leg. He gets very upset, not angry, but he doesn’t know what to do. He told me to try to control myself, but I told him he doesn’t understand. I don’t want to be this way, but I can’t fight it when I feel that way.
Tomorrow I start 3 weeks of some sort of outpatient therapy. It seems pretty intense, I have to go for 3 hours, 3 days a week. I can’t imagine what the hell we’re going to be doing for 3 hours each of those days, but I’m willing to try anything at this point. Perhaps being around others who feel the way I do will be helpful.
My psychiatrist feels this is something I really need at this time. He says I “obviously have self esteem issues if I’m beating myself in the head” No? Really? You think? Sigh…
I know I’m not the only one who fights these demons, so a small part of me is looking forward to being around others who can relate, another part of me is scared, but I try not to let fear stop me from doing things. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I tell myself it’s ok to be nervous and scared, but it’s something I have to do. I want to figure this all out and move on, you know? And if this is what I have to do, I’ll do it.