My Endocrinologist is totally pissed at The Internet.
You see, I’ve been emailing him asking for tests that my incredibly awesome readers have suggested that I should have done. Here is his response to my suggestion he test me for “adrenal Fatigue.”
There really is not true medical condition called adrenal fatigue, although this is a term that one can find on the internet. The true condition is called adrenal insufficiency.
And by “one” he meant “Me.” and by that entire sentence he meant “stop googling shit and bugging me with your questions, woman.”
Six months ago that kind of “tone” from my doctor would have intimated me. In fact, I used to be terrified to open emails from my doctor. “What if he’s pissed at me for asking him that question?” Fuck that noise.
If I hadn’t questioned my doctor, I would still be undiagnosed because when I told him I wanted my thyroid tested, he told me I just “needed to eat less and work out more and oh! By the way, maybe I should consider joining weight watchers!”
The good news is that in spite of his annoyance with me (and my ability to get advice from the Internet) he has ordered whichever test it is that I need for adrenal insufficiency and has also ordered B12 shots. I’m waiting to hear back from him regarding testing for PCOS.
THANK YOU for helping me through this difficult and frustrating ordeal. You have no idea how much I appreciate you.
In completely non thyroid related news, I am going to post another video. (I know and I’m sorry.) If you’ve ever said to yourself. “I wonder what the Y Family does for fun in the evenings?!” (which, let’s be honest, you’ve NEVER ONCE wondered that.)
Wonder no more!
(Things you must know before you watch: a) It’s poor quality because I am a jackass who can’t keep the recorder still b) I CAN’T SING, no hate mail necessary, I already know. c) No, I still haven’t hung pretty things on the walls. We’ve “only” been here 7 months, cut me some slack. d) my kids are awesome.)
After my endo increased my meds this last time, I started to feel better. I had energy and even went a little crazy and cleaned my house! Then, I crashed. Started feeling tired again, mentally slow and all that jazz. So, last week I sent my endo an email saying something like “I can’t wait another month to get re-tested. I am feeling extremely tired again and I’ve not had a period in almost 2 months. Can you please re-test me NOW?”
He immediately changed the dates for the tests and I went yesterday to have them done. I was SURE that my levels were going to be out of whack based on the way that I feel and I was sure he’d have to increase my medication.
I was wrong.
TSH? Lowest it’s been in.. well, ever. (1.34)
Free T4? Completely normal (.91)
Every single number has drastically improved from when I was first diagnosed so why in the hell am I still feeling so tired? Why am I not having periods?
I’m beginning to think it’s all in my head.
The numbers don’t lie, do they? Or do they?
I don’t know, honestly and I feel like I’m going crazy. The Bad Crazy.
I’ve made an appointment with a gynecologist to try to figure out what’s going on all up in my uterus (I assumed it was “low thyroid” because when I was low, I was skipping periods, but since that’s not it, WHAT IS IT? And NO, I am not pregnant.) I also made an appointment to ask to be tested to find out if I am “insulin resistant.”
I have been researching like crazy, but the more I read, the more confused I become. One thing is clear though– MY LEVELS ARE NORMAL NOW.
So what gives? It really must be “all in my head.” Because, I don’t know what else it could be at this point and I’m really tired of trying to figure it out.
I can’t even begin to type how frustrated/depressed I feel about this whole “my health” thing, but let me assure you if I did type it out it would be ALL CAPS AND FUCKS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know where to go from here and that’s why I’m writing here on my blog– because I know that so many of you who read here have gone through this (and are going through it now) and am hoping you can offer me some kind of advice. Have you had “normal levels” and still felt hypo symptoms? If so, what did you do about it? I’m feeling pretty damn desperate right about now.
I love you more than the typed word could ever express. And because I love you, I think you need to know that my thyroid is NOT deleting my posts, nor did my thyroid EAT ME. (ha ha hahaa)
What happened was….
I had planned on writing a post about Thyroids, but only got as far as the title. Apparently, I accidentally hit publish just before I shut down the computer to leave with The Daughter for our Monday of Fun-day. So, imagine my surprise when I got home and saw over 30 comments on a post that I NEVER ACTUALLY WROTE. And my God, they were hilarious and pretty much made my day.
Now that I know you care about Thyroids I will post what I had originally planned on posting sometime tomorrow. I just felt like I owed you an explanation and also a THANK YOU for making me feel like less of a jackass for publishing a TITLE.
OH, the Thyroid Humor. It kills me.
July 2006 (after having lost 70-ish pounds following the birth of my 3rd child) April 2008 (4 months after finally being diagnosed with Hashimotos, even though I told my doctor and anyone who would listen to me that there was something wrong with my thyroid a year and a half ago.)
I can’t even begin to express how frightening that number is to me, nor can I express how depressed I am after doing a little research on “how to lose weight with Hashimoto’s.”
If the whole low thyroid thing doesn’t kill me, this weight most certainly will. Knowing how hard it’s going to be to lose it, knowing that I have to be careful not to “stress” my body during workouts, knowing that I can continue to gain weight on as little as 800 calories a day is almost too depressing to wrap my brain around. Losing weight is no longer about how my butt looks in those jeans, or about feeling ashamed to see people I know because I have 3 chins. It’s about not developing heart disease (already have some “irregularities”). It’s about not getting diabetes. It’s about not dying. Overly dramatic? Probably, but it feels THAT SERIOUS. I can’t imagine that carrying around an extra 100 pounds isn’t taking a drastic toll on my body.
I’m genuinely scared for my health. I’m frustrated at how quickly the weight is piling on.
Quite a few people told me that I once I started taking my medication, the weight would come off. That gave me hope, because I had been unable to lose weight for months. Fast forward to 4 months after taking my first dose of levothr*id… I am now 13 pounds heavier.
I’m tempted to throw my obese arms up in the air and say TO HELL WITH IT! IT’S NO USE! WHY EVEN TRY! But, I don’t want to give up on myself. However, at the moment I feel overwhelmed by the severity of the situation.
My lack of updating has nothing to do with the whole “fraud” thing and everything to do with this whole “thyroid” thing.
Things took a turn for the worse since returning from NYC and I practically got on my knees and begged the endocrinologist to increase my medication, but he refused because my levels were “completely in the normal range” except, he retested me and ” haha WHOOPS! You were right! You DO need more medication!” I knew it because for the past week I’ve barely been able to function. Tony’s sick of hearing it. My kids are sick of hearing it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my entire life is sick of hearing it, but you know what? I’m fucking sick of living it, so we’re even.
I don’t really mean that. I am very concerned about how this is affecting my relationship with my husband. He told me last night he “doesn’t know what to do for me anymore.” I’m not asking him to do anything but be patient with me (as things aren’t getting done around the house the way they should be.) but I can understand why he said that. I’m no party to live with right now. (I know that’s hard to believe based on these exciting! and beautifully written posts.)
So, anyway, that’s where I’m at right now and pretty much where I’ve been for what, the last year?
Yesterday, a a friend asked me how I was doing.
My response? I’m doing good today. I’ve just been keeping myself busy, going outside to enjoy the sunshine and soaking up the love of my family.
It’s amazing to me how dramatically my spirits lift when I step outside and feel the warmth of the sunshine on my skin.
For too long, I’ve been dwelling on the fact that my body is at war with itself. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I no longer recognize my body in the mirror. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I’m going to have to take medication for the rest of my life. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I wasn’t taken seriously the first time that I knew something was wrong.
Oh! Poor, poor puffy me.
I have made a decision to stop dwelling on the negative, as real as it is, and to start focusing on that which is good and that which is wonderful. I am blessed to have health insurance that allows me to seek treatment for that which is wrong with me. I am blessed to have an imperfect, but wonderful family who continue to love me and support me even though I’ve not been the most pleasant of people to be around.
I am choosing to seek out that which is beautiful in the world around me. I pay close attention to the little things. The pretty flowers that are blooming around me. The sound of my boys jamming to “Under the Bridge” in the garage. The soft touch of my daughter’s hand on my arm as I read her a bedtime story. The unexpected hug from my husband as we pass each other in the hallway.
It is these ordinary, every day moments of my life that give me the strength that I need to keep me from crawling back into bed and dwelling. I grab onto each little moment with both hands and hold it close to my heart.
While this shift in thinking hasn’t magically turned my life into one big Chocolate Covered Strawberry, it most definitely has helped me pick myself up off of the tear soaked floor and try to enjoy life again. And for that, I’m grateful because, ALL things considered, I have a pretty sweet life.
In closing, I would like to leave you with some pictures of the absolute funniest thing in my life at the moment. My daughter attempting to “cross her eyes” and yes, I ask her to do it at least 10 times a day.
I realize you won’t find it as funny as I do, but even still.. enjoy.
About three weeks ago, I sent a message to my doctors office asking for a referral to see an endocrinologist. I didn’t hear anything back from him and I was frustrated beyond belief. I was feeling depressed about the entire situation. I’m just tired of being blown off by people.(Not to mention tired of BEING TIRED.) Just minutes after hitting publish on that post on Friday, my son brought the mail in and lo! There was a letter from my doctor. I dried my tears and was filled with hope– Surely it was the referral I had been patiently waiting for!
It’s a beautiful day today.
The sun is shining brightly. It’s warm with just a hint of cool air.
I decided to take Gabby out for a little trip to Target since the puking has seemed to stop. I put on my gray track suit, in spite of the warm weather, because again, that’s the only thing that fits me.
As I pulled my hair back, I could see patches of my scalp due to the thinning hair.
As I put my makeup on, I could see the acne that has invaded my jawline and chin. I could see the one damn droopy eye. The dry, flaky skin. The puffy, dark circles under my eyes.
In all honesty, I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. This “condition” has wreaked havoc on my body.
In the past week, I’ve had more than one person not recognize my voice when I’ve answered the phone. Because it’s not enough that I’m fat, puffy, dry, bald, zitfaced and DROOPY EYED, I have to have Man Voice. (due to the “enlarged thyroid.)
I HAVE MAN VOICE, PEOPLE.
As I walked through Target, I noticed how great all of the other moms looked. A saw one group of moms in particular who had stopped to chit chat. Each one of them were dressed extremely well, with cute hair cuts and pretty fingernails. They were all smiling and laughing and talking about “That one time they were at so and so’s house and ha ha! Isn’t she hilarious after having a glass of wine?”
As I watched them laugh and connect with each other, I felt overwhelmed with a sense of sadness.
I used to be like those women. I used to wear cute little outfits. I used to have friends that I would go out and do things with. I used to love being out in the world interacting with people.
These days, I feel like an outsider, watching everyone else live their lives. I’ve made the CHOICE to be an outsider. Because I have nothing to offer right now– I’m emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt.
I feel so alone. I feel so sad. So Ugly. So Tired.
So puffy. My GOD, I am puffy.
As I was making breakfast the other morning, I turned to my husband and said (in my Man Voice) “You know, this thyroid thing has changed me. I don’t feel like the same person. I don’t look like the same person. And I hate it.”
I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with the new state of my health. I know it’s not the end of the world (At least you don’t have cancer, bitch!) I know there are worse things, I do. But– I don’t know how to except that THIS IS MY LIFE now.
I know it will get better, but will I ever be the same? Will I ever want to stop hiding from the world and make friends again. Will I ever stopped being ashamed of myself? Will I ever feel inspired again? Will I ever have the energy to go to Aerobic Dance Class again? Will I ever stop waking up in the middle of the night thinking that “OMG! I’M DYING! MY HEART IS NOT BEATING!”
I sent a message to my doctor 2 weeks ago to ask him to PLEASE IN THE NAME OF JESUS refer me to a endocrinologist, but I have yet to hear back from him. I don’t know how much more I can take of feeling this way.
I keep telling myself to SNAP OUT OF THIS. I keep going to bed with every intention of working out first thing in the morning! But then the morning comes and The Tired overwhelms me. And then I feel horrible about myself for not being stronger than The Tired! For giving into my laziness. For being such a wimp about all of this.
I’m really sorry about this. I’m sorry that I’m still talking about it. I’m sorry that I haven’t figured out an effective way to deal with this. I’m sorry that my husband and my children have to put up with me every day of their life. I’m sorry that I’m being such a big fucking baby about it all.
But mostly, I’m sorry that there’s a big, beautiful world out there and I’m sitting here in my fucking tracksuit crying again.
(I really meant it when I said comments closed, but because my brain doesn’t work right these days, I forgot to close them. Whoops.)
This past week has been rough.
I’ve written several posts only to delete them immediately because honestly? I don’t know how many more times I can write about my deteriorating health before people stop reading this blog.
But, this is supposed to be about my life, right? And right now, my life is consumed with health problems, right? So, what’s a bloggah to do?
My frustration with my health and my inability to talk about anything other than it is at an all time high. Just when I think I’ve taken charge of things (diet coke, be gone!) and that I can resume to live my life as normal,I find myself in urgent care, having an EKG and being told that I there are “irregularities” with my heart that are fairly common, but “problematic” because of my low thyroid. Suddenly, I realize that ultimately, I have limited control over my body and sometimes, doing everything that I can still isn’t enough.
But not nearly depressing as I’m sure it is for you to read this crap all of the time. I want you to just go ahead and try to imagine how much fun it is to be my husband. You can’t even imagine, can you?
I do have a bit of non-health related news to share with you before I put you all out of your misery. In addition to giving up diet coke and every day trips to Starbucks, I am thinking it’s time to give up The Cussing. You see, I thought I was doing a really good job at NOT cussing in front of my children. I have a pretty foul mouth, especially when I’m driving, but I tried to tone it down when my two year old daughter started shouting “GO FASTER, DUMBASS” at passing cars. I stopped saying dumbass and replaced it with “you jerk!” However, it was brought to my attention that I’ve not cleaned up the language as much as I thought when I heard the following words come out of my daughter’s mouth a couple of nights ago.
“I’m going to kick you in the ASShole, Brother.”
I immediately knew that she had learned it from me because she put an extra emphasis on “ASS”, just the way that I do.
You don’t need to tell me how awful it is that my THREE YEAR OLD says Asshole, I already know. I actually felt really dirty when I heard her say it. I honestly thought I wasn’t saying it when she could hear me, but, you know, I was wrong. I’ve vowed to clean up my mouth and stop saying asshole.
Let’s just hope that no one cuts me off in traffic and then turn around and give ME The Finger, because if that happens (again!) I’m pretty sure that a big old ASSHOLE will slip right out of my mouth. Man, I have a feeling giving up that word is going to be harder than giving up a lifelong addiction to The Diet Coke