Last night was The Return to Aerobic Dance Class.
I was told that the class started at 6:00, so in order to make sure to get my spot (yes, I have a spot), I arrived a half hour early. My cousin arrived at the same time. She also takes her Aerobic Dance very seriously.
Once we got inside, we took a look at the schedule and realized that the class was at 7:00! Not 6:00! My cousin was all “Well, we could workout while we’re waiting, lift some weights and stuff.”
I offered a completely different suggestion.
“True, true, we could do that, and we probably SHOULD do that, but, and hear me out on this, we could go get a smoothie!”
At first she looked at me like I was crazy. But then she was all “Sure, why not!”
Well, a “Smoothie” turned into a “Chicken sandwich from ChickFilA.” Because of course it did!
(I hadn’t eaten dinner was my excuse.)
When we got back, Anna was waiting by the door. I wanted to run up to her and throw myself upon her to thank her for returning from Russia because OH.MY.GOD, how I’ve missed her and her sweet
buttocks moves. Instead, I just told her how happy I was to see her and how much I missed her over the summer. She told me that had been back for a month and that every time she’d come to class, she was hoping I’d be there because She missed me.
The step class FINALLY ended and my cousin and I practically knocked bitches down trying to be the first ones in so that we could get our places at the front of the room. We were greeted (but actually more like “attacked!”) by the Bitchy Women of Step Class. They were all “So, um, like we were thinking that we could do the sculpting class before the dance class because we want to do sculpting now and if you have dance first, then we’ll have to wait until AFTER the dance class to do sculpting. We don’t want to wait and we don’t want to take the dance class, so it just makes sense for us to move your class time.
Inside I was all like “OH HELL NAW.” Those women just pissed me off and I was ready to fight with them when suddenly one of the girls from step class lost her shit.
“I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.” She shouted from the back of the room. “You can’t be changing the schedule because it’s convenient for you.”
The Bitchy Women of Step Class were NOT expecting that response. No one knew what to say. But then someone from step class “stepped up” to the plate (ha ha ha) and It. Was. On.
Representative of the Step Class Bitches: “Well, hey we don’t want to wait and it just makes sense. Don’t be getting an attitude with me, lady.”
Crazy Aerobic Dancer: “You’re not in charge here! You guys don’t have the power to change the schedule whenever it suits you. Screw that!”
Representative of the Step Class Bitches: “We didn’t think it’d be a big deal, calm down!”
Crazy Aerobic Dancer: “Why don’t you get a job?”
Representative of the Step Class Bitches: “Excuse me? GET A JOB?”
Crazy Aerobic Dancer: “Yeah, you heard me right. GET A JOB IF YOU WANT TO BE THE BOSS, BECAUSE YOU SURE AS HELL AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME.”\
Representative of the Step Class Bitches didn’t have a comeback, so she was all “Um… yeah, well… um, I bet YOU make a sucky boss!!”
At which point I lost it and started laughing hysterically because HAHHAHAHAHA WIMMINS BE FIGHTING ON THE AEROBIC DANCE FLOOR HAHAHHAHAHA.
Part of me wanted to interrupt and be like “Hey, why don’t we channel all of this anger and hatred into something more positive, something like An Aerobic Dance Off! but then, part of me was hoping it would escalate and there’d be a full on brawl because HAHAHHAHAH OLD WIMMINS IN SPANDEX FIGHTING AT THE GYM!
Sadly, there was no dance off nor were any punches thrown as Representative of the Step Class Bitches had her ass handed to her in the war of words and slowly backed out of the class.
Once the screaming match was over and everyone had composed themselves, Anna announced that we would not be doing “The Dirty Dance” until another night. What? The Dirty Dance?!
Apparently, the week before, she did The Dirty Dance! And I missed it! She said that it was like “You know, how you say, Stripper moves?” She made me a promise to teach The Dirty Dance again very soon. Oh, I can not wait!
The dance class itself was great. We did The Latin and this time? I nailed it. However, at one point during the class, I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror. I could see the fat jiggling on my arms and OH MY GOD, I’ve gained so much weight! My once semi toned arms and now lumpy chunks of fat. I became disgusted with what I saw and I wanted to run out of there and hide.
But! I didn’t! I kept going! As much as I wanted to quit and give into the ugly voices in my head, I didn’t. I mambo’ed and cha cha cha’ed my way through the class and at the end, I felt so proud of myself for getting back in the game, even though I’d much rather be curled up in a ball on the couch eating chocolate covered pretzels.