When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I was over the moon with joy. We had been trying for months, and finally it happened! We were pregnant! I was on a Joy High for days. But then I started getting headaches every evening and nausea every morning. And then fatigue set in.
I learned very quickly that pregnancy can be one big emotional roller coaster. One day you’re all “I love being pregnant! I feel so wonderful! Look at my adorable baby bump!” The next you’re all “I just want this to be over with! I’m getting fat! WHERE IS MY CHEESECAKE? SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME CHEESECAKE OR I WILL CRY.” It’s not always so dramatic, but there are definitely mood swings and mixed emotions that come along with pregnancy.
Especially when that pregnancy was not planned.
You see, after I had my second child, the husband and I decided we were done having children. We loved our boys and had a good life with them. Years went by and people would ask us “When are you going to try for a girl?” (Because some people don’t have a sense of boundaries and don’t know it’s rude to ask people such questions.) “Oh, we’re done having kids,” we’d say (as if it were any of their business).
But then, one day, seven years after our youngest child was born, I peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant. To say it was shocking to the both of us is an understatement. I fell on the floor and screamed. I cried and cried and cried. I called my husband to share the news.
He almost fainted.
I didn’t know what to do. Another baby wasn’t in our plans, and it wasn’t a great time to bring another child into our lives. I honestly have never felt so torn in my life. When I called people to tell them, I was sad and in tears, not happy and joyous like I should have been. I felt like the worst person and mother on the face of the earth. What should have been a happy time in our lives was one riddled with guilt and anxiety.
The next few weeks were very emotional. I didn’t know what to say to people. People were excited for our news and I wanted to be excited, but I was terrified. I decided to be honest. I decided to tell people that while I knew I would love the baby growing inside of me, I was struggling to be at peace with things.
Through the support of friends and family, I was able to make peace with my pregnancy. The excitement of our loved ones spilled over into my heart, and on my deepest, darkest days, I felt hope that everything was going to be okay.
And when I was four months pregnant and found out the unexpected baby in my belly was going to be the daughter I never thought I would have, I knew all was right with the pregnancy and our lives. The last few months were filled with love and excitement, even when I got cankles and literally could not walk anymore because of pain in my hips.
I share this story to tell you that every pregnancy is different. You may not always feel 100% joy, and that’s okay. Just remember, if things get too overwhelming or you feel sadness you can’t shake, reach out and ask for help. Don’t ever be embarrassed or feel ashamed of your true feelings.
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