I realize that posting this outs me for the pathetic loser that I am (meaning I had NO WHERE TO GO on newyears eve because ha! This is the fourth year in a row we’ve not been invited anywhere for New Years Eve! )
Anyway.
Oh MY GOD.
Mariah Carey. Obviously, this women has no idea that there is such a thing as TRYING TOO HARD.
MARIAH. WE GET IT. You’re sexy. (but not really, but we get that you WANT us to think that.)
YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY NOW.
Please. They scare me.
Also? Honey, the money you sepnd on personal assistants that help you do things like BRING THE CUP UP TO YOUR MOUTH because you’re too damn lazy to do it yourself? Could you please spend that money on some dancing lessons? You’re not fooling me with your oversized scarves or whatever the hell those things are you that you use to try to distract everyone from the fact that your dancing SUCKS BIG ONES.
You have big ones, don’t you Mariah?
I know, I’m just jealous because OMG!11! MARIAH IZ SO HOT AND SEXXXAY!1 AND i’M NOT AND I WISH I WUZ HERZ!
But seriously.
Put your boobs away, ok?
seriously
Monthly Archives: December 2005
MILF
Yesterday, Kathy became a mother to a baby boy, who I can only imagine is perfectly beautiful. I cry everytime I think of her holding her son, because I know how much she wanted a baby. STUPID BLOGGERS KEEP MAKING ME CRY, MAN.
Welcome to the world, little Reilly Thomas.
Busted Booty
I’m exhausted.
And what is one to do when they are mentally exhausted?
Bust out the Coconut Parrot Bay, that’s what.
The boys begged me to let them spend the night at a neighbors house tonight. I didn’t want to let them at first, but I am so damn exhausted, I said “YES!”
At first, Tony was pissed off that I said yes, then, IT CLICKED.
“No boys.” “Rum.” “She’s not wearing a bra.” “I’m horny.” “Penis.” “Vagina.”
Next thing you know, he was all “Have fun boys!” and “Can I get that rum and coke started for ya, baby?”
See, we both get a little too excited when we get a night without the boys because having sex with growing boys in the house is dangerous business. Especially now that one of them has taken The Puberty Classes and knows what Mommies and Daddies do. So, when they’re not here, it’s like NAKED PARTY FOR TWO IN THE BEDROOM.
When the boys were a bit younger, we used to joke about tying cow bells to Andrew’s ankles because I SWEAR TO GOD, every damn time we’d get our groove on, we’d hear him crawl out of bed and we’d have to jump into the “Fake Sleeping” position whilst pulling up our pants to avoid getting caught.
We’d be like “CAN HE SMELL THE SEX? WHAT THE HELL? COWBELLS FOR HIM!’
(this is the part where the “coconut” is kicking in, so, um, keep that in mind.)
We were always careful to shut the door and to be very quiet.
But there was this one night….
Tony wanted to Do It. And I was like “Let’s!” And so, the clothes came off, the bodies started touching and next thing you know, we were Full on Boinking. ON A WEEK NIGHT! Because we are Fuh-reekay, like that.
Anyway.
I don’t want to get too graphic here because there are certain people named MELLY who get all grossed out when I even MENTION having The Sex with PigHunter, but, um, he was “on top” Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It and all of a sudden, he STOPPED.
Then he looked at me. Then, he looked to see where my hands were.
To his HORROR they were NOT touching his ass.
Next thing I know is I hear my son’s very sweet voice uttering the following words.
“hehehe, I’m touching your booty butt, daddy.”
He rolled off of me, I pulled the covers over my Lovely Lady Lumps and um, he pulled the covers over his “booty butt” and we both just layed there wondering what to say to this sweet, innocent little 4 year old who had just squeezed his fathers NAKED, CAUGHT IN THE ACT OF THE BUMP AND GRIND A-S-S.
He laughed again, “hehehe…I saw your naked butt, daddy!”
“Yes, you did. Why did you get up from bed?”
“I was thirsty. heheh BOOTY BUTT.”
We realized he had NO CLUE what he had just, uh, “stumbled upon” and so we said as little as possible, perhaps something about “Wrestling” and sent him back to his bed.
He never mentioned another word about it, and NEITHER DID WE.
Moral of this story?
NEVER DO IT WITH THE DOOR UNL0CKED and if you must?? (because your husband keeps “forgetting” to buy a new door knob with a lock on it because “he can hear them when they get up, so don’t worry and GET NAKED, WOMAN.) COWBELLS, people.
Cowbells.
To answer the question….
“Why haven’t you been posting much?”
Um.
That’s why.
The thing about having THREE kids is this…
When one gets sick? They ALL get sick because no matter HOW MANY TIMES YOU TELL THEM TO STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, they end up in the same room, coughing all over each other, rubbing their infected eyes together, sneezing in each other’s faces.
Andrew? Bronchitis.
Gabby? Ear infections. Cough. Wheezing. Eye infections.
Ethan? Possible strep throat Some type of bacterial infection. The Flu. Pink eye.
$120 have been spent since friday on co-pays and prescriptions. I’m not complaining, at least we have insurance, but man, that’s a whole lot’a sickness all up in this house.
There are so many damn medications, I’ve actually screwed up and given the wrong drops in the wrong eyes. Andrew’s accidently taken Gabby’s antibiotics. IT’S KARAAZZZEEE up in this House O’Germs. Wild and Crazy, I tell you.
So, again. That’s why.
My Gift
I’ve been trying to edit my Christmas pictures all morning. (I say “trying” because, did you know my kids are off for two weeks? Which means that they have two weeks home together. Which means, TWO WEEKS TO FIGHT EVERY FREAKING MINUTE OF EVERY FREAKING DAY!?)
I didn’t take very good pictures this year, and I missed a lot of great shots, but I was too busy actually participating in the events of the day to worry to much about the photos I was taking.
Now I’m wishing I had worried about it a little bit, because man, I didn’t get any shots of all my kids together. That kills me.
The good news is that the memories are permenantly inscribed in my memory forever.
Gabby shaking her head violently whilst saying “no no no no noooooooo” if you got NEAR her toys and then, throwing herself to the ground if you DARED touch the toys. Ethan saying “These aren’t the guys I wanted, BUT, I’m not going to complain because they were bought with love.”. Andrew’s smile when he opened the xbox he wasn’t sure he’d get. My niece walking around with a Barbie guitar strapped around her neck singing “Outrageous.”
But the greatest moment happened when my boys surprised me by not running to the living room to tear open their gifts. Instead, they carefully picked out my gifts, then Tony’s and told us that they wanted us to open our presents first.
I was blown away. Surely, they couldn’t be serious!
“No, sweeties, you guys go first, you’ve been waiting for this for a long time, we can wait, you go ahead!”
“No, mom, we really want you and dad to go first, you deserve to go first.” And they sat their patiently, completely excited to watch our faces as we opened the gifts they had thoughtfully picked out for us.
Oh, the pride and love that bursts from my heart for those boys. They truly are incredible.
Later on that day, my husband pulled me aside. “My boys, they are good boys, and they’re that way because of you, their mommy. You’re the one who’s taught them to be so kind, so patient and so loving and I really need to show more respect and affection to you, the mother of my children.”
Oh, how I cried. It was the sweetest, most meaningful thing my husband had ever said to me. Because those children? They are everything to me and for my husband to acknowledge that the love and care I’ve given to them all of these years has played a role in the beautiful creatures they’re shaping up to be, well, it touched me.
I don’t write about how unappreciated I feel most days, because, my husband, he is a good man. Not the most romantic man, not the most expressive man, but he IS a good man. However, his inability to express his feelings often leaves me feeling hurt, unloved and unappreciated. So, when he said those words to me and I knew he meant them, I couldn’t hold back the tears because I’ve needed to hear those words for a very long time. Those words? They were the Perfect Gift.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to fart.
(Sorry, it was all That Cheese. Too much Cheese gives me gas.)
No Christmas Cheese for YOU
Christmas presents? Not wrapped!
Shopping? Not done!
Cookies? Unbaked!
House? A mess!
Showered? Dressed? Rested and looking pretty? Ha! HA! HAAA!
But you? I bet you’re all relaxing, listening to Christmas music, snacking on the delicious cookies you baked sometime earlier this week, whilst adoring your beautifully wrapped presents in your spotless house that smells like pine and peppermint, LAUGHING AT ME.
Hey, at least you’re laughing.
I really wanted to write a Beautiful Christmas Post about all of the love, joy and laughter in my life right now, but, because I suck at this “Holiday” thing, and because I’m late for Grandma’s house (Grandmpa is going to be PISSED) you get THIS instead.
Merry Christmas, y’all.
The Photoshoot That Almost Broke up a Marriage.
Taking your own christmas pictures of your own children is GREAT FUN!
Proof:
(Ok, this one is hilarious to me, NOT because my daughter is all “Eff this, I’m OUTTA HERE!” But because of my boys. You see the smiles on their faces? I had “instructed” them in a very loud voice that they were to LOOK AT ME WITH SMILES NO MATTER WHAT GABBY WAS DOING. And, as you can see, they totally obeyed me. HA.)
(Look! The boys are still smiling!)
(Gabby’s trying to rip his head off and look! STILL SMILING! HA HA)
And SUCK IT, WE’RE DONE!
Obviously, I’ve not done a good job of teaching my daughter that GOOD GIRLS JUST SIT THERE AND LOOK PRETTY. (Dear Feminists, I’m just kidding. Love, Me.)
Do I need to tell you how hurt I am? This year, it’s SUCKY CHRISTMAS CARD PICTURES FOR EVERYONE!
Subliminal messages, part 2.
So, it looks like Dooce Kicked my ass. Was there any doubt she would? Of course there wasn’t!
The internet will not let Dooce lose!
I’m tempted to start “Help me beat Dooce at the last minute” campaign, but I’m thinking that’ll come off as a little “desperate”. But, man, that would be funny. (Was that a hint? Or was that a hint? )
But I have to thank y’all for not letting me finish last! (But seriously, “blog awards” are silly and but, um, “beating Dooce”? Not so silly. I CAN NOT HELP IT THAT I AM COMPETETIVE. I WAS BORN THIS WAY.)
Ho Ho Ho-ly crap, already?
Christmas is next Saturday, right?
You’d think I’d have one gift by now, wouldn’t you? But I don’t. Not a one. It just doesn’t “feel” like Christmas.
But, hey! At least we have a tree! It wasn’t as bad of an experience as it usually is for me either. We found The Perfect Tree in only a few minutes.
Ok, Tony found it, but according to the bible, we are one, so, “we” it is.
It is not missing a middle section, it is not lobsided, it is not dry. It is perfect. (And you will SHUTUP about my lack of window treatments! YOU WILL!)
(Perfect for us anyway, because we ALWAYS end up with fuh-gly trees.)
Last night, I gave up control and let the boys do the decorating. They always help and I always try to let them do it, but it never fails, when they go to sleep? I rearrange all of the ornaments because it drives me crazy to see them not properly spaced out. Like, DO NOT PUT ALL RED ONES IN ONE SPOT, SPREAD THEM OUT OH CHILDREN OF MINE. But this year? I just let go. Perfect isn’t so important, but their happiness and sense of accomplishment is. (Ha! Let’s see how true that rings when they want to help “wrap the presents.)
I will not lie, it is bugging the living shit out of me, because, AHHHHHHH… Too many of the same ornaments in the one section of the tree! But you know what? They had so much fun doing it and they really took it seriously. Also? THEY DIDN’T FIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME, which is a miracle in itself. A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! How could I NOT love it just the way it is?
Besides, I have much more important things to worry about. Things like, you know, STARTING MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!
Wearing off…. (kind of)… (sort of)… (just a little bit)
I’ve told you before about The Charm. How my daughter uses it to get out of pretty much any trouble she gets into.
Well, “The Charm” is losing some of it’s “cred” with Momma.
I mean, she’s really cute and all, but when she slams her head repeatedly on the ground to demonstrate just how pissed off she is that you took the pencil away from her, NOT SO CUTE.
Recently, I asked her to throw something in the trash and to my surprise? She did it! So, I clapped and cheered! “Yay! Gabby threw away the trash!” And when daddy came home, I showed him what she had learned and we all clapped and cheered “Yay! Gabby threw the trash away!”
What I did not realize at the time was that she would think it was cute to THROW EVERYTHING SHE GOT HER HANDS ON AWAY because, “Hey! The People cheer when I throw things in this white box!”
I couldn’t find my keys anywhere this morning and after hours of searching, it hit me… “Look in the trash.”
The trash that was full of raw chicken skin and tomatoes chunks and dirty diapers because The Children were too cold to take out the trash last night and mama let them slide. And thank goodness for that because GUESS WHERE MY KEYS WERE?
I stuck my hands in, dry heaving the entire time and WHAT DO YA KNOW! My keys, they were there at the bottom of the trash.
I’m pretty sure she clappped and cheered when she threw them in and thought “wow, I’m so cute! And smart! I wonder how my parents can stand it!”
I can’t stand it most days, because, My God, the girl is beautiful, smart, hilarious and she farts on command.
But lately? The Charm is being overshadowed by “The Stubborn” and “The Cranky” and “The Slightly Evil.”.
Yesterday, I had to add “Sweep” to the List of Things I Can Not Do While Gabby is Awake because she MUST PLAY WITH THE PILE OF DUST. And if I tell her “no!” All hell breaks loose. And when I say “hell” I mean, Full Blown Tantrums. How DARE I not let her play in the filth.
Other “things” included on that list are
1. Load the dishwasher
2. Watch Tv
3. Eat
4. Poop (which, not really a problem considering I haven’t gone in oh, what 5 days?)
5. Talk on the phone
6. WRITE WITH A PEN, PENCIL OR MARKER
I’m forgetting one. What IS it. Oh! Yes! FOLD AND PUT AWAY CLOTHES !
I tried that the other day and five minutes after putting all of her neatly folded clothes away? That happened.
Of course, she busted out The Charm BIG TIME and flashed that big, goofy smile of hers when she realized I was SLIGHTLY PISSED. And it worked, but I’m telling you people, IT IS LOSING IT’S MAGIC BECAUSE GIRLFRIEND IS OUT OF CONTROL.
I can only imagine the teenage years.
God help us all.