Monthly Archives: May 2003

Fat sucks.

If I wasn’t fat, I’d go to the beach today and enjoy the sunshine and the cool breeze.
If I wasn’t fat, I’d go shopping and buy myself some sundresses, shorts and tank tops.
If I wasn’t fat I’d buy season passes to Raging waters.
If I wasn’t fat, I’d go to a spa and have my body rubbed down with salt scrub and get a full body massage.
If I wasn’t fat I’d call friends and go dancing tonight.
If I wasn’t fat, I’d enjoy my life so much more.
It’s my fault I’m this way, milkshakes are good but they’re the reason I am not going to enjoy my summer.
Why the hell won’t I stop putting that kind of shit into my body and eat what’s good for me so I can be comfortable and healthy again?
I weigh as much now as I did when I was 9 months pregnant. You’d think that would stop me from making milkshakes, but it doesn’t…
I’ve thought about having my jaw wired shut, but I could still drink milkshakes, so what would be the point?
Weight issues suck. I’ve always had them, but I’ve never let myself get this heavy, ever. I’d always do something drastic, like starve myself or take laxatives, as soon as I’d put on a few pounds. But I have no desire to do those kinds of things now.

If I could turn back the hands of time…

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was a little girl and all was right with the world.
I’d wake up to my mom opening my curtains singing “good morning, good morning, good morning, it’s time to rise and shine, good morning, good morning, good morning I hope you’re feeling fine…”
I’d go potty and walk down the hall to the smell of churizo and eggs. I’d ask God’s blessings on my food and eat it until my tummy was content.
The biggest worry on my mind would be who I would play with and what we would play. I’d worry about which man I would be married to when we would play house (which almost always was Gopher from The Love Boat).
I would sneak out my moms pie tins and make mud pies in the back yard with my sister. They would be so beautiful. We would use flowers and sticks and leaves to decorate them and then take them to the neighbors as our gifts of love. My only heartbreak in life would be when the little old lady I made the mud pie for screamed at me to get the mud out of her house and slammed the door in my face.
But I could run home and cry to my mom and she would tell me that she thought my pie was beautiful and she would save it for all of her friends to see.
If for only one day, to wake up and not have to worry about bills or my weight, or my job, or my car breaking down, or my husband being upset with me, or my kids getting hurt, or my grandfather being so sick he can hardly walk, or my grandmother suffering heart attacks in silence or losing my favorite aunt in the whole world to kidney disease or any of the things that weigh me down in life right now.
But that’s not going to happen, so instead, I’ll wake up and open my sons blinds and sing to them “good morning, good morning, good morning, it’s time to rise and shine…” and I’ll kiss them and tell them how much I love them and I’ll feed them their favorite breakfast, German pancakes, send them off to school and thank God for all the blessings in my life. Then, while they’re at school, I’ll dig out all my old pie pans and have them ready so I can make mud pies with them when they come home from school.
I can always dream about being a little girl again, but my boys will only be boys for so long, so I’ll just enjoy my time with them and hopefully help make their dreams come true.

Feeling good like I know I should

I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed today.
There are bills to be paid, phone calls to make, errands to be run, decisions to be made, orgasms to be had.
Usually, it’s times like these that the panic sets in. It’s these moments that I start to freak out and worry if I’m going to have a panic attack.
It’s not the case today. I feel fine. I am taking things slowly, doing one thing at a time. I have already accomplished one of the things on the list (anyone care to guess which one? heh) And now I am ready to take the day on.
It’s so awesome to feel this good, to feel in control of my life again. In the back of my mind there is that fear that it’s only a matter of time before I come crashing down again, but as soon as I start having those thoughts, I push them aside and focus on all that is good in my life right now.
I haven’t cried in days. I haven’t had any urges to hurt myself. I have been getting out of the house, enjoying the world around me again and it feels so good.
Now, I just hope I feel this good after I get done paying this stack of bills staring me in the face, but I doubt it.
Can’t I just win the kottery already?!?!

Feet.

Summer is just about here. Time to break out the sandals.
Do me yourself a favor and take care of your feet before you start showing them to the world. Please.
-If your big toe is hairy, shave it.
-If your nails have fungus, have it taken care of.
-If you have thick heels, buy a pumice stone and file that shit down.
-Paint your nails and whatever you do, do NOT “reapply” if it starts to chip, just buy some damn nail polish remover and redo them all.
It’s no secret I hate my feet because they are ugly, but I still take good care of them. I think everyone who plans on showing their feet this summer should do the world a favor and make them presentable so I don’t start dry heaving when I have to stare at them when you’re in front of me in line at Jack in the box.
Thank you.

I miss you

aaliyah.jpg
I remember the moment I heard it in on the news.
R&B singer Aaliyah was killed in a plane crash…”
My heart dropped to my stomach and I cried. I couldn’t believe it.
She was amazingly beautiful, her smile was captivating, her voice, mezmerizing. I loved watching her dance. To me, she was an angel. I miss her so much. I still can’t believe she’s gone.
She was one celebrity I truly admired because of her grace, her beauty and her gentle spirit.
Sigh…

Just in case you ever happen to end up behind me in the Starbucks drive thru…

If a bee flies into my van car while I’m sitting in the drive thru, I will put the thing in park and jump out and I will not get back in until I know for damn sure the mutha fucker has flown out.
I do not care if you get pissed and want to kick my ass.
I know kickboxing, chances are, you don’t.
The bee has a stinger, chances are, you don’t.
Even if you do know kickboxing and could beat me up, I’d rather have you kick my ass and pound my head into the pavement than have a bee stinger in my neck.
I’m just sorry the dude behind me didn’t know this before hand.
But you know, so don’t be all outraged if and when it ever happens.

Don’t cry, momma.

I just got off the phone with my mom. I was going to ask her to watch my boys tonight so I can go meet a friend tonight. When she answered the phone she sounded upset. I asked her what was wrong. She said she was getting ready for a mother/daughter tea she was having at the church this morning and she picked up the card I gave her for mothers day and started reading it. She read it to me…
“Mom, I’m sorry I am such a dissappointment to you…”
She started to cry.
My mom never cries. Ever.
She said “You’re not a dissappointment to me y, you never have been, I am the one who dissappointed you.”
She went on to say how she knows she did me wrong in so many ways and that I don’t have the life I wanted because of the way she raised me. She told me she knows that her and my dad made so many mistakes. She said she wished she could do it all over, but she wanted me to know she never did it out of a bad heart, she thought she was doing the right thing. She also told me that she knows how the church can sometimes put people down and man can misinterpret the Word of God to make you feel unworthy, but she said God isn’t like that. She told me it pains her to see me locked up in this house because I believe of the lies I believe about myself. The lie that I’m ugly, that I’m not good enough, that people don’t love me. She told me they are all so untrue and she blames herself that I feel that way.
The other day I was at her house and her friends daughter came over. This girl is a young mother herself, a few years younger than me, and I hadn’t seen her in a long time. We talked for a while and we were laughing.
My mom told me that this girl went home and told her mom. “I saw y today and she made me laugh. No one ever makes me laugh and I just had the best time with her.” She told her mom she wished she could be like me and be able to laugh at things and at herself the way I can.
My mom told me it touched her so much to hear that because she believes I do have the gift of making people laugh and it hurts her so much that I can’t see that about myself. She said it hurts her that I can’t see how much people love me because I believe so many lies about how unworthy I am. And once again, she said she blames herself for all of this. If she had only told me more how beautiful I am and what a good person I am. That’s what she’s struggling with right now.
Of course, I was and still am crying because my mom has never said these kinds of things to me. She kept telling me she loves me, my mom never tells me that.
I’m a bit overwhelmed at all of this, just kind of soaking it all in. My mom and I have never been close. I have always felt like she was resentful of me and I never could figure out why, so to hear her say these things is extremely overwwhelming.
Woah, I definitely am going to go out tonight, inspite of the fact I AM ashamed of how I look, I need to be around people and laugh and just be me for one night.
Bring on the rum and let the good times roll.
(Does anyone say that anymore? “let the good times roll?” Well I said it, and I AM somebody dammit!)

Mooooo

I love listening to my boys talk while they’re eating breakfast.
Today’s discussion is deep.
“Are hot dogs made from cow penis?”
Andrew has come to the conclusion that they are because “hot dogs come from cows and why else would they call them weiners?”
So Ethan says “well, then you like eating cow weiners because you love hot dogs.”
They both start laughing like little girls.
Never a dull moment in this house, I tell ya.