A Different Kind of Before and After

When you lose weight, especially a significant amount of weight, people love to tell you how! amazing! you! look! omg! It’s nice to hear because losing a significant amount of weight is not easy to do and it’s nice to be recognized for hard work, yes? But, if you should happen to stop losing weight and gain weight back, it’s hard to NOT feel ashamed and or embarrassed.

Here’s the thing… EFF SHAME. EFF IT RIGHT IN THE UGLY FACE.

In the past year, I had a traumatic friendship break-up, lost my job and a huge portion of our household income, injured my knee and then injured my neck and shoulder. I was depressed, I was broke, I was scared and so I did what I did what I needed to do to cope emotionally. (Eat. A Lot.) I’m not saying I handled things in the best or healthiest way possible, I absolutely did not. But I did what gave me comfort at the time. It’s taken a lot of time, a lot of tears, a lot of conversations with my husband and a LOT of donuts, but I’m finally at a place where I can say that I’ve truly, completely let go. I’m ready to move on and to live my best life again. I’m ready to admit where I went wrong and to do better.

If I choose to hold onto the shame that I feel about letting myself get unhealthy again, I will not be able to move forward.

shame

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I ate too much, I didn’t work out enough and I gained weight. It happened. I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself or feel like a terrible person. Instead, I choose to set goals, to make better choices and to get in shape again.

Here’s my “before and after.” The first photos are of when I was in shape, when I had lost weight and was no longer 199. The second pictures were taken today after my first boot camp class (big ups to Lindsay for hooking me up with a writing gig so boot camp is possible again!) Totally out of shape again, totally 199 pounds again (okay, I lie, 201 pounds) But TOTALLY MOTIVATED TO DO BETTER.

now

(I chose the LARGE size photo because IN YOUR FACE, SHAME.)

18 thoughts on “A Different Kind of Before and After

  1. Jen

    So you “fell off the wagon” a little bit, shit was rough for you for awhile but I’m impressed as hell that you got right back up and it. Your motivation to exercise inspired me to get back to it and stick with it. High fives, lady, huge high fives. (and yay blogging! Maybe I’ll even start that again too)

    Reply
  2. Lauri

    Y,

    I totally get it, just went though a break up and left my husband and I just feel like I am finally coming out of a coma or something. I gained my weight back too… it sucks.

    We got this…… moving forward..

    Lauri

    Reply
  3. Maggie

    Thank you for sharing this. I’m in a similar boat and I needed to see that someone else is in there with me…

    Reply
  4. Kellie

    I’m so glad that you’re blogging again! You are so relatable, I’m right here with you, fighting the fight. No. More. Shame.

    Reply
  5. Britt Reints

    In your face shame! And what this really illustrates is that life is about always moving, learning, moving some more – not passing or failing some final test. Good for you!

    Reply
  6. KTP

    I am on the positive comments side of this story right now because I was on an elimination diet for 3 months to figure out allergies (gluten and dairy of course) and lost 12 pounds. Every time someone tells me how great I look – especially my husband – I feel a bit of pressure to keep this going. If it wasn’t for fear of pain in my tummy I would want to hunker down with some bagels and ice cream (no, not together, SHUT UP). But what happens when I gain the weight back? Thank you for this. It’s just life. It’s just my beautiful powerful body.

    Reply
  7. Louise

    First, it is so nice to see that you’re blogging again. Second, eff shame. Eff it right in the effing A. (I’m Canadian). You got this.

    Reply
  8. alimartell

    you are exactly 100% right. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You are so awesome—and you are totally going to kick boot camp’s ass (says the girl who is too afraid to try boot camp) xo

    Reply
  9. Elaine A.

    I am in the same boat right now. Gained back the 25 pounds I’d lost a couple of years ago. I just keep saying to myself, “if I could just lose 5 or 10 pounds back”… I have trouble with the shame. I’m glad you are squelching it! GO YOU! :)

    Reply
  10. Jessica

    I always feel so uncomfortable with the massive compliments I’ve received for losing weight. Because frankly I’m the same flawed fabulous soul regardless of my weight. The container may shift and change and the only reason to attack weight and fitness is to give my soul a container that doesn’t needlessly weigh it down. But it is hard to not feel that pressure to be lovely on the outside – to remember that we are all human beings not human doings and that the journey we travel soul and container is our own journey. And that sometimes a writer with a voice as pure as fresh water reminds me of all this. Thank you, Y.

    Reply
  11. Pingback: What Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto Can Teach Us About Troubled Pasts - In Pursuit of Happiness

  12. Anonymous

    You’ve got curves for days!!! You might not be happy with your weight, but let me tell you, there are women who would kill to gain weight like you–in all the right places, accentuating the curves! Embrace your body. It’s gorgeous!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>