Blogging About Feelings Like It’s 2002.

I’m having so many feelings right now and I’m going to take it old school and write through the feelings.

Just three months ago, I had a really good job that I loved very much.  I got a good employee review and felt like I would have that job for a long time!  They valued my work and I had been there since pretty much the beginning. My job was secure and I felt so blessed!  But, it turns out that I was very wrong about everything and didn’t know anything.

I literally fell to the floor in shock when I got that call because what was I going to do? My family depended on my income to pay the bills and buy the food and OH MY GOD MY LIFE WAS OVER. We had just moved into a house that I loved and we were about to pay off our car and finally buy a new car for my husband (he’s driving the same care we bought in 1995)  and so many other things! And then with that one phone call, everything changed. I didn’t know how we were going to survive.

I cried a lot for days. I didn’t sleep much for weeks. I gained 10 pounds from stress eating at 2am.  I was angry, confused, hurt… I was devastated. 

Even though I was upset, I tried very hard to conduct myself in a professional matter. I didn’t want to say anything that I would regret or behave in a way that would be detrimental to my future. It wasn’t easy, but I tried to “put on a happy face.”  I was determined to make the best out of a terrible situation. I had to make a conscience decision every day to not let bitterness consume me.

After a few weeks of crying, worrying, just generally being a hot mess of a human being, I began to feel normal again. I began to feel relieved to have more time to spend with my family, to be creative again. I began to feel hopeful about my future!  The lack of money was hard to deal with, but the important things were getting paid and my kids were clothed, fed and still had a roof over their head.  I chose to be thankful for what I had instead of what I lost.

I was moving on and learning to adjust to my new normal.

But something happened today and I suddenly feel a giant cloud of gloom and sadness looming over me.   I’ve tried not to think about the holidays and all of the stress that will come with it because I’m unemployed, but I can’t pretend it’s not going to happen. I know we will be okay, it’s not the end of the world. We will make the best out of the situation. But I also know that there will be moments of suck and well, UGH.

I don’t want to be a bitter person who dwells on the past. But right now? In this very moment? I am a bitter person who is dwelling on the past.

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Blogging About Feelings Like It’s 2002.

  1. daniel

    This is what I like about you – you put it all out there. This is why I started reading you blog back in… 200something. The emotional honesty you express is something I wish I could figure out how to do.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could make it better for you.

    Reply
  2. Leigh

    In 2005 my husband and I were employed as ministers at a church where everything was going really well, we loved our home and our jobs, and we thought everyone loved us too. Turned out, not so much–we were very suddenly let go and ended up living with his parents for eleven months. We went through a terrible depression and it was all so awful I still have trouble thinking about that period of time.

    I think when something so sudden and shocking happens like that, it’s harder to get over because you just want your old life back, and feel you’ve been dealt an unfair hand. It makes it really tough to look forward, because instead you keep looking behind you at what you thought was real. I can tell you, 8 years later, I am mostly over it all but I still feel some bitterness from time to time, and like I said it’s still hard to think about the life we once had. I still wish I knew why our situation was handled like it was, why we were given no warning; the lack of closure is tough.

    I hope that you can find something new soon and end up in a much better situation, but more importantly I hope you can find some peace.

    Reply
  3. Jill

    You know what, Y? One thing that I’ve always admired about you & this blog is how creative you are.
    That is a quality that cannot be taken away…no matter what kind of job you have or if you have a paying gig at all, it will always reside abundantly in you!
    Can the holidays be sucky when finances are tight? Yes, but they can suck with money, too (oh the expectations). Sometimes the most cherished memories come from lean times – when we are faced w/ a less material version of the holidays (that’s where you have the advantage since you are so creative).
    I know you will come through this.
    You are so talented, kind and smart. The right thing will open up for you soon.

    One thing that always helped me when I was laid off was a saying in our church: “You’re never really unemployed; God is your employer.” I took that to mean no matter what the outward appearances said, I always had a job expressing God’s qualities such as: kindness, intelligence, creativity, generosity, a sense of humor, love, etc. (qualities that, BTW, you so beautifully express. That’s why your blog is so popular!).

    Maintaining this thought took away some of the stress, and perhaps put me in a better frame of mind to receive new opportunities.

    You are a gifted communicator! Thank you for sharing and we are sending good thoughts your way.

    Reply
  4. Leah

    Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I hope you find something too and in this season especially around the holidays just hold on to your family and the fact you have each other. But yes I am sure there will be times of this stinks. Hope things turn around soon.

    Reply
  5. Marcilia

    You’ve been a “go to” for encouragement. I’ve read your blog for several years and identified with many of your joys and struggles.

    You’ve lost something very dear to you — suddenly. A lot to sort out. Painful. Grief is a process; no way around it, gotta go through it. Allow yourself to grieve, to feel and to remember. There is no doubt you’ll rebound, but now do what you need to heal.

    Peace.
    M~

    Reply
  6. girlplease

    Not easy to practice but I was in your shoes back in 2003. Great review, first good paying job, then bam–came in one day, told to come into the conference room, and bam–I was fired. No reason beyond their strategy and needs have changed (truth was the girl behind me hated me …now she’s a VP so there you go).

    Anyway, good review or bad review…or even no review….a company can fire you at any time for nearly any reason especially in an at will state. What I mean is nothing you can do or have done can change their deciison if that’s the way they want to go.

    It doesn’t make the bills easier thinking or knowing that. It doesn’t ease the pain and stress. But it does put a different perspective to hopefully lessen the worry, stress, and pain. It feels like betrayal but take control of that feeling by thinking “you know, whatevs….” because again, you sometimes have zero control over these things.

    I’ve worked at places where I’ve received good reviews. I’ve had many boss changes where they obviously were trying to get rid of me. And now I see it both ways–you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    But at least I say what is on my mind and feel good about it when I’m done. At least even if me leaving is not in my control, telling them whatever with the best and honest intensions makes the sting of leaving a little less hurtful.

    Don’t let them play you or win by being upset for so long.

    Reply

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