Because Embarrassing Bathroom Stories are Fun to Read!

From the archives, Originally posted September, 2003.

I was reading Joelles post about pooping in public restrooms and it reminded me of one of my most embarrassing moments in life.

When Tony and I first got married, he wanted to go to Tijuana to visit his grandparents. I wasn’t too thrilled with the idea. When I was a young girl, I had to go there with my parents are part of their church ministry and I know what the “bathroom situation” is like in most places. The idea of staying somewhere for more than a day where I might possibly have to take a dump in a box with a hole cut out didn’t appeal to me at all. (I have bathroom issues.) He swore to me that his grandparents lived in a modern house, with running water and an actual toilet. I fought the idea of going, but I realized I was acting like a spoiled rotten brat and agreed to go. However, I wasn’t thrilled about it.

We arrived and I was thrilled to see that yes, they had a toilet! However, the toilet was in the middle of the living room. There were four pieces of wood surrounding the toilet that went about halfway up to the ceiling. So, while you technically had “privacy”, there was really no barriers to keep the sounds/smells confined to the bathroom area. I was slightly mortified, but hey! it was a real toilet that I could flush! And besides, it was just us and his grandparents at the house. I could totally deal with that.

A few hours after we arrived, Tony’s grandmother began making chocolate milkshakes for us to drink. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying “no thank you.” So, I had a milkshake. But then, she made another one and then, another one and you guys! I kept drinking them so as not to offend her. Later that night, my stomach started to hurt really bad. Uh, oh. I thought to myself. I know what’s about to happen and it’s not going to be pretty.

I was laying in bed with severe stomach cramps when I heard people start coming through the front door. The started to file in, one, two, three at a time. Before you know it, the entire living room was filled with people. And these people were ALL MEN.

“What the hell is happening here?” I asked my husband. He went to talk to his grandma to find out.

Apparently, his grandfather was very active in Mexican politics and that night he was hosting A TOWN MEETING! In his living room! The same living room that had the only toilet in the house right in the middle of it! With only four boards around it so no one could see you, but everyone could hear and smell you!

Oh hell no. This was not happening. Except, it was happening! OH MY GOD IT WAS HAPPENING.

I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t. I ran to the living room. After making my way past two thousand Mexican men, I made it to the “bathroom.”

OH LORD JESUS, HELP THESE PEOPLE FOR WHAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO HEAR… and smell

And then. It happened.

Sitting on a toilet, shitting out dozens of milkshakes in the middle of a mofo TOWN MEETING. It was loud in the room, so that helped to calm my anxiety about what was happening just a little bit. Until THE ROOM GOT QUIET. I sat there, crying, asking Jesus to JUST KILL ME NOW PLEASE because I had no idea how I was going to find the strength to exit that bathroom after what I had just done.

I sat there until I figured out an exit strategy. I was going to walk out of there with my head held high, like, YEAH, I JUST DID THAT… WHAT??! But that’s not what happened. I walked out of there, saw the line of people waiting to use the same toilet I had just tore the hell up, and ran out of there– tears streaming down my face– as fast as I could.

So there you have it. My Most Embarrassing Bathroom Story.

Care to share yours?

On second thought, DON’T! I don’t want to hear it!

12 thoughts on “Because Embarrassing Bathroom Stories are Fun to Read!

  1. shokufeh

    Tears streaming down my face! With laughter. At this point, I can’t share my most embarrassing bathroom story because it doesn’t hold a candle. Though I’m guessing all those men wished they were holding candles that night.
    Thanks for the afternoon laugh!

    Reply
  2. Jessie S.

    Seriously, I read this post when your first wrote it and still remembered it to this day. Every once in a while I would go back in your archives to try to find it because it made me laugh so hard. I’m so glad you reposted because I was never able to find it.

    Reply
  3. Katie

    Awww! That wasn’t funny at all — I would have died myself! I can hardly handle going potty in the regular bathroom at work, knowing that my boss sees how many times I walk past his door to get there, or knowing that someone might come in right after me.

    Reply
  4. Mindy Barker

    My most embarassing potty story actually embarasses someone else more, so I’ll tell it! :)

    About 20 years ago, I worked for a small office that had two main sections of people working – there were about 6 in my section, and the bathroom was right in the middle of our section (4 small offices with bathroom in the hall area). This was the only bathroom, so people from the other section, and also drivers (we made deliveries) would come and use the potty all day long.

    Well, everyday after lunch, someone would come and poop and leave skid marks and the whole hallway would stink for awhile afterwards. I assumed it was one of the drivers, so one day I was loudly complaining about it to my section, saying “who leaves those nasty skid marks and stinks up the place?” type of comments, when one of the ladies from my section piped up with “sorry. that was me” !!!!

    I was floored that she would fess up! And embarassed that I had called her out. But, seriously, people, would a courtesy flush kill you???

    Reply
  5. steve

    HAhahahahaha, this is the funniest thing I have read in a long long time. The whole thing just set one after the other. A bathroom in the middle of a linving room, town hall meeting and you had the shits! HAHAHAHA, I love it!

    I don’t think I was ever embarrased but more or less had bad experiences – one was where I had to shit so bad, I couldn’t make it to the bathroom upstairs so i went through my arents back door and went in the stationary tub. Another time, same deal only didn’t make it that far and shit my pants.

    Reply
  6. steve

    Here is the thing that should have made you feel better though – all of those people were used to that. Used to the sounds and smells and it is probably no big deal to them. Lol, still funny as hell.

    Reply
  7. Mindy Barker

    Steve is probably right. They were probably more bothered by the crying woman fleeing from the bathroom than they were by any sounds or smells.

    Reply
  8. Norma

    I read alot of funny stories on the internet but by far yours are the best! I hope YOU are getting a book together with all these hilarious stories.

    Reply
  9. Sarah

    You pretty much take the cake, girl. That sounds like one of those moments you just can’t erase from your mind (and now, not from my mind either!).

    Reply

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