It Felt Big In My Mouth

This morning I stopped by the Starbucks closest to my house and ordered my favorite cold drink.

A venti black iced tea, easy water, extra ice, 3 pumps of sweetener.

Yes, I’m THAT jerkface.

I waited until after I had dropped the kids off at school before I begin to sip on my It’s Complicated Iced Tea.

Very first sip, something slipped through the straw and into my mouth. My brain was all “Oh! a piece of ice!” and so my teeth chomped down and BIT IT.

HERE’S THE THING, YOU GUYS.

It wasn’t a piece of ice.

It was a whole spider.

AND IT WAS CRUNCHY AND IT TASTED WEIRD AND I SPIT IT OUT AND THE ROOM STARTED SPINNING BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF SPIDERS AND YET I ACTUALLY BIT INTO A SPIDER WITH MY TEETH IN MY MOUTH.

I started to freak out. Like, crazy, losing-my-shit freak out. I ran down the hall and threw open Andrew’s bedroom door. I was hysterical.

I don’t remember what I said but I think it may have sounded something like this:

“Oh my God, I just bit into a giant spider and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *GRUNT GAG SPIT GAG BODY SHIVER* I don’t know what to do and are you recording me with your phone? Stop recording me with your phone and please go look and see what kind of spider it was because what if it was poisonous am I going to die? HELP ME FORGET THIS HAPPENED. I TASTED IT, ANDREW, I FELT IT AND I TASTED IT AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELP ME.”

He went to go examine the spider that I had spit out of my mouth. He started to laugh. “Mom! It’s not big. It’s a small spider.” I was all “It’s small because I ATE HALF OF IT.” And then he examined it closer and laughed some more. “It has all of it’s legs, mom.”

AND THEN I STARTED CRYING AGAIN.

And then he laughed some more.

It’s been hours since this happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop feeling it in my mouth.

I had to run to Target really quick on my lunch break because we were out of toiler paper and while I was there, I wanted to tell every single person I saw what happened to me.

“Oh, hi! Did you now I accidentally ate a spider today and it tasted weird and PLEASE HOLD ME?”

I’m just not sure how I can ever forget the way it felt in my mouth or the way that it tasted. Maybe Vodka will help. It’s it 5 yet?

*Updated*

I can’t believe I’m posting this, but I AM POSTING THIS.

28 thoughts on “It Felt Big In My Mouth

  1. Daniel

    ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod – I can’t read the rest of the post. I just saw “it’s a whole …” ugh can’t even… wow. I would LOSE! MY! SHIT! I have some funny stories about me and my arachnophobia.

    I am so sorry for you.

    Reply
  2. lindsayc

    I once washed my face with a spider. A big ass wolf spider that I managed to crush while wetting a face cloth. I was so scared of what I had just done I jumped out of the shower and phoned people until my sister in law answered her phone. Then I freaked out completely. I feel your pain!

    Reply
  3. smart aleck

    Ughhhhhhhhh. I once had a fly slip into my mouth with hot cocoa as a kid and can still feel it fly around 30+ years later. A spider so tops that. Poor Y!

    Reply
  4. Mommabird2345

    O.M.G.!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even describe how freaked out I am for you. I think I will have a permanent horrified look on my face. THAT, is the thing of NIGHTMARES!!! UGH!!!!!!!

    Reply
  5. Tabitha

    Oh no! I’d be horrified!
    What is it with Starbucks lately? Just yesterday, a barista knocked over a cup of coffee and it splashed on my 4 year old. The guy stood there, not doing anything about it, until I requested a rag. A couple phone calls to corporate and I now have a $100 gift card. Not what I was after, but they assure it was “taken care of ” at the store.

    Reply
  6. Statia

    Seriously? Can I tell you how happy I am that it happened to you, and not someone else? Because NO ONE can pull of the DRAMAZ of eating a spider the way you can. I’m not laughing at you, I swear.

    Ok, I am a little.

    Reply
  7. Jessica

    Ew to the Ew.

    When I was kid, I took a peanut butter sandwich to school. I was eating it and noticed it was quite crunchy. Then I remembered it wasnt actually crunchy peanut butter. No, it was a big ass cricket. Only half of it was left. I think the teacher was even more grossed out than I was. Every time I hea a cricket, I flashback to the crunch.

    On a more juvenile note: the title of this post makes me giggle. heh

    Reply
  8. Melissa

    I drank a soda once only to discover a roach at the bottom of the cup. I immediately started retching (while driving) and my husband was laughing. (Also – I couldn’t help but laugh at this post mostly because I know what you’re feeling.)

    Reply
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  10. Katie

    I came home from 6 th grade camp, and was so filthy my mom promptly told me to go shower…. And while I was undressing a spider was in my underwear!!! Agggghhhh! I think chomping on one takes the cake though- sorry!

    Reply
  11. Lori

    O.
    M.
    G.
    That is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever read. My butthole is still puckered.

    I seriously can not stop shivering.

    GAH.

    Reply
  12. dana michelle

    Oh the humanity!! And it had to happen to you, of all people, so you can entertain the rest of us.

    As a kid, I yawned while walking the dog one summer night and a freaking JUNE BUG flew in my mouth!!!!! I immediately went ‘ptooey’ but it’s little feet stuck fast to my tongue, so I had to scrape my tongue under my top teeth to dislodge it. I still get the heebie jeebies when I see one of those little effers and that was over 40 years ago.

    Starbucks owes you one hell of a gift card but I’m not sure I could ever ingest anything from there again if I were you. ***shudder***

    Reply
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  14. Fiona

    I once had a huge cockroach in my mouth. Had left a glass of OJ by my bed…middle of the night, in the dark, reached over and took a swig. It was more cockroach than OJ…..spat it back out….40 years later I still remember in in absolute details….didn’t check number of legs though so not sure what part I spat out and what part when down with the juice!!!!

    Reply

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