This morning I stopped by the Starbucks closest to my house and ordered my favorite cold drink.
A venti black iced tea, easy water, extra ice, 3 pumps of sweetener.
Yes, I’m THAT jerkface.
I waited until after I had dropped the kids off at school before I begin to sip on my It’s Complicated Iced Tea.
Very first sip, something slipped through the straw and into my mouth. My brain was all “Oh! a piece of ice!” and so my teeth chomped down and BIT IT.
HERE’S THE THING, YOU GUYS.
It wasn’t a piece of ice.
It was a whole spider.
AND IT WAS CRUNCHY AND IT TASTED WEIRD AND I SPIT IT OUT AND THE ROOM STARTED SPINNING BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF SPIDERS AND YET I ACTUALLY BIT INTO A SPIDER WITH MY TEETH IN MY MOUTH.
I started to freak out. Like, crazy, losing-my-shit freak out. I ran down the hall and threw open Andrew’s bedroom door. I was hysterical.
I don’t remember what I said but I think it may have sounded something like this:
“Oh my God, I just bit into a giant spider and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *GRUNT GAG SPIT GAG BODY SHIVER* I don’t know what to do and are you recording me with your phone? Stop recording me with your phone and please go look and see what kind of spider it was because what if it was poisonous am I going to die? HELP ME FORGET THIS HAPPENED. I TASTED IT, ANDREW, I FELT IT AND I TASTED IT AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELP ME.”
He went to go examine the spider that I had spit out of my mouth. He started to laugh. “Mom! It’s not big. It’s a small spider.” I was all “It’s small because I ATE HALF OF IT.” And then he examined it closer and laughed some more. “It has all of it’s legs, mom.”
AND THEN I STARTED CRYING AGAIN.
And then he laughed some more.
It’s been hours since this happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop feeling it in my mouth.
I had to run to Target really quick on my lunch break because we were out of toiler paper and while I was there, I wanted to tell every single person I saw what happened to me.
“Oh, hi! Did you now I accidentally ate a spider today and it tasted weird and PLEASE HOLD ME?”
I’m just not sure how I can ever forget the way it felt in my mouth or the way that it tasted. Maybe Vodka will help. It’s it 5 yet?
I can’t believe I’m posting this, but I AM POSTING THIS.