Did I ever tell you about the time a wiener dog killed the crap out of my pet bunnies? No? Oh, well, one time? A mofo wiener dog killed the crap out of my pet bunnies.
I don’t remember the year, or how old I was, but I remember every detail of that afternoon. We had returned from church one afternoon. As we were pulling up to our driveway, a little asshole wiener dog was trotting away from our backyard. When I got into the house, I immediately headed to the backyard. Upon opening the door, I saw my bunnies laying all tore up in the backyard, their fur scattered about the grass. It was HORRIFYING. The neighbor’s wiener dog had murdered my precious, innocent bunnies.
A few days later, I was in the garage when that dog came walking up our driveway like, all casual like, as if he hadn’t just killed my bunnies. I came running out of the garage towards the dog and shouted “get out of here!” He stopped dead in his tracks. I stomped my food and shouted again. “GO! GET OUT OF HERE!” He stood there for another second and then? Then the furry murderer growled, showed me his teeth and then he CHARGED AT ME. I screamed and ran inside the house and declared my burning hatred for wiener dogs.
Over the years, my hatred melted away. It was one wiener dog! Surely, there are many wonderful wiener dogs who are not assholes!
Last week I was out for an afternoon run in the neighborhood. Funky tunes from my iPod were blasting through my pink Virgin Air headphone (my good ones broke. Judge not) as I pushed myself to keep running. Then, I saw something out of the corner of my eye, I whipped my head around and a MOFO wiener dog was charging at me. A MOFO wiener dog wearing a rhinestone studded collar. This can NOT be happening, I thought to myself. But it very much was happening. My first thought was to run faster, but then I actually thought about how stupid I would look running away from a wiener dog wearing a rhinestone studded collar. I also thought about that thing people say about not letting a dog know you are afraid. You know that thing I’m talking about? So, I stopped and got into the I Will Kick You In Your Face Stupid Dog position.
The dog backed off for a second and as I stood there trying look tough and like I wasn’t at all scared that he was about to rip my calf apart with his evil little mouth. Then, all of a sudden, he came at me again.
That’s when a woman came running across the street. She was yelling at her dog to leave me alone. “I’m so sorry!” She shouted. “It’s okay!” I responded. “Just please, get him away from me.”
This story had a happy ending. The dog did not get kicked and my calves did not get chewed to pieces and no bunnies were murdered.
But my hatred for wiener dogs has been renewed with a fiery passion.