Butt Massage, Unexpected.

A few hours after my Grandmother passed away, my mother suggested that we all go to this foot spa/massage place that she goes to often. She told us that for $25, we could get an hour long massage. We were all physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and so an hour long massage sounded wonderful.
I talked my husband into going, but it wasn’t easy. He was not comfortable getting a massage from a man OR a woman, but mostly from a man. I was all “if you get a man, just close your eyes and pretend she’s a beautiful, strong woman.” He agreed to give it a try.
Honestly? I was so traumatized from having watched my Grandma’s body being carried out on a stretcher and placed into a beat up old car, I don’t remember much from the massage. I remember it was dark and that there were lots of chairs in the middle of the room. I remember we left our clothes on. I remember there was relaxing music. I remember they put my feet in a tub of water. I remember that I wanted to fart SO MANY TIMES and had to clench SO HARD SO MANY TIMES. I remember they put a towel over my eyes and feeling relieved because no one would be able to see if I cried during the massage.
The actual massage? I don’t remember much about it.
Last Saturday I invited a friend to go with me to try this place again. It’s easy to convince people to try a massage that only costs $25 and lasts an hour. She asked about it and I told her what little I remember.
“They don’t just massage your feet. They massage your back and your hands. It will be great! Let’s do it!”
We met at 10am on Saturday morning. When we entered the building, I could tell she was a little bit nervous. There are no private rooms, just a few chairs lined up in the middle of the room. Kind of awkward, but it’s really not a big deal because you don’t take your clothes off! I assured her it was going to be just fine and that she was going to LOVE IT. How can you not love a $25 hour long massage?
They brought a bucket for each of us to soak our feet in while we laid back and the men went to work on our bodies. I closed my eyes while the man started to massage my scalp. It was weird at first because he was chewing gum quite loudly and, well, there’s nothing relaxing about the sound of a stranger chomping on gum. However, one skill that I’ve mastered because I have three kids who are all very loud is the skill of Tuning Shit Out. I was able to tune the sound of his gum chewing out and focus on the peaceful music.
The first few minutes were pure heaven. Scalp massage, followed by an eye brow massage, followed by an arm and hand massage. He worked his way down my body to my feet. The foot massage was a bit rough. There were a couple of times where I instinctively wanted to kick him in the face (because it hurt so bad.) I took deep breaths instead.
Once he was done with my feet, he took the towel off of my eyes and asked me to turn onto my stomach. He started massaging my shoulders, which felt AMAZING. I have so much tension in that area from working on the computer all day. I was in heaven.
And then something pretty weird happened.
He touched my ass. On purpose. He started by pushing down on it, then he began to knead it, as if my ass was a ball of pizza dough that needed to be shaped.
It was so… awkward, so… unexpected. There I was, in the middle of the room, getting a Full Blown Unexpected Butt Massage. I could feel the laughter rising up within me. I laughed quietly to myself through that little hole that they make for your face in the massage chair. This was really happening! And it was weird! But then, it stopped being funny and started to be straight up painful. He began to rub The Butt in a very aggressive manner. It almost felt like he was angry with it and like he was “teaching it a lesson.” He pushed, he rubbed, he um, spread my freaking cheeks apart.
I wanted to get up and be all “HEY THERE, LITTLE FELLA! Watch yourself!” But I couldn’t move. I just laid there and let him brutalize my butt. (Because maybe this was normal? Maybe this was good for my butt and I just didn’t know it?)
It lasted for what felt like 2 hours, but was probably 5 minutes? And then, it was over. My friend’s massage ended at the same time. We both sat up and looked at each other. Our hair was a mess, or makeup was a bit smeared.
“What the heck?” My friend said. “I feel like I need to smoke a cigarette.”
I knew what she meant.
The next day, Tony wrapped his arms around me and grabbed my butt.
It hurt so bad, I got chills.
“I think that guy bruised my butt. Will you…”
Before I could finish my sentence, he pulled my sweats down to carefully, lovingly and longingly examine my bottom.
And sure enough, just a little left of crack was a blue-ish, oddly shaped bruise.
I’m no expert in How Massages Are Supposed to Work, but I’m pretty sure they’re never supposed to end with butt bruises.

24 thoughts on “Butt Massage, Unexpected.

  1. Charlie

    Oh, I love these places! Yes, the butt massage is an Asian style massage and I’ve had one dozens of times. You may have gotten an… energetic masseuse. I’ve never had bruises on my booty, but definitely on my calves and even back.
    Gah, now I want one of them massages!

    Reply
  2. Kate

    Nope, not supposed to have a bruise.
    I used to get regular massages at dance camp. The masseuse was every cliche of a crazy German woman… and she massaged my breasts. Just whipped down the sheet and went at it. Nothing sexual about it whatsoever, just very matter-of-fact.
    Surprised me, that’s for sure.

    Reply
  3. Amy

    Hysterical! LOL!!!
    I went with two girlfriends for massages once – we all had separate rooms & all that, but we all had the same experience when we got out – feeling like we needed a cigarette! Good times.
    I’ve gotten bruises from deep tissue massages before. Sounds like that’s what you got. I wonder if your butt muscles are all tight from clenching so much to avoid farting. HA HA HA

    Reply
  4. Andrea

    This makes me think of Karl on “An Idiot Abroad,” the show with Ricky Gervais. They sent Karl to a women’s prison in Thailand for a massage. She was twisting him up like a pretzel! Then she massaged his butt. He said “Why? Do you get stressed out in your arse?!” ROFL

    Reply
  5. Jessie

    Holy shit! I haven’t laughed so hard since I read your post about visiting your husband’s family and the bathroom was in the middle of the room. By the way, can you repost that one?

    Reply
  6. jadine

    OMG. This is why I will never get a massage. Strange person rubbing on me? Touching my butt? *Bruising* my butt!?? NO!! But funny :)

    Reply
  7. Dawn

    Hey Y! Ok talked to my husband (the massage student)- he’s kinda concerned. They have to tell you what muscle group they are working on before doing it when it comes to private areas. He said definitely don’t go back there again. He also said it is a HUGE no-no to spread the cheeks. They’re supposed to massage each side at a time. He says that they can’t go in fist of fury like that. He thinks that you should report it. That’s his serious and concerned take on it. He said come here to CO and he’ll give you a great and SAFE massage! lol

    Reply
  8. Maggie

    um…thank you for telling this story, because the EXACT same thing happened to me at a foot spa in Hollywood last summer…it was a hot day & I was wearing a sun dress, and I seriously thought what that guy did to me was Not Normal…but apparently it is…yikes!

    Reply
  9. Amy

    I have been reading you for YEARS. I very very rarely comment…because sometimes I feel it would be weird to comment. But I have to comment on this one.
    I have had a rather crappy week (at the salt mines so to speak) and may or may not have been brought to tears (MAY) yesterday being the worst and today being not far behind.
    This post made me laugh….right when I needed to laugh so THANK YOU.
    And I agree with Leah- this is why I will not get a massage…strange peoples rubbing on me is bad enough but leaning butt bruises…um no :-) (Thank you again for making me smile on this crap day).

    Reply
  10. jess

    It’s so sweet that Tony is so dedicated and concerned for you that he needs no prompting to examine your buns for bruises. What a gentleman!! ;)

    Reply
  11. Stefanie

    Y, I’m seriously a little traumatized by this post. It’s one of my biggest fears. I don’t like being touched by strangers in the first place and if I sensed some impropriety I’d have an anxiety attack. But(t)…still hilarious. I’m slightly surprised that Tony didn’t freak out that they guy was all up in your booty!

    Reply
  12. dana michelle

    Mommabird, that is EXACTLY the same thing I thought of as I read this!!
    “Sure Joey, that’s how they measure your inseam……. in PRISON!” :)

    Reply
  13. Sarah

    This has happened to me! I bought a Swedish Massage from Groupon and the lady went to town on my butt saying my sciatic nerve was out of whack. My butt felt bruised for the next few days – I think I prefer my nerve out of whack than my butt bruised.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>