Parenthood Is Gross

Can we talk about last night? Because I really need to talk about last night.
It was about 7pm and my knee was killing me. I wasn’t sure if it was from the hours I had spent earlier that day trying to not slip and kill myself in the snow or if it was from all of the dancing (and way too many times I Dropped It To The Floor) on Friday night. Whatever it was, I knew that a pain killer was in order (ha ha Party on Friday Night, Pain Killers on Sunday Afternoon. Welcome, almost 40. You are hilarious!) I took something, plopped myself on the couch and proceeded to fall asleep and drool all over everything in a matter of minutes.
Around 11:30, I was awaken by a familiar sound of a kid puking violently in the bathroom. I jumped up, ran to the bathroom and found Ethan on the floor with his head in the toilet. Apparently, he hadn’t felt well all afternoon (my boys spend every Sunday at church with their Grandparents and uncles and church friends.) When he was finished, I asked him if he felt better and he said yes, he did.
I went back to sleep.
Not 15 minutes later, I feel a tap on my shoulder. It was Gabby.
“Mommy, my tummy hurts.”
“Do you feel like you’re going to throw up?”
“Maybe.” She replied.
I told her to go back to her bed and that if she felt like puking, to call my name while running to the toilet.
Maybe an hour later, I heard that awful sound again.
It was Gabby, puking in my bathroom.
I went in there to be with her and while I was holding her hair back, I thought “this can’t be happening. Not two kids in the same night.”
But it very much was happening because 30 minutes later, Gabby was running down the hall to puke for a second time at the same time Andrew had come into my room to tell me that Ethan was “puking all over the bedroom floor and in the closet.”
IN THE CLOSET.
Tony went into the bedroom to deal with the 13 year old who couldn’t be bothered to make it out of his room to puke in the toilet while I ran back into the bathroom to hold my daughter’s hair while she puked yet again.
When Gabby was finished, I walked to hall bathroom where Ethan had finally made his way, and questioned why he would roll over and puke in the closet instead of getting up to puke in the bathroom like his 6 year old sister.
“I didn’t feel it coming.” was his answer.
And the night only got worst from there.
Tony did his best to clean up the closet, carpet, blankets, mattress while I kept getting up with my daughter who kept puking repeatedly.
At one point, I started to cry.
For my kids. (I wish I could be sick in their place! I don’t want them to suffer!) For myself (I’m tired. Oh my GOD I’M SO TIRED! Also, why don’t I ever get the stomach flu? It’s such an easy way to lose so many pounds with zero effort!) For my husband. (He cleaned puke OUT OF A CLOSET.)
I was all “This is a nightmare. IS IT GOING TO END SOON? Because I don’t think I can take this for another minute.
But it didn’t end. It kept going until 6:20 in the morning.
I tried waking my only Non-Puking child up in the morning for school, but he begged me to let him go to school late because he couldn’t sleep all night due to the non-stop puke-fest. Normally, I would have told him “no!” But after having spent the night with virtually no sleep, the idea of being able to go back to bed and not having to drive him to school was too tempting to refuse.
I’m happy to report that my house has been Puke Free since 6:25 this morning.
I can only hope it stays that way.

28 thoughts on “Parenthood Is Gross

  1. mrtl

    It sounds like you’ve maintained your mommy puke tummy. Very impressive! Last time we had puke, my stomach couldn’t handle it.
    Hope all are still feeling better!

    Reply
  2. Kate

    Oh no! What an awful, awful night. I’m so sorry Y. Your kids are mighty lucky to have you and Tony to take care of them.
    I hope everyone’s feeling LOTS better and that no one else is getting sick.

    Reply
  3. BeNiceTwice

    Ha! Nothing better than a child who becomes so overwhelmed with sickness that they lose all logic. I once had a kid in my class start to puke, the freak out and TURN IN CIRCLES while projectile vomiting. Hope everyone stay vomit free for the next few days!

    Reply
  4. Kyla

    Puke is an *almost* everyday occurrence with KayTar…I used to be really bad at dealing it with it before she came along.
    Hope you and Pighunter escape the plague!

    Reply
  5. Candace

    Oh, lord. Been there, done that. Got puked on for the first time a few weeks ago. Not just.. spit up on, but full out vomited on. Hair, clothing, face, etc. We went and stood in the shower together fully dressed – then as we were about to get out and dry off, I had a towel around him and he… did it again. Sigh.
    At least it makes a good blog entry, no? :)

    Reply
  6. FireMom

    I’m sorry. I just read this aloud to my husband and I MAY have giggled once or twice. BUT! I promise it’s only because I CAUGHT PUKE IN MY HANDS LAST MONTH. At CHIPOTLE. I’m still mortified and can’t go there.
    Hope you’re all feeling better. STAT.

    Reply
  7. kayblevarrgh

    One time my son, about two years old at the time, had the stomach flu. My husband thought a red icee would help his lil’ tummy. He threw up red icee in every single room of the house. We had to pile the damage outside and bring in batches to wash…

    Reply
  8. Marie Green

    Ugg. Awful. Once, when our twins were toddlers, both girls, my husband, and I started throwing up during the same hour in the middle of the night. It was SO HORRIBLE that I still feel like it was possibly our worst parenting moment.

    Reply
  9. lani

    And out come the puke stories. Awesome. :)
    But what is NOT awesome is that you and your babies had to endure a night like this. :( Two thumbs down… and more if I had more thumbs.
    My little Gavie threw up all over the backseat of our car. It was so bad, we just took his carseat and threw it in the dumpster. And had the car detailed two days later.
    Is there ever a good puke story? So gross. :P

    Reply
  10. Roxanna

    Oh man Y! You’ve lived one of my nightmares. I am so not good with throw up! Kudos to you for not joining in on barf-a-palooza, because there is NO WAY that I would’ve kept it together.
    I hope everyone is still puke-free!

    Reply
  11. Jessica

    Oh that hated noise in the middle of night. But puking in the closet takes the cake. How, can you tell me, would puking in the closet be easier than just moving a few steps to the bathroom? And, yes, you just wonder how you will ever survive to see another day. But you do. Somehow.

    Reply
  12. Leah

    I hope everyone feels better soon. I guess on the bright side at least it wasn’t coming from both ends at the same time.

    Reply
  13. Cristin

    Oh, poor kiddos!
    And you are LUCKY you don’t get the stomach bugs. I would rather have a root canal.
    I’m so glad you’re writing again! Even if it is about barf.

    Reply
  14. Kami

    Oh hell. We have had nights like this also. When dealing with this kind of thing at some point I just declare it a total clusterfuck–and by doing that I seem to deal better?!

    Reply
  15. Julia johnston

    In my opinion Vomit is the WORST thing about being a parent EVER!!!! Well anytime they are sick in any way or hurting in any way is horrible too but why does vomit always happen at night? Especially if it is violent and particularily ugly its at night! I taught my kids very early that they are not to come to me first…bathroom first…me second and if they are sick or tell me they have a tummy ache they get a pill and a bucket next to their bed…. because the only thing worse then it happening in the first place is having to clean it up in the middle of the night….
    I’m SO sorry you had to deal with it… I wish you rest and a puke free home ….until next time.

    Reply
  16. Saelen

    OMG, that is the worst! Sorry about that.
    Whenever my kids are sick I hate it, but the puking just grosses me out. And you know if one gets it the others are likely to follow suit.

    Reply
  17. Amanda

    It is. I am still in the toddler and young child puking stage. I am wise enough to know that even as I think it can’t be more heartbreaking, so it becomes.

    Reply
  18. Kristina

    Ick! Two of mine had this last week as well. Of course, the oldest (nearly 15) didn’t even try to get to the bathroom. She soaked her mattress and the wall and all down between the bed and wall. Thankfully we had already ripped the carpet out of her room or we would have to take that out too. She will be getting a new mattress this week.
    I have 2 words for you… puke bucket! I cannot tolerate anyone urping and am a sympathetic urper. My husband get ice cream in the gallon buckets and we save those for just these occasions. My youngest likes to spike a fever, urp, and then want to eat! immediately! Luckily he gets over it as quickly as it comes. He feels it coming on and gets his bucket ready. I get extra lazy and like it with a plastic grocery bag so there is no rinsing involved, just tie a knot and in the trash. No fun at all. A couple of years ago, my stepmom came to visit. She got sick shortly after she got her and tried out everyone’s beds trying to find someplace comfortable, which in turn meant all 7 of us were sick at the same time. Poor hub had bucket detail because he was the only one with any energy. Good luck! I hope everyone is all better now.

    Reply
  19. girlplease

    Wow, it’s hitting coast to coast.
    Fed 2 year old gnocci
    Put 2 year old down for a nap
    1/2 hour later–barfin in crib
    two hours later gave plain bagel and milk
    5 minutes later puked up bagel, milk
    on conference call with work–barfed up bagel, milk, gnocci, and broccoli
    Yes. Parenthood is gross and inconvenient.
    I’m hoping it’s this weirdo flu thing going around and not acid reflux coming back.

    Reply
  20. marjorie

    Yes, parenting is gross. There’s puke, and poop and pee and we clean it all up because that’s what parents do because we love our kids. I had a giant bowl I used to give my kids to hold when they thought they might upchuck. Most of the time it worked, the upchuch went into the bowl. Except for that one time my daughter puked neatly into the bowl and then dropped the bowl on the living room carpet. The stain never came out. Oh yes, and the time with my son and the pizza puke at 3 am, all over the place, nowhere close to the big bowl. It was ham and pineapple. He is now twenty four and I still can’t eat ham and pineapple pizza. But I love my son.

    Reply
  21. Karen

    I haven’t read the other comments, so if I am covering old ground here, I’m sorry. I used smallish plastic buckets that could be kept in the sick one’s bedroom. It was far easier to take the “barf bucket” to dump than cleaning the floor, bedding and whatever else may have been puked on.
    You are right, parenthood is gross!

    Reply

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