Push Ups. (Or, The One Where I Pretend Like it Hasn’t Been 15 Days Since the Last Time I Posted Here.)

Last night me and my husband were sitting on the couch having a conversation. It was a normal conversation about normal things that married people talk about when out of nowhere, he used the world “swagger” (in the way the kids do, I might add.) I looked at him in the way that one looks at her husband when unexpectedly uses the word “swagger.”The Middle Child overheard this part of the conversation and piped in.
“Dad, please don’t ever use that word again.” He continued. “I mean, seriously, dad. SWAGGER? How old are you?”
Apparently, the idea that he is too old to use a word like “swagger” hurt my husband just a little bit. So, he started talking about all of the things that he used to be able to do, things like “100 push ups.. NO PROBLEM!”
The oldest child said something about Dad “wanting to relive his Glory Days.” which prompted my husband to blurt out “GLORY DAYS? What are you talking about? I can do 50 right now and not even sweat it!”
I instantly felt weak in my vagina for him because no he can not. He was going to lose so hard at push ups. But I had to be the supportive wife because this was definitely an Us against Them situation. Us being the Old, Nerdy Parents. Them being The Superior Teenagers who suddenly think of their parents as Old and Nerdy.
“You can do it, babe!” I shouted as I watched him assume the push up position on the floor.
He got down on the ground and BAM! He was doing push ups. But, like, LIGHTENING FAST push ups. I can’t even explain it except that maybe his (ego)adrenalin was pumping super hard and he couldn’t help himself.
Me: OMG, you’re going to fast, slow down!
Ethan: I bet that what you looked like on your wedding night, Dad!
Me: OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST HEAR YOUR SON? ETHANMICHAEL!
Andrew: HA HA HA HA. High Five, brother!
By the 12th push up, PigHunter started to slow down. Big time.
Me: Keep going! Don’t give up!
Ethan: Look at you, already slowing down. Just admit it, you can’t do 50!
Andrew: Listen to how hard he’s breathing.
PigHunter: breathing super hard while counting out loud and trying not to pass out from pain.
He got to 40 and I was ready to be all “IN YOUR FACE, TEENAGERS!” But then, at 47, he just gave up. He hit the floor and said “I can’t do it.”
He got up slowly while I said things like “you basically did it! You were only 3 away!” and the boys said things like “FAIL!”
While PigHunter picked himself up off the floor and tried to catch his breath, we laughed so hard that I may have “leaked a little” because, you know, OLD LADY. And as we laughed (and I leaked) I thought to myself, “I love this family of mine so much.” And also “I hope my Andrew- who is going to be 18 in March- never moves out because I never want him to NOT be here to make me laugh every single day” But that’s a story for another day.
The boys teased Tony for the next 10 minutes “You’re going to regret that in the morning, Dad.” Ethan said. “I already do. My arms are KILLING ME.” Such a good sport, such a good dad, that PigHunter.
I’m pretty sure my husband is never going to use the word “swagger” again.

15 thoughts on “Push Ups. (Or, The One Where I Pretend Like it Hasn’t Been 15 Days Since the Last Time I Posted Here.)

  1. Kate

    Your husband should have just told your sons that “swagger” was an actual word with actual meaning long before it started being bastardized in rap culture. He probably would have been less out of breath.

  2. Debbie

    I admit – I don’t know the meaning of swagger other than the way it is meant to be used. Maybe I should wake up my teenage sons to ask… on second thought, maybe not.

  3. Kerry

    Oh my word, I can’t believe the wedding night comment! Your kids are major smart-asses!!!! But you are obviously cool parents since they can joke around with you both and everyone laughs it off. What a fun family.

  4. Alice

    When my husband or I use what seems to the kids like an age-inappropriate phrase (for example, “Yo, chillax!”) they roll around n the floor with their hands to their ears screaming “It BURNS!”

  5. Andrea

    I love your family and I love this line SO MUCH:
    I instantly felt weak in my vagina for him because no he can not.
    ROFL

  6. Lyndsey

    haha that was great. Your kids are hilarious. :)
    Also, randomly– I have looked and failed to find why you call Tony PigHunter. And I feel like its probably a really good story. Could you link to the post about it??

  7. Beth

    Wait! If doing 50 pushups is the measure of youthful vigor, your boys should have done 50 pushups to earn the right to gloat! I bet they can’t get to 47 without being out of breath! ;-)

  8. Amanda

    Ok, so seriously? This was like a novel, this one not-so-little-post had so much heart in it. I am so glad i came over. I know I am totally gushing, but honey, you cover so much with such grace, humor and vagina clenching excitement I can’t stand it.
    xoxoxo

  9. Nancy P

    Ditto what Andrea said.
    Also, I too would love to hear the story behind why Tony is called Pighunter.

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