untitled

I know it’s real because I can feel it.
It’s painful. It’s heavy. It drowns out the sunlight.
I’ve taken the classes. I’ve spoken with therapists and psychiatrists. I’ve taken the drugs. I recognize when it’s happening.
Engraved deep in my mind are feelings of unworthiness. I don’t believe that that I am good at anything or worthy of much- including love, friendship or success. I’m the outcast, the stupid girl who didn’t go to college, who is too bogged down with fears and insecurities to ever amount to anything.
Most days I can fight those feelings, but on days like today- I can’t. I can’t fight them.
So, I get quiet. I isolate myself. I get angry. I get sad. I get sleepy. I cry.
I allow myself to sit with the pain and loneliness, hoping that tomorrow it gets better. It almost always gets better.

29 thoughts on “untitled

  1. JulieD

    I know just how you feel. Here’s to tomorrow being better. Because it will. Because you are worthy. Because we all are.

    Reply
  2. Kyla

    Y! You are so amazing and funny and gifted, anyone who knows you in any capacity knows this about you!
    You are awesome and even if you can’t believe it, we’re believing it FOR YOU.

    Reply
  3. JenT

    I know you don’t feel it now, but you are worthy. You ARE. Allow your family to encircle you right now in the love they feel for you and let them help you get through this. It will get better.

    Reply
  4. Heather

    I’m sorry, honey. I’ve been there too, will likely be there again, and I’m certainly no expert on how to get out, but I would like to offer my support and another voice proclaiming that it does get better.

    Reply
  5. Mary

    It will get better, Y. This too shall pass. I know because I have been there, too. For the last 33 years I have battled that beast, and there are definitely good moments mixed in with the heartwrenching ones. Sometimes there are good months, too – there is hope. I rely on my faith to get me through the dark days and nights. Just know that someone understands and cares and wishes you well. Hugs to you and prayers for an uplifting of your spirits.

    Reply
  6. amanda

    I think this time of year does this to a lot of people. I know it does me.
    I.do.not.enjoy.the.holidays. There, I said it.
    Hugs to you.

    Reply
  7. Jan

    I know how you feel. I have been there so many times. Just know, that I think you are amazing. You’re strong and beautiful and smart and funny. And all those thoughts you’re thinking, they’re lies.

    Reply
  8. Jen

    Thanks for this post. It kind of sums of the way I’ve been feeling lately. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. There is always tomorrow.

    Reply
  9. Cindy

    “So I get quiet. I isolate myself….” I so get this.
    I crawl into bed and don’t want to get out.
    Yet, my faith in God, my love for my husband and my children keep me safe.
    Thank you for being brave enough to post this.

    Reply
  10. Margie K

    I’ve had those feelings before. And I HAVE gone to college, grad school, even. Logic goes out the window when those feelings come. In our minds, there’s always some way we’re deficient.
    Sounds like you know what to do when this happens. I try to be proactive and do the things that help me feel better (for me it’s exercise, sunlight, the right supplements… ymmv).
    Hope today is a better day.
    And why am I the first to comment? There are so many people who love you, who would reassure you of your awesomeness. Or are you censoring?
    {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

    Reply
  11. AwwwTrouble

    Oh Y, I read you totally regularly and just rarely comment because I’m not even a real blogger, I just sort of post pics of my kids every once in a while, but I just had to write today and say how great I think you are. Some of your posts have made me cry with laughter, I love them so much (pretty much anything dance off related!). Be kind to yourself.

    Reply
  12. Mandi

    I’m sorry you are feeling so down sweetie. I know this pain all too well and it really sucks that someone as vibrant and beautiful as you suffers so much. I hope you can feel the sunlight soon, it’s too painful to sit in the dark for very long. Hugs to you.

    Reply
  13. jen

    You are worthy. When I was severely depressed, I scoured through the archives of your darkest days. IT HELPED ME. More than the meds and my family that didn’t know what to do with me.
    You are one of my heroes.
    You are worthy.

    Reply
  14. Lindsay

    The Mean Reds.
    I know just how you feel. I think we all go through it to varying degrees.
    Hope you’re feeling better today…
    We’ve gotta talk soon! :)

    Reply
  15. paige

    I call it The Beast. It stalks around my family. We rescued our daughter from it, we rescued our oldest son (barely, in the nick of time) and it stalks him still. I’ve fought it myself. I feel it sometimes, pacing around the edges of my life, the shadowed places in my mind that I avoid.
    Some days I can drive it away with laughter and friends and the love of my family. Some days it sits just in the scope of my vision and refuses to move. Some days it claws me quickly and leaps away, leaving me bleeding.
    You fight the Beast so well, never doubt that you will win.

    Reply

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