I used to have a neighbor who would invite me to go out dancing all of the time. My answer was always something like this: “I’ll go when I lose x-amount of pounds or when I am less than x-amount of pounds.” I never got down to the size that I thought was acceptable enough to go dancing out with my friend. I was 150 pounds.
I am now 179 pounds and I’ve danced more in the past 6 months than I’ve danced in my entire life.
I know that I’m still overweight, I know that I’m not society’s idea of a “beautiful woman.” But I dance anyway.
I can feel my arms jiggle when I raise them up in the air. But I dance anyway.
My jeans are a size 16. But I dance anyway
I have a double chin. But I dance anyway.
What changed? I made a choice. I chose to stop believing the lies I would tell myself (you’re ugly. You’re repulsive. You don’t deserve to enjoy your life) I chose to stop measuring my worth on the stupid numbers on a stupid scale. I made a choice to believe and trust the people in my life who love and care about me. For many years I disregarded the loving words of my husband. I found it hard to believe that a man could find my body attractive. He would tell me that I was beautiful, that he loved every inch of my body. I would tell him he was lying. I stopped calling him a liar and made a choice to accept and embrace his love and desire for me. For my body. I made a choice to stop believing that I have to be a Certain Size to enjoy my life.
This hasn’t been an easy process. It’s taken me many years and many tears to get to this place. I still have days where I contemplate NOT doing something because “I don’t have anything to wear” or “my stomach is SO BIG!” It’s still a struggle– but I am DETERMINED to live the rest of my life to the fullest. No more regrets. No more sitting at home wishing I had gone, wishing I hadn’t said no, wishing I didn’t feel so alone.
I don’t believe I could have arrived at this place of peace with my body without the words of encouragement and wisdom from the women I’ve met through blogging. And that is the reason why I said yes when I was asked to be a part of new project– Curvy Girls Guide. I feel honored to be a part of something so positive, so encouraging, so…real. I hope you’ll join the conversations we’re having over there. I think it’s going to be something truly special.