A Part Of Something Special

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I used to have a neighbor who would invite me to go out dancing all of the time. My answer was always something like this: “I’ll go when I lose x-amount of pounds or when I am less than x-amount of pounds.” I never got down to the size that I thought was acceptable enough to go dancing out with my friend. I was 150 pounds.
I am now 179 pounds and I’ve danced more in the past 6 months than I’ve danced in my entire life.
I know that I’m still overweight, I know that I’m not society’s idea of a “beautiful woman.” But I dance anyway.
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I can feel my arms jiggle when I raise them up in the air. But I dance anyway.
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My jeans are a size 16. But I dance anyway
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I have a double chin. But I dance anyway.
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What changed? I made a choice. I chose to stop believing the lies I would tell myself (you’re ugly. You’re repulsive. You don’t deserve to enjoy your life) I chose to stop measuring my worth on the stupid numbers on a stupid scale. I made a choice to believe and trust the people in my life who love and care about me. For many years I disregarded the loving words of my husband. I found it hard to believe that a man could find my body attractive. He would tell me that I was beautiful, that he loved every inch of my body. I would tell him he was lying. I stopped calling him a liar and made a choice to accept and embrace his love and desire for me. For my body. I made a choice to stop believing that I have to be a Certain Size to enjoy my life.
This hasn’t been an easy process. It’s taken me many years and many tears to get to this place. I still have days where I contemplate NOT doing something because “I don’t have anything to wear” or “my stomach is SO BIG!” It’s still a struggle– but I am DETERMINED to live the rest of my life to the fullest. No more regrets. No more sitting at home wishing I had gone, wishing I hadn’t said no, wishing I didn’t feel so alone.
I don’t believe I could have arrived at this place of peace with my body without the words of encouragement and wisdom from the women I’ve met through blogging. And that is the reason why I said yes when I was asked to be a part of new project– Curvy Girls Guide. I feel honored to be a part of something so positive, so encouraging, so…real. I hope you’ll join the conversations we’re having over there. I think it’s going to be something truly special.

27 thoughts on “A Part Of Something Special

  1. Tami

    Just wondering if you’ve been spending time in my head – because that sounded an awful lot like me :-) Great post – I needed to read it. Found your blog through the book “Blogging with Moxie”.

  2. Chibi Jeebs

    “I chose to stop believing the lies I would tell myself (you’re ugly. You’re repulsive. You don’t deserve to enjoy your life) I chose to stop measuring my worth on the stupid numbers on a stupid scale. I made a choice to believe and trust the people in my life who love and care about me.”
    Awesome. I so proud of, and happy for, you.

  3. Brittany

    You are AMAZING, and I am so honored you said yes!
    We have roughly the same body type and we are the same size. I see you in those pics and think, OMG she is STUNNING, and you are helping ME see that in myself.
    Love!

  4. Joelle

    Yay! I love you, dude. And Ive had the pleasure of seeing you do The Worm at various weights and it’s spectacular every time. ;)
    Tami, thanks for reading our book!

  5. Miranda

    I’ve been a long time reader and have always enjoyed your blog- just wanted to say I’m so happy for you Y- you truly are a beautiful person, writer and photographer! *hugs*

  6. Roxanna

    Y,
    I’ve been reading you for years, and this might be my most favorite of your posts. I like it even more than the “OMG Bees!” post. (I know!)
    But seriously — meeting you was one of my Blogher highlights. You are so beautiful, and I just love that you are finally accepting it. XOXO

  7. Lena

    YAY!!!
    I was hoping they’d ask you. That’s the first thing that went through my mind when I saw their new awesome project.
    I’m so so so happy for you – this is exactly the outlet you need; you will heal yourself as you inspire others, my friend.
    (Also? As far as you not being “society’s idea of a beautiful woman”…we’ve been friends for, what 4? 5 years? and girrrrl, you get MAD attention everywhere we go. At any size, any age, you are every guy’s type. I know this isn’t about The Guys, but I’m just saying…)
    (Also, I’M FREE. ANYTHING YOU WANT. Never forget! Hahahahahaa)
    LOVE YOU!
    ~L

  8. mouthy_broad

    this is such an amazing development for you!!
    i am so happy.
    print this out and post on the wall or fridge or something. it is a great mantra.

  9. Rebecca Grace

    YOU ROCK!! Congratulations, and thanks for being such a positive voice for women everywhere. I can tell you that the negative body images don’t really have anything to do with what size you are or what you weigh. Women who weigh 140, 125, even 115 still look in the mirror and feel terrible and worthless because of the unreal, surgically enhanced, airbrushed images they are bombarded with in the media day after day. I hope a million women will go out dancing again because of you!

  10. Elizabeth

    I think what this makes so clear, and it’s something that took me so long to figure out, is that your weight and how you feel about your weight have basically nothing to do with each other. I weigh 115 pounds and I’m pretty sure that you feel better about your body than I do mine.

  11. norm

    Ooh, if I ever find out who this “society” person is that doesn’t think you’re a beautiful woman, I’m gonna give him or her a piece of my mind, I tell you what.

  12. Melody

    I long to be where you are right now. I find myself holding back from so many things I enjoy simply because of flab- and it sucks! I am not overweight and I am a weight a lot of other people work really hard for, yet I can’t be happy with where I am. I won’t get a massage because I don’t want the masseuse to squeeze my cellulite (ew) and I won’t raise my arms to clap at a rock concert because I can feel the bingo wings flapping. I hold myself back from things my husband wants from me, telling myself “when I lose weight”. It’s so sick.

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