Well, I feel kind of stupid.
The procedure I was so nervous about turned out to be one of the easiest medical procedures I’ve ever had done.
I was most nervous about “the unknown” and “the needle that was going to be shoved into my thigh” and “the cutting into my leg” and “the stitches.” I mean, I understand that minor surgery to remove a lump isn’t that big of a deal, but I had no idea how deep they were going to have to cut or how badly the needle was going to hurt or how much pain I’d be in after it was all over.
I arrived to my appointment on time so they took me right in. The nurse asked me how I was feeling. I told her I was just a “little nervous.” She smiled and assured me it wasn’t a big deal. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding just how nervous I truly was. But my blood pressure gave me away.
On Tuesday, my blood pressure was 117/72. Yesterday, while starting at the table they were going to cut my leg open on, my blood pressure was 152/91. And when the nurse took it a second time (after I had taken a few deep breaths) it was even higher.
Needles are stressful!
She walked me into the cold, sterile room. First thing I noticed was the music. I asked her if I could put on my headphones and listen to my own music.
“We can put your ipod in the dock!”
“Oh, but my music has some not so nice language.” I replied.
“Oh, please! We’re young, we can handle it!”
She told me to take my pants off (but leave my panties on.) and lay down on the table.
“The doctor will be in shortly, Just try to relax, it’s going to be fine!”
The doctor walked in as In the Ayer was playing. She introduced herself and then proceeded to throw her hands in the air (and wave them from side to side.) That instantly made me feel so much better about everything. We laughed and then she asked me to show her the lump I was concerned about.
She felt it and kind of roller her eyes. “It’s so small.” She said. She felt it a bit more and then she said some other things that made me feel kind of dumb for having it removed, like, it wasn’t a big deal and “who is your doctor so I can yell at him for sending you here?”
“It’s up to you if you want me to take it out. I don’t think it’s anything to be concerned about, but the fact is we can’t be 100% sure without taking it out, so it’s up to you.”
I thought for a minute.
And another minute.
“Maybe I shouldn’t do it.” I said.
And I almost got up and walked out. Because DID NOT WANT NEEDLE IN LEG.
But then, I thought about how long that stupid lump has bothered me and how many times I’ve wondered “what if?” And how many times a day I touch it and wonder if it’s gotten bigger or harder (TWSS) and how much better my life would be if I got rid of it and knew with 100% certainty that it was just a hard lump of fat and not cancer.
“Go ahead and take it out. If only for peace of mind. Let’s just do it!”
Next thing I know, the doctor has a needle in her hand, ready to shove it in my thigh.
“This is going to be the worst part, I promise.” She says.
The nurse holds my hand, I take a deep breath. I feel the needle touch my skin and brace myself for THE HORRIBLE, AWFUL PAIN.
I mean, I could feel the needle, but barely. And it didn’t hurt at all. Not even a little bit.
I exhale and say “that’s it? You’re done?”
All that worrying for nothing, I thought to myself.
November Rain by Guns N Roses comes on just as she’s about to make the incision.
I feel pressure, a little tugging and pulling. The doctor sings along with Axl as I lay there, calmly and peacefully.
Before the song is over she informs me that the lump is out and she’s ready to stitch me up.
She stitches me up to Fix You by Cold Play. I close my eyes, feeling thankful that the stupid lump that has caused me so much worry for so many years was no longer inside of my body.It was now floating around in a plastic cup, ready for to be sent out for testing.
The nurse helps me up from the table. I get up, walk over grab my purse and put on my sandals. I thank the doctor and the nurses for being so wonderful and I head to the door.
“Oh, sweetie, don’t forget your pants.” She says.
“Oh Yeah! MY PANTS!” I FORGOT ABOUT MY PANTS!” I say. I put on my pants while everyone in the room, including myself, laughs hysterically.
I say “thank you” and “good bye” one more time and walk out of the room, with my pants on.
In about 7 days I’ll finally know.
I’m hopeful it will be good news.
Well, I feel kind of stupid.