The Thong Story

Last week while in NYC, I was scheduled to do a boudoir photo shoot.
I had to go buy a couple of new, sexy lingerie because I haven’t bought lingerie since 2000.
I searched everywhere for something that would a) hold my boobs up b) hide my belly (button) c) hold my boobs up d) hold my boobs up.
After days of searching, I finally found a couple of nighties that both held my boobs up and also hid my stomach. Attached to each nightie was a tiny little thong. Confession: I do not wear thongs. This is important to know.
Flash forward to the day of the shoot. I am in Laura’s bathroom, changing into my nightie. Keep in mind, I’ve not put on lingerie for my husband in YEARS. I was nervous as hell about letting someone see me wearing something so…revealing? I took the tags off and put the nightie on first. Then, I took a deep breath and prepared to slip The Thong on.
That is when I noticed the tags.
And that is when my heart dropped into my vaginal area because OH HELL NO I WILL NOT.
You see, the tags were in the part that I believed to be “the front.” You know, the part that covers your pachina.
thongsarehard.JPG
“WHAT!THE!HELL?!” I thought to myself. “When did they start making them like this?”
I proceeded to put the thong on with the tags in the back. Meaning, THE STRING PART WAS UP ALL UP IN MY FRONT.
I stared at in the the mirror.
“But this is pornographic! I can not go out there like this.” I said to myself, full out outrage with what my eyes were looking at.
I stared in the mirror, trying to place the thong so that it covered the, you know, thing that rhymes with flit just right. I turned around so I could see what it looked like with the little patch o’ panty in the back. I thought “well, that looks kind of cute! BUT THE FRONT! I CAN’T GO OUT THERE WITH THE FRONT ALL EXPOSED LIKE THAT.” I tried to figure out a way to keep the string in just the right place. It wasn’t working so well because any little movement and WHOOPS, THERE GOES THE STRING THING.
I called to Laura and asked her for scissors. She said she had some, but I think she got distracted and forgot. I took the thong off and started trying to tear the tags off. I was pulling so hard, but those mofos would not come off. I was kind of panicking, and about THIS CLOSE from crying. I managed to finally get the tags off and then proceeded to put my thong on in what I perceived to be “backwards.”
The entire experience left me some what traumatized and so I had to bring it up to Laura.
“These are the thongs that you were with the string part in the front.” I said, all seriously, because in my mind “tags go in the back. always. I continued. “I don’t even care, though. I ripped the tags off and put them on backwards.
Laura didn’t say a word. She just looked at me and kind of smiled.
After the photo shoot, I met with Lindsay and Lena for lunch. I was telling them all about my shoot. Of course, I had to bring up The Thong.
“Apparently, I bought one of those thongs that you were the strip part in the front, but I ripped the tags out and wore them backwards because I DON’T EVEN CARE.”
Lena looked at me with that “aww, poor sweetie” face that people have to make at me a lot because sometimes I don’t know how things work.
“Yvonne.” She said, gently. “The tags go in the front because they don’t fit in the back. You weren’t SUPPOSED to wear them with string in the front.”
I felt warm with embarrassment. Suddenly the look that Laura had given me made sense. She KNEW about the tags and that I wasn’t actually wearing them backwards, but she didn’t say anything because HAHAHHAHHAHAHA I ALMOST WORE THEM WITH THE STRING IN THE FRONT BECAUSE THE TAGS WERE IN THE FRONT WHICH NATURALLY MEANT THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO WEAR THEM WITH THE STRING IN THE FRONT AND OH HOLY HELL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD.
Thongs, man.
023

41 thoughts on “The Thong Story

  1. Isabel @AlphaMom

    I’m crying again from laughter.
    Remember what Lena said (sweetly of course):
    “Yvonne, it’s a G-String, not a V-String”
    hahahahahaha

    Reply
  2. TJ

    I’m reading this in an exam room with my fiancé, waiting for his doctor to come in, and I laughed so hard, I couldn’t explain what I was laughing at, so he got jealous and threatened to punch me in the boob. Worth it.

    Reply
  3. Christine

    I love this post because shit like this happens to me all the time. So glad we got to meet in person at BlogHer!

    Reply
  4. Claire

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
    Yvonne you don’t know me, I’m some random English Manc who reads your blog but I swear I’ve had the same thing, I’m as big a gimp as you hahaha
    Keep your blog like this, this is what made it good in the first place. Honesty, real life – not all the self conscious writing.
    I love it, makes me actually LOL
    You’re never on your own – there’s always someone out there who’s a bigger goon than you =)
    And it’s great
    xxxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply
  5. sarah

    longtime reader, first time commenter! what brought me out of the woodwork? well…
    let’s just say i had a similar incident to this. was CONVINCED that tags always go in the back. always. could NOT figure out why this thong was so uncomfortable! upon telling my best friend this (discreetly) while waiting in line for the teacups at disneyland, she proceeded to laugh for a good 20 minutes solid before being able to tell me that for 8 magic filled hours, i was WEARING a thong backwards. nice.

    Reply
  6. Lena

    Still funny!!!! And your face! You looked SO CONCERNED about being a prude. Ahahahahahha!
    Also, I agree with Claire above to “keep your blog like this”. I’m pretty sure that means we want you to put more clothes on backwards for our amusement. You don’t mind, do you?
    Love you!
    xoxoxo

    Reply
  7. ParentopiaDevra

    See, I would have done that too. I tend to put things in my mind and then go with it. Someday you need to remind me to tell you the story about the big storm, only I thought it was crazy landscapers who had hacked the trees, and then I thought the crazy landscapers had cut the power lines by accident. The domino effect of my faulty thinking was ridiculous.
    But you know what? I think you’re like me, and stress makes us stupid. We’re not stupid, but sometimes in the moment we freak and put on thongs backwards…

    Reply
  8. katie

    Holy moly, this post made me laugh so ridiculously hard!!! Mostly because I don’t wear thongs and I am almost 100% positive that I would do the exact same thing!
    (I never comment (almost anywhere) but I so love your blog, you seem like such a genuine person! My blog is sad and forsaken but I will leave teh link :)

    Reply
  9. Karly

    Oh, Y. I literally cringed the entire time I read that. I jus KNEW you were going to go out there with the “flit” showing and then I would have totally died for you. So glad to hear you decided to wear them backwards. Ha!

    Reply
  10. mouthy_broad

    I just laughed so hard I snorted. Thank you for that.
    Been catching up (was in the dark place for a while now) -
    I cried at both posts about mikey. So cruel this world.
    You are a good mother with good kids. I am amazed by how much you share.

    Reply
  11. Missy K

    OMG! I L.O.V.E. U!! I am laughing so hard I am crying! Please never change. Oh & so you know…I would have just said screw the thong & bought extra full coverage panties to go with the nightie so you are WAY more adventurous and braver than me. LOL!

    Reply
  12. Hamlet's Mistress

    Oh my God, woman. I had to keep changing away from your page while reading because I knew if I kept going I would no longer be able to cover my laughter with throat clearing! I had to compose myself and go back to it and read the next sentence or two. So it took awhile… but SO worth it. That’s just hilarious.
    We’re laughing WITH you, honey. You’re laughing, right?
    HM

    Reply
  13. Laura B

    OMG, I am laughing so hard right now!! I completely DID NOT HEAR you saying that when you came out!! Which explains why smiled blankly at you, not registering your embarrassing moment at all. What was I doing? Probably fussing with the corset. Oh what a hilarious moment I missed!! :D

    Reply
  14. Kathy

    Sadly, I would have thought the same thing. In fact I was nodding along with you reading this and it only clicked in my brain when you wrote Lena’s comment. I was all “ohhhhhh”

    Reply
  15. Leah

    Laughing so hard! I don’t wear thongs, I have no urge to have a wedgie all day. My friends say they are comfortable but um no thank you. And the string in the front I totatlly would have done the same thing. I saw one of the pictures from your shoot from Tanis Attack redneck mom on her twitter and you were looking hot!!

    Reply
  16. Sarah

    I’m not a thong person either, but was given a delightful disposable thong-like thing to wear at the beauty salon when I went in for an exfoliation. I tried that damn thing on both ways, round and round, as the back had just enough material for it to be completely confusing. So I feel for you!

    Reply
  17. norm

    Good Lord, that photo of you is STUNNING. I fell out of my chair, and it wasn’t just the uproarious laughter this time.

    Reply

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