Reaching Out.

My husband just walked into the room and noticed the tears forming in my eyes. “Why are you crying?” He asked. I snapped at him. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just having a bad day. Please, don’t ask me again.”
That wasn’t the truth. It’s not just a bad day. It’s a familiar, dark cloud that has been looming over me for the past few weeks. I don’t want to give a voice to that cloud. (But I will give it a name. Asshole.)
I’ve struggled with severe depression in the past, so any time I deal with these feelings, I wonder– could it be? Maybe it is.
Or maybe it’s just PMS.
While I can’t deny they exist, I don’t want to give these feelings power over me. Which is why I just don’t want to talk about it.
What I do want is to be surrounded my family and friends– to laugh, to go to dueling pianos bars and sing and dance. And also? Eat cheesecake.
I want to eat lots and lots of cheesecake.
(Because that’s better than drinking lots and lots of wine, yes?)
This is about as deep as I want to reach into my Feelings at the moment. Thank you for understanding. And for the hugs and kisses I hope you will shower me with.

79 thoughts on “Reaching Out.

  1. Nancy P

    I can so relate. Try to stop, take a breath and see yourself for the beautiful woman you are and oh what a hero to many of us out here. I beat myself up weekly for not having the determination & dedecation you have. AND you manage to do it with THREE kids at home!
    I’m sneding you much love and positive thoughts from Portland.

    Reply
  2. Roxanna

    Absolutely! Many hugs and kisses heading your way. I think you are da bomb, and if I lived closer to you I would totally take you out for cheesecake.

    Reply
  3. MainlineMom

    Oh Y, you are so awesome, and you have gotten through and overcome SO much! You are strong girl, but you go on and eat that cheesecake (yes, its better than a ton of alcohol). And don’t feel like you are too strong to ask for help…which I know you are doing here, but you know what I mean. The blogging community loves you, and we hope you can get your smile back and make that cloud go away. *hugs*

    Reply
  4. Suz

    Hugs! Hugs! Sending you sunshine from Arizona and I hope this passes soon. In the meantime I hope you get plenty of *hugs* and cheesecake.

    Reply
  5. Nicole

    I wish I had something to say to make you feel better, but I’ve been feeling the same today. I just hope that asshole packs his bags and moves away real soon. Hugs.

    Reply
  6. Momma Bear

    You’re not alone. I can understand. I’ve noticed that acknowledging what it for what it is can be enough sometimes, without having to delve into the deeper meaning. Then allow yourself some distractions. Cheesecake is an awesome distraction :)

    Reply
  7. Cynthia

    I’m with Mandy; if this cloud appears (and disappears), it may be more than just a cloud. Meds can help. So can therapy. In my experience, not giving it a voice can make things worse. I hope this does not happen for you. Know that you ARE beautiful and strong, and lots of people out here are cheering for you. Eat cheesecake if helps, too! :)

    Reply
  8. Angella

    Oh, Yvonne. You know I love you. You can call/chat with me any time. If I can finally convince Matthew to move us to California, I will be within hugging distance.
    (Not likely, so here’s a virtual hug.)

    Reply
  9. Steph

    I know exactly how you are feeling, you are not alone! I know we don’t know each other personally but if you need anything please feel free to e mail me. Sometimes its easier to talk to someone you don’t know.
    xoxox

    Reply
  10. eko

    I am reaching out with a virtual hug for you, just for you – Dear Y! You bring so much to my little corner of the world, I don’t know WHY – but you do, and I am less blue for knowing you — Y. Y. I love you!!
    I sang it – and can youtube it if you would like! ;-)
    Hugs and empathy – I know the blues OH too well! :D
    God reigns though – and I will never let the bastard blues win! Nor should you! :D

    Reply
  11. burnurcomputer

    I’ve a hug in my pocket for you. I’m a hugger, just so you know :) Here, let me give it to you. Oh crap, it fell on the floor……no, wait! It bounced up and made a rainbow!!!! Awesome!!!!

    Reply
  12. Marci

    I hope today will be better for you. I will think of you often today; hoping that you find the peace and contentment that you feel is alluding you. You are strong and you will get through this.

    Reply
  13. Lauraldawn

    I don’t comment a lot.
    But this post, I totally understand.
    As someone who has also struggled with depression (or does struggle with it) I know that feeling. And it’s scary. But I also know that when you can identify it you can deal with it.
    My weapon of choice is chocolate.
    And vodka.
    And if worse comes to worst I call my therapist.
    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  14. Kyla

    Thinking of you, Y. We’ll listen if and when you do want to talk. You are well-loved, don’t be afraid to lean on that when you need to.

    Reply
  15. Trin

    ~Assvice Alert~
    Indeed, it’s none of our business, and you don’t have to talk about it here.
    But
    Please, talk to Tony.
    Believe me, I’d give anything for my husband to Just Ask.

    Reply
  16. AA

    Hey, I thought of you the other day while in my doctor’s office. Guess what? I have a thyroid problem. In talking about causes the dreaded Hashimotos (or whatever) was mentioned. In my head I was like “oh hell no, I know about that shit from Y”. I don’t think it is that though. And on top of everything my insurance won’t accept the endocrinologist he wants to refer me to, so I have to find one in network.
    And my house is being partially romodeled and going slowly so everything is in chaos! And the concrete slab they poured on our property yesterday whcih is going to be a workshop and storage area is wrong and will have to be torn up. And I have no energy and/or my heart racce if I try to do anything.
    Feel better now? hahaha. I always try to find friends with worse problems than me so I can feel better about my life. LOL. I volunteer to be that person for you!
    And yeah, talk to Tony. My husband would never ask either. He’s a nice guy, but so not into Feelings. And I know how it is to be the one shut out too. Don’t do that to Pighunter (that still cracks me up)

    Reply
  17. kris

    how acutely i remember not wanting to say the words. knowing they would bury me.
    it took 3 years in therapy i think to finally open. and i didn’t drown, even though it felt like i was drowning. i got my fins and i swam. (my fins were my therapist, of course).
    i commend you on your honesty. and i say the hell with it, eat lots of cheesecake. it’s good for depression AND pms.

    Reply
  18. NM Liz

    I’m normally just a lurker, but I hope the sun comes out from the clouds soon for you! I’d send you cheesecake, but I don’t think it would mail well. I might make it for my family instead. Enjoy the feeling that you’ve created cheesecake cravings in people all over the place. :-)

    Reply
  19. Jules

    Ah yess-Asshole. I hate Asshole. He comes around now and again and leaves me with an extra 10 lbs every time. Bastard.
    I have no wisdom-just hope Asshole gets the hint that he’s not wanted and goes away.

    Reply
  20. Leah

    I understand what you are saying. Pray that is always what I say to do pray. I hope the cloud lifts soon and the bright sun shoves its way thru.

    Reply
  21. MissyK

    Lots of hugs for you. I know how you feel with the depression stuff. I always refer to it as “in my dark place” when I am on the down slope. I just seems like nothing you do makes it better. Remember, all the people that follow your blog are pulling for you & worry about you ((hugs)). Oh & yeah…cheesecake is good :-D

    Reply
  22. Jen @ lifelove'n'wine

    Just keep remembering that you are not alone, and that you have many, MANY people in the world who love and cherish you. I hate that feeling of the depression sneaking back up on you…it will pass. There is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t quite see it yet.

    Reply
  23. Edie

    Depression is a foul and wretched beast. I know because I’ve been caught (periodically since I was about 10 but continuously for the last 2 years) in it’s grip for YEARS.
    *hugs and kisses*

    Reply
  24. JD

    I have read your blog for a while now, and thought I would “de-lurk” for the day. Not sure how I stumbled across you, but I have always enjoyed reading. You are so honest, it is beyond refreshing. From your weight loss struggles, to kids, to spouses, and your social life, there is always something I can relate to. I hope you can find some sunshine in your day and that things get better for you.
    Oh, P.S.- YOU LOOK AWESOME!!! I am so exicted about your 50 lbs mark. I remember a post about your first 10 lbs. 50!? That is just amazing!! Way to go!!!

    Reply
  25. Lar

    I don’t like reaching into my feelings, either. Unfortunately though, sometimes those feelings cause me to reach into too many bags of chips.
    I’m sorry you have a dark cloud right now, and I hope it goes away soon.

    Reply
  26. daniel

    You have to address that cloud, otherwise it will continue to loom there, uncontrollable. By facing it, you’re not giving it voice, but empowering yourself. By not addressing it, that cloud wins, not you. I say this out of love.

    Reply
  27. Shauna

    I know where you’re coming from. I used to feel like this. Then, my OB/GYN diagnosed me with PMDD and I now take an anti-depressant when I need it (which turns out to be about as often as I don’t). It has made the biggest difference in my life – and I see the difference in my kids. When I’m moody, they are no longer totally on edge and afraid of mommy. And that has also helped to know that admitting I need the meds makes my relationship with my kids stronger.
    You are an amazing woman to share with us all the things you do. I wish you all the best as you battle Asshole. I wish I could kick his ass for you, but I believe only you can do that.

    Reply
  28. Jen

    Hey Y. I don’t post often but I have hypothyroidism as well and the depression is common with it. When have you had your levels checked? Also your D levels? I take an anti bitch pill (bc mine manifests in bitchiness, not sadness) and it has made all of the difference in the world. I hope you are able to feel better soon.

    Reply
  29. DogsDontPurr

    Treat yourself. Have a small piece of cheesecake. Maybe you can find a healthy version in the freezer section: Healthy Choice, Weight Watchers, or Skinny Cow all make some type of low fat sweet. I think one of those even makes mini single serve cheesecakes.
    Then go work out. You know that working out always leads to feeling better. (Yeah, I know, I should follow my own advice!)
    ((Big Hugs!!))

    Reply
  30. Marie Green

    Kisses, hugs, and a big healthy dose of DUDE, I TOTALLY GET THIS. Because I do. I too have struggled with depression in the past, and can be in denial about it when it flares up again.

    Reply
  31. jessica b

    Y, just remember this… I read your blog because I envy you. you are a terrific mother and wife. you’re an amazing person. you are a terrific photographer and even though i dont know you in real life, i think that you are one of the most determined and fun people i’ve ever “met”.
    hugs and kisses!

    Reply
  32. Norma

    Depression keeps me from losing weight. I’m afraid, I’m not sure of what. As soon as some one tells me how good I’m looking, it’s the beginning of the end. And then I get depressed.

    Reply
  33. statia

    This is God hating you for dissing on Glee. If you watched it, you’d be like sunshine and rainbows and shit.
    I kid. Seriously, I know where you are. I’ve been on meds for awhile now because of it. Hopefully you’ll find something that helps. Maybe meditation? I suck at it, but I know it helps a lot of people.
    Also? GLEE.

    Reply
  34. Alice

    I hope that hugs and kisses can combine with karaoke, cheesecake, dueling piano bars (? I am unfamiliar, but will wish them upon you regardless!) and that distraction can get you through what it needs to get you through.
    Confronting The Issue is important, but it’s not always the best approach. Sometimes Waiting Until It Sucks Less is the best choice, and I hope that you have many shiny diversions to get you where you need to be.

    Reply
  35. Kristin

    Oh lady, we miss you. Sorry you have been feeling so wretched. We’ll be here whenever you are ready.

    Reply
  36. Donna

    Y~ Just a thought about the depression. Have you had your thyroid levels checked recently? I also have Hashimoto’s; I know that for me, the slightest change in my hormone levels can trigger a bout with depression. As a matter of fact, for me, depression is the most visible symptom of the condition. You might need an adjustment of your thyroid medication; I usually need a small increase when this occurs. After about a week or two of the adjustment, the depression goes away. Hope this is helpful and that you are feeling more yourself soon.

    Reply
  37. Andrea

    I guess as women we are programed to be a little off kilter. I know that I feel this way several times a week and I can never pinpoint why exactly. Thanks for writing and sharing this so that next time I feel this way, I won’t be too embarrassed to speak about it. You’ve always been a trendsetter! Hope things brighten and cheer up a bit for you! I’m always rooting for you and your kiddos. (((HUGS))) Take care.

    Reply
  38. sassy

    I call my crazy Miss Mabelline. And when I feel bad I say “Miss Mabelline has come to visit”. I wish we could have a falling out and she would stop speaking to me. But she keeps showing up. She doesn’t go away just because I named her. But it seems to make me more aware and better equipped to deal with her. That and lots of medication.
    Hang in there. There are a lot of us out there that understand exactly what you are going through. You are not alone.

    Reply
  39. angelynn

    {{{Hugs and kisses}}} Let the tears flow, talk to your family and friends, then listen to your heart. Especially if you’ve been there before you’ll know if you’ve come back. Writing the words here was a huge step. You have the strength and will to take this on whether it’s temporary or not. I’m in the thick of it myself and the more I share with others, the lesser the burden. For me, fear is released through tears. So is anger and shame. You can lean on me for whatever my support is worth. You are an amazing woman. Stay strong. xoxo

    Reply
  40. Judith

    I’ve been in a similar place for the last few weeks so I sympathise very much. Sending loads of love, and hugs, and cheesecake :-) xxx

    Reply
  41. Heather

    I LOOOOOVE that you named your dark cloud.
    I love it EVEN more that it’s named Asshole.
    You know too much now, you won’t let yourself get too far into the yucky places because you recognize it. Give it a little time, talk it though, you know what you’re doing. Trust your instincts.

    Reply
  42. Lena

    Love you, Yvonne!
    Will call you later today to tell you just how much.
    (BTW, I’m going the wine route. Cheesecake just doesn’t put the “drunk” in my “mean” like I like it.)

    Reply
  43. Jeanette

    I hope you are feeling better today and if not I hope it passes soon. I suffer from depression too and know it can be all consuming some times. I spend a lot of time wondering what it’s like to be happy and trying to remember a time when I truly was!

    Reply
  44. C.A.

    Delurking to say that you are LOVED! I enjoy reading your blog when I can. You are SO REAL & likeable.
    Re: the possible PMS drama… have you had your hormones tested? I believe there’s something called a “saliva test”. I’ve been reading “What Your Doctor May NOT Tell You About Menopause” (I’m in my 20′s but my library didn’t have the pre-menopause book!) & I’m shocked at how estrogen levels can play a MAJOR part in a woman’s health, mood, etc. Just a thought… take it or leave it.
    But YES…. you are much admired & a wonderful person. Hope you feel better!

    Reply
  45. Rebecca Grace

    Sending you hugs — I authorize both cheesecake AND wine, and recommend Ben & Jerry’s as well. And then, so you don’t have to feel guilty about calories, I recommend some exercise to burn it off and release some endorphins! Seriously — I get dark clouds too, and I have found that running on the treadmill helps sometimes. I wish you a brighter tomorrow!

    Reply
  46. Kathy

    Thanks for sharing this – I had a little meltdown in front of my kids a few weeks ago and it prompted me (finally) to call my doctor. Things are better now – and I’m happy to say my kids haven’t seen me cry in weeks. I always felt terrible about the crying jags – I don’t think I ever saw my Mom cry.
    Sending positive thoughts your way!

    Reply
  47. Missy P.

    I’m normally a lurker too, but as a kindred spirit who is right there with you in the depths of the darkness (literally getting ready to go pick up some Celexa–please GOD let it work) I just want you to know that you’re not alone. My mom’s doctor told her a few years ago that he thought they should put Prozac in the water :) Eat your cheesecake, drink some wine, cry, hug your kids, and do whatever YOU need to do to feel better. You are an awesome and amazing person and we ALL love you!

    Reply

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