Gym Ra(n)t.

I’m starting to hate the gym.
I should rephrase that.
I’m starting to hate MY gym because my gym is kind of an asshole.
It’s small. There is no child care. They have awesome machines that we are not allowed to use unless we pay for (semi) private sessions with one of their “trainers.”. They added a sauna, but you have to pay extra for it. The aerobics room is tiny and I almost always am tempted to “throw an elbow” because woman don’t respect (aerobic dancing) personal space. The mats are all ripped to shreds and are in desperate need of being replaced.
You know what else? The instructors at my gym are kind of awful. (with the exception of Aerobic Dance Queen, Anna.) The last time when I took Zumba (which, by the way, I need to write about) the instructor constantly talked about food. She would be all “woo! Think of all of the PIES! AND COOKIES! AND ICE CREAM! you can eat after burning all of these calories!” Not EVEN lying.
Here’s the thing.
I have no right to judge my gym. I am a gym Hot Mess.
I fit in perfectly! This gym was made SPECIFICALLY FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME!
Let me give you just a few examples of what I mean.

  • I lost the rubber strap for my Generic mp3 player, so I use my cleavage to hold it when I’m working out or sometimes, I use the string of my sweats and tie that bitch all up in my waist area.
  • I only have 2 pairs of workout pants. And both pair have holes in the crotch. And I can’t find my sewing kit.
  • I can’t control my grunting. Nor can I control my occasional crying on the treadmill (not “sad” crying. But “fuck, yeah, My Body. YOU ARE DOING THIS.” crying.”)
  • My ankle crack. Severely. Like, every single time I take a step, run, squat. If you think I’m exaggerating, here is some actual proof. (Yes. I youtubed that shit. FOR YOU!)
  • Every towel I use at the gym is pretty much COVERED in bleach stains. I can’t bring myself to use my “good towels” to wipe other peoples ass sweat off the bike seat. I just can’t.
  • I am gassy. And gas + any machine involving squeezing the lower half of my body= *pffrtattaaaataa*
  • I have unusually tiny ears. So none of my headphones fit properly in my ears. They’re always falling out, so I’m constantly pushing them back in. And then, sometimes (and when I say “sometimes” I mean “pretty much every time I’m running), while I’m struggling to push one back in, the other one falls out and I lose control of my generic MP3 player and it falls out of my hands, hits the treadmill, goes flying across the gym.

You see? What right do I have to call my gym an asshole for having ripped up floor mats when I am walking around, squatting WITH HOLES IN THE CROTCH OF MY PANTS?
And yet?
I do.
Maybe if my gym tried a little harder, I’d buy some new pants. Maybe if my gym got some new floor mats, I’d go buy a new arm strap for my mp3 player.
Step it up, My Gym. I need some motivation to be a Better Gym Person. I’m not getting it by looking at your broken machines with notes on them since JANUARY 14TH.

38 thoughts on “Gym Ra(n)t.

  1. Suburban Turmoil

    This made me laugh so hard! I wish we could work out together. Strike that. We’d get NOTHING accomplished except maybe laughing so hard we pee our pants on the treadmills!

  2. Marie Green

    Ha, ha. I’m wearing yoga pants with holes in the upper inner thighs right now, and I wore them to the grocery store today too!
    I just one hot mess, period!

  3. Charlaine

    just so you know…I must have really tiny ears too. Those fit inside your ear canal headphones? Yeah…no. And your gym doesn’t give you wiping the sweat towels? That’s messed up.

  4. Becky

    I have unusually small ears too and my fiance bought me Skull Candy headphones that came with different size ear pieces and they are the only ones that have ever fit me.. I’m not sure if you have ever tried them but they are cheap and worth checking out.

  5. Nina

    At least you try. I don’t even try. The crotch holes have made me laugh so hard, you have no idea. hahahahaha

  6. Amy Girl

    Woman you seriously crack me up!
    If you really want a new gym try finding one with “Les Mills” you would love Body Jam.

  7. Kellee

    Ohhhhh, I SO don’t go to the gym. I have a recumbent bike and a weight bench at home. I work out in my underwear at whatever time of day I want. My laptop balances on the bike, so I blog read while doing it. It is heavenly. If I were you, I’d be browsing craigslist and garage sales and move your gym home. You’ll like it more!

  8. Arkie Mama

    You sound like my kind of gym buddy! I can’t wait to read your post on Zumba. I’ve been going to classes since August and love, love, love it.

  9. Lydia

    You are awesome!! Thanks for putting together a list of.. well.. me too!
    I gave up with the gym and just use a Wii Fit instead these days because I’m always such a mess when I work out lol

  10. Jules

    damn that was funny! Thank you!
    I’m so with you on the towel thing and the gas issue. There’s a reason I won’t do yoga or pilates. It’s impossible to do those poses with your butt cheeks clenched together,

  11. Lisa

    Okay so I can relate to ALMOST all of this…the ankles popping, the earbuds falling out of tiny ears, and the whole towel thing…I guess I could always just get my own towel but yanno, that would be too easy..

  12. p

    I burp a lot on one particular machine. It just compresses my tum and then I sound like a gross adolescent boy. Also, I have a hole in my one pair of workout pants. I wish you were my workout buddy :-)

  13. ~ifer

    I hate all gyms, but honestly? I would hate the ritzy one even more. I would feel much more at home in the one you described because I would feel that it is okay to get sweaty and unattractive and still fit in.

  14. Lauraldawn

    This post cracked me up. Mostly because that is so me! My mp3 player – also broken and resides in my cleavage (and the boob sweat on it is proof of my workout). And, I also pull my pants way up (they are fold over and I unfold them).
    And … because I’m a super early morning gym person, when I am just not getting into my workout and I’m listening to a good song I start to sing along. And no one cares because it’s that type of a gym.
    I could hate it, but really I kind of love it. I’ve joined gyms that are more elite, and all the beautiful people who run on the treadmills and don’t sweat get me so frustrated.
    Also, re: tiny ears. Same. I have tried a million types of earbuds, and the only ones that work for me are the cheap, hot pink ones that cost me $10. I have no idea, but it completes my look and I just don’t care.

  15. Tiffany

    If I had a buddy like you I might actually go to the gym! You had me cracking up girl, seriously tears and all!

  16. Anonymous for obvious reasons

    I’m going anonymous on this one. Because once I took a stretching class at my local Y. We had this crazy stretch we had to do where we had to put our legs up in the air then slowly let them down. I was the only girl in class and when I put my legs down, I let out this huge queeve.
    The worst part was pretending like I farted so I didn’t have to admit to queeving (or queeveing? no idea).

  17. Nancy P

    This is too funny and I can so relate. I have only one pair of gym pants and 2 shirts. Half the time I forget my towel so I am running to the paper towel dispenser.
    Oh and also…..I haven’t been to the gym since October. I suck.

  18. ella

    Buy your own mat. I never use gym mats.
    Can you say GROSS!! Cooties!!!
    When I used to belong to a fancy yoga studio they sprayed the mats down after each class but I still brought my own.

  19. MomZombie

    I like to crank up the i-Pod when I use cardio machines. This takes away all self-awareness. I’m just into the music. When I turn it off and realize how quiet the room is, I start to wonder how noisy I was huffing and puffing and groaning and singing in my off-key way oblivious of those around me. Also, I’ve launched my i-Pod off the treadmill and into stationery bike riders on more than one occasion.

  20. AA

    Oh, I love you so much. Thanks for the laugh. And, wow, that ankle popping is really something. Your voice is way softer and sweeter than I was expecting. I totally hate my voice on video.

  21. Leah

    I walk and use my walking tapes. I haven’t been to a gym. I have been know to walk with light pink pants with flower chonies underneath. Couldn’t care less. Keep going!

  22. Cincy

    Anon–It’s queef. Don’t ask how I know. Also, Y! You deserve a better gym. That place blows. You’re paying, right? Switch! Good for you on working out. I’m doing The Shred…when I do it.

  23. Suzanne

    Y…you CRACK ME UP! I love your posts! I just have this image in my head of you ipod flying across the gym….HA! And reading all the comments is seriously making me laugh out loud with tears streaming down my face! BTW, earphones never stay in my ears either and they hurt! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

  24. FireMom

    Oh, good. I thought I was the only one who was passing gas at the gym. It was REALLY bad during yoga the other night. During cool down so it was WAY quiet. The horror.

  25. Nicole

    Ha, I love reading your gym posts! We go to the YMCA and love it. So far no barbie dolls walking around and everything is in good shape :) Almost all classes are free & the kids can work out too if they are over 10. And we can always take advantage of a free 2 hours by dropping Ry off at the kids center!
    They have these Yurtopia yurbuds that are fitted to your ears. I heard they are awesome for runners & they are only $20.

  26. Christine

    I LOVE my gym! I found it through a flyer at a shop around here and when I looked it up on yelp, it had a perfect 5 star rating by everyone. it’s a small, local gym with only one location but they have EVERY Les Mills class, a beautiful yoga temple, spinning room, workout floor, classroom, clean locker room, good staff, etc. I am so happy with my gym… I love it. I was going to a big, chain gym before this one and I am so glad I changed and looked into one. they also give me a student discount so I pay less than half of what I did at the other gym but everything is even nicer! you should def look into a new gym with better facilities bc it’s really motivating :)

  27. Lena

    First, the title of this post is awesome.
    Second, “Maybe if my gym tried a little harder, I’d buy some new pants” should be your new tagline. I’m glad you didn’t waste that line on Twitter like I probably would’ve.
    (Apropos to nothing: And by “flowers in your hair” I mean “my ****”. Still funny!)

  28. Melissa @MBonn

    I so hear you on the headphones! My ears are tiny, I legit can not get the apple ear buds (or anything like them) in my ears. My husband got me these,
    They actually fit in my ears! And they *stay* there and don’t hurt. They’re $30 on the Griffin site but I know my husband didn’t pay that for them and I’m sure you can get them cheaper on amazon or something. Seriously, not trying to promote griffin or anything, but they’re so worth it.

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