To Sum it All Up– Naked, Soapy, Joy, Upgrade.

Last month me and my husband celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. People tend to assume that we must be Really Good At Marriage. “19 years!” They say. “How DO you do it?”
Here’s the thing. We’re not very good at marriage. I mean, we love each other, obvs. We love our family, double obvs. But we don’t nurture our relationship the way that we should.
Let me give you an example: The last time we had spent a weekend alone together was when I was pregnant with our second child– 13 years ago!.
There really isn’t an excuse for this, other than the one we use every time we even THINK about planning a weekend getaway.
“We can’t afford it.”
This year, we promised each other we were going to plan a weekend in Vegas for our anniversary.
“No more excuses!” I said. “We’re doing this!”
Then, work slowed down for PigHunter. And unexpected adjusted tax bills came in the mail.
So, I canceled the trip.
Even though we had money saved.
Even though it was going to cost next to nothing.
“It’s the responsible thing to do!” I said. And PigHunter agreed.
But really, no. It wasn’t. We weren’t taking a luxurious cruise that was going to cost thousands of dollars. We were going to Vegas, where I could get a room for $60 on Hotwire.com. I mean, seriously, what the hell, Us?
Our marriage was worth that $60 room.
I booked the room, got a sitter and off to Vegas we went to make our marriage stronger. ( and when I say “make our marriage stronger” I mean “play quarter slots and have lots of naked sex.”)
The drive to Vegas was smooth, no fights, no arguments. Only lots of excitement about naked sex and quarter slots. And possibly, buffets. However, once we arrived in Vegas, things started to fall apart.
“You know how to get to The Strip, right?” I ask as we entered Vegas.
“No. But I assume the signs will tell us where to go.” He said.
“True, so we should just see our hotel when we’re on The Strip, right?” I asked.
“Yeah. It’s not a big deal.” He replies, all High and Mighty-ish. “We’ll find our hotel.”
20 minutes and a Lots of Cuss Words later, we were at the end of The Strip and our hotel was no where in sight. Thanks to my G1, we finally found the hotel. However, that’s when the REAL fun started.
We pulled into what my husband, who has a Masters in Knowing All Things, was SURE was the Harrah’s parking lot. I had suggested perhaps, maybe, we were in the wrong place. He assured me that he was right, I was wrong. “I think you’re wrong.” I said. “but, WHATEVER.”
We parked and as we walked to the hotel, I kept asking “are you sure we’re in the right place?”
Suddenly, he was only “95%” sure.
We got into the elevator with all of our suitcases, camera’s sweaters and jackets. I saw a sign that said “Imperial Palace.” I pointed, all “YOU WERE WRONG” like. “So, you still think we’re in the right place?”
He wasn’t willing to admit defeat just yet. So, we got off the elevator and started walking. Even though we both knew we were at the wrong hotel. I finally had enough, so I verbally communicated my feelings, (something along the lines of “I’M SO PISSED HOLD MY BAGS I HAVE TO PEE YOU JERK.”) he tried not to laugh, we turned around and left to find the correct hotel parking lot.
Long story short. We found it. He dropped me off to check in while he parked.
“Next, please” the man at the check in counter called out. I handed him my credit card, he looked up my reservations.
“Would you like to upgrade to the jacuzzi suite?” He asked
“How much?” I asked.
“$75.”
I thought about it. And as I thought about it, I felt what can only be described as Joy in the Pants. The Cheap in Me was all “don’t listen to the Joy (in your pants.) Be responsible! Say no!” But the Joy in my Pants was all “NAKED SOAPY BODIES FUN NAKED!”
Joy in the Pants won.
I upgraded the room.
I didn’t tell PigHunter about the upgrade. I figured I’d let him be surprised once we got up to the room. I opened the door. We looked around and he goes “wow, this is really roomy. I can’t believe we only paid $60 for this!” I giggled. “I upgraded to the suite… check it out.” I took him by the hand and led him to the jacuzzi.
Instant Joy in HIS Pants!
He didn’t even care about how much! He just cared about “how long til we were both naked and soapy!”
It took about EXACTLY 6 seconds of looking at the jacuzzi for the Joy in my Pants to turn into Fear of Bacteria and Disease. The excitement of I felt (in my pants) when I heard the words “jacuzzi” and “suite” had temporarily shutdown the OCD portion of my brain because not once did the thought of Other Peoples Sex register while I was handing over my credit card to upgrade. But now that I was there, face to face with it, that’s all I could think about. And there’s nothing that will kill sexual excitement quite like threat of getting an STD.
Meanwhile, PigHunter was standing there wondering “how long til we’re naked in this thing?”
I convinced him that we should go out for dinner before getting naked and (possibly, catching a disease.)
We headed out looking for some of the places that twitter had suggested. However, somehow, we found ourselves in line at the Harrah’s buffet. (Which, by the way, WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. Next time, I’m listening to twitter.)
After dinner, we decided to take a walk. Just outside of the hotel, there was an outdoor bar. A cover band was playing. “Oh, let’s go!” I shouted, as I grabbed his hand and led him down the stairs. Cover bands are one my favorite things about Vegas. Let me rephrase that. Old Ladies in tight leather pants dancing nastily to cover bands is my absolute favorite thing about Vegas. And man, were there plenty of them at this place. It was pure Vegas Magic.
We stood there for at least 30 minutes, watching, pointing, laughing, but also admiring. I love people who don’t give a shit what other people think and just enjoy themselves. You know?
Something you should know about my husband is that he doesn’t like to dance. (Probably because he is stuck in the 80′s when it comes to dancing.) The only time we have ever danced together was when we used to go line dancing in Orange County. We’d do the Cowboy Cha Cha together (and also the Boot Scootin’ Boogie. NO LIE.) That was years ago. We haven’t danced together since. So, imagine my surprise when I asked him to dance to a Cheesy Cover of Poison (as in Bel Biv Divoe’s song, not Brett Michaels band.) and he said “yes!”
We took the floor and that’s when the real magic happened.
My husband began to dance.
I tried to let him be himself, I tried to just be glad he was out there with, I really did. Who am I to judge? I can’t dance either. However, I also don’t move my arms like I’m dancing at a Hoe Down. So, I kind of felt like I should say something. I walked over and gently grabbed his arms. “Simmah down with the Hoe Down Arms, babe.” I said. He laughed and did it even harder, which made me laugh. (I’m so glad he has a sense of humor. If he had walked up to me and let’s say, grabbed my ass and said “Simmah down with the Ho Ass Movements” I would have BEEN SO PISSED.
I decided to embrace Hoe Down Arms and just have a good time. They kind of grew on me, to be honest. The more I think about it, the more I believe the world would be a little better if we all could be so lucky to have moves like this.

I’m not going to tell you the Juicy Details about all of the sex we had later that night, but I will say that I was able to get over my fear of disease to enjoy the jacuzzi, but only after I made my husband rinse it down for an hour with hot water. (Even then, I was still worried and disgusted and SHUT YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW IF YOU’RE EVEN THINKING OF TELLING ME HOW MANY DISEASES I PROBABLY HAVE NOW.) What I will tell you is that the $75 I spent on the upgrade was possibly the best money we’ve ever spent. Two weeks later, we still can’t stop talking about that night and are already planning another trip to do it again.
ahh, yeah
looking good, mr. husband

vegas
he's all "mmmm, hot dog"
leaving las vegas

45 thoughts on “To Sum it All Up– Naked, Soapy, Joy, Upgrade.

  1. Nancy P

    Well that right there was just too fun to read!
    And the dancing video, what a bonus. You guys are so damn cute. :)

  2. Jill

    I absolutely love the fact that your husband let you post a video of him dancing. I love it! Glad you decided to take the trip. You deserved it!

  3. Ines

    I don’t normally comment, but I want to thank you for writing this. I have been with my husband for twelve years and we have been making the same excuses! I will show him this when he gets home. You and your husband are adorable.

  4. Nina

    this whole post & video has made me laugh so hard. hahahahahahaha
    Also, I’ve used a hotel jacuzzi tub before (not for sex, though) and I just put the disease thoughts out of my mind because I was NOT passing up the relaxation of the jacuzzi.

  5. Mit

    Please do not tell me the last picture is the traffic you endured returning to the valley.
    OMG … Southern California traffic torture is ALWAYS at the end of every weekend, isn’t it?

  6. Y

    Yep. That was traffic and it started AT STATE LINE. Took us 3.5 hours to get there and 6 hours to get home. We kind of lost our minds at hour 4.

  7. Lena

    OMG. What is going to happen on New Year’s Eve when Tony gets together with The Funky Chicken ( aka Chris)??
    Awesomeness, that’s what.
    Happy Anniversary.
    /monotone

  8. Kim

    My husband does a similar dance but I call the white boy arms. Looks the same but the elbows don’t leave his sides, instead his shoulders move up and down. Lord, I hope my white boys will grow up with more rhythm!
    Glad you guys made the trip!

  9. Kristen

    That right there might be my favorite blogpost of all time. It has sex! It has potential disease! It has dangerous dancing! I can’t believe you got your husband to do that on camera. Know how you’ve been married for 19 years? You guys are h*i*l*a*r*i*o*u*s. Happy Anniversary!

  10. apricoco

    So, um.. I’ve had soapy nasty sex with my husband at a motel in Brasil. And motels in Brasil are.. ahem… rented by the hour, not used much for sleeping. But you can get condoms and sex toys from room service! Anyway, I didn’t come down with the clap or anything, so I’m sure you’ll be fine. LOL
    Happy Anniversary.

  11. Kelley

    I am totally down with the jacuzzi lovins! My husband and I stayed in a hotel on our wedding night and they had one – it was so awesome and I’m glad I have such a nice memory of my wedding night. I did end up coming down with a yeast infection over the course of the honeymoon but no lasting diseases. :-)

  12. Nicki

    There’s nothing like risking a disease for love! How can you put a price on that?
    So glad you had a nice Vegas vacation. (PS. You apparently didn’t hear that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, you crazy blogger!) ;)

  13. Missy

    1. You look really, really good.
    2. Tony dancing is about the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. The fact that he let you record him & put it up here speaks volumes about the awesome guy he must be :)
    3. Jacuzzi was certainly thoroughly cleaned before you checked in. If you don’t have a rash right now, I’d say you’re good.
    4. Good for you both for taking time for your marriage. Happy Anniversary!

  14. KarateMom

    My husband and I try to go away for at least one night very year for our anniversary and I ALWAYS find a room with a jacuzzi tub! So much FUN! WHEW!
    Love the dancing!

  15. Tamara

    I have GOOD NEWS for you!! You cannot get an STD from the jacuzzi. Seriously. Any bugs the last naked soapy folks had are long dead, not waiting around for you to pick them up.
    Glad you had fun!

  16. AA

    Thanks. I love the hoe down arms. Just never knew what to call them. You do just have to embrace that kind of stuff. My husband has the geekiest, corniest sense of humor– really not funny– but it cracks me up when he even tries.

  17. Pam

    Y, you dog! You look so hot and PH looks so cute. Good on you for getting away. You look like teenagers! The Joy in your Pants cracked my shit up!! :-)

  18. Charity

    You two are SO CUTE!!! And your hubby is one sexy dancer! I hope my husband and I are able to have that much fun together when we’ve been married as long as you.

  19. claire

    You know, people who don’t give a shit what people think do it a whole lot better when there’s noone “pointing and laughing”. Know what I mean?
    And your bloke is gorgeous. Just let the guy be
    Claire

  20. Y

    We weren’t literally pointing and laughing at people. Well, except for the one girl who got drunk off her ass and was doing stupid shit on the dance floor. I may have pointed her out a few times, or maybe just when she lifted up her shirt and was rubbing her boobs.
    As for those just having a good time– love those people. they make life more interesting.

  21. Denise

    I think the hoedown arms are pretty fly haha
    thanks for making me laugh
    glad you had such a good time!

  22. Lisa

    Your snickering in the background is almost as funny as his dancing. Just loved that. He’s cracking himself up !! What fun!

  23. claire

    Well, I suppose tit-rubbing on the dance floor does warrant a bit of gawping
    Seriously though, your fella is so gorgeous in the video. Arms and all! He just seems so…i don’t know, sweet.
    You’re a lucky lady!

  24. Suburban Turmoil

    AWESOME! So glad you went! My husband and I decided to do the tourists in downtown Nashville thing for our anniversary this past summer- We spent the night downtown in a really nice hotel and went to all the bars on Broadway. We had so much fun, we want to do it every year. I’ll have to see if the Hermitage Hotel has a Jacuzzi suite! :D

  25. Lisa P

    AWESOME! I think you and your sweet hubby have a great thing going. No relationship is perfect, but if someone says they don’t fight, it’s likely that they don’t communicate, and probably have no relationship at all.
    I think you’re so blessed!
    Lisa

  26. Meemo

    The hoe down arms aren’t so bad. And what a great sense of humor that he let you tape him dancing.
    I’m having my 18th anniversary this month and you’ve inspired me to do something extra special. Although it is tough when your anniversary is 2 days before Christmas.

  27. Amy M

    my husband and i are also in the ‘there’s no money for that’ boat so i’m so glad you and pighunter went for it! and had a great time!! sometimes it’s those types of memories that help you along! so glad you had a great time!

  28. Danin

    Next time you are in fear of The Jacuzzi Germs, just bring some dishwasher detergent tablets with you. Fill the jacooz with hot water and throw in a tablet and run it for 15 minutes and it will be as close to sanitized as you can get. Trufaxs, yo.

  29. Desiree

    the hubs and I went to vegas for our honeymoon and stayed at harrahs, so might be our cooties you’d catch. good thing for you we’re really clean people…in a we like to have sex in the jacuzzi kinda way. too much? oh well. *loves*

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