Trying to NOT Get Diabetes is HARD. Especially When Your Body Apparently WANTS to Get Diabetes. OR SOMETHING.

The last time that I wrote about my weight and the never ending battle to lose some was on August 20th.
When I wrote that, almost 2 months ago, I was 210, down from 237. I spoke of how I had began taking metf*ormin after being diagnosed as “insulin resistant.” I wrote about how wonderful it felt to finally see the results of my many hours at the gym. I wrote about how I was only 11 MOFO POUNDS AWAY from being under 200 pounds.
One would think that by now, I would have lost those 11 pounds and finally weigh less than 200 pounds.
But, no.
I am currently 206 pounds. Only down 4 pounds since August 20th.
That’s right. I said “only.”
I’m trying to focus on the positive– I’m stronger. I have more energy. I feel much more like myself. Every time I run a mile on the treadmill (without stopping! That’s important for you to know!) I have to fight back tears of joy because a year ago, I couldn’t walk on the treadmill without almost passing out. (More on THAT later.) There truly are positive things happening with my body.
But The Weight.
The God Bless It Weight.
Losing weight is no longer about feeling great in a pair of jeans. Losing weight is about not getting diabetes. It’s about not getting heart disease. (To go along with my thyroid disease and my metabolic syndrome.)
In Bed 5, Emergency Room, With Chest Pains (last week.)Last week I found myself in bed 5 of the emergency room at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. Chest pains. Heart palpitations. Even though everything checked out fine (Chest wall muscle aches, PVS) it was a kick in the ass reminder of what could happen to me in the very near future if I don’t lose this weight.
I’m down 31. And that’s good. That’s better than no pounds, but it’s NOT!ENOUGH!
And I’m afraid it never will be, no matter how many medications I take or how many hours I spend in the gym. That’s what it’s starting to feel like. Like it’s just never going to happen.
Because that’s been my reality for the past 2 years of my life.
It’s frustrating beyond any words I could type here.
I keep telling myself to stay positive! To focus on the achievements, no matter how small they be. “YOU CAN AND YOU WILL DO THIS!” I say to myself as I do 100 butt crunches in the gym.
But right now? Right THIS VERY MOMENT. I feel like it’s a losing battle and it’s depressing the hell out of me.
If only I could get below the 200 mark. That would be such a huge mental breakthrough. Just doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to happen. I won’t give up, I can’t give up, but OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP.

43 thoughts on “Trying to NOT Get Diabetes is HARD. Especially When Your Body Apparently WANTS to Get Diabetes. OR SOMETHING.

  1. Miss Britt

    Feelings are just feelings, Y. It’s OK.
    It’s what you DO that matters. If you’re DOING the right things, have faith in them. Do them more.
    Hold on to the doing – and don’t be afraid of the feeling.
    (How was that? ;-) )

  2. joepennant

    Feelin ya. Scary. Same thing here.
    Eventually I found a scapegoat. High Fructose Corn Syrup. Hard to avoid.
    Ive been off the stuff the past few years. Only now is my blood sugar not staying stubbornly high and my blood pressure has come down. And yes, Ive lost weight.
    In any case, good wishes Y.

  3. Y

    Britt and Joe,
    Even if you’re the only 2 people who comment, I am so glad I wrote this because your responses are both VERY HELPFUL. I appreciate you taking the time to try to help. I know I’ll get through this, especially with encouragement like this.
    xoxo

  4. Ninotchka

    Funny, I just commented on a friend’s post about the same thing: WEIGHT. I’m struggling. Big time. I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 8 years. I’ll spare you the sob story but I’m with you. The things that worked before don’t work now. I, too, am feeling like it’ll never happen. Fuck.

  5. Liz

    Don’t give up!
    I did Weight Watchers five plus years ago and was almost to my goal but then life got in the way and I gained it all (plus some) back. Even though I THOUGHT I was eating well and working out, the scale didn’t move down. Only up. So I rejoined WW on Monday, have been following it almost perfectly (still not drinking enough water, but getting there) and even though it’s only been a couple of days, I stepped on the scale this morning, and it was down 2 lbs. I still have a lot to lose, but it was so great to finally see the scale go down after years of only going up.
    31lbs is a huge accomplishment. I know you can lose 6 more and get under 200. I know it.

  6. Jurgen Nation

    You will NOT GIVE UP. None of us will let that happen. At your worst, we are here to help you get back to feeling your best. Miss Britt above is right about the high fructose corn syrup. Maltodextrin and any of the -ose ingredients are generally just foul. But you already know all this, I know. It just bears repeating.
    Also worth repeating, no matter how many times you hear it, is that the body plateaus just when you start to feel in charge. What has worked for me in the past is to turn up the dial on the ass kicking. 10 more minutes here, an extra day there, an apple versus granola, etc., it all adds up. And if you keep giving your plateau the stink eye, you WILL break through it. You have already done so much and it’s easy to get in the habit of thinking that it’s not enough. It is. You’re amazing for coming as far as you have. With determination and fight you’ve completely changed how you look at yourself and your life. More will happen, just keep working through it. And I’m also saying this to myself because JEEEEEBUS. I’ve been working out since July and haven’t had the results I want, but I know they’ve got to be coming. Take solace in the fact that if you do everything right, you can’t be doing anything wrong. The body HAS to respond if you’re doing the right things.
    Also? Dairy. I just found this out recently – dairy kills me. Insta-puff. Maybe try giving it up for a week or two and see how you feel?
    Sorry to comment-jack. Be proud of yourself, because in a sea of faces in your fan-dom, we’re all so proud of you.

  7. Aimee Greeblemonkey

    Oh Y, I so relate to this post on about a million levels. Not only the weight, but the fracking diabetes which I have been dealing with for 7 years now. I have been on Metformin since then and they just added glyburide which feels like total failure.
    Email me if you ever want to talk.

  8. Roxanna

    ((HUGS)) Y – I completely get you on the mental block comment. It bites doesn’t it.
    So sorry to know you were at Emergency. How scary for you (on a lot of levels)! Glad everything checked out okay.
    The main thing is, is that you haven’t given up with taking care of yourself. You’ll get to where you want to be. I’m not sure I would be as good about it all as you are. Hang in there Doll!

  9. Headless Mom

    Women seem to plateau easier than men. Hang in there-you’ll bust through this and pretty soon we’ll be hearing cheers of passing the mark that seems so far. I know it’s not. (BTW, if you ever want to join me I walk a bunch during the week-always onTuesday evenings, at the HS track, 6pm. I’d love a partner if you have the time to spare!)

  10. J

    Don’t give up, Y!
    I have been reading here for about 2 years and haven’t commented yet, but after I read this post I just had to. You have shared your weight and health (and personal) struggles with us and I have rooted for you from afar – I know it’s so unfair and difficult to have these problems and stress and the frustration of feeling like you’re not succeeding. But please don’t forget that you *are* succeeding – you have lost a lot of weight, you’ve showed how strong and determined you can be. It shouldn’t be so hard, but since it is, I think you are amazing for continuing to work and bust your ass to take care of yourself. Lots of people in your situation would give up trying – you’re too tough for that. You can do this!
    Please know there are folks out here in the world thinking of you and cheering you on from the sidelines. You are not alone. Big hug!

  11. Rebecca

    I bet you can do it. In fact, I’m so sure that I’ll give up cheese if you don’t do it.
    If you knew my deep, meaningful love of cheese and the hell my life would be without it, you’d know that I wouldn’t risk it on a long shot. You’re a sure thing, lady.

  12. Eii

    Y. giving up – NEVER! I was up to almost 240 (before the birth of my 3rd son) – and had to take insulin shots five times a day because of getting adult onset type 2 diabetes. I DID get down below 200 (after years and years…) and creeping back to it. Will slowly start running…walking (couch to 5k) I am not going to die because of anything FAT related. I am no longer on metaformin or any meds, and will not fall back. IF I can you can Y.
    Prayers and hugs! NEVer GIVE UP – never

  13. Arkie Mama

    Plateaus suck. But they are a part of weight loss, and you will overcome them along the way. I was stuck at 165 from August 2008 to May 2009. It about drove me round the bend. I finally changed up my workouts. Not just once, but regularly. I wanted to keep my body guessing. I’m down to 151, which means I’m probably due to hit another plateau. You’ve got the motivation and drive. It will happen for you. And my gosh, think about what you’ve lost so far. I can tell from your photos how hard you’ve been working! You’ll do this, I promise.

  14. Suzy Q

    Have you asked any of your doctors about anti-anxiety meds? Might save you future trips to the ER. I’m on low-dose Tranzine (chlorazepate) and it helps to just take the edge off. No zombie shit or anything like that.

  15. Marilyn (A Lof of Loves)

    I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes four years ago. It was a shock and a kick in the pants. Since then I’ve lost weight, had a kid, lost that weight, had another kid, and am now losing weight again (no more kids!). It’s tough there’s no doubt. I’ve been on my plateau for months and it really is frustrating. I don’t have the answer besides hard work. But hard work is HARD! And it can really get you down when the weight just sticks around. Hang in there.

  16. k

    You are inspiration, I love your blogs about weight loss, even if the scale isn’t going down, you are inspiring so many. You efforts are well applauded and the fact that you are doing it for your health. Hang in there, pray, pray, pray and then pray some more.

  17. Beth

    I’m a new reader of your blog and I love it. You are a wonderful writer!
    I also struggle with my weight. BIG TIME (no pun intended). After losing 80 pounds (and looking great, I have to say), I lost it all back plus 50 maybe??? I’m trying to find the motivation to get back on track but it’s been unbelievably hard. Your post just inspired me to do so.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. xoxo

  18. Denise

    oh Y that just sucks. I don’t blame you for feeling that way at all. Personally, I really admire what you’ve accomplished. But I know you just want to reach your goal. I really believe you will.
    I hope you do write about how you used to feel like you were going to pass out on the treadmill, because I’m kind of there right now.

  19. Laura Lohr

    You won’t give up, because there is no “Y” in quit! :) I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be for you. At the same time, one year ago, 31 pounds lost would have been near impossible. You haven’t given up yet and you have made progress. That 4 pounds was a LOSS, not a gain, and not a true plateau. How cool is that?
    I am starting a fitness challenge on Sunday with about 10 ladies (so far) and I think it would be awesome if you wanted to join in on the fun! We are going to focus on eating healthy, getting our exercise, drinking our water, taking care of ourselves AND encouraging each other. I posted some info on my blog, if you are interested.

  20. C

    I am delurking (sort-of) and feel like I should preface this with an apology – this will kind of go against the grain of all the kind and inspiring comments above. Please believe, it isn’t meant to. I’ve read your blog for ages and love it – your honesty and humour in the face of some of the crap you have had to deal with is so inspiring.
    But! But – I wonder, have you ever read any of the FA (fat acceptance) blogs? They may not be for you, and this suggestion is not to say you shouldn’t take the risk of diabetes and heart disease very seriously, but you might find something there that helps you rethink your guilt and shame and frustration over your weight.
    I say this becasue it has helped me immensely with the same issues and every day I am grateful I stumbled across the movement.
    Back to lurking now :) Keep writing the good write.
    C

  21. mouthy_broad (michele)

    that is very scary. but you can run a mile without stopping! the exercise is great for your heart even if the scale hurts you. that is way better than many many people.
    the whole thing sucks and i am sorry. seems so unfair. anyone else who worked out that much would be thin. course this goes back to the judgment overweight people get when a lot of times nothing is as it seems. there are overweight people working out and eating healthy and there are thin couch potatoes who eat mcd’s every other day. it is not fair. most thin people don’t earn it. i know that doesn’t really help but sometimes it helps me to remember it.

  22. Trini

    Y, It’s rough, especially when the first dozen (or two) pounds just melts off on the metformin.
    The thing to remember,(as I think someone else above me said but I can’t find it again) Last Year you wouldn’t have believed us if we told you that you would be anywhere near 200 lbs.
    Take a breath and don’t let this freak you out.
    I’ve ended up trying karate of all things to try and get over my own personal plateau, and you know what ? I am having fun doing it !!

  23. maya

    Yvonne – you are stronger than you know. Weight is a touchy subject for many people, and I applaud you for writing about it. I have so many posts in my drafts about it, but I dont dare hit publish.
    I am so glad that you are ok, and that nothing was srsly wrong. As for the weight thing, take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I know that’s what I do- every single day. With my twins I gained 60 lbs (of course, most ppl e say “well, you had twins”- but they were preemies. My reason- pizza.)
    60 pounds of shame. It has taken me almost 2 years to lose 40 of them. A very tough 2 years. I still have more to go, and for me… it seems like it might never happen. All we can do is take it day by day, hour by hour and KNOW that we are doing the best we can.
    HUGS.
    Dont give up.

  24. Overflowing Brain (Katie)

    I don’t think I can even begin to tell you how impressed I am that you’ve gotten those 31 pounds off. You have fought against so many elements, but you didn’t quit and there are simply SO many people who are unwilling to even try what you’ve done.
    You’re brave, you’re strong and you will break the 200 mark. And it will be my favorite blog post of all time.

  25. julia Johnston

    I don’t know if you have considered something like this but might help you…my husband is 30 and has had type 2 diabetes for 7 years we both just started this diet 3 weeks ago and it is going REALLY well. They are known in toronto ontario to severly reduce if not stop diabetes high blood pressure high chol. etc… visit this web site http://www.poondiet.com (its so good that it is actually a program covered on our heath care-so no out of pocket)… if you are interested I could email you/fax you some details…Might be something that would work for you???
    Hope whatever you choose that the right things happen for you at the right times! I feel your pain (my weightloss journey started at 245 so I know)…
    Julia

  26. Leah

    Don’t give up!! You can do this. Do you have any friends that can be on the journey with you? How many calories are you eating a day? I ask that only to help, I know you have medical issues that is causing this weight not to come off I just would like to help. Any room for lowering some of them? I am trying to lose weight right now too. It is a daily struggle. I have been seeing some results though. I have cut down my portions (still eat pretty much anything I want but I don’t drink soda and stay away from candy) and try to stay between 1200-1500 calories a day. When I really tracked how many calories I was eating it was over 2100 a day!! I am using the Leslie Sansone walk a way the pounds and Richard Simmons work out tapes. If you ever want to email me I would love to support you.

  27. lani

    Hugs. You’re doing great, Y. I’m following a very clean diet (not diet as in a diet, but diet as in what I’m eating) right now for a competition I have coming up. If you’re interested in trying it out for just a week, e-mail me. I think you’d see results when your done, but I’m not sure because I’m not a medical expert on thyroid stuff. But it might be worth a try? One thing I can promise you… you will be hungry. ;) But it’s only for a week. You could try doing it every other week and see how it works for you. Whatever the case, please don’t give up. You’re doing GREAT! And you’ve been looking great, too.

  28. Mary

    I saw the Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman recommendation and had to second it. This is a must read. Your will is so strong – I think this could really help! Hang in there!

  29. Stefanie

    But I heard you are down 2 more from this post so YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  30. Nancy Mehegan

    MYSTERY SOLVED — BREAD!! STOP EATING IT!! I’ve had trouble with weight for years. I met a woman recently who told me “Stop eating the bread. It’s DOUGH, and the dough ends up on your body”. Guess what? I listened — and the weight is dropping off every day. I AM ECSTATIC.
    example: When I eat a breakfast sandwich I only eat the egg & a little piece of bread. (just allow a little bread — whole grain )

  31. oceanbug

    I feel your pain, i too struggle with my weight, i am 5’2 and weigh around the same as you!
    I am SERIOUSLY thinking gastric bypass right now!

  32. Belle

    Y, check out http://www.bodybugg.com
    It’s an expensive little device but it tells you exactly how many calories you burn during the day and how many you need to burn each day to meet a goal you set (i.e. if I want to lose 2 lbs a week I have to burn 1,000 calories a day ABOVE AND BEYOND the calories I consume). It tells you how many calories to consume each day, and sets goals for number of steps to take and minutes of activity you need per day. The website can explain it better than I can.
    I do WW which is great for knowing what I am putting IN my body, but I’ve struggled my whole life with figuring out how much I *really* needed to exercise to make a difference. In my case, I have to exercise A LOT (like 1.5 hours a day of cardio) to make a dent in my weight. Bodybugg shows me exactly what I need to do.
    With WW and Bodybugg together I have lost over 50 lbs in 20 weeks.
    Anyway, I’m not affiliated with Bodybugg. I don’t sell it or work for anyone who sells it, etc…
    I saw the people on The Biggest Loser wearing these bands on their arms and did a google search to find out what it was they had on. Found out it was a bodybugg and decided to try it. I swear it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, as I finally have the answer to the missing part of the weight loss equation. I had calories in with WW, and with bodybugg I have the calories out part.
    I still have more weight to lose but I am finally happy with how I look and feel.
    Good luck to you! :)

  33. Jennifer

    Hi There,
    I used to read your blog regularly, quite a few years ago. I don’t get on the internet much anymore, just too many things to do with my sweet babies! Anyways, I used to weigh 235 from age 19 to 30! I finally said enough is enough. I hadn’t enjoyed my life very much and missed a lot of things because of it. I did the South Beach Diet and it really did work. I went from 235 to 170 in just a matter of a few months. That was 6 years ago. I just recently gained 10lbs..my fault, too much junk food! And I went right back to the South Beach Diet and a week ago and am already down to 173. It works if you stick to it strictly. I am living proof! It was hard but it is possible, if you really want it. I went from a size 24 to 16 and am still planning on losing more weight. I love my family and I don’t want to die young either. Good luck to you! God bless you and protect you and your family.

  34. Candice

    Look into a young woman named Leigh Peele … http://www.leighpeele.com . I’ve been following her work for two years now and she’s absolutely fantastic. She has out a program called Fat Loss Trouble Shoot… you get a ton of stuff in the program and if you have questions, you can email her and she’ll get right back to you. I can’t recommend her enough. And she’s not going to tell you to starve yourself, or stop eating this or that. Also, she’s worked with people with different sorts of medical issues which I think puts her above other programs out there because most of those have to deal with someone whose body is 100% normal (i.e. not on medications).

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