WWJD?(IJHAFBA?)

Remember when I wrote the post about my husband finally joining facebook? And remember how I joked that I was going to make his profile picture a .gif that said “I love my wife” to keep the old skanks from his past away?
Well, this morning I logged into his facebook account to see if he had any new friend requests (before you get all “why are you logging into HIS account? How dare you be all up in his business!” you have to know that he never logs in, so every once in a while, I check for him and tell him who had sent friend requests. I’m not secretly logging into his account. I have his blessing.) ANYWAY. The first thing that pops up is a picture of His Jesus Loving Ugly Faced ex-girlfriend.
She requested to be his friend on facebook.
But she didn’t stop there! Oh no! She sent him a message. In her message, she was all “OMG! Your son is so handsome. How many kids do you have? I’m doing SO GOOD. God has been good to me. blahblahblah Oh, I tried to find your wife but couldn’t.”
I felt the raaaaaaaaage sweep over my entire body because how dare she. And also she’s baaack.
I don’t know if I’ve ever written about the hell she put me through in our first year of marriage or not. But I will sum it up here in case I haven’t.
I knew this girl since I was about 10 years old. Her family went to our church. Then she rebelled, moved out to her grandparents, which is where she met and dated my husband. They dated for a few years, then they broke up and Tony started going to our church with her mother. She found out about it and started coming to church too, just to keep an eye on him. Even though they weren’t together. She was a possessive bitch that way. She met a new man and they got engaged. She was SURE Tony was going to be devastated, because, you know, she such a catch. But he wasn’t. He was like “I wish you the best!” It was during her engagement that I met and begin to fall in love with Tony. Before that point, he was all “D’s dorky boyfriend” but the more I got to know him, the sexier he became to me and well, I wanted to marry him and have his babies.” She asked him and I to sing in her wedding, not knowing that we were falling in love. She found out shortly after when I told her I thought Tony was going to propose to me. She was all “WHAT?” And I was all “Yeah, we’re in love. We’re going to get married.” And she was all “Oh, that’s great.” But what she meant was “HOW DARE HE FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN SO SOON HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT ME NOT MARRYING HIM FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.” We got married and she proceeded to make my life hell by doing things like calling my house asking to talk to Tony. Telling people they had dated and how hard it was for ME because, you know, they had sex. Calling her husband “Tony” and then saying “Oh, it’s so hard to not get the names mixed up when you’ve been with someone for so long.” and finally, mailing a 2 page letter to our house addressed only to Tony that said things like “I wish you would forgive me, let bygones be bygones.” And “I wish we could talk again and hang out together, but that would just be too awkward for our spouses, because, you know, WE SLEPT TOGETHER.” Tony never responded and the next time I saw her she was all “Did Tony get my email?” And I was all “Yeah, we got it and we read it and we laughed at it.” And she was all “Why would you laugh? I poured my heart out in that letter!” And I was all “Oh, I don’t know, because YOU’RE MARRIED WITH KIDS AND YOU REALLY NEED TO GET OVER IT AND LEAVE HIM ALONE NOW?” She started sobbing because “I was so mean to her! She was just trying to clear the air!” But everyone knew her tears were because my husband would not give her the time of day and it killed her.
Shortly after that, she moved away to Colorado. I’ve always thought it was at her husband’s suggestion, because of the fact she couldn’t stop trying to get my husband to pay attention to her.
I regret the way that I acted then. I wish I had never let her get to me. I wish I had been secure in the fact that my husband was madly, deeply, passionately in love with me. And in the fact that she had a kid (and gained a ton of weight and I was young, thin and had big, perky boobs) and we were child free and could go wherever we wanted, whenever we wanted and that we were having sex 4 times a day and she most likely wasn’t. But, I was young (19 years old) immature and completely, totally insecure about the fact that they had Sessual Relations.
I’m older and wiser now. I don’t have any jealousy regarding her or the fact that she contacted him. But I do have anger that the minute she gets on facebook, she looks my husband up, sends him a message and pretends like she can’t find me and that’s why she’s contacting him. I’m angry that at 42 years old, she still is thinking about my husband and trying to get her Jesus Loving Ugly Face in our business.
I called Tony the minute I saw her friend request. He wasn’t too happy about it either. He was like “What the hell is wrong with her? Why did she contact me?” And I was all “Oh, I don’t know, she’s a bitch?” And then I was all “Can I write her back and tell her to go eff herself?” And he was all “Go ahead, I don’t care.”
I had a really great email composed in my head. I would send it as Tony, because if I responded, she’d most likely think I was jealous or that I had intercepted her message before Tony had seen it. And the more I thought about it, the less right it felt. It was really up to him how to respond, or if he was going to respond at all. So, I didn’t say anything. I logged out of his account and told him he could handle it. (FYI, he told me to hit ignore on her request. Booyah!)
I feel like I have to respond in some way though. Like, not saying anything is letting her get away with something. So, here’s my plan. I want to friend her myself and then send her a polite note that said “Heard you were looking for me but couldn’t find me. what’s up?”
That way a) she’d know that Tony saw her message b) she’d know that he purposely ignored her b) she’d know that I KNOW without coming across like a jealous bitch. Or something. I don’t know anymore. I’m totally confused at this point. I don’t want to feed into her drama, but at the same time, I guess I kind of do. So, this is where you come in. If you were me, what would YOU do?

143 thoughts on “WWJD?(IJHAFBA?)

  1. girlplease

    Giirrrll I totally don’t believe in the ‘let’s be friends’ zone wiht exes. My husband does, however. I get the hell you’ve been through .Been there. And like I told my husband many moons ago, it’s HIS job to tell her to fuck off. So I pass the word, Tony needs to tell her “Look crazy, ass bitch, fuck off. I LOVE my wife and she’s hot. We have sex 9 billion times a day in all sorts of nasty-ass ways you couldn’t even possibly think of or do. By the way, you’re ugly.”
    That should send her away.

  2. laurie

    you know what pisses people off? being ignored. I’d ignore the bitch. unless she showed up at your front door, ignore her. if she does however show up at ur house or at his job, then it’s time to kick some ass.

  3. wdc

    I’d block her on my account and the husbands account. Then I’d be pissed about it for a little while and bring it up for a few weeks then let it go.
    Totally not worth your time or energy.

  4. Stefanie

    OMG I just laughed out loud at burnurcomputer’s comment. I seriously also laughed at your use of the term sessuals.
    I think you should message her back from Tony and just say “Hi, how are you? I’m fantastic. Thank you so much for enquiring about my life. I’m glad you’re well. Good luck with your future endeavors.” Because good luck with your future endeavors is just fantastic.
    Also, I love you.

  5. Mandy

    Totally not the same thing BUT…you know how Facebook recommends who you should be friends with? Well, it recommended I become friends with my guy’s EX WIFE one day. I was equally as livid. I did nothing about it. But I totally hope you do.

  6. Manda

    First of all, WHAT A HOBAG!!
    Second of all, you know that if Tony had his choice of anyone, he’d pick you. Because you’re awesome.
    (I have the same kind of awesome husband. We should go have sex with them like RIGHT NOW).

  7. bethany actually

    The only ex who I ever had any contact with during Troy’s and my dating/engagement/marriage is Jenn, his ex-fiancee, whom I was also friends with. After some initial awkwardness as we worked out how to relate to each other, things smoothed out and we’re all friends. Not best friends, but send-Christmas-cards-and-visit-if-we’re-in-town friends who genuinely like each other. YES, I know that I am VERY LUCKY.
    Unfortunately, I’m the one with the jackass ex. Troy’s never actually met him but if he ever did I’m sure he’d like to kick him in the nuts. As the years have passed and I’ve grown older and wiser, I’ve gotten to the point where I do think he was a jackass but mostly I roll my eyes and thank God I didn’t stay with him. If he ever wanted to friend me on Facebook I’d probably ignore it because I just don’t care. I think that’s what you should do too. If you don’t want her in your life, don’t give her ANY toeholds. Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

  8. Lisa

    I think hitting “ignore” on FB is enough. Not sending a message, not doing anything. Silence speaks volumes sometimes.

  9. Valette

    I’m in the ignore/block camp as well. She’s just seeking attention and will find some way to bring all that drama back once you give her a smidgen of attention.

  10. Jessica

    If you respond to her, she will think that you are jealous. I think Tony has the right idea and ignore her… it is far better to think of her sitting there wondering and waiting/wishing he would respond.
    Don’t feed into her BS… if anything have Tony send a message to her saying that there was no need on his part to stay in touch, and therefore no need to reconnect. PEACE OUT!

  11. Jessica

    oh, and have him call her a cow… you can call a woman anything else in the book and she can shake it off… but the cow comment digs into your psyche and has you checking the mirror every couple of minutes and lamenting the size of your ass.

  12. LaDonna

    Ignore her, please!
    Any attention whatsoever just shows her that she has some sort of power over you.
    Let her pathetic self sit wherever she wondering why Tony never friended her back and you put your energy into something positive.

  13. EDW

    Ignore her. Don’t friend her and just ignore her. That is the WORST thing ever. A response is just fuel.

  14. Amy B

    I would have a very hard time ignoring it. I know you want to “bitch slap” her but that could be what she wants…to get to you.
    How about a simple..Thanks but no thanks..never ever going to happen.
    That is clear and to the point.

  15. Della

    A vote for ignore, ignore, ignore. If you don’t act, you don’t have to INTERact or REact.
    Also, if you don’t interact with her, you can’t accidentally say something that reveals you ARE angry, used to be jealous, etc. Also, the likelihood that she could find this blog is VERY HIGH. Thank you, google. Meaning, no matter how sneaky you were/are about whatever you decide to do, she could come here and read what you REALLY meant.
    That’s all!

  16. amy

    Long time reader, first time commenter:
    Totally ignore! If one of you responds to her, that’ll be like cracking the door to your life open, and it sounds like she’ll just fling it open after that. Besides, if you ignore her, won’t it be fun imagining how many times a day she checks her e-mail and facebook account to see if he’s e-mailed her back yet? And then how many times she feels let down because THERE’S NOTHING THERE. :)

  17. Lauren

    I’m a lurker who has been reading you for a couple of years, but this one is drawing me out. IGNORE HER. Please! Like someone else said, being ignored is what will make her the most crazy. Do not engage her. If you send her a message, you’ll suddenly be in contact. Then she might write you back or friend you and then and then… she’s back in your life. Just ignore and there’s nothing she can do. End of drama. You win with this because it drives her nuts and she isn’t in your (or Tony’s) life in any way. Please let us know what you decide, though, in the end. Good luck!

  18. Lindy

    I would ignore her. Would you want her to find this blog?? Is your fb account connected to Twitter/blog?? Ignore Ignore Ignore and keep her out of your life.

  19. TheGirlWho

    IGNORE HER! It’s so hard but please trust me. I’ve been in nearly the exact same situation. If you respond you’ll wait for her response and you’ll be thinking about her more and when you get her response you’ll analyze it and wonder whether/how to respond to that and it will never end. Worst thing you can do to her is ignore. It’ll drive her crazy and you can move on.

  20. Caroline

    Just ignore her… why waste ANY more of your time or energy on that old stuff. I’d just ignore and let it go.

  21. Dawn B

    Well, if you can cyberkick her in her uterus..you can just ignore her. Honestly? If it were me, I’d have a HARD time ignoring it, but then again I would have have to bite the bullet. If you message her then you’re allowing her to talk to you and ask how everyone is and blahblahblah. Kill it all with just ignoring her. And that will SURELY show her. And if not.. then tell her off. LOL Good luck!

  22. GE

    Yeah ignoring her will bother her SO BAD. It will eat at her, cause her to lose sleep and will create more wrinkles on her ass-face. Forget it ever happened.

  23. Amy

    Well, I’m glad your former posters are so much more mature than me. Because I’d be all up in it. But, they’re probably right—just ignore, pretend it’s not happening and let it be.
    I will say, though, that my boyfriend’s ex found me via Twitter/follows my blog/is my FB friend and boy, it’s interesting. She’s cool. Mostly. But still obsessed. It’s definitely awkward. Thinking about that whole situation makes me definitely sit on the side of IGNORE.

  24. Motherhood Uncensored

    Ignore ignore ignore.
    My husband has the complete inability to do this, and we’ve gone several rounds with crazy exes that have nothing better to do than text or call or email or whatever. Seriously, you can’t find ANYONE else to commiserate with about your grandfather dying? Please.
    I’m all for dudes and chicks being friends, but when both parties are mostly sane and respectful of the others’ spouses.
    This does not sound like the case.

  25. Y

    Rebecca,
    And by grow up you mean, pretend the past never happened? Pretend like she didn’t contact my husband today? What? Please elaborate.

  26. April

    Besides show up and karate chop her in the throat? Because that plan sounds great.
    I like your plan though, friending her and saying that. Plus then you can keep tabs on her – keep your friends close and your enemies closer! haha…
    I totally hate all the random chicks that friend my Hubs on facebook. I esp hate the ones that are all “Ohhhh, you had the biggest muscles of anyone in school and it looks like you still do!” Makes me see red.

  27. cindy w

    Ok, yes, you probably SHOULD ignore. But if it was me, I would totally friend her just to send a “yo what’s up” note, then de-friend almost immediately. Just so she knows you’re out there & can’t get away with that crap.
    But. I had a very wise English teacher who gave me the best dating/relationship advice ever: the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. If you ignore her, that will probably get to her much more. (Plus you know, she probably DID find you on Facebook and is just acting in her message to Tony like she didn’t.)
    Btw, for a while there my mother-in-law was Facebook friends with my husband’s ex-wife. AWKWARD. Then my husband yelled at my MIL and she cancelled her FB account. Thank God.

  28. The Redheaded Lefty

    For me, please reply in juicy fashion. Make sure that you copy and paste all of the dialog onto this here blog, too, so I can see it. For me.
    For you, please ignore. Good lord, ignore.

  29. san

    I am with almost everyone else… please just IGNORE her. I know that might be hard, but you don’t really want to friend her on FB, do you? I know you could probably de-friend her right away again, but then she’ll know that you only friended her to send that message.
    Noooo… ignoring her is much more effective, although I know you would be dying to see her reaction to your calm and collected “what’s up”-message, wouldn’t you? ;)

  30. andrea

    Completely and totally ignore her. You know she’s sitting there day by day waiting for an friend approval or some acknowledgment, checking her account like crazy. It’s driving her nuts. Do nothing, it will be better than telling her off. She’ll try to friend him again or send him a message. And ignore that one. And laugh about it with your husband. :)

  31. Brandi

    My take on FB/Myspace is if I wouldn’t talk to you if I saw you on the street, I’m not going to add you to my friends list. I have ignored quite a few people that I just don’t are for for whatever reason and I feel no regret at all for it. No reason to invite someone you don’t care for back into your life. Ignore/block and be done with it. :)

  32. Connie

    See, I would send something like you suggested, but probably the adult thing to do would be to hit ignore and move on. HOWEVER, darn it there is the younger side of me that doesn’t want you to be so adult because it would make great reading.

  33. Jen

    Ignore, ignore, ignore. And then ignore some more.
    When my husband and I were first married one of his exes caused some drama between us. Not because of anything my husband did but because of her relentless, nonstop pushiness and general hobagishness. She eventually left us alone and I assumed all was forgotten. We didn’t hear from her for years and then a couple of months ago she sent my husband a facebook friends request. Bitch, please. I was so tempted to send her the nastiest letter I could write but in the end my husband just ignored her request. Looking back I think that was best. Not that it wouldn’t have felt good to write and send that letter but because now she continues to be a non-person in our lives.
    And that’s my 2 cents. And $87.

  34. Backpacking Dad

    If Jesus had had a Facebook Account he would definitely not ignore her. I don’t think he was non-confrontational, just mostly pacifistic. The confrontation would have to come from a place of love for the humanity of the other person, not for personal vengeance or self-righteousness, though. He would probably ask her a lot about herself, how she was feeling, tell her that he loved her in the same way he loved all of his Father’s children.
    I am not Jesus. I’d reply back from your husband’s account “I’m so glad you got in touch with me. I’ve been wanting to tell you for years that you’re a needy bitch, but the time just never felt right.”

  35. Donna

    First reaction would have been just like yours…. and after that my head would have exploded… and after that I would gather all the bits and pieces and glue them back together and realize no response at all would drive her insane. Ignore her! :)

  36. Heather M in AL

    Oh, Y, like all these other folks have said, IGNORE THE REQUEST AND MESSAGE. I have just lived this exact scene, except the friend request from my husband’s recently divorced, new boob job, high school girlfriend from 20 years ago came to ME. Initially, I ignored her. Then she sent me private messages at 2:00am, begging me to be her FB friend. And I was all conflicted, and trying to do the right thing, and sure that she just wanted to look at pictures, and I confirmed her. Then she immediately started stalking our family. Driving by our house, attending our church and sitting right behind us, and then — the icing on the cake — friending my inlaws and arranging a can’t-wait-to-reconnect-cause-I-loved-you-so-much lunch with my crazy MIL and SIL. They all FBed all day long about their long-lost love for each other, knowing I could see it. It made me crazy and caused a huge family blow-up and many nights of drama. All because of this wretched woman. I should have ignored her. Please. IGNORE THIS NUTJOB.

  37. Alison

    Ignore, ignore, ignore. This is the type of person that gets off on drama.
    Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter, so it never happened, right? I mean, yeah, she may be trying to F with you guys, but she’s gonna get nowhere, so why bother getting all tangled up in it? Hell, it’ll be even better/more satisfying if she continues to message, and you/Tony continues to not respond. Then it will be the blatant/obvious ignore! A response (even if bad) is a response. This is like the bad kid that needs attention. Don’t give her any. At all. Ever. If she doesn’t deserve anything from you good, she doesn’t deserve anything period.

  38. Christine

    In your situation? you should probably just ignore it. For the reasons others above have mentioned….
    BUT when I had a similar situation…Stalker ex-girlfriend, broken up w/ the boyfriend, now fiance, for a year and a half when we started dating, showed up at a bakery directly across the street the very day we were moving into our new home – even though she lives Two(!!) hours away…every now and then she would call him, eventually she stopped…and then less than one week after we got engaged, she sent him a 3am text message saying “I cheese sandwich you” g’head and google that and the movie “Love and Sex.” Basically, it means “I love you.” 3am. Tony said we should just ignore it, I told him, he needed to handle it, he didn’t want to make her feel badly she had it rough, blardeblar, I sent her a text message that Friday from his phone, w/ a picture of my finger w/ a ring, saying, “I’m sorry to hear you feel that way. I’ve gotten engaged, it would be best if you didn’t contact me anymore.” I had my own Tony’s consent on the matter. She responded “of course, I wish you nothing but a lifetime of happiness, yadayada” and we never heard from her again. That was two years ago, I am almost convinced that she will show up out of nowhere on the day of the wedding.

  39. Gina

    Your idea sounds good. I’m generally irrational and spontaneous and probably would have sent off a ranting, psycho reply already.

  40. Ange

    This hag obviously never got over your husband, otherwise she wouldn’t be searching for him on social networking sites a gazillion years later. She’s definitely fishing; throwing her line out there and hoping to get a tug from Tony. Ignoring her IS the best way to deal. Although, I can absolutely understand your anger, and the temptation to just tell her off.
    Remember – “The best revenge is living well.” You and your beautiful family are doing exactly that. :)

  41. Cor

    Ignore her and change Tony’s picture on his page, that way she’ll know he’s logged on and is ignoring her, and she can’t convince herself that he is just not facebook savvy.
    Even better if its a pic of the two of you :)

  42. hc

    i love me some drama, but i vote “ignore.” because at the end of the day, you have him and she doesn’t. take solace in the fact that that + ignoring her will eat away at her much more effectively than acknowledging that she tried to friend him.
    plus, she’s reaching out to him via facebook. at the end of the day, it’s just a stupid, addicting website that erases all need to ever have a HS reunion again (LOVE THAT).

  43. djc

    what possible good will responding to or engaging this woman do for you in your heart, your life?
    Not one iota that I can see.
    You’re better than that. Forget her and move on.
    “I will permit no man to degrade my soul by making me hate him”.

  44. Mary Jo

    I sent you a message on Twitter about my husbands ex contacting him on MySpace. He never replied to her, but man alive I wanted to send that c**t face a message. She made our first year together awful. Everytime she saw him alone (in a store, etc…) she would tell him she still loved him, missed him, blah blah blah. I can’t stand that bitch!

  45. Vanessa

    Y – could you advise me on my FB dilemma? A few months ago I was looking at the friends of my old college friends and found my HS boyfriend. We dated all through HS, I followed him to college and we broke up almost as soon as I arrived on campus. I don’t want to be friends FB or otherwise with him. Recently – okay fine, damnit, TODAY I was looking through the list of his friends and found this girl we were both friends with in HS. Her family was very kind to me and I’d like to thank her as an adult and let her know that I still today this day remember and appreciate their kindness. But, I don’t really want to be her FB friend. I don’t want her to comment on picture and then be able to flip through his album. Or worse, for him to see pictures of me and my family. I just want to say thank you to our mutual friend and then go our separate ways again. Help.

  46. Dana

    Y- I’m having total deja vu here. My husband dated a girl before me for four years. I knew her well, but we were not friends, and my huz and I didn’t start dating until six months after their breakup.
    She made my life hell for almost two years after she found out we were together. When we got engaged she was furious. She acted like she had some power over my husband and would say the most ridiculous and sometimes horrible things to me.
    I finally got up the nerve to confront her (she was much bigger in body frame than me and I thought she’d kill me). I told her she needed to move on with her life and that I didn’t appreciate her antics.
    She left me alone for awhile, but then got angry when we didn’t invite her to our wedding. Seriously. It was sick.
    She didn’t stop hating me until after Doug and I were married three years and were expecting our first child.
    She has made no attempts to friend either of us on facebook, and we do share mutual friends. However, should she attempt to do so, I think I would just ignore the request. I think it would eat her alive to wonder why we weren’t befriending her.
    That’s just my opinion, though. There is a small part of me that would love to send a nasty e-mail, too. But I realize that just means I’d be stooping to her level.
    Good luck with however you decide to handle this!

  47. Lynn (Walking With Scissors)

    I agree with Madge up above – ignore her and block her ass (on both of your pages) and then write the bitchiest, most disparaging letter that you can and post it here. It’ll be cathartic for you and funny as hell for your readers!

  48. jeanne Greenwald

    seriously. ignore her. let. it. go.
    negative attention (e-mailing, denying the request, whatever) is better than no attention for some people…and from how you describe things, perhaps she thrives on negative attention. the mature thing to do is ‘ignore’. if you really don’t care then ignoring is the most congruent choice.
    good luck.

  49. Sarah

    Yeah, ignore that trick. Seriously. Do not waste another second of your life stressing over some skank who how many years later is still obessing over your man? Who has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with her? Why drag it out? Ignoring her sends a pretty clear message…that ot’s done…it’s over…and she needs to move on already. My exhusband kept sending me friend’s requests on FB and it was like wtf? as our marriage ended VERY badly. We have children together who he has lost his parental rights to. Anyway, I had to ignore him twice before he finally got the message. Why do these people who we’ve left in the past keep thinking they can invite themselves into our present? Thanks but no thanks!

  50. Jessica

    Ignore is the best thing to do, I’m sure. But I really like your idea of sending a message so she knows that she’s been ignored by him, that you know, and that you aren’t playing her games.

  51. amber of theambershow.net

    HOW GREAT IS YOUR HUSBAND?! So great!
    I wouldn’t friend her on FB; I’d send a note from the both of you from his account saying, “Hey Name, it’s Y. Tony and I share computers, so it doesn’t matter which one of us you contact; we’ll both get it. It sounds like you were looking for me. What’s up?”

  52. MariaV

    I would ignore her. She doesn’t sound quite sane. It would probably drive her crazy not to get a response/reaction from either of you.

  53. Helen

    Send Y~OUR friend request with the ‘ heard you were looking’ once she adds you, give her a day or two to look at all your beautiful pictures and smiling happy family and then BLOCK HER ARSE! Also have TOny block her…that will say it so loud and clear. Once you block someone they can’t see you, can’t search for you, can’t see anything you write…that would so let her know she isn’t at all welcome. Anything else she can make excuses, oh she is so jealous because he secretly loves me still, oh he didn’t get my message SHE must have deleted it. Let her in and then block her out!

  54. Norma

    OK, I know I’m in the minority, but this is why I hate this whole Facebook/My Space thing. We are back to being 13 all over again.

  55. jessica

    i would have sent an email as Tony, but i would have made it short… “i’m not interested in being your friend, and if you had really looked for my wife, you would have found her.” that’s all. and then i would send her an email from your account saying exactly what you had suggested you might do. :)

  56. Lyndsey

    Ummm your proposed response is hilarious and awesome. because it would TOTALLY let her know that he saw and couldn’t possibly care less.
    However.
    It is kind if inviting The Crazy back into your lives. As good as that first message might feel, I would bet it will lead to drama. So, I would sleep on it for a week or two and see if you even care enough to message her. Because really, I doubt you will.

  57. Alison

    Ignore her. She doesn’t deserve your time or energy. And really? Do you want her to be your friend on FB? I mean really? She can see your pics, see what you are up to, etc. That is just helping her get what she wants, seeing into your life that much more and probably fueling her craziness more.
    As tempting as it is, ignoring her would drive her more crazy than anything else.

  58. Jenn

    I say ignoring isn’t enough but blocking is an excellent plan. I’d block her both from Tony’s account (obviously with his blessing) and from yours. I think that says enough – the being ignored and then not able to contact you again. I hear you on the some small desire to feed into her drama by telling her to eff off but you’ll be much happier I think once she’s gone and can’t bother you on FB anymore.
    And naturally, if she shows up on your doorstep, then the bitch is just asking for it and you should totally punch her in her stupid face.

  59. Liz

    I would ignore her and let her obsessively check her messages for weeks on end. Plus, I think you can tell if someone ignores you because it will show no pending friend requests. So she would eventually figure it out and it will drive her MAD!
    Otherwise, you feed her drama and by interacting with her shows that she can still get to you.
    But hey, if you do act on anything, be sure to blog about it. It will definitely be entertaining for the rest of us!

  60. Karen

    I would take the high road. You got the man, that’s her punishment and obviously it is to her. I’d send the “heard you were looking for me, what’s up”. I’d just say that. I’d then be done. If she responds to you, be friendly and distant. You are too good of a person to get back at her. It wouldn’t feel good, and you’d end up wanting to take it back. You’re a good person that way.

  61. Elizabeth

    I vote for ignore her as well.
    Unfortunately for me, my guy is still friends with one of his ex-fiancee’s and she had the audacity to contact me via facebook. Pretty much told me I was just the current flavor of the week…and she and him have such a strong friendship and they mean the world to each other and so on and so forth. I guess the biatch didn’t think I’d forward it on to him or that I’d respond nastily.
    I didn’t. I did inform her that after living together and for 3 years and dating for 5 and during the entire time we’ve been together they haven’t even seen each other should speak volumes to her. Also, that I have no problems or feel “threatened” as she said by their friendship. I don’t know who these females (I won’t call them women because obviously they have not matured enough to be labeled with that title) think they are.
    I just don’t get it.
    In hindsight I wish I would have just ignored her, but one good thing did come out of it. He told her ass off and she’s not contacted him in over a month…so boo-yah.
    Also, pretty much a few days after he told her off, I am now officially engaged to him. Now it’s just time to see if I run away again (this is engagement #4) or if I stick around this time. :) he’s patient with me and he loves me.
    Just as Tony loves you and wants nothing to do with this psycho from the past. So…I say ignore her. Silence can speak volumes at times. (This time stating she’s not worth his or your time)

  62. michele

    ignore her completely.
    she is already winning b/c she got you upset. it has been what 20 yrs since she was with him. puh-lease. way way over it.
    i do think she is a total freak show for sending him a request and pretending that she couldn’t find you. woman needs to get some psychological counseling.

  63. Angela

    I’d say: Don’t feed the trolls.
    She sounds very much like a troll.
    Ignore and let her fade back into the back of beyond from whence she came.

  64. Nikol

    My husband’s ex continued to try to contact him for the first three years we were together…umm..we’ve only been together for three years.
    The final straw was when she sent him a friend request on Facebook. He immediately called me up and asked me what he should do. He had tried ignoring her calls, he tried confronting her, he blatantly asked her to stop contacting him…and I continued to try to stay out of it. But the Facebook thing sent me over the edge and I sent her a message stating that “we wish her the best in her future, but Tony is in her past. Let me make myself clear…do not contact my husband again.” and some other things…but you get the point.
    We haven’t heard from her since. This was probably three months ago…which is a new record.
    Good luck! :)

  65. Cindy

    Ignore her. The opposite of love isn’t hate — it’s indifference. Listen to that husband of yours.

  66. Missy P.

    The absolute best thing you could possibly do to her is not respond. She THRIVES on attention, and it will kill her more than anything else to be dismissed and ignored. I would not respond to anything she sends. I know you really, really want to go after her (hell, after reading your post, I’m ready to track her down and kick her ass myself!) but no matter how you do it, it will come off sounding petty and will give her exactly what she needs. I know this from experience :) Good luck!

  67. Missy P.

    Okay, I just reread my comment and now I sound like I have experience stalking people and needed attention. That came off the wrong way! I know from experience about sounding petty, because I have been in a similar situation that you are in, NOT that I was stalking someone. Okay, now I sound like a stalker in denial. What the hell? ;)

  68. Melissa

    I would be torn. Part of me would think “what if she really does want to make amends” and the other part of me would be planning a nasty email. But, in then end, I agree with most everyone else and say just ignore her. She’s not worth it. (but a nasty email would be soooo gratifying even for a little while)
    Oh and two days after my husband and I were married, his ex told ME that she still had feelings for him and was regretting moving away. I’m totally not still bitter about that. /sarcasm

  69. Kay

    I’d definitely do the same thing you’re planning – ignore her on his profile, then request her on yours – making sure to say in your note that HE mentioned she was looking for you. It puts it out there that he saw and ignored her request (insult) and that he tells you everything (major insult).
    Sorry, but sometimes the whole passive-aggressive bitch mode is the best (and most enjoyable) way to go.
    I guess the “grown-up” thing to do would be to ignore her completely, and maybe friending her isn’t the “mature” thing to do… but dammit it’s more fun that way, and she’s the one that started the damn drama, so I say give it right back to her.
    Okay… maybe I should stop thinking like a 12 year old now? Facebook brings out the adolescent in me.

  70. Karly

    First, I would kick her in her Jesus Loving Ugly Face and then I would send that email asking what was up. Then I would hyperventilate while I waited for her to respond and give dirty looks to Tony because clearly THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT and then I would hyperventilate some more and possibly call the police and inquire about a restraining order.
    But, that’s just me. You do what you think is best.
    (Also, by “all Tony’s fault,” I meant that it would be all MY husband’s fault. I’m sure your husband is completely blameless. I just enjoying blaming my husband for things. It’s fun.)

  71. Headless Mom

    After all of these comments you probably don’t want or need my 2 cents but I’ll give them anyway.
    First, I’d just ignore it all together. Here’s why…A guy I used to know waaay before we got married tried to friend me. (He’s married, and there is more to the story, but that’s the nutshell.) He has found my email before, found me on classmates, and keeps trying to find me. I realized that if I continue to respond he’ll continue to keep finding me. I even sent him a email once that said “glad to know you’re ok and THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOOD, but leave me alone” and he still tries.
    Second, the best revenge is knowing that you have Tony and she doesn’t, and obviously still has atleast questions about him. Let her keep guessing.

  72. Jodi

    I log into my hubby’s account too, with his blessing, because someone has to maintain his farmtown game. :D
    I would hit the ignore button and run the other way. No one needs that kind of stress and negativity in their life.

  73. Leah

    From experience with something I was just dealing with I would say ignore ignore ignore. Women like that are crazy and if you respond it just makes them crazier. I know exactly how bad you want to respond it seems fun for a minute. But take a step back you don’t want to invite that kind of craziness back. Also I am praying for your son and your family. I hope he chooses to share but if not I think you’re an awesome mom and just keep loving him. They need to know that you love them no matter what.

  74. Katie

    If she is that obsessed, she may already know about this blog. If I type Tony Yvonne into Google, I don’t get anything in the first few pages. But if I type Tony Yvonne Ethan into Google, your blog is the second result (I though she might at least know the name of your first kid but maybe not the others).

  75. Casie

    Go ahead and add her as a friend on both pages. all she’s going to see is how happy you two are together. That’ll get her goat AND it’s the nice thing to do.

  76. T

    Another long time reader, first time commenter: I agree with so many of these wise ladies…Ignore her! Not only does it say, “You’re nowhere on my radar, I don’t care about you in the least.” But, it also removes any opportunity for her to insert herself in your life. No updates on you and your family, no information gleaned from reading your posts, comments, perusing your pictures….and while it may be the ‘nice’ thing to do to add her, it is not rude to ignore her. She is not a ‘friend’. She is someone who caused you distress when she was in your life, has been out of your life for a long period of time. While I believe it is possible to forgive toxic people for the troubles they cause us, I also don’t believe it is necessary to allow them to cause more. In the great scheme of things, it may be more kind to ignore her and allow her to move on, rather than go backward in her life and relive old memories and dramas.

  77. Janet

    In response to Rebecca’s comment about “growing up”, I do find it interesting that this situation with your husband’s ex-girlfriend is even relevant considering the crisis you recently experienced with your son? And I am not a troll- I have been reading for years.

  78. Y

    Janet,
    I was waiting for someone to bring that up.
    Life didn’t stop because of what happened with my son. When I wrote what I wrote, I was in a state of shock (it had just happened.) But things are better now. Also? I will not and can not write about it any further unless my son gives me permission.
    I didn’t assume you were a troll, btw.
    xo
    -Y

  79. alimomof3

    I’ve read you for years but seldom comment. This time I feel I should: LEAVE IT! Love you! (And I also laughed at the “sessual!”)

  80. Christine

    you posted this asking for advice, but I have to say it actually ended up helping me in a different way: definitely won’t ever be contacting any ex’s because I’d hate for their girlfriends or wives to see me that way. yikes.

  81. Y

    Christine,
    I don’t consider all ex’s to fit in this category. He had other girlfriends who I wouldn’t care one bit about if they contacted him. I’d actually be happy he could catch up. But this is a unique situation. She caused a lot of drama/heartache in our marriage and really, contacting him on facebook wasn’t appropriate.

  82. ElizabethZ

    It seems everyone thinks ignoring her is the best policy and maybe it is, but to me – ignoring her tells her that you still bother her. In the same breath, you don’t want her as a friend so that option is out too. I think some response is warranted. Maybe just an email back to her:
    Tony asked me write you and find out what you wanted, he said he didn’t think it was appropriate to friend you on FB, nor did he have a desire to but said you were looking for me? What can I do for you? Y

  83. ella

    I would ignore her friend request.
    No response from either of you IMO would definitely send the message that he isn’t interested in her period.
    Sheesh. Freaks!

  84. gaylin

    Obviously from the amount of comments you have a lot of readers/supporters. This woman is NOT one of them. Anything other than ignoring her would be inviting her into your life in some sense and really – do you want her anywhere near your family, either in a physical or internet capacity?
    Take a big breath, be thankful for having Tony as your husband and let her go. She can sit in the hell of her own making and you can go on with your life.

  85. Neil

    I am leaning towards ignore, too. It is like the trolls on blogs. Once you start engaging, things only become worse.

  86. Lena

    Well, you know what I would do since it was MY IDEA. Haha. Just kidding!
    I would friend her. But, I’m always wrong about these types of things. Because I’m immature. Especially about people who’ve had sess with my husband.
    Oh! And Stefanie’s suggestion: “Good luck with your future endeavors” is BRILLIANT. It’s another way of saying …DENIED!

  87. The Psycho Ex Wife

    This post made me laugh so much, because it’s something I’m sure everyone can relate too, and whether we want those feelings or not, they come up when it happens. The best solution is to just ignore her. I deal with a psycho ex daily, and they do this because inside they are miserable, they need the attention to feel like they are normal. Do not respond. My boyfriend’s (we’ve been together 5 yrs) ex wife is psychotic, left him, filed for full custody and told countless attorneys, evaluators and judges that he abused her for 10 years, and yet, to this day, 6 yrs after their divorce, she routinely asks him to come back to her and reminds him of times they made love and how happy they were. Of course 5 minutes later she is telling him what an asshole he is, but like I said, she is psychotic. We ignore everything, and then of course post it on the blog, lol. It kills her to be ignored, trust me. They can’t stand it.
    Move on knowing you are happy and loved, and she will never be.

  88. Rachel

    I think you should ignore her, considering how strongly you seem to feel about this.
    However….wasn’t this like a million years ago? I had high drama break ups with my exes when I was 19 and if I found them on facebook, I’d probably try to friend them. Not because I am “a bitch” or trying to get them back or anything. Just because I’d like to see that they are doing well because I cared about them once. Believe me, I was all about the dramatic scene, but I’ve grown and I’m in a MUCH healthier space now. I guess I just think maybe it isn’t malicous. But whether she was trying to be crazy drama girl or not, it clearly bugged you, so I wouldn’t engage. I have to go look up old boyfriends on facebook now.

  89. Y

    haha!
    It don’t care if it were 8 million years ago. I don’t want that woman in our lives. But more importantly, neither does my husband.

  90. k

    Y-
    I am a Christian, and I find the way you use the name of Jesus very quenching. Please be careful, your blog is reaching a great number of people. We will all stand before the throne of God one day and be asked the question, “What did you do with my Son Jesus?” I believe HE is calling you. He loves you. Regardless of your feelings toward this woman it gives you no right to belittle the things of God. I will truly be praying for you that you turn to Jesus once again. >

  91. sandi Benson

    I don’t know you, but I love you. We share a brain. I feel your pain. I would do exactly what you have done. Now sit back and see where it all goes. If she contacts him again, call me, I will go after her.

  92. Kami

    Ignore her!! Some people never grow up and never quit playing games, trust me no response will make her wonder and log on 100000 x’s a day…hee!

  93. miss crazy

    Y – while ignoring it would probably be the “grown-up” thing to do, i would do the exact same thing you wanna do… ;) what’s so bad about it? i don’t get it…
    k – reading something like your comment honestly irritates the sh*t out of me. i wanna say i find it quenching…

  94. bzmomma

    Exes…they are “funny”, aren’t they? Could always count on them to add some drama.
    IGNORE. “The sound of silence is deafening.”
    Then again, your way sounds like a great plan too, but will that give her access to your info? I always wondered about that – if you’re not friends w/someone, but just send them a message, does that “allow” them access?

  95. Janet

    Been there, done that, got the t-shirt to burn in the back yard.
    You have to lay it out to her. Tell her that Tony told you all about her trying to friend him, that he was done with her all those years ago, and that he really isn’t interested in having any contact.
    Then you can tell her if she keeps it up you will have to let her spouse know that she is stalking your husband. Some women only learn the hard way, so good luck!

  96. Miz Robyn

    I don’t have time to read all the people who’ve commented before me (so maybe someone’s already suggested it – and I will go back and read them when I get a chance), but I vote that you log in as Tony and send her a reply along the lines of “This is so embarrassing, I’m sorry… but who ARE you? The name and face aren’t familiar…”

  97. Miz Robyn

    Okay, having read all your other comments, I have to say that your other readers are annoyingly mature.
    Of course, you should ignore her.
    But it’s still fun to consider doing all those other things. :)

  98. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

    If I were you, I’d straight up stab her. Just get it out of the way. Crazies like that will be haunting you and your husband all the way to the (figurative) retirement home. Bitches are crazy.
    On a serious note, I think the ignored friends request is pretty top notch. There’s nothing quite like knowing you are being knowingly ignored.

  99. Cheryl

    Vanessa, you can send her a private message without the two of you being friends on FB. Just go to her profile page and click on send a message. If you do that and she does send you a friend request, if you want to be friends with her, you can pick the option that only your friends can see things on your FB (so she can see stuff but he can’t). I think there’s other options too to limit who see what.

  100. baseballmom

    OMG, Coach got married when he was 18, to a girl he was stationed with in Alaska, and after we’d been married for a couple of years, she called my MIL wanting his number. She told the ex to leave us alone, and that no, he wouldn’t sign the papers to get their marriage annulled so she could have a catholic wedding the second time around, etc. She got our number somehow, because she called and asked me, “is Coach there?” and didn’t even tell me who she was. Apparently she was coming to our state for work and wanted to meet me (riiiight) and our baby. I’m sure that was it. He told her that he had no desire to see her, and that she should have asked me for permission to talk to him because I’m his wife now. Hahahaha-I loved that! I say write an email like you’re Tony, and wish her good luck with her future endeavors, like someone else said. That’s just basically saying ‘F you’ in a nice way, and ‘I am not interested in your life’ at the same time!

  101. LoLa

    I say you’ve come too far to get caught up in this crap. You’re all riled up over this chick how many years later? Just ignore it and move on. Don’t put yourself back in this thing. And Omigosh, don’t become a friend of hers on FB–that would be whacko. You can’t even stand her! Just breathe. Look at your husband and your life and just breathe. She’s not important. She’s nothing to you anymore. Ignore and breathe.

  102. FlippyO

    “I find the way you use the name of Jesus very quenching.”
    To quote “The Princess Bride”: Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
    Seriously, how long has she been using that word without knowing what it means? Then again, perhaps she *does* think you’re like human Gatorade. :)

  103. FlippyO

    Oh, and regarding the actual topic – ignore the ex. You have Tony, the kids, the whole shebang. There’s no reason to put any energy into anything related to her. Although, I kind of liked the “who are you?” response, if you absolutely had to respond. But, really, don’t. You won. The end.

  104. Amanda

    Sounds to me like you based a lot of your feelings about her off of what you *perceived* she was thinking or doing.
    It also sounds like she brought up some old feelings in you… insecurity, doubt, unease…and you think that by lashing out at her will somehow make those feelings go away.
    The best advice to follow here is the Biblical advice.
    Forgive. Offer kindness when possible. Live your life to honor God, and let Him handle the rest.

  105. Sugarplumsmom

    I read a lot but commen little, and have skimmed over previous comments..
    K – wow.. condescending much?
    Y – Do no more at this point… you’ve probably already outed yourself.. she probably secretly reads your blog and in a very non-confrontational way you’ve already told her she irritates you but at the same time, Tony is not at all interested in her anymore. If not, even better, because not getting any response will just eat at her moreso than a “f you” would

  106. Lisa @ Unfiltered Insanity

    First time visitor and first time commenter. Referred by Beautiful Wreck. I too check Mr. B’s facebook account. I set it up so he could take a quiz. LOL. I left it up out of curiosity. No exes yet. Thank GOD!
    I’m with the ignoring crowd from this end. But if I were sitting where you are I’d say “Did you know that you can send her a message WITHOUT friending her?”
    And seriously…. people…… what’s up with all the preachy advice? She didn’t ask for preachy advice.

  107. Helen

    I think the title WWJD might have something to do with the reason people are actually saying what they think Jesus would do! It’s a fact that many Christians are very earnest about their beliefs and love any excuse to preach, also, sometimes it’s hard for people to understand that actually, even though you ask WWJD? You don’t really want to know! I don’t think anyone is being malicious, perhaps just not quite seeing that the ‘WWJD’ in this case, wasn’t an actual request for spiritual advice!

  108. Scout's Honor

    I’d definitely shiv the bitch. We had an ex that showed up (after breaking up with and cheating on my husband–her then boyfriend) just as we became serious. Even after marriage and baby, she kept contact with the MIL. Grrrrr…..

  109. Melissa

    1.) Def ignore her
    2.) Take a half hour or so and get some notebook paper and write down everything you would ever want to say to her- slams, cussin’, insults, ugliness-EVERYTHING. Don;t hold back one bit. Then burn it. That way you’ve got it out and will never have to worry about saying it in a weak moment again.

  110. Leslie

    I recently found someone from my past online. Mostly, I was just curious to see how he was doing. The business he inherited from his parents isn’t doing too well, his bigass McMansion isn’t worth the 1 million+ mortgage he has on it, his oldest daughter was recently arrested for DUI/possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia, and his wife has been reduced to selling their personal belongings on eBay. Do I want to contact him? Well, maybe just to gloat. I’ve never had as much, but my kids are happy and healthy, no one’s been arrested, and MY oldest child is thisclose to graduating from his alma mater. She picked the school, I said nothing. Do I want him? Now? With the struggling business and the drug addict daughter? Um, NO. He was always a moody cuss, and he must be all kinds of fun to live with just now. But it’s past time for he and his wife to pay for all the years they’ve spent living off the efforts of his parents and being Mr. and Mrs. Glamorous Business Owners, thinking they were special and somehow deserved all the goodness that effortlessly came their way. Funny how people always assume they deserve their good fortune but never the bad. The point is, there IS justice in the universe. It might take 25 years, but things even out in the end. It’s too bad we can’t live our lives backwards. We make the most important decisions when we’re young and have the least life experience.
    As for your situation, do NOT contact her! Aside from your own personal reasons, it’s just creepy for anyone to answer their spouse’s email or monitor his/her online use. Of course, my guess is that she’s been reading your blog for years and knows all about this.

  111. Gentry

    Do not contact her! No, no, no. Just hit “ignore” on the friend request and move on.
    She only has the ability to have power over you if you let her. When you are angry and wasting energy over her, you are enabling her to have power over you.
    Let it go! You’ll be so much more free if you do.
    Also, be thankful he wants nothing to do with her. Focus on that. Its much much better energy.

  112. Billie

    A Word To The Wise!
    I have listened to doctors, teachers, counselors as well as social workers dish out advice about our children and some of it is well taken, but all must be critically perused and evaluated by us, were the mommies! Who could possible know our children better than we do?
    Some children have adverse reactions to sugar and some do not, however experts would like to paint all children with the same broad brush. Teenagers having problems in school is a good example. The first direction the experts seem to like to pursue is Attention Deficit. However a wise individual would first pursue the basics such as: Are their marital problems in the home or some type of alcohol or drug abuse? Is the child fighting thru Identity issues such as sexuality? These are just a few of the possibilities that could be causing children problems and us Mommies and Daddy’s need to make sure everything is being addressed before we push it off on a medical condition. I’m not saying we don’t look at everything; however it seems we live in a society that loves to turn directly to medication to solve a problem! Just watch the evening news and I’m sure you will see what I mean. The drug companies are now pursuing us directly to get us to ask our doctors for their drugs! The government likes to preach “Just Say No to Drugs”, and then they pitch them at every opportunity!
    My 16 year old was being tortured by mean girls via email and was heartbroken. She was having some acne issues as we all did but they were extremely mean to her in nature. It was not easy but I found a site that carries Cyber Bully Alerts warning the children to STOP sending these emails as they are being watched and logged and will be prosecuted. We all know what this kind of meanness can lead to with teen suicides and all. I found the cards at hate cards dot net and they did the trick! The torture stopped for Sarah and that was good enough for me. We need to find ways to overcome and adapt to protect our kids.
    We can care for runny noses and chapped bottoms, but we must look out for our babies through high school and educate them to think for themselves until they learn too!
    Billie
    At Home Mom in MN

  113. Nancy R

    I think I would let it sit for at least a week before going forward with any action. If you still feel you need to send her a message after that, at least it won’t be reactionary, you know?

  114. Shannon

    I know I’m late to the game, but…
    I definitely like your idea. Along w/ backpack dad’s. And it should include a link to that facebook song, just for good measure.
    But if one has to act their age, then Cor’s response of “Ignore her and change Tony’s picture on his page, that way she’ll know he’s logged on and is ignoring her, and she can’t convince herself that he is just not facebook savvy. Even better if its a pic of the two of you :) ” is the best way to send her a message w/out engaging her.

  115. Jenny

    Don’t friend request her, just message her, exactly what you said, “heard you were looking for me what is up?”. If you ignore her, she’ll rationalize that “maybe he doesn’t check his FB”…

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