I Think I Always Will

I opened up the mailbox and peeked inside. I immediately recognized the handwriting on the small white envelope. Normally, I would have tore the envelope open right away and the names written in the shaky handwriting would have brought a smile to my face.
Not today. Today I brought it inside, set it on the counter. I walked past it, glancing it over throughout the day. I couldn’t bring myself to open it.
Until just now.
A single name, written at the bottom of the card.
Just Grandma.
And it hit me all over again like a fist to the gut.
He’s gone.
And for the first time in a long time, I cried. And cried. And still cry even now.
I miss him so much.
I miss my Grandpa.

43 thoughts on “I Think I Always Will

  1. Jessica

    My grandmother died on December 4th of this year. We did her memorial yesterday (she was cremated and I had to get out to California from Chicago). I feel your pain.

  2. Michele

    No words can calm your heart right now. But perhaps time will lesson the pain some. Jus know your Opa(?)is with God painfree enjoying the beautifulness of heaven. He’s watching and wanting you to carry on. I believe he will now be the guardian angel to you and yours. Praying for your heart, hug.

  3. Oh

    I lost my grandpa in mid November. I can’t tell you how much I dread getting the card with just grandma on it.

  4. Sherry

    Oh. Y. There’s nothing anyone can say to make this better. Even though there are so many of us who want to. Just know that you are loved and that we are all praying (or whatever is our personal equivalent) for you and your family.

  5. Marmite Breath

    My Grandad died three years ago, and I think a part of my Grandma never accepted it because she still continued to sign all the birthday and Christmas cards with “Love from Grandma and Grandad” It was very sweet at the same time that it was weird. I never knew if she wanted me to address Christmas cards to both of them still, or if I should still ask to talk to Grandad when I called her?
    She died this year and I feel the same way about NOT getting a card from either of them. It doesn’t seem right.
    I feel incomplete without them and I talk to them every day. One day I felt my Grandma’s presence SO STRONGLY, and I called my parents to tell them about it (I said, I feel like Grandma is sitting on my DAMN SHOULDER!) and they said they had been having the same feeling AND so had my Auntie in England. I’m not a Spiritualist, but I have to believe that some essence of the ones we love will remain.
    Love you, Y. I understand, I really do. I was my Grandad’s favourite, and he was mine. I miss him all the time, and while the pain of missing him changes, a part of it is good. It’s a little stab that says, “Don’t forget me”

  6. Lisa

    My Granny passed in April of this year. There are days when all is right in the world…then there are days when I come across a mug she used to use or the smell of my morning coffee brings back the memories of winter mornings with her or when I indulge in banana pudding with Nilla wafers and it melts in my mouth just like it did when she used to make it for me as a child. And on those days…I lose it.
    But it’s okay. I keeps them alive within us. And I’m hoping, for you as well as for me, that one day we’ll be able to experience those things things with smiles rather than tears.

  7. Jamie

    I’m so sorry. :(
    I have had the same address book for years and my grandmother’s name and address is still in it. She died in 2000 and I cannot bring myself to get a new address book or cross through her name. I will never do that!

  8. NotAMeanGirl

    It DOES get better. Not easier… but better. My grandfather died December 18, 2007. My Grandmother March 14, 2008. This is our first Chrismas without either of them and it’s hard. We persevere for OUR children and our remaining family to make it a celebratory time of year. We still suffer. You’re not alone hon no matter how much it may seem you are. (hug)

  9. Jen - Queen of Poo

    The first time I got a letter from my grandma after my grandpa died she had crossed his name off of the return address label. That was incredibly sad to me, not just because I missed my grandpa, but because right at that moment I got a sense of my grandma’s loss. :-(
    Your grandpa did something right to have earned so much of your love and devotion. I’d like to think it blesses him even now to know that.

  10. Kat

    My Grandfather passed away before I was born, so it was always just “Grandma” in the card. But this will be my third Christmas missing an envelope with handwriting so unmistakable it wouldn’t have needed a return address, containing a card wishing her “sweet Kathleenie Beenie a Very Merry Christmas.” The absence still hurts.
    {{{HUGS}}} to you and yours. You are not alone.

  11. Vanessa Houk

    I’m so sorry for your loss. When you love fiercely it hurts when someone you love is gone, but I can’t imagine living (or loving) any other way. Peace to you.

  12. NTE

    It snowed a lot in Boston this weekend – the first real snow of the season – and somewhere around hour 43, in the quiet and calm, as everyone else was out shoveling, I thought about my nana, and the fact that she is not here to curse the snow today. She’s not coming in, bundled up in her bathrobe and tea in hand, to complain about the amount of snow or the fact that nobody will let her shovel. And – with everyone else outside, and me bundled warm on my bed – I cried for the first time in months, knowing that she isn’t going to be here ever again. I’m crying now. This is my first Christmas, my first December without her, and it’s really tough.
    So, I wanted you to know that I understand. And to know that I’m thinking of you, sending you my hand to hold. And letting you know it helps me too.

  13. Christine

    Haven’t been here in a while, so…
    1. I’m still so so sorry. It is terrible to lose a loved one and my thoughts are with you.
    2. I kind of love your Christmas photos as they are. I know, but I swear they are some sort of wonderful.
    and 3. For Christine from Alabama (also please don’t hold it against the rest of us Christines. We are generally pleasant! swear!), well I would call her a “See, U, Next, Tuesday” if you catch my drift, but ya know, profanity on other people’s blogs is something I try to avoid. I’ll just say she does not seem like a particularly happy person, and dude, that’s on her. Plus she’s missing out on bean dip, so how happy can her life be?

  14. Kay

    The firsts on everything will hurt, I am not going to lie. It does ease with time, it honestly does. You have to get through the first holidays. the first birthdays. the first anniversary of their death. There will be many firsts you never thought of and it will hit you like a brick. My best advice is to do as you are doing. Cry. Write it out and go on. It’s the only way. Neither my husband or I have grandparents and he has no parents now either. We lost his mom at 55 years old and his Dad last year. I lost 2 grandmothers and a grandfather in 2000 only 3 months apart! I know how you are feeling, it hurts. We are listening! ((HUGS))

  15. Lena

    I’m so sorry, Y. Call me tomorrow morning and I’ll think of something stupid to say to make you laugh.
    (Like how I got someone fired at my office Christmas party? Ooooops.)

  16. Louise

    Yes, you will always miss him, and that’s okay. Crying’s okay, too. I think it would be worse if you *didn’t* miss him… I’m sorry that this is so painful for you, though.

  17. Missy

    Y, my Pop died May 12th. When I got my Christmas card from Sherie, his widow I did the same thing. It’s so sad. My Grandmom has been gone since 92′. My Pop was so lucky to find a fantastic woman like Sherie and now she is all alone without him. I miss my Pop and Grandmom so much.

  18. Hol

    Y, like others have said there are always sights, smells, songs, and of course photos of my grandparents that I do okay with on some days, and other times I lose it. I’ll just sit and cry, like I am now. These are the moments we know they will never leave our hearts and memories. I still haven’t crossed through my grandfather’s address. I don’t think I can, and you know what? I don’t want to. Much love and hugs to you!

  19. Jaime

    I lost my Papa two years ago and I can honestly say it doesn’t get any easier to only see one name a card and since I’m being honest, I’m tearing up right now just at the thought of it. It does, however, make me even more appreciative of my Nana and the fact that she is here to send my cards and such. As crazy or selfish as it sounds I think it’s even harder to lose a grandparent as an adult.

  20. Tracy

    Friday was the 5th year since my grandfather’s passing. He was the most significant father figure in my life growing up. Reading about your grandpa this year made me miss him even more and write my own little tribute to him!
    There’s a lot of love in your bones for him, and that’s just plain okay!

  21. mickey

    Oh, honey, I feel your pain. My Gramma left us in October. Yesterday I found the glass cat that I had intended to give her for Christmas. (I bought it back in September) I cried for 3 hours and my heart still aches.
    Supposedly it gets better…hang in there.

  22. baseballmom

    Aw, Y, I’m so sorry. It’s that time of year, and it keeps hitting me too. I lost my last grandpa in September, and my dad last July, and my other grandpa (who was more like my dad than my actual dad) two years ago. The other day, I was thinking about them and just started welling up…it’s so hard. Hugs to you, and hang in there.

  23. girlplease

    I understand Y. I go through the same thing with my aunt. It’s hard to see a card or look through my phone book with her name crossed out as a reminder not to put her name on envelopes due to habit.
    At least we all have pleasant memories.

  24. jadine

    Man. I didn’t know your grandpa, I don’t know your grandma, and I don’t know you…you made my eyes all burn-y with this one :( Hugs to you.

  25. Lorraine

    One year we received a Christmas card from my husband’s grandmother after she died. She had asked a family member to mail them. It was sad. I hope you can feel the love in your memories.

  26. Trish

    I am sorry for your loss. Yesterday made 15 years since my grandfather passed away, and I still miss him dearly. Time makes it a little easier, but little things bring it all back in an instant. Anyway, just wanted to say I am sorry and I understand.

  27. Christine

    Y, my Grandpa just died yesterday morning. I have the service Monday and today I was buying my Grandma a card and I just lost it. I am so sorry for your loss, too, and I know how tough your holiday will be without him :(

  28. Eris

    The forever part is the wierdest, hardest part, isn’t it? We lost Grandma in May of this year and I can’t. Fathom. The. Loss. Forever.
    I never get to see her again? It is strange to cope with and now, talking to Grandpa, who was with her for almost 80 years, with this being his first Christmas without her, is…
    There are no words.
    Just know that other people go through the same thing. I don’t know how to face it or deal with it or ease the pain. But know that others feel the same way.
    Sorry for your loss.

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