Because Christmas is About Winning!

I try to maintain my civility while out shopping. Especially in the days just before Christmas, when stores are filled with all of God’s Children who are so very full of love, joy, peace and patience. Even if I’m pissed off in the depths of my soul, I will smile and bite my tongue when you roll my foot over with your cart because you’re in a hurry and can’t be bothered to slow down OR say “sorry”. But at some point every year, as hard as I try to nice in the face of the jerks all around me, my Asshole Tolerance Level is pushed to the absolute max and I’ll lose it. That doesn’t mean I go crazy and start cutting people, it just means I’ll stop smiling and quite possibly ask you to BACK YOUR CART UP OFF OF MY TOES, YOU INCONSIDERATE DICK.

Last night at Target, I had HAD IT.

While I was making my way to the checkout with my cart FULL of stuff, a cartless woman was walking towards me. I made the assumption that since she did not have a cart or anything in her hands, she would politely step to the side so that I wouldn’t have to steer my cart (full of stuff) to the side. You know, the way people who are not assholes do. So, I kept walking in the same direction.

But so did she.

And as she got closer, I realized that the woman had no intention on stepping aside so that I could get by. Even though there was plenty of room for her cart-less ass to do so! She was going to stay the course and make me move out of HER way. I know that I could have simply moved my cart and been done with it, but I was taking a stand man.

Because it wasn’t bad enough that she wasn’t going to step to the side so I could get by, she was staring right in my face as she was approaching– she was giving me The Finger with her ugly face!

Finally, we met face to face. I stopped my cart and she stopped walking. We both stopped and stared at each other in some ridiculous game of assholery. Realizing she was going to stand her ground, I said “EX-CUUUSE ME” in the bitchiest tone possible. She snarled her lip at me, sighed loudly…And stepped aside.

It was beautiful.

28 thoughts on “Because Christmas is About Winning!

  1. jadine

    I know exactly what you’re talking about. For me, it’s usually teenagers,
    and I always just stop and make them go around me. Looking them right in
    the eye is always good, too. It’s interesting to see how a-hole-y they’ll
    be about it.
    You know who else is really bad about not sharing space in stores? Mothers
    with strollers. Why are they so awful?? I’m a mother. I used to push my
    kids around in strollers. I would never have plowed right through people,
    like they all seem to do here. Bah.

    Reply
  2. Michelle

    There must be one of those bitches in every Target in the country. I had the same experience at the Target where I used to live in Maryland, and it was at Christmas time, too. When the woman and I finally met, she stopped where I was going to turn into an aisle, and so I stopped. I waited for her to move or do something, but she just stood there looking at me with a little smirk on her face. So I said to her “Excuse me, I’m turning in there,” and she just kept looking at me. So then I was all, “Well, that’s fine,” and pulled out my phone and started playing on it, like I had nothing better to do and could stand there all week if I wanted to. She eventually did walk around me, the cow. Okay, really, WTF?

    Reply
  3. Chris

    Pedestrian in-store right-of-ways are fuzzy legal entities and can best be circumvented with hip checks, high elbows, and ball busting toe kicks. The somewhat less aggressive “Excuse me” works in only 15% of cases. You were lucky.

    Reply
  4. Y

    Michelle, you pulling out your phone was a brilliant move.
    And Chris, you may be right– I may have been lucky. Or, my “EXCUSE ME” skills may just really be THAT good.

    Reply
  5. Suzanne

    I’m with ya, Y… You go girl, for standing your ground! I was in the return line at Marshall’s today, had a reciept for my return… and you should have heard the “a$$hat” remarks made while I was standing there… at the RETURN desk! When I was done… I turned and smiled… and said “That’s nice, real nice! Merry Christmas”… and the woman doing the talking, turned bright red! Keep up the good work on your EXCUUUSE me tactics!
    ~Suzanne
    http://www.sugarloafcottage.blogspot.com

    Reply
  6. DogsDontPurr

    Oh…I sooo need to take you with me when I go to Costco! I swear, it’s a mine field in there….wayyyy worse than Target (if you can imagine!) It’s getting to the point that I don’t think they should give out Costco memberships unless you can pass some sort of shopping cart driving school! Oy!

    Reply
  7. Nina

    People either aren’t like that here, or I don’t get out enough. Either way, this made me laugh so hard. I then had to read it to my husband who also laughed.
    “but I was taking a stand man.” hahahahahahahaha

    Reply
  8. Bill

    That’s a great start, but you should have done 2 things differently.
    1: you shouldn’t have stopped, just slowed down to avoid a lawsuit.
    2: you should have farted really loudly right when she got next to you.

    Reply
  9. Sara

    I hear you. Last weekend I was tempted to hike my leg on a man at Target stationed in the MIDDLE OF THE AISLE next to the toys. I’ll forgive him though since that was probably his one trip to Target for the year.

    Reply
  10. Shanny

    The same thing happens to me when I take my mom in her wheelchair to Costco! I dread the thought of going there. Can you believe the nerve of people running up ahead of her to crowd in front of her to get the best piece of meat or something? Hey people!! There are 12,000 of them! No need to push an amputee in a wheelchair out of your way to get your goods. Jeesh. People, please try to remember what Christmas is really about. We have been snowed in and unable to shop for many days here in the NW and in a way I think it’s a good thing I can’t get out and shop. I just wish it wasn’t too icy and snowy for our family to be together on Christmas day. However, I am still counting my many blessings.

    Reply
  11. JenniferB

    A woman at Wal-fart tried to actually force her way BETWEEN me and my 7 year old — who was holding my hand yesterday! I said “EXCUUUUUSE YOU” to her and she turned red and backed away and then went WAY around us. Seriously! That would have required a boot in the butt if she hadn’t backed off!

    Reply
  12. baseballmom

    OMG, people are so rude right now, and it amazes me constantly! Today, I was out doing some last minute stuff, and people were such IDIOTS! It doesn’t help that it snowed a foot here, and no one is used to the snow, so they’re doubly freaked out. I wish they could see themselves on camera sometimes…it might be a rude awakening. Or maybe they just wouldn’t care! Today there were three carts behind me, and I was waiting for a lady to get the fuck away from the syrup so I could get a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth, and she looked at the damned syrup FOREVER. It was like she’d never seen it before! She never did realize that all of those people were waiting for her, so I reached in front of her, said excuse me, and took off. Crazy.

    Reply
  13. Emily

    Awww Y what about the singing movies? I read this at work today and remembered to revisit and watch the movies!
    Regardless, sorry about the assholes but have a great Christmas!

    Reply
  14. girlplease

    run her over with the cart in good ol xmas spirit. :)
    my favorite line to use is milking this pregnancy for everything it’s worth. when someone becomes an asshole i usually say something to the order of “yea don’t mind the very pregnant lady here. you be that asshole.”

    Reply
  15. Tammy DeBlaay

    Fucking retarted people! I would of just ran her ugly ass over! And then said Oops! Merry Christmas to all! Hugs from Fort Worth!

    Reply
  16. mickey

    Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family!
    I had a similar experience last night- my mother forgot to tell me that I was supposed to pick up the meat for our Christmas Eve dinner, so I joined the throngs of people doing the last-minute-dash-before-they-close grocery store dance. Another woman and I were trapped in an aisle behind some man meandering down the center of the lane with his cart, effectively preventing anyone from passing him on either side. And he was yapping on his cell phone- not just “Honey, what was I supposed to pick up at the store?”, but an in depth conversation on how some football team needed to revamp their program, yadda yadda yadda.
    Before I could lose it and start screaming, the other woman snarled at him. “Can you walk & talk at the same time?!?” He whipped around, glared at us both, and snapped that yes, he could.
    So I chimed in with “Well, then, shift your ass pal! The store is closing in 10 minutes and my family is waiting for dinner!”
    Then the other woman & I looked at each other and cracked up. The guy mumbled “Gotta go man, there are some crazy women being weird here” to his phone friend and fled down the aisle.

    Reply
  17. jeanie

    On you!
    Some people just enter cottonwool land in places like that – sometimes an audible reminder is needed to snap them out of it!
    Merry Christmas.

    Reply

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