I want you to know that the kind messages left here have been a great comfort to me. The last two days have been the most emotionally exhausting days of my life. The pain I feel from the death of Grandpa is overwhelming at times. Especially when I have to comfort my children whose hearts are broken by the loss. I am also dealing with anger about his final hours. I can’t erase the picture from my mind of my Grandpa laying in his bed, unresponsive, turning BLUE and my aunt saying “He’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! We don’t need to call 911. He’s just reeeeeeeaaaally sleepy from the pain medication!” (Translation: Let’s just let him die here in his bed due to lack of oxygen because I’m tired of taking care of him and hey! He wanted to die in his bed anyway!) My siblings wouldn’t stand for her Crazy, so we called 911 shortly after we arrived so that he could get the treatment he needed and die in peace and comfort.
I’m SO ANGRY about it. But mostly sad. Sad that he’s gone. Sad that it happened the way that it did. Sad that people could be so cruel. Sad that my last memory of him is so devastatingly horrific.
My Grandma has chosen to have him cremated. There will be a graveside, military funeral next Thursday. (He had a purple heart from WW2. His tank was struck by a missile, he was the last one to make it out before the tank was struck, but he was severely wounded by the shrapnel.) Having to wait a week to bury is tough, but I look forward to that day so we can lay him to rest and life can get back to normal around here.

58 thoughts on “Grieving

  1. Sara

    I’m so sorry about your grandfather. My grandmother passed away a little over a week ago, and it’s just one of the roughest things ever. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  2. lost indie

    I am so sorry Y. I’ve been through it with all my grandparents and one parent. It sucks.
    Please do try to let go of the anger. It doesn’t help anything. I am not defending your aunt but maybe she thought he didn’t have long and didn’t want him dragged from his bed. Maybe she didn’t notice how blue he was because it was gradual. If she had been taking care of him she probably was tired and not at the top of her game. When my beloved BIL was dying of AIDS…my wonderful MIL invited the catachism class of 10th graders over to watch him die! I am not kidding. It was so surreal I felt like I could levitate. We didn’t let it happen and in retrospect she agreed that it was a very bad idea. You just never know what you will do in times of high stress.
    Hang in there Y. Enjoy the sweet memories of your grandpa. I love the picture of the two of you.

  3. AA

    That’s a great picture. Hold on to that memory. I tried to post a comment yesterday, but my computer messed up and wouldn’t let me. Yesterday while reading your post I cried. With you and for you and for me andll of us who have experienced a great loss and had to figure out how to go on without them.
    I am sorry your grandpa had to suffer like that, and I’m sorry you had to see it.

  4. eko

    You are in my thoughts, dear lady! I SO need to email you, but now is not a good time for you to hear my yammerings. Hold those children/family close – know you are loved, and that your generous heart and spirit has touched all of us!

  5. Y

    Thanks so much to all.
    Indie– I wish I could say that was the case with my aunt, but she knew what was happening and…well, I don’t feel like going into here. Such a long, painful story. You’re right that I need to let the anger go though, and perhaps I will.. AFTER I punch her in the face.
    Ok. I won’t punch her in the face. But I really, REALLY want to.

  6. So Cal Carol

    Sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet Grandpa. The grief will lessen in time, but for now as the waves roll in let out you sadness. Don’t hide it from your kids, and don’t ask them to hide theirs. I remember when my uncle died my youngest used to come into my room during the night and ask me to “please tell Uncle Johnny I’m too tired to talk to him.” He was getting the visits from uncle that I so desperately prayed for. Grandpa will always and forever be with you.

  7. Linda

    I have missed your posts for a few days so I just found out. I am so sorry for you lost and I will pray for you and your family. My heart is with you.

  8. MomZombie

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. We lost our grandpa this past February and it still doesn’t seem real that he is gone. Cherish the good memories.

  9. Tami

    I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a difficult time… I just want to tell you that believe it or not…eventually the bad memories fade and you will no longer think about your grandpa’s awful final moments. In the front of your memory bank will be the way he smiled at you, visions of him holding your babies, the way he smelled…etc. I promise.

  10. Susan

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Y.
    My mom (/best friend) died 7 years ago, and I’m still pissed off that the surgeons left me in a room, all by myself, FORGETTING to let me know that she passed away during surgery. They’d already taken me aside to say they didn’t think they could save her, but to STAY RIGHT THERE and they would be back soon. Three hours later, I finally, tearfully, found a nurse to tell me she’d died shortly thereafter and had been lying alone in ICU. And they had been calling me at home, wondering where I was. F’ing idiots. Can you tell I have issues???
    Anyway, it’s good you have not only the support of nearby loved ones, but also your internet friends. Knowing you’re supported really can make a difference in the healing process. Also, your grandfather is there with you, watching over you every moment. I’m sure of it.

  11. Helen

    Oh I am so sorry, feeling that anger makes it worse too. I was so angry about things when my dad died until I was able to see that actually I was angry for me because he really was so sick and so ‘out of it’ that he wasn’t finding it as hard as I was. If grandpa was really struggling for breath the chances are he didn’t know anymore how hard it was, he was surely already with the angels and his body was trying to catch up.
    Whatever, he is now so well and happy that all that matters now is that you and yours manage to say a great goodbye, it takes a while but you will get to a point where you can think of him and smile again. 2 years on I can remember my dad and be happy …no more aching heart at the whisper of his name. You’ll get there too and your kids will help you get there.

  12. mrsdoxtater

    Oh man Y. I am so so so very sorry. I cannot imagine the hurt and the anger you are feeling. *hugs*
    PS- that picture is priceless. You are so beautiful.

  13. Becky

    I love reading your blog. I am so sorry that you have lost your grandpa. It’s really hard and I hope you can find some comfort.

  14. Bunny

    Y, that is a beautiful picture of you two together. I hope you can find peace with the circumstances of his death. He was a great man with a wonderfully special granddaughter. My prayers are with you tonight and all week.

  15. Chelle

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. That is such a beautiful photo of the two of you. I know how special grandpas can be.

  16. Wacky Mommy

    Besos to you and your family — you are in my thoughts. I love that picture so much. You just remember that moment, in that picture, and forget the rest. Families go loco in times of happiness, stress, sorrow. Uh. Pretty much all the time.

  17. Kat

    Y, I am so sorry for your loss.
    Your posts about your grandfather have had me in tears as I recall the loss of my own grandfather when I was just 12, just a kid.
    My heart goes out to you and your family, he’s at peace now, no more pain, no more hurt.
    Take care

  18. marjorie

    I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. What a lovely picture of you and him. I lost my maternal grandmother when I was twelve, and my grandfather a few years later. I’ll never stop missing them, but at the same time, I’m thankful for the memories I have of them, and the things we did together. They shared with me a kind of wisdom which only comes with age. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time.

  19. Mandi

    That is a BEAUTIFUL photo Y! I really love it.
    I am so, so sorry for what you and your poor children are going through. I hope your pain eases some in the weeks and months to come. Hugs and more hugs. You are all in my thoughts.

  20. Denise

    Our country has lost another one of her heroes. May his soul rest in peace. I pray you all are comforted, Y.

  21. baseballmom

    Yeah, my step grandma waltzed away with a quarter of a million dollars (everything my grandpa had) and I so wanted to punch or kill her, but in the end, I kind of felt like being mad at her helped me to ease the pain of losing him. Maybe because I was focusing less on his being gone? I don’t know, but for some reason it was a way for me to cope a little bit. I was really bitchy to her at the memorial when she wanted to give her opinion on the planning, though. I’m not really sorry about it, because she did take advantage of him and us, and that won’t change. I love that pic of you guys….

  22. Jeanette

    It’s ok to be angry.
    It’s ok.
    Hope you let yourself grieve fully-even if it’s out of sight of the children.
    Think of ways to celebrate his life, to honor him.

  23. Daisy

    He is a real American hero. One day you should send his story to the WWII mueseum in New Orleans along with any photos, etc. His story & legacy will always be preserved for generations to come. Not that I’m sure you & your own children won’t ensure of that in your home as well, but the museum does a wonderful job of it as well.

  24. Lisse

    That is a beautiful picture. You are so lucky to have it.
    Try not to stay angry at your aunt. Many of us are not at our best in dire situations; there’s a good chance she had no idea what was going on in her own head at the time and may feel terrible looking back on it.
    Peace, Y. And especially to your grandfather.

  25. Lisa Stone

    Y, I can only imagine how incredibly proud he was of you. I really didn’t know my grandparents very well — I’m so glad you had the opportunity to be this close, and to share your own amazing children with him. xo

  26. amy mumm

    HI, I am new to your blog and really enjoy it. I want you to know that my heart goes to you during this time, I lost my grandma 2 years ago and it has been a roller coaster of pain and emotion since. The only thing that gives me comfort most of the time is knowing that I KNOW she loved me very much. I will be thinking of you, close your eyes and feel my hug… ~Amy

  27. chris

    my heart hurts with yours. and although you know that he’s in a better place, without pain and without fear~it still means that things on earth will never be the same again. the photo of the two of you is absolutely beautiful- your smille is stunning. be good to yourself and let your soul have time to process this loss.

  28. joy

    I know that this is just one of almost 300 messages of comfort, but I just wanted to let you know how special your family is to me, even your gramma and grampa. I didn’t spend as much time with them as the rest of your crazy family, but the time I did spend was special! My family was so many miles away, and I took a lot of comfort in a big loud family so much like my own. I love you guys very much and I’m praying for you all. I’m sorry that things got crazy, but I’m praying for peace, and that you guys will not be broken by this. Love you!!!

  29. JenniferB

    I’m sorry for the image you had last of him in his bed — that is terrible. I hope your Aunt will have a change of heart also and realize what happened and that you will be able to forgive and have the peace and comfort you deserve. I hope you do know that you are a strong example to so many — me for one — and I wish you only the best.

  30. Liz

    Yvonne, I’m so so sorry for your loss. I feel for you, as I’ve lost all of my grandparents and still miss them every single day–they were such significant “shapers” of my life over the years and the loss is so incredibly…heavy for want of a better word. Big hugs to you…..

  31. melly

    Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. And so sorry that I haven’t had my head out of my ass enough to know this terrible news until now. I love you with all of my heart. I need to come visit you soon. I need to hug you very very very much.

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