Moving on up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Do you know what I miss about my old neighborhood?
The crazy ass neighbors.
Sure, they were tweakers and drunks and liked to stab each other and have sex on the front lawn at 5 in the morning and shoot flaming things out of potato launchers and collect trash (bonus: Rats!) But, hey! At least they had personality. The people here are all stuck up, snooty assholes who never come outside and actually turn the other way when they see me.
The only thing that the lady– oh wait, did I just call her “the lady?” Because I totally meant to say “the bitch.” My bad– the only thing that the bitch next door has ever said to me was this.
“So, did you guys buy the place, or are you renting.”
And when I said “Oh, we’re just renting.
She let out judgmental “Ohohohhhhh” and then said “well, are you guys decorating for Christmas? Because there aren’t ever lights up at this house because it’s always been RENTERS who live here.”
Because, you know, RENTERS! don’t decorate for holidays. They’re too busy being drunk, breeding and NOT DOING THE MATH! to do things like “hang up Christmas lights.”
She’s never once said another word to me. In fact? There have been times where I’ve been standing in my driveway and she’s walking to her house and she won’t even glance my way. I think she’s afraid she’ll catch a bad case of The RENTERS! If she gets too close.
Today she informed PigHunter that the show “Trading Spaces” is going to be here in two weeks to do a room in her house. She was all Fake Nice, acting like she was telling him so that we were prepared for the chaos, but bitch just wanted us to know that “Like, OMG! I’m totally going to be on TV!”
I seriously ALL CAPS LOATHE HER and would much rather have Big, Dirty Hairy Guy Who Lives in A Non Functional Trailer and Watches Hermaphrodite Porn all Day with His Double Sided Dildo for a neighbor again than her.
In other, more exciting (to me) news, Jay Mohr has agreed to let me interview him on this blog. Yes, I still kind of really love him (shut!up!) and so I’m happy he kind of sort of likes me back enough (SHUT!UP!) to have agreed to do this. I have no idea how many questions he’ll be comfortable asking, but I do know that there are a few JM fans who read this blog, SO! If you have a burning question that you have always wanted to ask him and will DIE IF YOU DO NOT GET TO ASK HIM, shoot me an email or leave it here in the comments.
Awww, looked at us in 04.

Happy 4th of July!

79 thoughts on “Moving on up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

  1. Jessica

    Please tell me you’re going to go all National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation on your house this year. Oh please oh please oh please….

  2. DogsDontPurr

    Let me tell ya, if you’re a renter, and you’re renting a *house* you’re doin’ pretty darn good. Especially in this economy. I’d have you as my neighbor any day! Ignore all those snooties. They don’t know how good they have it. And they are perhaps a bit jealous.

  3. Melissa @ Organized Chaos

    Happy 4th Y! Ignore the bitch.
    But OMG can I just tell you how much I love JM!!! What I would really love to know is why he left Last Comic Standing. No one has been able to fill his shoes… the show is just kind of limping on all sucky without him.

  4. deb

    fuck the bitch next door you got Jay Mohr! I lurve him but cant think of ONE question I would ask him. I will definitely look forward to your interview though. That is tre kewl. (that’s the way we stuck up people say awesome-heh)

  5. gleep

    You know what’s really, really festive? Strobe lights mounted all over the outside of your house. Just a thought.

  6. Y

    What do you mean “JUST a thought.” That’s like one of the greatest thoughts I’ve ever heard.

  7. lorien

    Well, I’m an owner and I like you (lots) and don’t give a rat’s ass whether or not you waste a lot of energy putting up lights at x-mas. I guess “owners” have a lot of extra carbon credits.
    And I love JM but don’t have anything to ask him.

  8. Bah

    Maybe you should invite the hermaphrodite-loving neighbor over during the Trading Spaces taping, and encourage him to drink Irish car bombs in his underwear on the front porch. While blasting Weird Al classics on an old school boom box. And doing the ‘Running Man’.
    Please ask Jay (1) who his favorite up and coming comedian is, (2) what he would have ended up doing for a living, had show biz not worked out, and/or (3) if he will please please let me squeeze his tushie. If you’re too embarrassed, you don’t have to ask him the second one.

  9. Walking With Scissors

    You know what word I love even more than “renters!!” ? Transients. Such a charming term, isn’t it?
    You should SO start having sex on the front lawn at 5am. Or, say, midafternoon when the fine people from Trading Spaces are there. Or, wear your grungiest overalls and straw hat when the cameras are rolling, preferrably uttering things like, “well, goll-ee, this har is the most excitin’ thing I done seen since Cousin Skeeter got shot in the a$$ while huntin’ for possums!”

  10. Mama DB

    Oh you so have to create havoc at the house, as Paige switching keys! Be the renters the bitch neighbor gives you credit for, that day – for the taping. Perhaps JM would be interested in getting in on the fun. You know the man would totally be up for wrecking a Trading Spaces taping.

  11. Heather B.

    Hermaphrodite porn and a double sided dildo.
    Well if those aren’t lovely images to fall asleep to then I don’t know what is.

  12. Y

    oh my God, Wendy. HILARIOUS!!
    And J, no, I do not miss Judy. In fact, whenever I go to visit my mom, I look out for her before I get out of the car and if I don’t see her, I RUN REALLY FAST.

  13. Wacky Mommy

    When they’re taping, show up with a hot dish of beany-weenies, a bag of Lay’s (half-eaten. And you have to have one of your sons dipping his hand in as he hands it to The Owners) and… some kind of Jell-O marshmallow fluff thing? Hmm. Possibly a jar of home-canned sauerkraut?
    That would be neighborly. I’m sure Paige would love it.

  14. amanda

    umm yeaaaahhh, i’m gonna need you to tell us (the obvious n00bs) how you know jay mohr. because, wow. i freaking love him…but unfortunately have no questions for him. agh.

  15. Kris

    You should so totally do this to your house for Christmas. LIGHTS!
    (If it doesn’t show up, go to you tube and search for “christmas lights” under jrowe913. It’s a riot!)
    And set it off every 3 1/2 minutes (since the series runs like 3:02 long.)

  16. Y

    Amanda, I’ll tell the story of how we met before I post the interview.
    Kris. that’s AWESOME. I bet if I started a “Help us do THIS for christmas” fund the internet would totally respond.
    HAH HA

  17. yinyang

    Oh, snobby homeowners. My family and have pretty much the same situation as you, except instead of “the bitch” we have inattentive parents that let their kids throw rocks into our driveway. The little monsters also play on the street a lot, so sometimes it’s tempting to try and run them over. And, don’t even get me started on the stupid homeowner’s association!
    P.S. I agree with amanda – please let us n00bs in on how you know Jay Mohr. Because the fact that you know Jay Mohr well enough that you can interview him on your blog is pretty sweet.

  18. norm

    Ooh, I have a question for Jay:
    “Dear Jay: do you have any contacts on the Trading Spaces cast? If so, can you use them to ensure that the remodeling job done on Y’s neighbor’s house is so epically bad the lawsuit will be filed before the paint is dry? Yes? Excellent. I knew we could count on you.” *high-five*

  19. Rebecca

    I hope Hildi does your neighbor’s house! And puts straw and/or cardboard on the walls!

  20. Kelly

    Is this woman not aware that she’s living next door to a famous blogger?!! She’s all about the Trading Spaces thing yet has no clue who her neighbor is! Maybe you should spray paint your autograph on the outside of her house, you know, sometime in the next 2 weeks or so ;c)

  21. JaniceNW

    We rent and I haven’t had that reaction. I rarely see most of my neighbors as people hibernate in the NW unless it’s sunny and that’s when I hibernate. We have a hugely diverse hood from Russians, folks from India, various Asian types and even, (shock) blacks. The guy next door to us is a local very nice man who keeps his yard spotless. I’m trying to get out and walk and maybe I’ll actually talk to some of the folks in hood.

  22. margalit

    Pleaase please please promise me that you will climb up on your roof in December, and in the big colored bulbs, because teeny white lights aren’t spectacular enough, spell out RENTER on that roof. PLEASE!
    Mwah. Love you, fellow renter!

  23. Jett

    I do believe that MamaDB is brilliant. My question for Jay Mohr is this:
    “Jay Mohr, bless your sweet face, would you pleaaaaase help Mr. and Ms. Y and the three baby Ys PUNK THE NEIGHBORS’ TAPING?”
    Here’s hoping he totally Does You A Solidtm.

  24. Kelley

    Oh the renters thing. Does my freaking head in. People look down their noses when they hear I am a ‘renter’ and I am all ‘fuck off I have better shoes than you’.

  25. Susy

    When we moved into our current house our neighbor had a “garden tour” lawn. We didn’t and never will. Then we had kids and filled our crappy yard with toys and bikes. We always called ourselves the hillbillies and the neighbor even once pulled weeds around our mailbox. A few years ago she found a man… He transformed her beautiful backyard into a holding area for his crap. Both front and back lawn are now covered with boats and tractors and hunting targets and stuff for his trucks. Hilarious! And she only mows like once a week now :)

  26. Angella

    I am with everyone else. BRING ON THE LIGHTS!
    Also. Jay Mohr? Awesome.
    Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cooler…

  27. Surcie

    Can’t wait ’til your interview! I want him to dish some dirt on his SNL experience. I’d ask for him to do his (best ever) impersonation of Christopher Walken, but I’m guessing there’ll be no audio.

  28. Sarcastic Mom

    Oh, come on, Y. You know it’s true that us renters are just the scum of the earth. Let’s embrace it. Huh?
    And I know you’re just interviewing Jay Mohr to make me JEALOUS.
    My question for him: “If I give my son to the gypsies and leave my husband, will you marry me? No? How about just a 10 minute make-out session then?”
    You better ask him that one.

  29. chrystal

    Okay, you TEE totally crack me up… *always*. You are helarious…. ’nuff said.

  30. zdoodlebub

    I’m a renter. And we probably take the most care of our home of anyone on our street. What a bitch. You can take pleasure in the vast emptiness of her life if that’s how she judges people. There’s no way she’s got the same joy as you. No frickin’ way.

  31. Melissa

    The only thing I know about my neighbors is that on one side, we have nuns, and the other side a family. Oh and the lady across the street who yells at her boys to “grow up.”
    Question for Jay: (since I am a fan of Ghost Whisperer) Does he believe in ghosts?

  32. mickey

    “You know what’s really, really festive? Strobe lights mounted all over the outside of your house. Just a thought.”
    Gleep, I lurve you for that one! And hats off to Matgalit for this suggestion:
    “Pleaase please please promise me that you will climb up on your roof in December, and in the big colored bulbs, because teeny white lights aren’t spectacular enough, spell out RENTER on that roof. PLEASE! ”
    I say combine the two ideas and add a few pink flamingos to your front yard. You could leave the flamingos up year round and out seaonal costumes on them for extra obnoxious effect.
    I’ve gotten lucky- about half my street is now comprised of renters and we all mostly get along with everybody. My (now) ex & I were known as the nut house when we first moved in 4 years ago (a goth boy w/CP and a 6 ft. Biracial amazon do tend to get strange looks, escpecially when unloading a crate full of swords & knives), but it’s gotten a little better now that he is gone.(along with some of his odder friends)
    Can’t wait to read that interview! I’m so jealous.

  33. Kay

    Well thank God I no longer have the stigma of (shudder) A RENTER!!!! I bought a house last year. Sure wish I had known I moved on up, someone forgot to tell me!
    And J.M equals “coolness!” :)

  34. jadine

    Please ask him if famous hollywood-types ever want to meet/marry ‘regular’ people….and if so, where do I go meet me my next husband — a rich, funny, smart famous hollywood type? The detail of my current husband to be addressed later.

  35. ela

    Oh, to have a renter like you next door! Owning a home ain’t all it’s cracked up to be…I long for neighbors who KNOW what it is to smile at one another, to bring soup over (or whatever) – to borrow sugar from – b.s. over the back fence with…
    I LOVE your haircut, and your smile – even if it ain’t real. Sometimes (all the time) I fake it, and I am trying to make it – one day at a time FOR my kids…
    I really adore Jay Mohr but have no questions for him, and would be way too nervous to interview him! Give him virtual hugs from me!

  36. Chag

    Jay Mohr is hilarious. I’ve got a question for Jay: Ask him how he would deal with your bitchy neighbor.
    Can I have another one? Ask him why he participated in the Smack Off. He’s better than that.

  37. Rachael

    Don’t worry, you are not the only one left who likes Jay Mohr. I think his character on Ghost Whisperer is hilarious. I have the same question as Melissa, was wondering what he personally believes about ghosts/spirits.

  38. Wisconsin Mommy

    I’m thinking you blast some seriously obnoxious music for the entire Trading Spaces taping!
    And Jay Mohr??? Awesome! Ask him if anything spooky has ever happened on the set of Ghost Whisperer – I’ve heard rumors…

  39. Jennifer

    Ugh. I hate snobs. I hope Trading Spaces assigns Frank (is he even still on TS?) to her house and he paints the room a violent shade of coral only seen in Miami circa 1985.

  40. Jess

    Snotty *itch. I hate people like that. I hope she ends up with Hildy and she puts straw on their ceiling, glues plastic flowers on her walls and puts cardboard down for flooring. A nice stripper pole with a moose on it would go nicely in the corner also. Wonder if you can give suggestions?

  41. Karen Sugarpants

    Invite Jay Mohr for the same time as the taping and dress up like backwoods freaks. Rent some chickens too!
    I hope they decorate her room like a Canadian basement: faux wood paneling, bulky leather bar, and assorted shit from the US border customs store. Oh! and mounted beaver heads!
    Heh. Mounted beaver.

  42. broad

    Tell me y’all haven’t mowed the lawn (or aren’t planning to) since Bitchy McBitchface made her announcement; that’d be the easiest way to ugly up the house. Then hang a sheet with a big Tweety Bird in the front window for curtains and throw a whole bunch of religious icons on the front lawn for effect. Oooooo, oooo oooooo! Have the kids wreak havoc — let them go over there and ask a ZILLION questions and try to touch everything, preferably with grimy, sticky hands.

  43. cynthea

    Jay Mohr:
    I thought he was pretty intense during the Jerry McGuire/Firing/Restaurant Scene. How did he prep for that? He was so creepily enjoying himself during the whole thing. Where did that little smirk with all the eye contact come from?

  44. crashtestmommy

    Okay, I’m seriously worried about Jay’s character on GW since the finale insinuated that one of the regulars is actually A GHOST and now Jay is slated to star in a new CBS comedy (called Project Gary, I think?) this fall.
    I LOVE him on GW.
    Whassup with that Jay?
    AM SERIOUSLY WORRIED. (Did I mention that?)

  45. Izzy

    Please DO decorate for Christmas and PLEASE go to yard sales all year long to find the ugliest, tackiest, tiredest decorations you can find!

  46. The Aitch

    I had no idea they were even still doing new episodes of TS. Like, hello, 2003 called they want their trading spaces back! ha! When you see your bitchass neighbor again be like, “Now, who did you say was going to be here in two weeks? Umm, yeah okay AND what is that? I’m always too busy watching the History channel to be consumed with reality TV!”
    HA! because that’s the kinda snooty ass remarks I get whenever I ask anyone if they are excited for “From G’s to Gents” to premier. So totally do the Jedi mind trick and be all like you’re not the trashy people, she is for doing a lame ass reality show! HA!
    As for Jay Mohr. He’s such a stud. Ask him if he likes Jeff Dye and Dan Cummins from this season (because I do!) ask him what he reeeeeaaallly thinks about Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia (i Love Dane but I heard they’re both material thieves) and then ask him if I’m doable (show him this: and if so, under what circumstances, ie., desperate, beer goggled, etc.

  47. The Aitch

    Oh snaps, I forgot to mention: We sold our home last september and are currently living in an apartment. We hope by this september we can get ourselves into a rental home. If we’re lucky enough. So, yeah, she can suck it.

  48. mommypie

    Holy Hell, from one renter to another … I LOVE you! How is it I’ve missed your amazing blog? Visiting via your comment on The Bean — I’ll definitely be back. Again. And again. And again.
    And JAY MOHR??!? Umm, if he’s not married, and the spirit moves you, you can ask how he feels about single mom bloggers and give him my number: 867-53 OH NY-EE-II-NN.

  49. Lesley

    Ooooh! Ooooh! I have a question!
    Dear Jay Mohr, is hosting the NASCAR awards as uncomfortable for you as it is for us to watch? We feel so bad for you! You’re a great host and deal with those crumudgens quite well. Keep up the funny!

  50. Lesley Part Deux

    Y – I forgot to comment on being a RENTER! I was a homeowner for several years and became a *cough* RENTER *cough* again a couple of weeks ago. Firstly, I am happy as haiti to be on this side.
    However, we’ve already been turned into the HOA by an old white effer because my brown SoCal husband parked our car slightly eskew in the driveway. Wanna know how long we’d been in the house before this happened? One whole day. Racist pig. But you know how dem dere interracial folks are. Especially geographically mixin’ and all.

  51. chris

    how much Christmas crap can you hang up on the house in the next two weeks? (i wish i were closer, i would so help!) be yourself- everyone else is taken!

  52. Erin

    We kind of have the opposite problem. Our neighbors are renters and it took us months to even get them to make eye contact with us, much less to say hello! We moved from a neighborhood where we loved our neighbors to one where they people next door rarely even make eye contact! It’s kind of depressing. And I totally decorated for Christmas back when I was a home-renter! What the heck does renting have to do with Christmas lights?? Whatever!

  53. Lisse

    Man! And they say New Englanders are unfriendly. LOL.
    Clearly she has no idea of the crappy paint job that the homeowners always wind up with from Trading Spaces. My BIL had Trading Spaces in his neighborhood (step up from Base housing). One of the homeowners hated, and I do mean hated what they did to the place. Cried on camera and everything.
    Since Paige Davis returned, they’ve always had these “special circumstances” that connect the homeowners – divorced couple, MIL and DIL, Master and Servant (sorry, couldn’t resist). That makes me wonder what her circumstances are.
    You’ll have to see if you can find out when the show is going to air.

  54. Nothing But Bonfires

    Oooh, Jay Mohr! Please ask him why I still remember the entire plot of “Picture Perfect,” which, may I remind you, came out when Jennifer Aniston was still rocking The Rachel and hadn’t even HEARD of John Mayer yet, because he was probably still in, like, third grade. Also, please tell him that I only watched Last Comic Standing when he was on it. With good reason.

  55. Kerrie

    OMG! I super DUPER love Jay Mohr! Can’t wait for the interview. CAN’T WAIT. (Yes! I was totally yelling.)

  56. Christine

    We sold our home last fall and are now renting a home, too. Last week I met a new neighbor, he asked if we bought the house. When I said no, we’re renting, he literally turned his back.
    At least I don’t live next door to him. You should totally decorate up a storm at Christmas, the kind of overdoing it where it causes traffic jams on your street. Ha! Take that, bitchy neighbor.

  57. mikey

    Ooooh! Question for Jay Mohr…
    OK. A while back, I saw him doing a routine where he was talking about how his girlfriend loved to pop the zits on his back. That cracked me up, but the funniest part was that I actually pictured Nikki Cox pulling his shirt up and popping away. So, I guess my question was… was that whole shtick about her, or just women in general? (cuz I’ve known/dated a few girls that loved popping zits, too… weird as that sounds)

  58. jen from boston

    A bad Case of the Renters. Heee. Is that anything like The Clap?
    I don’t suppose you could go find some Christmas gnomes and put them up in the summer? Cuz that would be pimp.
    Yeah, TS makeovers are pretty touch and go, and they always seem to block in the windows, which always befuddles me.
    I hope you use these questions for Jay- there are some awesome ones here (and I can’t think of anything good)

  59. Veep Veep

    Oh what a wench!! But nosy neighbors can be like that. I’ve had a few.
    Ask Jay if he thinks Marcus on this season’s Last Comic Standing should win. And if he has a way back into Ghost Whisperer, you know.. just in case…

  60. Heidi

    Ah neighbors – can’t really enjoy their weird company and yet you can’t shoot them (well not unless you want to go to jail and sometimes it seems worth it, but it’s not). Isn’t JM sexy?

  61. WendyB

    Looking forward to the JM post and do you even know what kind of google hits you are gonna get for this comment…
    “I seriously ALL CAPS LOATHE HER and would much rather have Big, Dirty Hairy Guy Who Lives in A Non Functional Trailer and Watches Hermaphrodite Porn all Day with His Double Sided Dildo for a neighbor again than her. ”
    Yikes! You crack me up!

  62. S2

    If you want to fix the thing with your neighbor I know how to do it. Pray for her. She obviously has issues that you couldn’t know about. And its hard to LOATHE someone you’re praying for. I know its hard but wouldn’t you like to not LOATHE her?

  63. Lorrie

    Hmmph. I lost my lurve for TS the day that they decorated this guy’s house who plays Elvis in Vegas and I swear could be his love child. They made him a desk, all plastic, filled with torn up newspaper, and his person had her gorgeous antique marble table covered up.
    But yeah, you should totally go National Lampoon Chevy Chase Christmas on them.

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