Dueling Shameful Fitness Purchases!!

Last week I was talking on the phone with Jenny about the Nintendo Wii Fit. Naturally, the conversation turned to “embarrassing fitness purchases.”
One would think that having purchased TWO products by Richards Simmons– “Sweating to the Oldies” (with the Order in the Next 5 Minutes Bonus: RESISTANCE BANDS!) AND “Deal a Meal”– was as bad as it gets, but one would be wrong in thinking that.
I was all “Dude… I once bought a BodyBlade.” And then I sent her the link to an old post I had written about it.

Originally posted 4.24.04
I am always looking for the easy way out of things. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the damn truth. This character flaw of mine makes me a total sucker for infomercial products.
Imagine my excitement when I heard these words late one night while feeling sad about having gained weight WHILE eating chips and dip.
“Get The Body You’ve Always Wanted In Just 6 Minutes Of daily Workout!”
I put down the chips and dip, got out a pen and paper and grabbed the cordless phone.
I saw the device.
bodyblade1.jpg
“This can’t be for real.” I thought. “That looks wayyyyy too easy. It can’t be true!” I continued to watch. They showed this hot chick with this piece of rubber in her hand, bouncing it up and down. It was working every muscle in her body. They even went into sssssllllooowww mmmmootttttiioooonnn so you could see how every muscle was being worked!
“I CAN DO THAT! I MUST HAVE THAT!”
I ordered it for the great price of JUST $100! (Or! Just 5 payments of $19.99! Plus tax and shipping!)
That’s right, a hundred bucks, but hey! Look at that chick! a body like that is worth $100.00 and in only SIX MINUTES A DAY.
I got it a few days later and opened the box up, all excited because in just SIX MINUTES A DAY for the next few weeks, I was going to look like THIS!
When the package arrived, I opened the box full of hope. All I had to do was flap that thing up and down–side to side and I would have the body of my dreams! But then, I actually held that piece of rubber in my hands and attempted to do it just like the hot chicks and the buff dudes in the commercial.
Um…that shit was hard. And not hard in the way that a good workout should be. It wasn’t as simple and moving that piece of rubber back and forth, there were actual things involved that required a bit of skill. Things like “rhythm” and “not feeling like an asshole while working up to said rhythm because ha ha, am I really holding a giant piece of rubber in my hands in the hopes of looking look like this?”
I would alternate between fits of laughter (HAHAHAHA LOOK AT ME TRYING TO SHAKE A GIANT RUBBER STICK!), shame (I’M WORKING OUT WITH A GIANT RUBBER STICK.) and anger (DID I REALLY JUST SPENT ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS ON THIS GIANT RUBBER STICK?)
Needless to say, it didn’t work and that box is collecting dust in the garage along with my hopes and dreams of perfectly chiseled abs in just six minutes a day!!!

We laughed and laughed, but then she was all “Duuuuuuude. I’ve got you beat. I once bought The iGallop!”
I had no idea what the iGallop was, so she sent me a link to a video on YouTube.

Did you watch? Are you weeping with laughter? For a minute, I thought she was right and she really was The Winner in the contest of bad fitness purchases, but then I looked up “body blade” and I don’t know, man, I think it’s a tie.

Can you do the “Reverse Warrior” with the iGallop? I DON’T THINK THAT YOU CAN.
(Ok. I’ll concede. She totally wins. The only person who could ever beat her is the person who actually paid money for the Oxycise videos.)
I took quite a bit of abuse at the hands of friends and family for purchasing the Body Blade. It was the butt of many jokes at holiday dinners and birthday parties.
“Hey, Y– how are those workouts coming along? I thought you’d be cut by now?”
“Hey, Y– you should give me $100 to beat you with that thing for wasting money on it!”
I got even one Christmas when we had one of those “White Elephant” gift exchange at my in-laws house. I wrapped it up all nice and pretty and dropped just enough hints to make the men think it was a fishing pole. Everyone one of the men got a number, they would take away the box that they THOUGHT contained a fishing pole in it away from whoever had it. My brother in law ended up with it at the end and was all “HA HA! I WON!” to the other men. Then, he opened it up and saw that it was THE BODY BLADE. He was so pissed. “I THOUGHT IT WAS A FISHING POLE! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I DON’T WANT THIS! YOU CAN KEEP IT!”
“Oh hell no!” I said “It’s yours now!”
“But I don’t want it.”
“But you have to take it!”
“Fine.” He said, all angrily. He left shortly after the gift exchange and I can’t tell you how relieved I felt as I watched him walk out of the house with that box in his hand. Iwas so relieved to be rid of that thing I had tried to sell it at yard sales, I even put a “FOR FREE” sign on it once (NO LIE!) and no one would take it. BUT, it wasn’t really gone! Because my Brother in Law didn’t actually take it home with him. Instead, he left the box on the roof of our van.
ASSHOLE! (And I say Asshole with LOVE)
So, unless PigHunter threw it away when we moved, that Rubber Fucker is still collecting dust somewhere in my garage.
The reason that I am telling you about this is because, duuuuuuudes. Jenny is GIVING AWAY A WII CONSOLE AND a copy of Wii Fit!!! All you have to do to be entered to win is to tell her YOUR embarrassing fitness purchase story (either in her comments, which, by the way, ARE HILARIOUS. You must read them! or on your own blog with a link back to her post.) What are you waiting for.. go! Tell her! NOW!

44 thoughts on “Dueling Shameful Fitness Purchases!!

  1. Tamara

    As amusing as the old man is with the body blade and the reverse warrior? The iGallop is even better. That is the funniest thing I have ever seen.

  2. Spirophita

    Oh, wow. That is SO HILARIOUS. While yours was pretty bad, I have to say hers was worse. It looked like a bad bar entertainment machine. And a little bit dirty.
    That man doing his “crescent” made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the entertainment!

  3. Michelle

    WTF??! at the iGallop? I’ve never seen that before, you have GOT to be kidding me. Are you serious?
    I’d be just gullible enough to go for the blade, because you see those people at the gym with the poles, so why not a rubber one, right?
    My fitness purchases are embarrassing only in the fact that I hardly use any of them. I’ve got some fitness videos, clothes, and diet cookbooks that have just not seen enough use.

  4. Amy M

    O MY GAH. and this is why you are so important – i would have never known about the igallop – and now i can’t imagine not knowing it!!! that’s the most bizarre and strangely porn like thing i’ve ever seen that is marketed as “workout” stuff. at least the body blade kinda sorta looked like it might work. except the video with the out of shape man didn’t do much for it’s reputation!!! thanks for the huge laugh today!!!

  5. Katie

    Well at least it was only $100 one time. We spent like $150 a month for a gym membership for like 2 years that we probably used a few dozen times. Oy…

  6. Type (little) a

    It seems like you talk on the phone to every single blogger who ever was, ever. I wait and I wait by the phone, but do you call me????? NO.
    (I kid)
    Have you thought about doing a totally awesome bloggy giveaway of the Body Blade? C’mon it’d boost your ratings!! (also kidding)

  7. barnmouse

    As a person who rode/trained horses for about 14 years, I am honestly weeping with laughter over the iGallop. That shit is too funny!!! Not to mention the type of riding in the video is dressage (not really all the much exercise at all). The iGallop looks more like a little kid version of a mechanical bull! LOL And uh…kinda dirty. They should use those in stripper school or something!!! :P

  8. baseballmom

    OMG, that igallop thing is kinda pornographic. We ended up with a Nordic Trac pro ski that my dad never used, because I was all like, “Oh yeah, we totally want that…we’ll definitely use it.” Yeah. That shit was hard. I ended up giving it away on craigslist because it was taking up so much space in the storage area. Heh.

  9. tonya cinnamon

    omg that igallop lol.. looks like a sex machine i have saw online .. for reals :D

  10. Jennifer

    Jesus tits, the iGallop?! You just know someone probably made a million dollars off of that thing. Next thing you know they’ll be trying to market the Liberator sex cushion as an integral part of your daily abdominal workout. Feh.

  11. DogsDontPurr

    I totally want an iGallop now! That would seriously round out my collection of useless exercise equipment. Ha! I must enter the contest. Heck, I should win just because of the sheer numbers of stupid things I’ve been sucked into buying! Too funny!

  12. Y

    haha. I just watched the iGallop video again…. I think they should start selling those at Passion Parties.

  13. SheilaInVA

    My name is Sheila and I am addicted to buying fitness gear and never using it. And I am the total loser for I bought………………the Oxycise videos. Not one set , but two – one for my sis…..:::hanging head in shame:::: (It’s collecting dust along with my Dancing to the Oldies)

  14. Lauren

    Hahahahahaha Y – selling them at passion parties….hahahahahahaha!!! Oh thank you for this, I just totally peed my pants. Seriously, though, how have I lived my life without knowing the wonders that are the iGallop and BodyBlade?!

  15. Lisa

    Dude I totally considered lying and saying I’d bought the Body Blade in the hopes on winning the Wii. Spouse and I used to scream for each other to come when we’d spot it on TV – then we’d laugh until we cried and our abs ached. Awesome workout. Anyway if it wasn’t for that damned iGallop you’d be a shoe-in.

  16. dana michelle

    I totally remember when you purchased the Body Blade! It was so fun to read that story again, but THIS sentence illustrates why I love you so much:
    “So, unless PigHunter threw it away when we moved, that Rubber F*cker is still collecting dust somewhere in my garage.”
    I gotta tell ya. I’m pretty sure a rubber f*cker is something else, entirely! Hee!!

  17. lisa

    you are the funniest.blogger.i.have.ever.found.
    i’m not kidding.
    my husband became mildly alarmed at how hard i was laughing as i read and reread this post.

  18. Rachael

    Your post today was the highlight of my day. Seriously. I am still chuckling… And that guy in the video, TWO rubber blade things? Holy cow.

  19. Kristin

    I bought Oxycise… and guess what? Breathing weird for 7 minutes a day will NOT get you fit!!
    *hangs head in shame*

  20. suzr

    What’s sadder? That I actually DID purchase the Oxycise videos (never broke the shrinkwrap!)? Or that I completely forgot that I did when listing my embarrassing purchases for Jenny’s contest!?!?!?
    D’oh!

  21. Lisse

    When’s the last time you did a workout dressed like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader? It’s not the equipment that’s holding you back, Y. It’s the wardrobe!

  22. Lily

    The marketing slogan for the iGallop should be:
    ‘Screw your way to health’. Seriously who needs a man with the iGallop in production?
    Also, Rubber Fucker is probably the funniest phrase I’ve ever heard. Period. I will now replace the word mother with rubber when driving. “Green means go you Rubber Fucker!”

  23. Neil

    Back in my single days, I was convinced that I knew what women wanted — six pack abs. I bought the Ab Roller and some other contraption that I threw out a long time ago. Probably my biggest waste of money was joining 24 Hour Fitness for three years, and going twice (mostly to have a protein drink).

  24. Lena

    HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
    The last time I did anything that resembled either of those videos I ended up pregnant.

  25. manager mom

    awww, dang. Missed the giveaway.
    But I haven’t bought so much embarassing equipment as clothing. I think my “do-rag” hair covering phase is one that is best kept in the vault.

  26. dana

    I have to say that I liked Sweatin’ to the Oldies. I knew all the lyrics to those songs because my parents had them on vinyl. :) Is it wrong to admit that? I feel a little embarrassed, now that I read the comment again.

  27. chris

    when you publish the best of Y, THIS one has to be the lead post! awesomely funny because SO many of us totally relate to it!)

  28. SarahDragon

    In case I don’t win the WiiFit, do you know where to get aerobic dance videos? That actually sounds fun and my kids could participate, too… I gave up on my biggest loser video after letting that jerk kick my ass for five months and seeing absolutely NO improvement… It’s like I’m immune to weight loss! And that was the most torturous five months of my life, so you can see why I’m reluctant to try anything else without hearing glowing reviews like your aerobic dance posts : )

  29. Loralee

    OMG. That blade thing is slaying me.
    I may or may not have had a swing like contraption purchased by someone I may have been married to with the explanation that it would ‘Be a totally great workout”.
    Um…Not.

  30. SarahDragon

    Forgot to mention that I was following the prescribed biggest loser workout regiment, boot camp and cardio alternately, five to six days per week. For five months. And did not lose a single inch from my waist, thighs, or jiggly arms.
    I did firm up a bit, but my main goal was to shrink my waist & hips, and I must admit I entertained fantasies in which I regained the amazing 6-pack abs of my high school days… Before two marriages and two children…
    And I’m pretty sure my contest entry won’t net me the Wii… Too many better, funnier, more engaging entries for mine to make the top ten…

  31. schoolofmom

    I cannot stop laughing at the last clip. OMG. Why would… no, never mind. Y, you have just made Monday my new favorite day (since I didn’t read this post till, you know, today) and that I think makes you at least a demigoddess.

  32. Burgh Baby

    There is a Paula Abdul workout video in our TV cabinet. Strangely, it doesn’t cover the whole bulimia as a weight loss technique theory. It does, however, make me look like a giant ass for ever thinking that a lady that dances with a cartoon cat was going to magically bestow me with the coordination required to do two consecutive dance steps.

  33. Beth

    Hi! This is my first visit to your site; I found you on My Semblance of Sanity.
    This was a great post! I actually don’t have any ‘embarrassing’ fitness purchase stories; just “why did I piss my money away on this” stories.
    I bought Sweating with the Oldies at a garage sale and was SO happy because I had been thinking about getting it and now wouldn’t have to pay full price buying it online. However, I have yet to use it… and I bought it last summer. My enthusiasm really took me far, eh? I also bought Tae-Bo workout tapes back when they first came out. I tried doing the tape once but after I felt like I had strained an organ out of alignment, those tapes became a nice dust collector on my shelf. My mother purchased a Jennie Garth workout tape for me in my teens and I think I watched it once. Somehow, watching someone mess up their “dialogue” and giggle like an idiot didn’t make me have a lot of faith in following their routine. So now I use a Denise Austin tape from the 80s, complete with hair, music, and wardrobe that always make me think of the Olivia Newton-John video “Let’s Get Physical”.
    If I could just bottle up all my good intentions about working out and convert that energy to some magic fat-burning potion, I’d be thin in about 3 hits!
    So anyway, thanks for a good laugh. :)

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