I kinda miss calling it The Weapon of Mass Fertilization.

I was going through old files on my computer tonight and I saw a Word document titled “VAS.” Unable to remember what the hell it was about, I opened it up and found this one little paragraph.

When I walked into the bathroom and saw the freshly cut pubes laying atop a piece of toilet paper in a perfect “mound” of curly goodness, I dry heaved for a minute or eight, and but then, I smiled. And that smile grew into a full blown laugh as I shouted “This is going to be the greatest thing to ever happen to us!”

Oh! “VAS” = Vasectomy!
Today was the one year anniversary of The Vasectomy!
I don’t know why I never went back and tried to write about the experience in detail because honestly? It was one of the most hilarious days of my entire life.
(And the days following it were pretty damn funny too. COOKAYS!)
I remember everything about that day, from the fresh mound of shaven pubes, to the look on his face as the nurse called his name. But the part that I remember the most– the absolute best part of that day– (and probably of my existence) is when my husband opened the door to the waiting room after having had his sac sliced open and stitched back up.
Every man in there looked up at him, waiting for some sort of signal that it wasn’t as bad as they were imagining it to be. I could see the fear in their eyes. It was as if they were aching to scream “HOW BAD DID IT HURT, DUDE?” but instead, they watched my freshly sterilized husband as he stood there attempting to walk without looking like a complete jackass.
He stood there for a minute, unsure of what to do with all of the eyeballs staring at his wounded (but clothed) balls. He finally began to walk towards us with a walk that conveyed much pain and suffering.
“DON’T DO IT!” he shouted to the men who were watching his every move. “SERIOUSLY, do not go in there!”
No one laughed.
And because that wasn’t embarrassing enough, he said “Just kidding. It wasn’t that bad, I always walk like this, I ride horses for a living.”
He was dead to me until we got to the parking lot because… dude that was awkward. But oh, how we laugh about it now.
In all seriousness, I am grateful that my husband was willing to go through the procedure so that we could resume a normal sex life after an unplanned pregnancy. I know he was scared and would have rather NOT had his balls sliced open, but he did.
Because he loves (to have sex with) me.
Awww.

40 thoughts on “I kinda miss calling it The Weapon of Mass Fertilization.

  1. Brandie

    Has it been a year? I was here for that….and before, and yet I have NEVER left a comment. Y, you are my absolute favorite blogger. I have laughed so hard I’ve cried and I have bawled so hard my husband thought I was nuts. You ROCK!

    Reply
  2. Mrs Butter B

    So sentimentally wonderfully….
    (And I have to confess, I’ve been storing away money to have my hubby’s vas reversed. And he’s in agreement. Our kids are almost out of the house, and we’re thinking about firing up the old weapon again. How twisted is that?)

    Reply
  3. Pam

    SWEET! Two posts about penises (or is that penisi?) and vaginas and SEX!
    I wish I could get mine to get the snip. We’re going on 7 years of tempting fate, if you know what I mean.

    Reply
  4. Angella

    Oh, that was more than a little funny. I LOVE that he yelled that to the guys in the waiting room. I just had my hubby read it, and he laughed too.
    Because my husband also loves (to have sex with) me. ;)

    Reply
  5. moe berg

    you should have stuffed a little tiny pillow with “the mound” and kept it as a keepsake of the big day.
    happy anniversary.
    and i don’t imagine we have to ask how you’re celebrating.

    Reply
  6. Kathy from NJ

    If your stats show that someone was on your site for 3 hrs this morning between approx 4 & 7 am eastern time, it was me. I read your page, then went back to bed but forgot to close it.

    Reply
  7. Natalie

    Holy crap, he yelled at the men in the waiting room?!?!?
    THAT IS GENIUS.
    Pighunter is my new hero. That “I ride horses for a living” comment? Brilliant!

    Reply
  8. dee

    wait, it’s been that long? i hope you’ve been having more jesus-approved sex that you ever have… (or, if the living with the ‘rents thing held ya’ll back, i hope the new place sees more lovin!)

    Reply
  9. Y

    I think you guys should start an Internet Campaign to make him start a blog
    Oh, wait.
    That would mean I’d have to teach him how to use the computer. And that I would have to share it with him.
    HAHA.NEVERMIND

    Reply
  10. FishyGirl

    That is freakin funny! I remember the post about the cookays last year and I remember reading it to my DH. Ya’ll’s love was clear. Happy Snip-aversary?

    Reply
  11. Heather

    Hello, we are friends with Billy and Tara and we’ve started a new website (www.popularbabyproducts.com). Check it out. If you like it, we would love for you to post it as a permanent link on your blog so that others can view it as well. Thanks so much, Lance and Heather

    Reply
  12. Kelley

    My husband ASSISTED in his on vascetomy. Old country hospital, nurse had the runs, no one else to help.
    Husband, being the freak of nature that watched my caesarian with wonder, was fascinated. Held the instruments, adjusted the to-be-operated-on area and asked if the doc had a mirror so he could watch.
    Thank GOD there was no one else waiting or he probably would have donned the nurses uniform and scrubbed in!

    Reply
  13. mauniejames3

    Wow!!! He really does love you…you and not so much the sex..which I’m sure is wonderful..but you so you would no longer have to worry…what a guy…your so very lucky…you must be terrific too

    Reply
  14. Kristen

    That was SO funny and my own snip-versary is August 23 (2 years this past August.) I have a great picture of DH with a bag of frozen peas just sitting on the couch! It is so funny!!

    Reply

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