My life B.J (Before Judy) was pretty normal.
Well, as normal as ones life can be with three kids and 2 bulging disks, anyway.
If I wanted to hop in my van to go grab a caramel macchiato from Starbucks, well then I’d freaking hop in my van and head on over to Starbucks.
If I wanted to sit outside in the grass to watch my kids play while sipping on an iced green tea, well, I’d grab that iced green tea and plop my ass on the grass.
Oh, how I miss those days.
Now, if I want to grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks, I have to look both ways before crossing the street to get into my van. And I have to RUN! And when I get back, I have to make sure “she’s” no where in site and then I have to run again to hurry back inside the house where I lock the door quickly behind me.
Now, I must do my laundry before 6 am, or wait until late at night so that there’s no chance of Judy “walking her dog” around the block and WHOOPS! Right up onto my front door step.
I’m all jumpy and irrational any time I have to go out front and trust me, I have GOOD REASON to be this way.
This morning, I had exactly 10 minutes before I needed to be on a conference call (omg! Am a work at home mom!) so I thought I’d strip the bed and throw my sheets in the laundry real quick. I figured it was safe, because it was already over 100 degrees outside and surely, Judy wouldn’t walk her dog in the 100+ heat, right?
I opened the front door, bed sheets in hand and about halfway to the garage, I heard what sounded EXACTLY like a Crazy Old Lady walking a dog.
Oh Shit! Can not talk to her. Phone call in 10 minutes. AHHHHHH!
I ran into the garage as fast as one can run with 2 bulging disks and dirty sheets in hand and peeked through the garage window.
Oh my God! Judy!
I darted for the side door, which leads to the backyard. Just as I was about to quietly close it behind me, I caught a glimpse of Judy walking across the grass towards the front door.
Oh SHIT again! Did she see me? And if she did, is she going to start chasing after me?
She obviously didn’t see me, because she started knocking on the front door. “Helloooooooo”
Oh shit, yet again!
The boys were inside and what if they answered the door and were all “Yeah, she’s here, let me get her!”
I was going to pound on their window and start shouting things like “do not answer the dooorrrr!!” But then, I remembered Judy was just a few feet away and would hear me if I began shouting through the window.
AHHHHHHHH, WHY DID I EVER TALK TO YOU, YOU FREAK OF A NEIGHBOR?!
So, I ran through the back yard, to the sliding glass window. I threw it open and ran down the hall, where my children were watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, completely oblivious to little old lady pounding on the front door (and the fact that their mother had been hiding from said crazy person in the back yard.)
“Mom, why are you out of breath?”
“Yeah, and why are you sweating?”
Ohhhhhh… haha, that. Um, well, I was hiding from Judy again.
I’m sure their “Respect” for me as a mother and a human being went up about 10 notches right then and there.
My mom, she’s great. She hides from old people. You should hang out with her sometime.
(Because this isn’t the first time I’ve ran away/hid from Judy. Last Saturday, Tony saw her coming up the street while he was washing the van and calmly told me to “go inside.” And because I knew exactly why he was telling me to go inside, I jumped up off of the porch and RAN inside.)
(Where I then proceeded to take a picture of her standing by my van, just in case I ever need it as EVIDENCE for that restraining order.)
She’s all “Oh, hi, I’m just innocently walking my dog not at all LOOKING FOR YOUR WIFE WHO I PLAN ON COUNSELING REGARDING BUYING OR RENTING BECAUSE IT IS MY BUSINESS AND JUST WHERE IN THE HELL IS THAT PUSSY OF A WOMAN HIDING AT?!”
(Ok, not really, but that’s kind of what I imagine is going through her precious little head as she’s standing there waiting for me to SHOW MY FACE.)
I know there’s a very good chance that I’m being unfair to Judy and that she’s really a precious old woman who has a good heart and perhaps a few thousand dollars that she’s just waiting to transfer into my bank account to help me buy a house because she’s not a crazy stalker at all, but an Angel Unaware who has been sent to heaven to show me that God is real and he loves me and wants me to live the American Dream. But, seriously, I doubt it. So, I really need to have a “conversation” with her and let her know that we really don’t need any help making any decisions about buying/renting a house because its’ a personal decision and NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS.
But Bless yer little heart, Judy. Bless yer FREAKING little heart.
My life B.J (Before Judy) was pretty normal.