And I swear to The Bobs, she is walking up the driveway as I am typing this.

Would you think I’m asshole if I filed a restraining order against a little old lady?
Because I’m being stalked by a little old lady and I’m a leeeetle scared.
A couple weeks ago, I was outside cleaning the inside of my van. A little old lady who was walking a cute little dog stopped in front of the driveway to make small talk with me.
“It sure is hot!” She said in her sweet little old lady voice.
“Oh, it is.” I replied.
I could tell that she wasn’t going to leave any time soon by the way she placed her foot on the curb. Were I a body language expert, I would have said that move right there meant “I have no where to go or anyone to talk to, I think I’ll stay here for a while!”
She started asking me questions and since I don’t like to be rude to old people, I was answering her questions.
She asked how long we had lived here and that’s when I told her that “oh, haha! This isn’t our house! We’re just staying here with my parents until we find a place!”
I regret telling her that more than you’ll ever know.
I don’t know why, but I always assume Old Person= Harmless.
I forget that Old People used to be Young People and could have been and possibly still are fucking crazy.
All of a sudden, our friendly little conversation about “the weather” turned into a 2 hour lecture about how I should “sit down and communicate my feelings with my mother” and how I should “consider looking into first time homebuyer programs instead of renting again” and how people “borrowed money from her and never paid her back.”
I wanted to get away from her, but she kept talking and talking and talking and at one point, I didn’t even hear her words anymore because I was too busy searching for the right words to MAKE HER SHUTUP AND GO AWAY.
I can’t remember exactly how I was finally able to get away from her, but I did and I was glad.
Later on that evening, the family was getting ready to leave for basketball practice. The kids piled up in the van and we waited for PigHunter to go get his wallet (that he forgets every single time we get in the car to leave somewhere. AH!) As I was sitting there, I saw Little Old Lady walking down the street.
Oh shit!. I panicked a little because, well, the car was parked in the street and she would see me and probably want to talk again.
Because I am really smart, I turned around to act as if I talking about something very important with my kids.
“Boys, there’s a lady coming down the street who I do NOT want to talk to. I’m pretending like I’m talking to you so that I don’t have to look her way!”
“Um, mom, she’s walking towards the van.”
“I know, DO NOT LOOK AT HER. STOP LOOKING AT HER.”
I could see the looks on their faces and they told me that something very bad was about to happen.
*BANG BANG BANG*
Holy Mother of Old People. That crazy old hag was banging on my window.
I rolled down the window and acted surprised to see her.
Apparently, she had been “thinking” about our conversation earlier and had come to the conclusion that I needed her to help me decide whether I should buy a house or rent a house. She also had decided that I needed her to tell me what I should say to my mother so that our living arrangement didn’t ruin our relationship.
She told me she was going to look into programs for first time home buyers and that she was going to pray for us.
You’re probably thinking “that’s so sweet and kind and also innocent!”
But, it’s not any of those things, because the lady is ceraaaaazy.
Two days later, she started banging on the door at 8 am while screaming “HELLO? HEELLOOOOOOOOO?” Yvoooooonne?”
My mom answered and was like “Hi, who are you?”
And she said these exact words. “I’m Judy, I’m trying to help Y decide if she should buy or rent a house.”
She then proceeded to ask my mom for my phone number and because my mother doesn’t like me very much, she gave it to her.
A few minutes later, my phone rang and it was Judy!
“I just want to talk with you about a few options that I found for you, call me back as soon as you can!”
I didn’t call her back because, oh my God, who are you, old lady? And why are you all up in my bidness?
Well, Judy doesn’t like to be ignored.
The next day, she was at the front door shouting my name again. And when no one answered, she started banging on my bedroom window.
Hold me. Hide me. Tell me it’s going to be ok.
She’s stopped by the house numerous times when I’m not home and the word on the street is that she’s pretty fucking pissed off that I’m not returning her phone calls.
I’ve thought about calling her back, but my “gut” tells me that would be a bad idea, because Judy is crazy and calling her back would be “encouraging the crazy.”
I know that I’m going to have to talk to her eventually and tell her something like “hey, thanks for trying to help, that’s so nice of you, but we’ll figure this thing out on our own.”
I’m just afraid that Judy won’t be very happy when I tell her that and that she’ll beat me to death with her dog walking stick with a sweet little smile on her face while she’s doing it.
So, until I summon the courage, I’ll continue to sleep with the window locked and seriously think about filing that restraining order.

83 thoughts on “And I swear to The Bobs, she is walking up the driveway as I am typing this.

  1. Mrs Butter B

    You make me want to go shut my blinds. And quite possibly only park in the garage. And only walk my dogs at night.
    But its too hot and I’m too lazy, so if I’m lucky enough to get stalked, I hope she brings ice cream. (Sugar free of course).

  2. zdoodlebub

    I am so with you on your original intention to “be nice to old people.” My beef with them relates to autism – my guy has it, albeit mildly. I swear in the last week about 50 of them have intruded on our lives (in line at the store, at church, on our front doorstep) and, because my guy is not the best at the social stuff (especially if you are a politically-correct-to-be-afraid-of STRANGER!), we essentially get berated at some point for not being friendly enough. oy.

  3. cee

    ack! I’m thinking if she’s so freakin’ bold as to knock on windows and crazy stuff… go all crazy on her ass right back! Tell her she’s crossed the line, and better back off and mind her own bizness…. or, I suppose a politer way of expressing that sentiment… but, really, I think polite would be lost on her… YIKES!! How come all this crazy stuff keeps hapening to ya?!! ;)

  4. Faith

    I had a stalker once during my senior year in college. I met this random guy in the elevator of my building I lived in at the time, and for some reason, when he asked for my number I gave it to him. He also somehow saw where I lived after I got off the elevator (my apartment was around a corner and down a long hallway…he must have followed me without me noticing, which is NUTS).
    He called, and called, and called. And THEN he decided to drop by one morning before I went to school. I was home, and watching t.v. I turned it UP so he could tell that I was home, I heard him, and I wanted him to know that I was ignoring his ass. He dropped by a few more times after that, and each time, I did the same thing. One time he dropped by when my bro-in-law and sister were visiting. My BIL answered the door, and told him I wasn’t home, even though I was cowering over on the couch where he couldn’t see me.
    I finally left a message for him on my outgoing message for my voice mail. I had spoken to the police and gotten their advice, and they suggested that I try this. So I told the guy (and anyone else that was calling my home) that I was sorry for misleading him, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with him, and I’d very much appreciate it if he would leave me alone from then on. I also told my apartment management about his activities, and they told me he was not a lease-holder, and that I should be very careful as he was basically “squatting” in what they thought was his girlfriend’s apartment. Yikes!
    Anyway, it worked. He left me one more very angry, nasty, cuss-laden message on my home phone after hearing that message I’d left for him, and then he never called me again.
    You might give it a go. Passive-aggressiveness at it’s best!

  5. jules

    You do attract the crazies Y! Then again so do I . . .I had a homeless guy follow me to the store (about half a mile), telling me his life story and then shoplift an enormous block of cheese and try to sell it to me for 50 cents. Yeah-that impressed me. Then he tried to kiss me . . .(shudder).

  6. Scout's Honor

    I shivered at the bedroom knocking. Oh. God. Oh. God. Hyperventilating here.
    Can you bribe your sons to get a bb gun to cap her ass? Maybe she’ll have a Pavlonian response and clear out. She’s sounding like a ser-i-ous stalker. {Hugs}

  7. DOMESTIC DIVA

    oh my goodness. That is too funny. She is probably really lonely. I feel sorry for her but I also feel sorry for you because she sounds to me to be really crazy. Knocking on your window. Forget that mess I would have called the police.

  8. Aimee

    Try being stalked by a young couple in your own neighborhood. The drunken husband banging on our door at midnight made for great laughs/paranoia. After other absurdities, I finally wrote a nice little passive aggressive note on my monogrammed stationary asking them a polite kindly leave us the **** alone.

  9. tiffany

    you can hide at my house, if you want. it’s in michigan…but i will prop your feet on a pillow and feed you vodka and vicodin (for your neck! not for recreation!) and then you can make me laugh all day.
    wait, now i sound like the crazy lady.
    anyway, that lady sounds like a nightmare. not like you needed one more reason to get out of your parent’s house as soon as possible.
    it’s too bad, really. if you have to have a stalker, it seems like maybe the universe could send you a hot-guy stalker, or something.
    this just blows.

  10. Nancy

    And on the flip side …
    what if CRAZY LADY is one of those millionaire’s that secretly help people, but make sure they are worthy?
    nah, prolly not, no way …. but then again ….

  11. Wacky Mommy

    E-mail me her number. I will totally call her for you and say whatever you want me to. I live for shit like this. Better yet, I’ll e you *my* Nasty Neighbor’s home phone, you tell Crazy Ol’ Lady *that’s* your new number (“I wanted to make sure you had it! Ta-ta for now!”) and she and Nasty Neighbor can talk about how nutty you and I both are.

  12. Helen

    Tell her you are so touched that she cares so much and that you had a GREAT idea, you and yours will
    move in with HER, would $50 a week rent be good? Then call her every 20 minutes for 3 hours…she’ll be the one running I tell you, oh and make sure that the kids are screaming and fighting in the background when you call. You could even send the pig hunter around to her house to check out which rooms would suit you best. Go on, I dare ya!

  13. Wacky Mommy

    Dude. This is so easy! Why didn’t I think of this when our neighbor was stalking me? Ask to borrow a lot of money from her, “…because you’re totally right! I’ve realized that! We need to buy a HUGE HOUSE and we need to buy is RIGHT NOW! Pretty please can I have 100k for a nice down payment?” Wash, rinse and repeat.

  14. AmyM

    Ah ha! Holy crap that’s funny! I thought my old neighbor was bad. She has 4 or 5 stories that she likes to tell over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I heard the story about the flower-stealing neighbor 3 times in a 24 hour period. So now I pretty much avoid going outside if I can help it. Which is why my flowerbeds look like hell.
    This is why I want to live in the country. Surrounded by no one.

  15. Karly

    “I forget that Old People used to be Young People and could have been and possibly still are fucking crazy.” Not something you’ll be forgetting again, I bet.
    My husband used to have an old (gay) man that stalked him at the restaurant we both worked at as teens. He would not speak to anyone but Cleatus and he was always bringing him old used dirty baseballs. It was EFFED UP!

  16. AJ

    Delurking. I can barely type as I am laughing so hard I am shaking. Are you sure you don’t live in my high-rise in Chicago? Because I swear we have the same neighbor. This crazy bat stops me every stinkin’ time I leave the house to yell at me about something “I” have done wrong. It is like she watches my door and waits for it to open. (BTW, I have 500 “neighbors”. I am never home. I have never done anything that would piss this lady off). I swear, there is one in every neighborhood. I wouldn’t think you were an asshole if you got a restraining order- I would give you a medal!! Good luck!! Can’t wait to hear what works!

  17. Jessica Davenport

    What’s that CS Lewis quote? Something like: “There’s are certain type of people who dedicate their lives to helping others. You can always tell the others by the hunted looks on their faces.” :) Good luck. I’d go with Helen’s suggestion, stalk her back. But not really, because I’m ascared of crazy stalkers. I’d hide if it was me.

  18. Amy the Mom

    Oh yeah. I’m a crazy magnet, too. Back when I was a single mom, there was the crazy, perpetually drunk old guy who lived across the street. Watched me constantly, came over all the time, scared my friends, asked if my girl friends and I were lesbians…yeah, I don’t miss that bastard AT ALL. It took a call to the cops to get rid of him, and finally a move.

  19. Deesofnights

    I like what Nancy said. Maybe she’s a crazy old millionaire, looking for someone to give her fortune to. You should be really, really nice to her, just in case…

  20. Laura in Michigan

    My sister’s old boyfriend, Glen, used to get stalked by a gay gentleman that used to like to dress up like a baby. He would open his door in a diaper holding a bottle of baby powder. When Glen started finding babypowder just outside his front door, he called the police too. Imagine that police report!!

  21. Beverly

    Delurking to say that it sounds like you’ve met my grandmother.
    Also, when I get out of my car in my driveway each evening, I can lean over the fence and touch the side of the house next door it’s so close. It also happens to be a half-way house for mental patients. Good times.

  22. erin

    Maybe if you got your crazy old woman together with Metalia’s crazy hobos they would fall in love and leave you alone? Just a suggestion…

  23. Lena

    I wasn’t too concerned about this until SHE STARTED INTERRUPTING OUR CONVERSATIONS.
    I say it’s time we take her for “a drive”.

  24. Edie

    My story is kind of a…. reverse stalker thing I guess you’d say. Many years ago when I lived with my ex husband (you will soon realize the kind of thing that made him my ex) there was a homeless man in my town that you saw around quite a lot. He was a drunk, a little crazy, dirty and smelly but harmless. Guy looked EXACTLY like Mr. Edwards from Little House on the Prairie.
    One day I was sitting out on my porch smoking a cigarette and he came ambling into the neighborhood. When he saw me he came ambling toward me, right up on the porch where he told me I had pretty hair and asked for a cigarette. I’m the kind of person that has trouble saying no but I’m not stupid so I gave him a cig and made it clear I wasn’t in the talking mood (he tried, was hinting for money) and went inside.
    A few days later me and my daughter were in the house watching TV. Husband was outside tinkering around. When he came in… he brought the homeless guy with him. Right into my house. Showed him around, including ours and our daughters bedrooms! The poor guy was very obviously uncomfortable and kept trying to leave but my husband wouldn’t let him. Literally grabbed a hold of him and told him no no stick around. Showed him his knives and a sword and told him some embarrassing thing that had happened to my daughter that day which he had no business telling ANYONE let alone a complete stranger. Then he gave him 5 of our movies, bagged up all our cans and bottles and gave him a ride to the store to cash them in.
    As soon as he came back from the store Mr. Edwardsless I screamed, “OMG, why did you just bring that guy into our house?!? Are you CRAZY? Why did you just give FIVE of our movies to a complete stranger that is HOMELESS?!? What the hell is a bum gonna do with movies?!?”
    “Watch them?” husband asked as smart assed as he could.
    “WHEEEEEERE?!? He’s HOMELESS! Homeless people don’t have VCR’s!”
    At which point he stood there blinking at me and turning red. “Oh,” he said. “I didn’t think of that.”
    We had a long “discussion” about that little incident.

  25. Kris

    Next time she comes around, get in real close, start looking really paranoid and say, “We can’t talk now….they’re watching and they can hear everything! (Then keep looking up into the sky like the aliens are gonna come down and probe you.)

  26. Sharon

    That lady is obviously way out of line. She has no life. She would like to borrow yours.
    The tough love approach works best. She’ll get over it. Or not. Either way, you’ve been extraordinarily patient.

  27. teresa

    This kind of stuff always happens to me! My husband says I am too nice to people….and that I need to stop smiling so much. :)
    My most resent stalker was a mentally challenged bagboy at my grocery store. After I spoke to him once…he stalked me whenever I entered the store….peeking down the aisle. If he would be bagging on another line…he would see me and move to mine. He would always finish bagging and then try to take my cart to my car….even when I only had two bags. I finally had to snatch my cart and yell NO! He grumbled something and went off. I thought that would do it…but apparently he has no long term memory. Cause it would happen over and over. Did I mention he was huge…and a close talker…and spit when he talked?
    Needless to say…I now shop at another store.

  28. Annie

    Yikes, that is really creepy! Even though she’s probably harmless, it’s annoying as heck and totally out of line. I just don’t understand what makes some people think that complete strangers want their unsolicited advice. And not just a once-off but ongoing consulations? Yikes.
    I went through a period in college where my friends nicknamed me “Freak Magnet” because anytime we went out in public, the one crazy person in the area would latch onto me. Generally they were the run-of-the-mill homeless crazies, but there were a few stalkers who seemed normal at first. (Trickery!) My favorite incident was a trip to DC when a homeless man serenaded me at the top of his lungs in Union Station. It was embarrassing and awkward, but it down right scary when he started saying things like, “I’m going to take you back home, where we know how to treat a woman.” Needless to say, we hightailed it out of there.

  29. Redneck Mommy

    I’m trying to decide whether it would be wise to laugh or to hide in the corner and hope the little ole lady doesn’t find me…
    She sounds a bit like my mother in law…and I can’t get rid of that aging bitch either…
    Did I just type that out loud? Damn it.

  30. Incognito

    Uh… tell her to fuck off and mind her own business. I’m serious! Screw that old hag! Tell her that she is insulting your intelligence by insinuating that you aren’t not smart enough to do your own research. While you appreciate her concern, tell her that you will accept her prayers, but nothing more. Then tell her to fuck off!

  31. MsRebecca

    Judy sounds like a freak, I wouldn’t bat an eye if you decided to restrain her from being within 10 ft. of you.. what the hell is wrong with her? find out her last name , do a background check, go burn her house down then… turn the tables on her and pester her to death while annoyingly helping her find another city to live in.. Nuff said~

  32. Tammie

    Guardian Angels come in all forms.
    Who knows maybe she is CRAZY and RICH! Maybe she will leave you all her worldly goods just because you took the time to befriend her…. hey it could happen!

  33. Laura

    Umm, PICTURES PLEASE!
    Maybe the cell phone picture taking alone will be enough to send her away. Or tell the truth if she is a reality TV show, ha!

  34. Angel

    Don’t feed the Crazy.
    I’d try being direct, then go with your gut on how to handle it (LOVE Wacky’s suggestions!)
    Wow, and I thought my neighbor was a nutjob. Well, he is, but he’s mostly an ass.
    Good luck! Update us!!

  35. Nila

    You are in trouble Y. Little old ladies are the best stalkers. I live on a street with a lot of little old ladies. The conversations are very hard to wrap up.
    It could be good karma to be nice to a lonely old lady. They are lonely. My neighbor never had kids and her husband died, so we’re very friendly with her. But she’s not crazy or stalkirific. Good luck!

  36. Stephanie

    Tell her you are so touched that she cares so much and that you had a GREAT idea, you and yours will
    move in with HER, would $50 a week rent be good? Then call her every 20 minutes for 3 hours…she’ll be the one running I tell you, oh and make sure that the kids are screaming and fighting in the background when you call. You could even send the pig hunter around to her house to check out which rooms would suit you best. Go on, I dare ya!
    Oh I love this idea she had… you have got to do this.

  37. Laural

    When I used to live in a condo I had a neighbour like that. Except that there were all sorts of condo politics and she latched on to me as her only hope. It was horrible!!!
    I actually put an extra lock on my door and ended up talking to our property manager about her. I was home on mat leave for the year. She would not leave me alone.
    eventually they sold and moved out.

  38. Jenn

    Oh my GOD I think there’s a rule that old ladies named Judy are definitely crazy by default! I work with a super super crazy little old lady named Judy and she is THIS KIND OF CRAZY for REALZ. In fact, if I didn’t for sure that you live on the other coast I would swear that this was her.
    Good luck. I would probably be doing like you, just trying to hide and avoid. Often now at work I just walk away while she is talking to me because DUDE SHE IS CRAZY AND I CAN’T STAND IT.

  39. Jenn

    Oh my GOD I think there’s a rule that old ladies named Judy are definitely crazy by default! I work with a super super crazy little old lady named Judy and she is THIS KIND OF CRAZY for REALZ. In fact, if I didn’t for sure that you live on the other coast I would swear that this was her.
    Good luck. I would probably be doing like you, just trying to hide and avoid. Often now at work I just walk away while she is talking to me because DUDE SHE IS CRAZY AND I CAN’T STAND IT.

  40. Jenn

    Oops sorry, I didn’t mean to post that twice. My internet spazzed out. But it almost deserves a double post because that’s how crazy my Judy is. Maybe we should start some kind of support network.

  41. Maria

    I haven’t prayed in more than 20 years, but I will pray that you get away from that crazy old lady. Sometimes being nice/polite has its drawbacks and it sucks.

  42. BOSSY

    Right. She seems totally sane to Bossy. Spewing opinions, banging on windows – sounds like Bossy in old age (which as we all know begins in about five minutes.)

  43. Rachael

    Oh my. I believe when I read about the bedroom window-banging, my eyebrows shot up into my hairline to hide. They haven’t come back down yet. I can feel them up there, trembling.
    Can you imagine what her kids must have gone through? Assuming a deaf man porked her to create them. Because, dude, ain’t no other WAY.

  44. Laura

    The fact that she said she was going to pray for you makes me suspect that you could get rid of her by explaining that you’ve turned your house-hunting efforts over to your lesbian lover.

  45. Heather

    hm, my mom’s name is judy. and yes, she’s batpoop crazy. not banging on stranger’s bedroom windows crazy, but you never know.
    my sister has what i call “just add water” stalkers. she says hi, and bam, they reveal their inner evil natures. i’m too much of a witch for stalkers. i’ll be nice to a point, but if some nut job was banging on my windows, you can bet i’d be outside, screaming and going ape poop on their butts.

  46. Matthew M. F. Miller

    I was once being stalked by an old man when I worked at an ice cream store in Iowa City. He used to sit outside and wait for me, and when he came in to order he’d specifically wait until I could help him.
    I called the cops, and they made him leave.
    I say do it – old people can be creepy.

  47. MadHotMama

    Lurker delurking!!!
    I was LMFAO when I read your post. I think you almost got me fired. My boss came in wondering what in the blazes I was laughing about as I stared at my spreadsheet. Ah, well. It was worth it.
    LOVE your site. LOVE your posts.

  48. girplease

    If I lived in CA, I would have asked if that was my mom.
    Y what she did was intrusive. File a restraining order on her ass. Or at the very least, tell the cops. What does Pig Hunter say?

  49. Lisse

    This kinda thing always seems to happen to you and it makes for the funniest stories!
    Laura from Michigan – That is just about the weirdest thing I have ever heard.

  50. patois

    Man, what dosen’t happen to you? I know those types of conversations and why I’m unable to keep my side of them up. It’s because I’m saying, “Shut the fuck up. Please, shut the fuck up. SHUT THE FUCK UP.” My sympathies.

  51. Lainey-Paney

    OMG!
    Have you seen that moviem “Duplex” with Drew Barrymore & Ben Stiller?
    It’s got a crazy-ass old lady in it…she’s a little stalker…and I think it’s hilarious!

  52. Amy

    Hello??!!?? Update, so we know the crazy old bag didn’t break into the house and carry you off, kicking and screaming!!

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