On Tuesday, I saw two doctors about my “condition.”
I cried at LEAST 10 times during those 2 hours.
I don’t even know where to begin.
Hmm. How to write this and make sense while doped up and bitter…
I know! Let’s start with my weight! Because I just love talking about my weight!
About two months ago, I rejoined weight watchers to try to lose the 30 pounds that I had put back on. I wasn’t perfect, but I was working out consistently 3-4 days a week. I lost 3 pounds the first week and then, nothing.
I was upset and frustrated, but I kept doing what I needed to do. I was eating healthy, working out and trying really hard not to stress about the “numbers on the scale.”
THEN, The Neck Pain started. At first, I thought it was something that I needed to work through, so I continued working out, lifting weights and eating right.
BlogHer was coming and I wanted to lose 20 pounds before I got on that plane.
Then, the neck pain got worse and I found myself in urgent care where he said things like “MRI” and “strength deficit” and “Neurologist” and “STAY AWAY FROM THE GYM.”
I was scared, but also frustrated that I couldn’t work out because MY GOD I need to work out. But I also need to get better, so I promised I’d stay out of the gym until I knew what the problem was.
(But I did go to try a little cardio one night and whoops! Bad choice. VERY BAD CHOICE. Haven’t done it since.)
I decided that in order to lose a little weight before BlogHer (so that I could buy pretty clothes! And not be ashamed of my Triple Chin!) I would go on the Atkins diet. I always lose a lot of weight/inches on the Atkins diet.
Well, I had done it for a week, without cheating at all (I gave up Starbucks, for chrissakes!) so I was expecting to be pleasantly surprised when I stood on the scale at the doctors office.
Well, I was surprised, but not in a good way.
When I stepped on the scale, the numbers 2-0-6 flashed before my eyes.
I started to cry.
The nurse looked at me and said “How tall are you again?”
I snapped back “NOT TALL ENOUGH TO WEIGH TWO HUNDRED AND SIX POUNDS!!”
I’m embarrassed. I think more so because I was so public about my weight loss. I was all “I lost 70 pounds! And you can too! Just believe in yourself!” And now I’m all “I gained 30+ pounds back! I am a winner!”
After talking to two doctors, I’ve decided the fact that I am obese again! (OBESE!) is the least of my worries (but not really, because obesity kills!) Right now, I have to focus on healing my body and guess what? That could take MONTHS! And possibly surgery! But we won’t know for sure until the MRI is in.
For now, they’re saying “probably a herniated disk” and also “Cervical Radiculopathy.”
I sat there sobbing as my doctor told my husband just how painful this condition is. He told my husband that this is probably the worst pain I will ever experience in my life and then he used words like “excruciating” and “relentless” and “intense.”
He told me that there’s a possibility I can have this for months, but that the studies show it will heal on it’s own in time (possibly NINE MONTHS!) or, surgery is an another option, but that the surgery is pretty rough, so he suggests letting it try to heal on it’s own.
I actually thought I’d go in there and they’d say “we can have you good as new by next week and go right ahead and start working out again tomorrow!”
Instead, I walked out with the realization I’m going to be in pain for a long fucking time and orders to take steroids (because I need to be MORE PUFFY THAN I ALREADY AM!) muscle relaxers (Soma!) and vicodin.
How did this happen? I’ve heard of people who get injuries like this and I’ve heard them talk about how debilitating it is and how sometimes, they want to kill themselves because it hurts so bad. And I would feel sorry for them and think “I hope to GOD that never happens to me.”
So much for “hoping.”
My favorite part of that entire day is when the pharmacist told me that I needed to stay away from people with infectious diseases because the steroids will lower my ability to fight infection.
I looked at her, all white in the face with fear, and said “Oh noes! For how long will I be at risk? Because I am flying on a plane at the end of the month!”
She looked at me all puzzled and said “Um, are you flying to a hospital?”
“Um, no! To Chicago!”
She started laughing AT ME and said “Oh, you’re fine! Just stay away from hospitals and sick people.”
Yeah, obviously she doesn’t remember That Asshole who got on a plane with TB!
Sorry, Lena, but I’m SO wearing a surgical mask on the plane. Because, dude, I don’t want to die.
In closing, I want to say that I’ve re-evaluated what is really important and while I am not comfortable weighing 206 pounds, I realize that what’s important right now is that I take care of my mother fucking neck. I am not going to be going to the gym until the doctor says that I can go back to the gym and I am NOT GOING TO DO ANOTHER DAY OF THE ATKINS DIET. I’m going to eat all of the fruit and hummus and yogurt with granola that I fucking want to eat.
I am embarrassed to have put the weight on and I promise those of you who will come to see me speak at BlogHer that I WILL CRY when I’m up there, because I can’t stop crying every time I think about how frustrated I am with this entire situation. But, I also realize that my weight does not define me as a person and that no one else really cares how much I weigh and that I really need to get over it and just enjoy my life the best that I can while clusters of nerves are being pinched and I am doped up on drugs.
Now, who wants to party with me at BlogHer? (MORE LIKE BLOGHURT!) Come on, you know you want to watch me pop pills and hold my neck while you drink the booze I can’t drink because booze and drugs don’t mix!
No, seriously. Party in my, Lena and Kathy’s room—we even got a room by the elevator, more foot traffic.
Now, I’m probably going to take some time off of blogging, because AREN’T YOU SICK OF HEARING ABOUT MY NECK? I’ve asked a few people who I love because they make me laugh and are amazing writers to guest post for me in the meantime. Be nice to them, shower them with love and comments and don’t forget to pray for My Neck.
On Tuesday, I saw two doctors about my “condition.”