This post brought to you by: Lots of Drugs!

On Tuesday, I saw two doctors about my “condition.”
I cried at LEAST 10 times during those 2 hours.
I don’t even know where to begin.
Hmm. How to write this and make sense while doped up and bitter…
I know! Let’s start with my weight! Because I just love talking about my weight!
About two months ago, I rejoined weight watchers to try to lose the 30 pounds that I had put back on. I wasn’t perfect, but I was working out consistently 3-4 days a week. I lost 3 pounds the first week and then, nothing.
I was upset and frustrated, but I kept doing what I needed to do. I was eating healthy, working out and trying really hard not to stress about the “numbers on the scale.”
THEN, The Neck Pain started. At first, I thought it was something that I needed to work through, so I continued working out, lifting weights and eating right.
BlogHer was coming and I wanted to lose 20 pounds before I got on that plane.
Then, the neck pain got worse and I found myself in urgent care where he said things like “MRI” and “strength deficit” and “Neurologist” and “STAY AWAY FROM THE GYM.”
I was scared, but also frustrated that I couldn’t work out because MY GOD I need to work out. But I also need to get better, so I promised I’d stay out of the gym until I knew what the problem was.
(But I did go to try a little cardio one night and whoops! Bad choice. VERY BAD CHOICE. Haven’t done it since.)
I decided that in order to lose a little weight before BlogHer (so that I could buy pretty clothes! And not be ashamed of my Triple Chin!) I would go on the Atkins diet. I always lose a lot of weight/inches on the Atkins diet.
Well, I had done it for a week, without cheating at all (I gave up Starbucks, for chrissakes!) so I was expecting to be pleasantly surprised when I stood on the scale at the doctors office.
Well, I was surprised, but not in a good way.
When I stepped on the scale, the numbers 2-0-6 flashed before my eyes.
I started to cry.
The nurse looked at me and said “How tall are you again?”
I snapped back “NOT TALL ENOUGH TO WEIGH TWO HUNDRED AND SIX POUNDS!!”
I’m embarrassed. I think more so because I was so public about my weight loss. I was all “I lost 70 pounds! And you can too! Just believe in yourself!” And now I’m all “I gained 30+ pounds back! I am a winner!”
After talking to two doctors, I’ve decided the fact that I am obese again! (OBESE!) is the least of my worries (but not really, because obesity kills!) Right now, I have to focus on healing my body and guess what? That could take MONTHS! And possibly surgery! But we won’t know for sure until the MRI is in.
For now, they’re saying “probably a herniated disk” and also “Cervical Radiculopathy.”
I sat there sobbing as my doctor told my husband just how painful this condition is. He told my husband that this is probably the worst pain I will ever experience in my life and then he used words like “excruciating” and “relentless” and “intense.”
He told me that there’s a possibility I can have this for months, but that the studies show it will heal on it’s own in time (possibly NINE MONTHS!) or, surgery is an another option, but that the surgery is pretty rough, so he suggests letting it try to heal on it’s own.
I actually thought I’d go in there and they’d say “we can have you good as new by next week and go right ahead and start working out again tomorrow!”
Instead, I walked out with the realization I’m going to be in pain for a long fucking time and orders to take steroids (because I need to be MORE PUFFY THAN I ALREADY AM!) muscle relaxers (Soma!) and vicodin.
How did this happen? I’ve heard of people who get injuries like this and I’ve heard them talk about how debilitating it is and how sometimes, they want to kill themselves because it hurts so bad. And I would feel sorry for them and think “I hope to GOD that never happens to me.”
So much for “hoping.”
My favorite part of that entire day is when the pharmacist told me that I needed to stay away from people with infectious diseases because the steroids will lower my ability to fight infection.
I looked at her, all white in the face with fear, and said “Oh noes! For how long will I be at risk? Because I am flying on a plane at the end of the month!”
She looked at me all puzzled and said “Um, are you flying to a hospital?”
“Um, no! To Chicago!”
She started laughing AT ME and said “Oh, you’re fine! Just stay away from hospitals and sick people.”
Yeah, obviously she doesn’t remember That Asshole who got on a plane with TB!
Sorry, Lena, but I’m SO wearing a surgical mask on the plane. Because, dude, I don’t want to die.
In closing, I want to say that I’ve re-evaluated what is really important and while I am not comfortable weighing 206 pounds, I realize that what’s important right now is that I take care of my mother fucking neck. I am not going to be going to the gym until the doctor says that I can go back to the gym and I am NOT GOING TO DO ANOTHER DAY OF THE ATKINS DIET. I’m going to eat all of the fruit and hummus and yogurt with granola that I fucking want to eat.
I am embarrassed to have put the weight on and I promise those of you who will come to see me speak at BlogHer that I WILL CRY when I’m up there, because I can’t stop crying every time I think about how frustrated I am with this entire situation. But, I also realize that my weight does not define me as a person and that no one else really cares how much I weigh and that I really need to get over it and just enjoy my life the best that I can while clusters of nerves are being pinched and I am doped up on drugs.
Now, who wants to party with me at BlogHer? (MORE LIKE BLOGHURT!) Come on, you know you want to watch me pop pills and hold my neck while you drink the booze I can’t drink because booze and drugs don’t mix!
No, seriously. Party in my, Lena and Kathy’s room—we even got a room by the elevator, more foot traffic.
Now, I’m probably going to take some time off of blogging, because AREN’T YOU SICK OF HEARING ABOUT MY NECK? I’ve asked a few people who I love because they make me laugh and are amazing writers to guest post for me in the meantime. Be nice to them, shower them with love and comments and don’t forget to pray for My Neck.

84 thoughts on “This post brought to you by: Lots of Drugs!

  1. rsm

    Aww, I want to hug you, but that would probably hurt, so I’ll send you ihugs. Call me. We’ll, like, make fun of people and stuff. :P

  2. Stephanie

    Oh, Y, that sucks so much! I mean, I guess getting a diagnosis is better than no diagnosis, but damn… I can’t even imagine how much pain you are in.
    Everything you write here about your weight loss — your struggles with going up and down, how it affects your health and other parts of your life, and accepting that it doesn’t define who you are or how people see you — those are exactly what you should talk about at BlogHer. It’s NOT an easy process for most people, and no one is going to feel better just seeing people up there who are all like, “Yeah, I dropped 100 pounds and it was just the easiest thing in the world.” Because those people are LIARS (and if not, well, then, that’s just not fair), and it’s your real stories of how it’s not easy and it is work and that despite setbacks, you keep at it because you want to be healthy and there for your family that people can really identify with and that motivate people. So you aren’t quite where you want to be yet, so what? It’s the journey that’s important, right?

  3. Y

    Thank you for that Stephanie. And CRAP, you made me cry. I’m not going to be able to get through that panel without crying. AHHA!

  4. NANCY

    So sorry about your neck…do not panic until you have your MRI then you earn the right to panic. I did the surgery for my disc and my severe pain was gone. I did have pain at the surgical site but that is to be expected. The recovery in about 4 weeks and hopefully you’ll be a new women.
    good luck…google herniated disc and do some reading. The pain is the worst i have ever experienced….good luck toyou and your neck

  5. FlippyO

    Yeah, I read some study that says herniated disks can often fix themselves within two years without surgery. But honestly, I was getting worse and worse, and there was no way I was waiting any fucking longer. I got the stupid injections that did nothing for me, so I told them I wanted surgery ASAP. I had it in April last year, but should’ve had it in January, like it was originally scheduled. I hesitate to tell someone else to rush into surgery as an option, but if my herniated disk pain had been in my neck, I think I would’ve stomped my feet until someone fixed that disk YESTERDAY.
    I’m so sorry. There are plenty of people I’ve wanted to feel my pain, but you were never one of them. Oh, I did the steroid thing for six days, I think it was, and it helped me a little bit. So, I hope they help you at least that much.
    And hey, if you want to blog about the horrible pain you’re in every day, you go right ahead. Hell, I’m boring people constantly with my fatigue. :)

  6. Nancy

    Oh i forgot to mention the Medrol Steroids…they did a number on my moods. One minute I was OK, the next in a bucket of tears…so don’t be to hard on your self, but they are a drug that you love and hate at the same time.
    again hope the vicoden helps..I found the only med was percocet and klonipin combo. I could not drive for a few weeks because i was so sleepy or high, but i needed the meds for the pain and my body got use to them and I was able to drive, i think OK, or no accidents.

  7. Liz

    Just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I hope for the best for you and that you do begin to recover soon.

  8. Mish

    Ack! If you hurt, you have every right to complain about it. Seriously! Besides, you’ve got a worse level of hurt right now, and some good drugs, and well, that could make things interesting…I was (temporarily) on some nice ones last year. (Surgery? What surgery??)
    Anyone who says anything nasty to you now (or ever, really) about your weight has problems of their own. And can go to a certain place and do a certain something to themselves once they get there. ;)

  9. Bev

    I hope you have a speedier than predicted recovery.
    I’m another diet_rebounder, only much worse than you, I so badly wanted to lose weight for my daughter’s wedding, but I just couldn’t seem to get it going. The stress of planning the wedding just made me EAT! And so on and so on. I just decided fat and happy was better than dieting and bitchy.

  10. Karly

    I love you and I wish I was going to BlogHer just so I could hug you. (And possibly, while I was hugging you, pickpocket you for some vicodin. I love that stuff.) Feel better Y! and don’t stay away from the blog for long…we’ll miss you!

  11. anne nahm

    Thinking good thoughts for you. I did something to my back a few years ago(crushed disk? Punctured sac or something?) that had me laid up for six weeks. It was terrible. Stoopid doctor said, “you will probably have to lie down and take the pain for the next month.”
    What???? I have kids! And a husband! And a need to pee every so often! Very little of these things can I do from bed.
    It was terrible. Shocked story short, I live in fear that would ever happen again. I cannot imagine nine month sentence. I am so sorry.

  12. Susan

    Man, I’m hoping (and praying) that your recovery defies the odds and happens faster than 9 months, and that you’re back to aerobic dancing and taking beautiful photos of your kiddos asap. Your blog is a “joy unexpected,” because it makes me laugh and feel happy, so I hope you return good as new very soon.

  13. teryn

    Hi — I’ve been reading for a while but haven’t commented. I can’t help delurking to offer a suggestion for your neck problem (you can take it or leave it — I don’t know how you feel about this sort of thing, so …). You should check out a natural product called Wobenzyme. It’s a proteolytic enzyme, and I’ve known tons of people (including a guy who was on the verge of surgery for a herniated disc) who swear by it. It basically gets rid of the inflammation that’s causing the pain. There are two products like this — Wobenzyme and Zymeactive (by a company called Natural Factors). If you’re open to natural treatments, I would definitely look into this — I think it could help with your pain.
    Love your blog & hope I’ve been of some help.

  14. Marilyn

    First off *hugs* for all you’ve been going through. You so do not deserve this.
    Secondly, I’ll be at BlogHer and would LOVE to party. I’ll even take your drink tickets off your hands (if you insist). ;) All kidding aside, I hope to see you there and hope you are feeling at least a little better.

  15. CA

    I’m a stranger Y, but I love you. I sincerely hope that your luck turns around soon. Hang in there.

  16. nazilam

    i cancelled my blogher hotel reservations because you said you weren’t going and i wanted to meet you.
    fine.
    as for the weight thing, let your body heal and then worry about that 30 lbs. I too was under the delusion that I would lose weight before my cousin’s wedding (OPA!) and it ain’t happening.
    So, now, I’ll just look for a dress for a fatter, but fit girl.
    Hmm. I wonder if I can still go to Blogher….without TH seeking a divorce…
    nm

  17. Annika

    Oh dear. *hug*
    I’m so glad the doctor told your husband that this is serious – I know when I was suffering from excruciating back pain a few years ago (and don’t hit me, but a chiropractor fixed me in two weeks – you really might want to consider it*) my husband understood and believed me, but NO ONE ELSE did. They thought I was exaggerating or something. I wish I’d had an advocate to explain to them that it was a serious condition.
    *It wasn’t a disk, but had been initially misdiagnosed as one. It was actually a compression stress injury – basically, years of bad posture and overexertion put too much pressure on my pelvis. It was awful.

  18. chasmyn

    Oh, Y!!! When it rains, it pours, no?
    I just wanted to tell you that YOU ARE NOT YOUR WEIGHT. You are such an amazing and beautiful and funny and strong woman, and if I had one wish for you it would be to have you really feel that in your deepest heart.
    I am praying for a FAST and easier than expected recovery for you.
    back pain SUCKS! I know all too well.

  19. Danielle

    I’m so so so sorry. I’ve watched two of my loved ones go through similar things with their backs and I just can not imagine. Both are doing much better now but it sucked.
    I’m so sad that I’m not able to go to BlogHer. I so want to meet you. Can’t you just come to my house?

  20. Beth

    Although I realize you’re still in pain, it sounds like you’re feeling better, at least at having gotten a preliminary diagnosis. I can’t tell you how many times I checked your site today to see how you were doing. *careful hug* At the risk of giving you more advice, I want to mention that my mom had a herniated disc and was able to recover via physical therapy — not surgery. Maybe you can ask your doctor about this after you get the MRI results back. My mom was faithful about her physical therapy and it worked wonders. I really hope you’re feeling much better soon!!!

  21. Kat

    Y, I’m so glad that they got the results to you sooner, but sorry to hear about what it is.
    I can totally sympathize with you.
    That kind of pain is the kind of pain I dealt with for 5 years before I got my back surgery.
    I do know several people who opted for the surgery though and feel 100% better, so if you ever want to know what that is like, let me know. I know they’d be happy to tell you.
    Please get lots of rest and alternate between ice and heat when you are resting.
    It will make it feel bit better, although temporary.

  22. becky

    y, i’m rooming with lassa. we’ll drag ourselves over to your room, if we can find you. email me your cell #, and which hotel you’re staying at, okay? i’ll give you a big hug when i see you, but i promise not to squeeze your neck. in return, you can rub the buddah belly. ;)

  23. Louise

    Y, I haven’t read all the comments so maybe this has been said already. Please forgive me if it has :)
    Steroids can be a total bitch. My doctors had me on them for over a year, and I gained something like 70 lbs. Because they make you feel incredibly hungry, all the time, and personally? I have no control. If my stomach is growling, I eat. Also, the mood swings, oh the mood swings. AND, they had me taking osteoporosis medication because being on steroids for any length of time can really do a number on your bones. So please speak to your doctors about the bone stuff (hee! not THAT bone stuff) if you haven’t already, because who wants brittle bones?

  24. Keri

    Y, I blog once every 6 or 9 months or so, but I love you. :( I’m so sorry you have this problem. I’m a migraine sufferer so hey, I know pain. Granted, I don’t know 9-month pain, but pain, sure. And beautiful I will be praying that you have some miraculous fast alleviation from your problems. Doctors do not know everything when it comes to how long something will take. He is probably giving you the long number so you will be pleasantly surprised. :)
    Sending you healing vibes from Wisconsin.

  25. Keri

    and just correct that word “blog” to comment. because I’m a moron… heh. You knew what I meant. You is a GENIUS like dat. ;)

  26. Kathy

    Dude that SUCKS. Aww. :(
    Wait, there is a giant party in you and Lena’s room? Dude, we’ll snort your pain killers…its alll gooood maaaan!

  27. D

    now woman, how can you complain about your weight when Pighunter luuuuv’s it so? I can see the “pain” being an issue, what with pighunter all over your ‘handgrips’ and all, but momma, let that weight be just a number, not your value! Fuck the weight (um, literally AND figuratively??!!) but I am sooo totally sorry for the pain. You know, you should add an anti-depressent to your cocktail because that much continuous pain can do a tap dance on your emotions. Y…hang in there kiddo. Hang in there.

  28. burnurcomputer

    I think that you should go to blogher with your head held high. It would be very inspiring to me to see that humans sometimes have issues that make us regain some our our hard won lost weight. You are not the only person that this has happened to, and it would make me/others feel really good to look at you as inspiration. You are going thorough this and maybe some one will hear you speak and be motivated not just by what you HAVE done,but by what you are GOING to do in the future to get back on track when you health issues have resolved. You are human and sometimes the machine breaks/ needs some repair. Just tell them what a suprise this has all been to you and how you are still motivated to be the best you that you can be. I wish you well :)

  29. Rachel

    You wrote that “with lots of drugs”—damn, you’re good! Great post. Remember that one line you wrote: your weight does not define you. Thanks for blogging, for sharing your beautiful children with us and for talking about all this difficult stuff.

  30. Kimberly

    Oh Y, I am SO sorry you have to go through this! I will definitely pray for Your Neck. Take off as much time as you need. We’ll miss you! Get better! Take advantage of The Drugs! :) I wish I could go to BlogHer and see you speak! ((hugs))

  31. Kyla

    You poor thing…seriously, not in the patronizing kind of way. I am genuinely sorry. The past few months have just been hellish for you guys…now this. Life sucks ass sometimes.
    And HELL YAH, we shall party down at BlogHer. I’m sure Y on Painkillers will be just as fun as Y Who Has Been Drinking the Devil Water.
    PS: I’ll be the one nobody really knows and looks like she is twelve. ;)

  32. DebbieS

    Y, if your neck is ANYTHING like the rest of you, it’s going to heal so fast it will make that doctor’s head spin. Soma is relaxalicious and will help you feel ever so much better. The steroids won’t be so bad, just take some Airborne for the plane. Don’t even think twice about your weight. You couldn’t be lovelier if you tried. If you’re going to worry about food at all, I’d say just make sure you get plenty of fluids and fiber, because Vicodyn is VERY constipating, especially if you can’t be very active. Hey, more reason to eat granola and drink Starbucks, right?
    So make like a Christian dog, will ya? And HEAL!

  33. Sueb0b

    Baby, I weigh 204 lbs and I will be at BlogHer. So you’ll have company in the Temporarily Big Girl section. We’ll do fine.
    Take care of yourself. That is job 1.

  34. tiffany

    well, damn. now i don’t know if i can come see you speak at blogher…if you cry? we’re all totally going to cry.
    just kidding, i will be there.
    and i will have an exrta drink for you, because i’m caring like that.
    in the meantime, the entire internet is sending healing thoughts toward your neck. that’s got to be worth something.

  35. Kaia

    Hi, lurker here! I just wanted to add my two cents, although I’m sure you have enough of people’s cents to build a fucking castle by now. But anyway, my dad had a herniated disc, although lower in his back, and was in excruciating pain for A YEAR waiting for it to “go away”. It never did and he had surgery, and a speedy recovery. Something to consider. That’s all.

  36. kim

    i already miss you. i hope you feel better really, really soon and can still enjoy blogher. you are an inspiration every day, f*ck 206 pounds +/- 30. your weight is not what makes you you! i’m thinking of you a lot and i really, really hope you feel better very soon. being in pain SUCKS. i’ve been watching C go through it with his lower back for almost four years now… sending you huge get-well hugs. take good care of yourself and get yourself a huge frappucino!

  37. Janet

    I just wanted to say that steroids (short term only) really helped me with the acute pain. Yes you will have enough energy for five people, but it’s always been worth it for me. I had a herniated disc in my neck and had the plate/screw surgery, so if you ever want to ask any questions about it, please feel free to email me.
    I think you should go to the BlohHer thing. You have a lot of support and you honestly cannot control what is happening with your neck wight now. Good luck, Y. xo

  38. slackermommy

    I’ll party with ya, girl! I’m running and hiding from the skinny bitches. Seriuosly, I know how you feel. I got a tummy tuck last December and I’ve already gained back 10 pounds and it’s all in my ASS!

  39. Beverly

    Maybe the MRI will be fine…and they’ll say it’s a pulled muscle!
    We can always hope, right?
    Hope the meds are working and you’re feeling some relief!

  40. guinness girl

    Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I had never read your blog before now. Saw a link to you on Metalia’s site and now I think I heart you. I hope you feel better!

  41. Brandi

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I’ve had herniated discs up and down my spine. The steroids really did work for me though. They were the only things that would cause the discs to shrink back between the vertebrae where they belong. It will get better, Y. You’ll see. Until then, enjoy the vicodin-soma cocktails while you can.
    (((hugs)))

  42. Cheryl

    I am really going to miss your posts. I enjoy them no matter what you blog about. I hope you keep everyone updated on your condition. Take good care of yourself!

  43. Liza

    You are crazy and insane if you let doctors operate without seeing a chiropractor first. CRAZY AND INSANE but not in your cute way.

  44. Laural

    I rarely comment, but I had to say something about that post.
    I soooo get the weight thing. I do. It’s scary and humiliating when you see the big number. Ick.
    Here’s my weight horror story. I was thrilled that I had just lost 10 lbs. I was stuck at one weight (doing weight watchers also) for months. And, then seemingly overnight my weight went down. I was thrilled. All my work paid off. It was too good to be true!
    It turns out my scale had broken. No miraculous weight loss. Same old freaking number.
    My body hates me :(
    I’m not going to blogher, but if I were I would love to see you speak. And I guarantee I would not be judging you on your weight. You’re an amazing writer. I would love to hear you speak.
    Have fun!

  45. Jessica

    Long time lurker here. I am soooooo sorry you are in such pain. My dad has the whole herniated disc thing to the max. Thing is, nothing can be done about it because he has to wait for Worker’s Comp. to approve everything. And they, of course, are dragging their azzes on it.
    Anyways, do as your doctor tells you to and don’t worry about your weight right now. I know its a pain (I’m topping it at well over 300 lbs and I HATE it, but I’m working it out), but you will eventually heal and be able to hit that gym again with a vengeance.
    Man, I wish I could go to BlogHer. I live in the area, but sadly, I’m in the process of moving again. Lame.
    Good luck, good health, prayers, and hugs all your way.

  46. Kait

    ::hugs:: I hope that you’re able to have some fun at BlogHer, even though you’ll be in pain and doped up and stuff.
    I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but hopefully Pighunter has a better idea of the all encompassing pain that goes along with this.

  47. DogsDontPurr

    I’ve had something similar happen twice. Once in my lower back and once up near my neck. I thought I was going to die! I was sure I was going to have surgery. They gave me several different kinds of pills. No luck. But I did start a program of gentle stretching while laying on my back. Finally finally it worked itself out. But I tell you, I was sure I was going to be all crippled for the rest of my life. Now I’m fine.
    If you can, get a second opinion. Steroids might help short term, but over any long period of time they generally erode your bones and cause all sorts of other problems.
    I would recommend talking to a certified trainer at your gym. Stretching gently is very good. Stop if it hurts. Do it slow and in little increments. That’s what saved my life.
    Good luck. I hope you feel better soon!

  48. bellevelma

    I think Weight Watchers only works the first time. I lost 20 pounds on it 2 years ago but gained it all back. I joined again and nothing’s budging. A friend of mine swears the same thing happened to her. Good luck and I hope your neck heals quickly.

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