Dem Jeans.

I’m baaaaack.
Sort of.
Kind of.
Did you enjoy the guest posters as much as I did? I hope so. I throughly enjoy the writers that I asked to keep you entertained while I was “healing.” (I had also asked Rich who may or may not make my mouth water with love and he said yes, but then he got sick and couldn’t do it.)
Thanks for treating them so well.
Now, let me give you a few updates so that I feel like I can start writing again without having to talk about These Things EVER AGAIN.
I still do not know what is wrong with My Neck/Back/Arm as no one has called to tell me the results of the MRI.
Everyone says “It’s a good thing that they haven’t called! It means it’s nothing serious! If it was something serious, someone would have called you by now!”
And I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better, and in a way it does, but—it doesn’t make my neck hurt any less or make it possible for me to do things like “laugh” or “fart” or “cough” or “sneeze” without feeling excruciating pain.
Man, how I wish for the days when farting was a great way to annoy my children and embarrass them in public. Now, when I feel that gas welling up within, I cringe and brace myself for the pain I know I’ll feel when I have to push that mother out.
Farting is NOT funny anymore and that is sad.
Do you know what else is sad?
That my dog could have DIED last week, but because he has a good mommy and daddy who acted quickly on his behalf, he is not dead.
You see, he ate a box of rat poison.
He had been in the garage for about 15 minutes and when Ethan took him out, I noticed a box of rat poison on the ground. It had been torn open and there were just a few pellets left inside. I ran inside and called my dad to ask if he had left a box of rat poison lying on the garage floor, or if it was an empty box that he had thrown away.
It was a full box. (That he completely forgot was lying on the ground when he asked Ethan to put Bandit in the garage while the gardeners mowed the backyard.) And now, it was an empty box, because my pig of a dog ate it.
I called Tony who was 15 minutes from home.
“Bandit ate dog poison! Hurry! We have to take him to the vet RIGHT AWAY!”
He got home, put Bandit in the back of his car and drove to the nearest animal hospital.
They took him in right away, induced vomiting and WHOOMP! There it was. Rat poison.
They told Tony we saved his life because if we had waited, it would have got into his system and he would have bled to death internally.
Lucky dog.
Thanks for saving my life, pa.
Thanks for saving my life, Pa.
Let’s play a game. I’m going to tell you a number. Then, I want you to guess what that number represents.
Ready?
Seven thousand.
Did you guess “How much it’s going to cost to fix the TV that your son accidentally broke?”
Because that would be correct!
But, let’s not talk about that, because I don’t want to throw up again. (And no, they have not asked us to pay up, but we found out that’s how much it’s going to cost and OH THE GUILT.)
In other less traumatic (but only slightly less traumatic) news
This weekend I did something that I haven’t done in years.
I bought a pair of jeans.
And I feel compelled to tell you that they are indeed a size 18.
And, because that’s not bad enough, I also feel compelled to tell you that I bought them at Kohls–And they are of The Daisy Fuentes variety
When I held them up in the store and my eyes beheld just how W-I-D-E the ass spread of denim was, I couldn’t help but scream on the inside.
“My ass is not that wide! IT IS NOT THAT WIDE!”
But, I put those jeans on, and my ass is that wide.

Lucky Jeans.
You know that game that people play at baby showers, where they guess how many squares of toilet paper=the size of the pregnant woman’s belly?
I think we should play that with My Ass at BlogHer.
The winner gets an autographed can of Bean Dip!
But seriously, folks.
I’m actually proud of myself for buying the jeans.
You can’t hide your ass in jeans and my MAIN GOAL in dressing myself is hiding my ass. Buying these jeans was a huge step for me. In wearing these jeans, I’m making a statement.
“Hi! I’m fat and yet, I’m putting it all out there for you to stare at, to be in awe of, because I’m really fucking tired of trying to hide it and cover it up.
Large and in charge, bitches.
I’m heading out to Old Navy as soon as Tony gets home from work and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my new found Plus Sized Confidence. Maybe I’ll do something really CERAAAAZY, like, buy me a sleeveless top.
The last thing that I think you really need to know is that My Period is still hiding.
However, an additional THREE pregnancy tests (for a grand total of 6!) say that I am not pregnant. Everyone’s all “it’s stress! It’s the medication!” But I’m all “Oh my GOD, I have two months worth of bleeding all up in my Women Parts! AAAAHHHHH!”
Luckily, they can get me in to see a GYNO at the end of August! So, I have an entire month to google “POSSIBLE REASONS FOR A MISSED PERIOD.”
Lucky everyone in my life.

68 thoughts on “Dem Jeans.

  1. Melody

    Crap that is so much money for that tv!! Is it made of gold? My husband got a brand-new 50″ plasma for like $2000 (maybe more, can’t remember)- though I can’t remember how big you said theirs was. It’s awesome that they haven’t asked you to replace it though, I hope they don’t! Just make them a nice tray of cupcakes and call it even. 😉

  2. baseballmom

    Oh my gosh, I’ve so missed your posts! I’m glad you could update us, and I hear ya about the jeans….I’ve had to try and get clothes for my mom’s wedding in two weeks which, I’m IN, and that means standing up in front of many people and not wearing the baggy stuff which I survive in…ack! Hope you find out what’s wrong soon, and I LOVE your doggy–we have a chocolate flavored one…and an american bulldog/mastiff/yellow lab mix. Labs are the BEST! Glad he’s okay.

  3. Y

    Well, to be honest, that is what my son’s friend told him.
    I can’t think of any theory under which that could actually BE TRUE. (The tv cost 5,000)
    I don’t know, Andrew swears that his friend isn’t lying and that it will cost $7,000 to fix, but I just have a hard time believing it.
    We’re waiting for his parents to call us back. So, I suppose until we actually hear it from THEIR MOUTHS I shouldn’t quote it as fact.

  4. MamaLee

    You KNOW that we have the same ass, right?
    And you KNOW that you’ll get your period at blogher, RIGHT?
    I’m such a ray of sunshine, I know! Take good care and hug your pup an extra bit for me!

  5. Tracy

    I’m sorry – did you just say you have a gyno appt at the end of August? Then I can tell you EXACTLY when your period will appear. Approximately 2-3 days before that, and with a vengeance. Thus necessitating you to reschedule out another 2-3 months. At least, that’s the way MY uterus works.

  6. Y

    Mamalee! I plan on bringing industrial size pads for the plane ride just in case.
    And Tracy, DUDE, that’s probably exactly what’s going to happen.

  7. DebbieS

    No way that TV is gonna cost 7K to fix! I’ll bet it’s $700 and their son just got the number wrong.
    You can wear Daisy Fuentes jeans? Dude, maybe I am just too much of a gringa, b/c the last time I tried on a pair of her jeans, my ass was getting claustrophobic, and I wear an 8 in most jeans. Yours is probably just sized better, LOL. Good for you, not dressing for camouflage!
    Did you ever get my emails about those skirts and that pair of jeans?

  8. Kristie

    As much as I feel guilty for admitting it, I giggle even at your trials … because you are so stinking funny about all of it.
    I giggle, then gain my composure and give a solemn nod of approval to the Seat of Daisy Fuentes.

  9. Sueb0b

    Did you spend your husband’s money on those fatass jeans? JOKING. I am going out to see if I can buy me some fatty jeans myself tonight. Maybe I will go get the size18 Daisys and we can be large and in charge together. I heart you.

  10. Amy the Mom

    Well, I’m only one size behind you in the jeans department…and I had to start over with WW AGAIN last week because I’d gained back the 20 pounds I lost last summer. This is the third time I’ve done it and by God, the last.
    The TV issue…maybe that’s what they paid for it several years ago, but one that size can be obtained for less than half of that amount today. Still. Lot of fucking money. If I had one of those TV’s, I would NEVER ask my kid’s friend’s parents to spring for a replacement. NEVER.

  11. metalia

    Welcome back, pretty lady! Please tell me that the jeans really say “Daisy” on one asscheek and “Fuentes” on the other? Because that would just make my day.

  12. Meegan

    Glad you’re back, Y. Good for you for buying jeans. It’s so hard to let go of the “oughta’s”. “Oughta look like, oughta weigh, oughta be this size”. Fuck it. Once you can say “FUCK IT”, things get way more FUN!

  13. Amy

    Jeans do NOT make your ass look big! SOME jeans make your ass look big. For example, if I wear Levis, I do not feel pretty. I feel cow-like. I also get the “muffin pants” look…where you look like the top of a muffin above the jeans. Which, really, is hard to avoid, considering that is my overall shape, but whatever. When I wear my Old Navy jeans I can sometimes get poochy tummy. My American Eagle jeans (boyfriend cut) are the best. Ever. Love them. They have room for the areas I hate the most. At $39.50 I have to tell my husband that of course I only bought one pair (while stashing the other pair in the laundry pile when he’s not looking). But it’s so worth it. Oh, and if you get a pair of them during their current promotional period (ignore the reference to Woman Time), you get a coupon for $10 off another pair later.
    I don’t work for American Eagle, I swear. I just love their jeans…and coupons.

  14. Melanie

    Alas, Old Navy no longer sells plus sizes! I don’t know if that means 18, too, but my ass can’t shop there anymore (except online). I feel the same way when I look at my jeans – it can’t be that big… can it??

  15. Terrie

    For all that is good and holy – you crack me up. CRACK ME UP! I need to steal your words. I just (for the first time ever (fuck!) had to buy clothes at Pennington’s which in Canada means “The-Fat-Fucking-Lady-Store” (fuck!!)) Weight Watcher’s here I come! (after I finish another beer, that is!)

  16. Cheryl in MO

    I would LOVE to be a size 18 again. I look at my old size 16 and 18 jeans and think “I thought I was huge then!?!? little did I know how much bigger I’d get.” They look small to me now. (I wear a size 24-26 now).
    Go see Hairspray! It will make you feel good about your size! I’ve seen it twice in one weekend.

  17. Rachael

    I’m glad Bandit is okay! How scary!
    He has the best name.
    I hate looking at my clothes when I’m not in them. They look 10X bigger when they don’t have my thighs and booty to round them out.

  18. kim

    hey, i’m totally with cheryl in MO here. i wish i would fit into my size 18 jeans. i’m sure you look hawt and have you met j.lo? round ass is totally hip AND hawt! also, i am so jealous of everyone at blogher who gets to meet you and maybe even get that signed bean dip. *gasp*
    i’m glad the puppy is okay! thinking of you. *hugs*

  19. ElizabethSheryl

    It really could be worse, if you are over a size 20 they don’t even stock your sizes at old navy, it’s “exclusively online!”. Talk about feeling like a troll that needs to live in a cave, ugh.

  20. Brandi

    First off, if you are in Daisy Fuentes jeans you are doing pretty good. I have a Beyonce booty and some Missy Elliot (pre-weight loss) thighs and I can’t put enough Crisco on my body to fit into a pair of that woman’s jeans. When I am in Kohl’s I just bypass her shit alltogether.

  21. Sarah

    Try Lane Bryant. They have super comfy jeans, and they’re all I wear. Except for their skirts. And slacks. And the occasional top. Fine, I’m the plus-sized-store whore. *eye roll*

  22. BOSSY

    Y: Welcome home. Sorry about the mess. If you need any help lifting the candle wax from your sofa cushions, try ice cubes.
    (can’t wait to hang out at BlogHer) Love, Bossy.

  23. burnurcomputer

    I’m so glad that your dog is back to doing well! You are a great doggie parent!!! I bet Bandit doesn’t care what size you wear, your his HERO!!!! And the big boner in your husbands pants tell you that he finds you hot!! I about died laughing when I read that one. I can’t wear Daisy Jeans……I’m supposd to be boy shaped, but when you combine that with big ole momma belly I can’t fit them. Too big in the butt (pancake butt), and the thighs (big, but not my trouble areas). Too tight in the waist!!! I’m more apple shaped when I’m in my bigger sizes. Now mind you I wore a size 2/4/6 less then 2 years and some months ago. I now wear a size 10/12. Being happy has made me eat!!! And happy!!!! Did I mention happy??? I am jealous that you can wear sleeveless shirts……I have the arms of someone who is 2 times bigger then me. No, really! Even when I was smaller I had big arms……picture this, you are 120 lbs. and wear a size 2/4/6 but you arms look huge. And its not just you who sees it! Thanks Dad for that wooooooonderful contribution to my genetic legacy.

  24. Sarah

    That $7,000 price tag made me throw up in my mouth a little. All guilt in my life for breaking my neighbors weedeater has dried up and blown away. There’s lots of “it’ll be ok” vibes coming your way.
    I am please as punch that you have found “Plus Size Confidence”. You obviously have many readers, people who look up to what you have to say, and admire your thoughts and insights. You’re beautiful, lovely, and capable (well, will be more capable once this whole pain thing goes away), and you are those things whether you weigh 100 pounds or 400 pounds.

  25. Kyla

    $7,000!?!? Wow.
    Yay for saving Bandit!!!
    And good for you for buying the jeans! You should feel good about yourself whatever the numbers say…and it is a HUGE step. Yay for plus sized confidence.
    And see you in two days, right?!? :)

  26. geeky

    $7,000 for a TV? What the french toast?! We bought a brand new 50″ plasma TV for less than half that! Is it a solid gold TV or something?

  27. Carrisa

    I hear you on the jeans thing. I own two pairs of jeans and that’s it. They are both from Lane Bryant… as are most of my clothes. Lane Bryant has some really good sales and really good coupons ALL THE TIME that makes it a little bit easier on the wallet. Because honestly? Target and Wal-Mart’s plus sized departments kind of suck. Kohl’s especially sucks because they think that we large women want to dress like we’re 70 yrs old. And don’t even get me started on the Daisy Fuentes line! I bet those same jeans are a 14/16 at LB. Daisy does not know how to size her clothes accurately.
    /end rant

  28. mcewen

    Wow good for you. Very glad to hear about puppy too. [we lost a cat to rat poison – can I mention ‘cat’ here?]
    As for googling, I remember doing that a long time back too. Never did get a decent answer though.
    Cheers

  29. Beth

    Omigosh, so glad your dog is okay! I’ve watched umpteen “Animal Precinct” episodes and the like, and have seen the vets do that thing where they force charcoal down the dog’s throat to induce vomiting. Works like a charm. But you’re right, timing is key. What a scary incident!
    On your MRI, it’s not true that “no news is good news.” No news is…no news. You may need to start calling them several times a day so they get sick of you and just give you the results. This seems far too long to wait. Sending you all kinds of healing vibes…

  30. AmyM

    I hate buying Plus Sized anything! I love how they try to soften it up by calling it ‘Women’s Sizes’ and instead of 1X, they now call it 18W. Which honestly makes me feel worse! Oh lookit! I’m no longer a size 1 *coughXcough*. Now I’m an 18 WIDE! Because seriously, that’s what the ‘w’ has always stood for when buying shoes.
    And Holy Shit! Holy Damn Dog Shit! SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR A TELEVISION SET? Does it go through childbirth for you? And give plastic surgery? Only then it would be worth it.

  31. nazilam

    Whew on bandito, but I think I told you that already on flickr.
    erm on the jeans. I’m going to order from oldnavy on line for another pair of jeans for my upcoming trip to Greece. I am going down a size in anticipation that I might be able to lose 7 lbs in two months.
    As for your period, its stress. I did the same thing.
    Oh, buy those asshats a new tv for 1700 bucks. They shouldn’t be letting childrens be messing with wiis and flat screen tvs. They can have my POS 21″ color (cable ready) I got for college graduation for free.
    I’m going to miss you this weekend at blogher. I’ll be in Dallas dealing with my sick auntie.
    smooches,
    nm

  32. Jackie

    I used to have missed periods all the time and not be preggers. I would go 3 or more months with out one…….. not that I didn’t get my bitch on cuz let me tell you, after that long with out a rag you get a lil cranky!
    My Dr. said I just wasn’t ovulating and would give me a pill for 10 days and OMG let me tell you it made me an even bigger bitch then I started and all was well again.

  33. Daisy

    I wear a similar (okay, the same) size jeans. It took me a while to get comfortable enough with my weight gain that I could walk into the plus-size department and (gulp) try things on. I have found the best fit in the plus-size junior sections, even though I’m 40+. Most of the Big Mama clothes tend to be Old Lady clothes, too, but the plus sized juniors are actually cute.

  34. tiffany

    ok, i’m sorry if this is TMI…but i think maybe there is no such thing as TMI over here at joy unexpected, so i will share anyway: i was on vicodin for a while, and my period went away for almost 3 full cycles. i was so convinced i was pregnant, i may have had a little bit of The Unprotected Sex, and thank god i didn’t end up pregnant then, because then i would have had to live the rest of my life knowing that i am the stupidest person of all time.
    anyway, it finally showed up. and it wasn’t bad like you would expect from such a delay.
    anyway, the point?
    the drugs.
    they make your cycle wonky. and then you worry, it that wonks it up even more.
    the end.

  35. Kristen

    Thank you for this post. Very much. Because my most FAVORITE shirt is sleeveless and frankly these arms shouldn’t be flapping in the wind right now. But because of your courage, I am wearing my sleeveless shirt at Blogher. I’ll look for you. You rock!

  36. Mom101

    Okay here’s another one:
    10 million
    Answer: Number of calories you will burn off running around with me to parties this weekend.

  37. bellevelma

    Heh. I’ve seen jeans or whatever on a rack and thought “Those are HUGE! What size are they? They’ll surely fit me because they are HUGE!” and then I look at the tag and they’re a size 12 or something which I wouldn’t even be able to pull up past my knees.

  38. FlippyO

    Yay for saving Bandit’s life!!! Phew. It’s scary when pets do stuff like that. We had a kitten eat a yard of stretchy string, which could’ve tied his insides all up…and, ugh, I don’t like to think about it. He must’ve chewed it into tiny bits, which we very much appreciated.
    Goddammit, call and get the results of your MRI. I don’t know why anyone would assume it was all fine & dandy when your pain hasn’t lessened. Find out! First thing in the morning, you call and get the results. At the very least, the preliminary results. Get them faxed to you. If you don’t have a fax machine, get them faxed to my j2.com number and I will forward the email directly to you.
    When I herniated my disk and I was in so much pain, that was when I decided to say “fuck it” and buy me some comfy fat jeans, regardless of what size they were. I wanted room to move and I didn’t want an iota of tightness anywhere. It’s been almost two years, and while I’m still going up & down, I don’t regret the “fuck it” plan. I’m wearing men’s baggie denim shorts from Old Navy, and damn they’re comfortable. My thighs rub together, but with baggie denim in between. And because men’s sizes come in waist numbers, it doesn’t bug me as much that I’m wearing a size larger than I normally would wear. 28, 34, 38, whatever…they feel good. I’m not going to win any fashion shows anyway, so I may as well not squeeze into smaller pants.
    In the long run, I’ve actually lost weight by not giving a fuck anymore.

  39. dani

    Hey, for your missed period, try parsley tea! It doesn’t taste too fantastic but it should bring on your period. It is about one cup of fresh parsely with one cup of boiling water. Chop the parsley beforehand. If you just want to use dried it’s 2 teaspoons to a cup. Pour the water over the parsley in a pot or whatevs, and let it sit 20 minutes. Drain and drink. You can make a few cups at a time. Supposedly honey and lemon juice makes it taste better. Also adding it to chicken broth is tasty. Usually 3x a day works, for 3 days. It might come earlier! Also, this won’t kill you, I promise.
    P.S. you can get tea bags of this stuff at places like whole foods, or any place that has herbal teas, but it is way cheaper to just make the stuff.

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