Yeah, baby

My parents are going to Palm Springs for a few days and my mouth is watering from the excitement I feel at having the house to ourselves.
It feels just as exciting as it did when I was 18, engaged and still living at home when my parents decided to go on vacation for a week! And I couldn’t go because I had a job! And me and Fiancé Pig Hunter could have “picnics” without fear of my mom or dad driving up and catching us partaking of one another’s “all beef and tuna sandwiches”.
I want to text message all of my 3 friends and be like “OMG, mom n dad r leaving 4 2 days!! Party at their house! P.S bring a 40!!”
But really, I’m just excited that for two entire days I can read TMZ without my mom looking over my shoulder going on and on about what a waste of time it is to read about celebrities and their drugs and their sex and their SIN!
I’m also happy that for 2 days I will not have to listen to my mother’s thinly veiled insults that are neither thin nor veiled.
Example-
Me: I hate it when he says things like that, but he learned them from me, he acts just like me.
My Mom: I know. That kid wants to be just like you….Unfortunately.
Don’t feel too sad for me though, my mother does love me, she just doesn’t like me very much. But more on that later as there is already a post in which I try to define my relationship with my mother sitting in “draft mode.”
I can only imagine that my parents are just as excited to be getting away for a few days because 5 very loud Mexicans have invaded their personal space and I’m sure they would love nothing more than to do things like “Pray” in peace. (That’s RIGHT they’re going to spend their time alone in that beautiful hotel room PRAYING because, just like YOUR parents, my parents do not have sex!)
And that is why you will not hear me complaining about my parents, because as annoying as they can be, the five of US are more annoying. Also, it was very kind and generous of them to offer their house to us. I am truly grateful. So, out of respect for the kindness, I will not from talk about them in a negative way—with ONE exception.
I WILL write about one of my mother’s disgusting habits. Like, wiping the kitchen counter tops with the SAME dish rag she had just wiped the steak juice off of the WOODEN cutting board with and then throwing that same dish rag in the washer with a load of clothes I had just put in that contained articles of clothing that TOUCH MY VAGINAL AREA.
(And it wasn’t even a “hot water” wash either, people. I honestly didn’t think people who weren’t my Grandma actually did stuff like that.)
Anyway.
The Parents are gone and I can’t decide what I want to do first. Have The Legal and Jesus Approved Sex? Or drink some wine in the garage (because I wouldn’t even dare to bring Devil Water inside of this house, for fear of being struck down by The Lord Himself.)
I think I’m going with The Sex.

32 thoughts on “Yeah, baby

  1. Virenda

    Well you know Y you could always just bring your devil water and The Legal and Jesus Approved Sex into the garage…..?…

  2. Kyla

    I think Devil Water in the garage, followed by the Legal and Jesus Approved Sex. *lol* That’s what I would do anyway.

  3. Steph

    Here, here Virenda! Devil water makes the Jesus Approved Sex even better. What the hell are you doing online Y? Get to the garage!

  4. Fold My Laundry Please

    Legal and Jesus Approved Sex in the garage could be…interesting!
    I used to read several sites like TMZ all the time. I finally realized how much time I was spending reading several different takes on the same celebrity news and made myself delete all but one from my favorites list…thesuperficial.com. I still check it at least 5 times a day, because sticking my nose into other people’s bidness is what I do. That and breath. Oh, and don’t forget eating chocolate chip cookie dough right out of the plastic tube. Those three things pretty much sum up my life lately.

  5. DebbieS

    This is starting to sound like a game of Clue: “It was Y, with the Devil Water, with Pighunter, in the Garage”. Now go attack your hubby until he’s the one praying…for mercy!

  6. LC

    “all beef and tuna sandwiches”.
    GIRRRRRRL. I never comment (shame on me) … but THAT had my seriously cracking up. AND … (if you don’t mind) … I’m STEALING that line and reciting it to my Husband at the appropriate time in the appropriate conversation. He’ll crack the hell up and totally think I came up with that on my own 😉
    I’m with everyone else. Devil Water and Jesus Approved Sex currently taking place in Y’s garage.
    :)

  7. Bronwen

    You’d better get in all the Legal and Jesus-Approved sex you can during the next 5 days. I lived with my in-laws for 2 years and it was really freaky (and not in a good way) to have sex in their house. Creeped me out, big time.
    Flaunt the devil water in their house. Drink it out of juice glasses. Every juice glass in the house. Then you can have a private little giggle the next time you see one of them having juice in a glass that was once tainted by the Devil Water. But that’s just me – I’m bitchy.

  8. Cassie

    Your mom sounds like my grandma. The same one who yelled at me because I was going out to see my godparents and happened to be wearing ::gasp:: PANTS! See, ladies don’t go calling on people wearing pants. They must wear skirts.
    So, I called MY mom freaking out, and she told me to just put a pair of pants in my bag and sneak them out like she did when she was my age. Nice mom, very nice.
    Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful time with the devil water and Jesus Approved Sex. :)

  9. Karly

    I dunno…if it was me I’d probably bring the devil water in the house and go to town. And then I’d have the Jesus Approved sex all over my mama’s bed. Just to make it less legal. Because legal sex is boring sex. 😉 I’m totally kidding. I’d probably get a hotel and go do it there. With the lights off and my t-shirt on.

  10. Tracy

    I’m suddenly picturing your parents installing “Jesus cams”. You know, like the teddybears you can buy that are actually cameras, to check up on your babysitter? Maybe you should check out all the crosses, and make sure none of the bibles are hollowed out to hide camera…

  11. Lisa

    Ha – party at Y’s. LOL Enjoy the weekend.
    For what it’s worth, I could have written this part: ‘Don’t feel too sad for me though, my mother does love me, she just doesn’t like me very much. But more on that later as there is already a post in which I try to define my relationship with my mother sitting in “draft mode.”’

  12. sarcastic journalist

    I’m totally bringing a wine cooler I found in the fridge. Parrrr—tay!
    It’ll almost be as exciting as Prom Night. Except my Prom Night wasn’t exciting. Perhaps it was the part where I got stranded on a boat with my date and a “friend” who decided that haha, let’s not have any feelings of decency and do nasty things while the date/friend IS ON THE BOAT.
    I mean. Yeah. Um…party at Y’s house.

  13. Helen

    Try reading truemomconfessions with your mom looking over your shoulder, I think her eyeballs might melt.
    I can’t even begin to imagine living with my mum again, I adore her but the thought of trying to keep my 3 kids under control makes my legs buckle. Enjoy 2 days of being able to breathe and have righteous sex ( which sort of defeats the whole point really) am still praying ( maybe not as hard as your mom though) that your perfect house is found very every soon!

  14. Kay

    I hear ya sistah!!
    When we had to live at home between buying a house about 10 years ago, I had the same euphoria as you when the ‘rents were leaving town! It was really nice to play house while they were gone.
    BTW I totally vote for non Jesus approved sex and alcohol and lots of cursing and PG13 movies, but I walk on the wild side.
    PSS Your Dad story from the other day made me cry!! SNIFF!!

  15. Maria

    I say tell Pig Hunter to “bring a 40″ (OMG! I nearly peed reading that) into the garage for “all beef and tuna sandwiches.”

  16. steen

    You know, I saw something at the mall that I just remembered. At this one store, some skate shop where all the little skater boys go, there was a pair of sandals Forrest thought might look good for the wedding. So we went in. I started perusing the racks, looking for any cute girlie clothes, when Forrest comes running up to me, waving a pair of sandals — with a beer opener built into the sole.
    No, it gets better.
    I laugh at him and send him away. Wedding shoes, man! FOCUS! So he goes away. He comes back a few minutes later, waving another pair of sandals — except these have an actual flask built into the sole. Like, you drink out of the side of your shoe. And he really wants these for the wedding.
    Anyway! You should buy Tony some “new shoes” and store the devil water in that.

  17. Deborah

    Is no one commenting on the dishrag comment?? Ewwww. That grossed me out more than anything else. My husband uses dishrags, I think they’re disgusting. But as far as the other stuff goes, have fun with the booze and sex. I’ll take the devil water over sex any day of the week.

  18. dana michelle

    I am here to comment on the dishcloth thing too. YUCK!! I never wipe up meat juices with the dishcloth. That’s what paper towel is for, people!!!!
    As for the laundry, I have really specific rules about what things can cohabitate in the washer together. Before I married him, I used to catch my husband putting dish towels and dish cloths in the same load of laundry as HIS UNDERWEAR!!!! **shudders** That’s like making underwear soup and dipping your towels in it. When I’d call him out on it, he’d say ” it’s all getting washed anyway, what’s the big deal?” Men just have no concept. Seriously!
    Needless to say, when I moved in this past fall, I put a stop to that immediately. I still live in fear that he’s going to get a load past me and I’ll find a short ‘n curly on one of my dish towels.
    And God help him if I do.
    P.S. Hope you and Pig Hunter have fun, whatever you decide to do with your two day “vacation”. :)

  19. Monet (aka birdsboss)

    Hahaha…i am cracking up with your post and @ everyones comments….lol Jesus cams lol….i would check around just in case…—–> me paranoid! have fun…lol look @ all your fans all up in your koolaid…

  20. CE

    I’m hopelessly addicted to TMZ, PerezHilton and the Superficial. I don’t think I could go more than 48 hours without checking those sites. I have no life.
    Sex first, then devil water, then more sex. Definitely.
    Jesuscams! That was hilarious.

  21. Julie

    I am eagerly waiting for the mother relationship post, because “loves me, but doesn’t like me very much” is EXACTLY what I say about my own mother. Enjoy the devil water and sanctified sex.

  22. Danielle

    Oh honey, I’m so excited for you. We only stayed with my in-laws for a few weeks and there was no boinking in that time. It’s just too weird for me. EWWWW!!!

  23. Melissa

    My mother-in-law lives with us… so… enjoy the sex because before you know it, those two days will be over… drinking devil water in the garage can happen while they are in residence….

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