Title change courtesy of Internet Pervs.

Wow.
I had no idea so many people were lurking around here.
I asked that people leave a real email address because I planned on responding to every comment, to be all cute and say things like “thanks for playing along!” Obviously, I didn’t expect 400 (!!!) of you to play along.
This is going to take a while. And I also think it’s going to leave a mark.
Honestly, I was floored by the number of people who came out from hiding! I’ve had so much fun reading through the comments (and yes, I do read them all, silly people.)
There are people who are battling cancer, people who almost got killed by a shark, people who are pregnant, people who cringe when I drop the F-bomb (but still read anyway. Thank you.) There are girls named “Ryan”, people who have DickLords just like mine, there are AEROBIC DANCE INSTRUCTORS!
Speaking of Aerobic Dance… I had no idea so many of you enjoyed reading about my Adventures in Aerobic Dance. (Ha! Ha! “Adventures.”) I figured that they were annoying and not very funny to anyone except me, but I kept writing about it because I was obsessed with it and couldn’t stop myself. (And I was truly obsessed, to the point of canceling doctor appointments and fantasizing about punching Old Wimmins who were trying to take “my spot” in the class)
And yes, I had “a spot” in the class. Front, left, thank you very much.
Anyway, it was pretty great to read that some of you actually ENJOYED those posts and actually want me to start writing about them again. I will, but sadly, classes have been reduced to ONCE a week (blame the Step Class Bitches. IT IS THEIR FAULT.) I plan on making my triumphant RE-Return this coming Monday.
Whoa, I got all excited about Aerobic Dance Class and started talking about myself again. And this post isn’t about ME.
I wanted to mention two of the comments left in the delurking post that struck me as “Hilarious” and that I must share with everyone who didn’t feel like reading through all of the comments.
Let’s start with this one (which happens to be my favorite because she said LUBE)from Kate.

I have 786 reasons to enjoy your blog, but enough about you. Let’s talk about me:
My family doesn’t know this, but my cousin (and close friend, though I’m reconsidering that designation) has, in the past year, became a gay porn star (he was already gay, but not a porn star, just to be clear) and has had mcuh success. Like a lot. But I’m pissed– not because he’s a porn star or gay or crazy, even. Here’s what makes me so hostile and petty and rude and selfish: he didn’t bring a gift to my wedding this past summer. Hello?! He’s a PORN STAR!? Where were the wads of cash? Or the trips? Or even just some nice lube for the honeymoon? Excuse my lewdness, but it’s a thing about me and if anyone’s got a tip about how to weasel a gift out of him, let me know…
p.s. sorry to attempt to make this an advice column.

The nerve! Not even a Tube of Lube? Now, I have to admit that I’m a little jealous that I do not have a gay cousin. Wait, I think that I have a gay cousin, but he does not do porn. At least not that I know of. Now, if any of you clever people who read this (and I now know that there are at least 408 of you!) have any suggestions for Katie and how she can “weasle a gift” out of her porn star cousin, please feel free to leave them in the comments.
Next, I’d like to share with you THIS gem from Metalia. (And let me just tell you that Matalia is pretty damn funny. You’ll see.)

B) In the spirit of your request, however, hi! And something you don’t know about me is that I’ve never watched a soap opera in its entirety. Once, I watched Passions for 25 minutes, because my friend told me that there was a monkey nurse who had wedding fantasies about one of the characters, and I flat out did not believe her. After seeing the monkey in a wedding dress, I was horrified, and stood corrected. Sadly, I was fascinated as well. This is why I do not watch soap operas. I’m obsessed with what I saw until this day. (This is actually from my “100 things” list, so I’m sort of cheating, but it’s something I feel you should know about me, nonetheless.)

I emailed her right away because, while I knew that show was crazy from some of the previews I had seen, I had no idea there was a plotline involving a NURSE MONKEY who has FANTASIES about marrying a dude.
Her response will be filed under “ones that made me laugh until I cried (and quite possibly, ripped one.)”

So, I swear I am not making this up…also, I feel it is extremely important to point out a very key fact that I omitted in my comment: The monkey nurse? Yeah, her name was “Precious.” Not only do people watch this show, but apparently, Professor Google has informed me that a number of nurses were highly upset by this plotline, and its implication that a monkey could do a nurse’s job.
Whatever, yo. The point here is this:
In few brief moments that I watched, this is what I learned: Precious the monkey nurse was apparently in love with a tall dark and studly character on the show. She then had a daydream where she was walking down the aisle, in a monkey-sized wedding gown, towards the guy. I want to say there was a honeymoon sequence as well, wherein she donned monkey lingerie (mongerie?), but I think my brain may be making that up, for it is too good to be true.
Do you see why I can’t get involved with this? It’s just too much awesomeness.

Mongerie. MONGERIE!
Were it not for “delurking week” (oops, there go my eyes, rolling into the back of my head.) I probably would have lived my whole life without hearing that. (Mongerie!) Nor would I have known about The Nurse Monkey who wanted to get in on with The Stud (who was NOT a monkey). I would not have known that there were gay porn stars rolling in The Money who are too cheap to buy their cousins a wedding present. I would not have known about the people who I would not have known about each of the 405 of you that took the time to “introduce” yourself.
In all seriousness, the things that some of you said really did humble me and help put some things into perspective for me. I am grateful beyond words for the support that I have recieved from this little place called “My Blog.”
I don’t expect “everyone to love me.” (And, really? Who does? I mean, it would be nice, wouldn’t it? If everyone loved you? But I think most reasonable people understand that not everyone will. I also think the “NOT EVERYONE LOVES YOU.OR YOUR KID” thing is just something that people like to say to justify being an asshole on The Internet.) I actually think it would be quite easy to hate me after reading what I write here on a daily basis. But, here’s the thing. I’m not trying to be famous, or write a book, or get a TV show and I’m certainly not going around The Internet bothering people. I’m just here, writing about my life, because I enjoy writing. And the fact that people relate to what I write and feel connected to what I have to say is just sweet (chocolate) icing on “The Cake.”
(Whatever THAT means.)
So, thank you again for “delurking” and telling me a little bit about yourself. Now, watch your inbox for my response. It should be there by 2008. I promise.
DO NOT OPEN THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED LAST NIGHTS EPISODE OF THE OFFICE


P.S I cried when Dwight quit on The Office last night.

54 thoughts on “Title change courtesy of Internet Pervs.

  1. Tammy

    I think I started reading your blog when you were talking about how your inbox was really full and you felt bad because you hadn’t written people back and decided to make a fresh start and dumped everything. At least I think that was here. LOL. Good luck with all of those emails.

  2. Annie

    I, too, was floored when Dwight quit. But did you notice that he took his bobble head? Long live the Dwight!
    I commented on your post about lurkers too, but in true fashion of a Latina with way too much on her mind and too much multi-tasking going on, I forgot to tell you something about me.
    There – I think I did it in my previous paragraph. :)

  3. jules

    You brat! I hadn’t watched yet!!! He quits! You’ve got to be kidding! What else can I type that I can use excessive exclamtation points on?!!!!!

  4. clickmom

    I cried when Jim just didn’t admit that he is deeply in love with Pam. sniff, oh Jim, she longs for you!!!
    PS I didn’t “delurk” on that last post cause I have commented here many times before and my feeling got all hurt when you never emailed me back. Am I lame and insecure or what?

  5. Lisa

    Oh phooey, I meant to delurk in the delurking post but then I forgot and now I feel like if I delurk there, it’ll just be…I don’t know, I’ve sat here for two minutes trying to think of what it would be like. But I’ve commented a few times a least, so I don’t really feel like a lurker. I feel like I want you to move in next door to me so we can have coffee in the mornings and laugh until we pee in our pants just a little bit.
    I love your blog and how open and real you are and I laugh a lot when I read. Thanks for being you!

  6. s@bd

    I’m pretty much convinced you hate me, now. Not because you didn’t include my comment as one of your funniest (I’m a grown up – I can forgive) but because your ‘remember me?’ NEVER remembers me. I have to type in my contact info EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
    ahem.

  7. Lisa

    Oh, and when I read this post title I thought “What kind of freaks is she trying to attract with THAT title?”
    Now I’m going to go and google “monkey nurses” and see where you show up!

  8. Y

    I only hate 2.. no, wait, make that THREE people. (Well, unless we’re talking about Internet Hate because then, well, that number is more like 10.)
    Here’s the deal, my comment box is BROKEN and I am too stupid to figure out how to fix it. SO, this is what I’ll do, just for you, I will email some people and see if I can’t get them to help me out.
    NO ONE should have to type their info in EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
    NO ONE!!!!!!!

  9. Louise

    I didn’t delurk on the last post either, because I wasn’t around (my grandma died this week and I have been away), but I’m gonna delurk my face off here. Although does it count as de-lurking if I don’t consider myself a lurker because I used to comment alot back when you were at your old blog and then for some reason I just stopped commenting everywhere, not just here? Not that I’m too good for commenting, more like sometimes I feel like a big loser and why should people care what I have to say? But yeah, that’s not the one thing about me that you should know.
    Okay wait I can’t pick. Here are three. Because I’m just that fascinating.
    1) I’m bald. Not by choice.
    2) I teach jr. high and I get all indignant that the girls go around wearing Slutwear ™ even though I’m not an Old Lady! I’m only 30! Why am I such a prude?
    3) On the day of my wedding, my future mother-in-law had me running around all morning picking up coffees for her and things like that. I didn’t say anything about it but wow, did I resent that.
    Okay that’s all.

  10. Marmite Breath (a.k.a Nat)

    Kate’s story made me laugh because she said the word “wad” and that word makes me giggle uncontrollably. Especially when used in conjunction with gay porn.
    Also, Tammy must have started reading when you were dealing with some bitch (me) whining to the interweb about how Y did not write her back (waah, waah, cry me a fuckin’ river, Justin Timberlake). Sorry that I was such a schrute about the whole thing.
    I cry at The Office all the time. It is heartwrenching stuff. But then I laugh my ass off right afterwards, so it’s all good.

  11. Marmite Breath

    Oh, I forgot to put something that you don’t know about me………
    Well, can I put something that Dwight did not know. He did not know that Jim was going to whack him in the face. God, that was funny!
    Oh dear, I may be living too much in the TV land. Here is something that you really do NOT know about me. I am going to change my kids names to Dwight and Jim. One of my kids is a girl.
    That is all. I am obviously suffering from cabin fever and the snowstorm hasn’t even started yet. I’ll stop hijacking comments now.

  12. Ninotchka

    And were it not for YOU (and Matalia), I might have never read *this* post and known about a would-be monkey/nurse/bride on a cheesy daytime soap. AWESOME, indeed.
    (I also loved the rest of the post)
    (OK, back to semi-lurking for me.)
    :)

  13. Liz

    I totally fell asleep during My Name is Earl and missed The Office last night! And we don’t have DVR either, although apparently we should. My sister asked me why we don’t subscribe to it through the cable service and I said “Because if we don’t have it then I don’t know what I’m missing.”
    Except it made me think that maybe we should get it. I’ll add it to the list-of-things-to-do-that-never-get-done.

  14. starrynite

    OMG, I totally missed all that yesterday what with university and stuff and me slacking off with my blog reading duties, but I am SO glad I checked in today.
    Mongerie??? GENIUS!
    Also, I don’t consider myself a lurker, although I probably do lurk more than I comment, but mwahahaha if I comment now and tell you something you didn’t know about me then you will have to email me too. So just in the spirit of giving you even more to do 😉
    I pierced my own nose when I was 16 because I was “bored”. It was about 4am and I decided it was a good idea so I got some ice and sanitised a needle over a flame. I haven’t worn a nose ring in years, but the scar is still quite noticeable.
    Also, I pierced it really low on my nose, so it looked kinda dumb when I did wear a ring in it. But, you know, I was 16 and not an expert in body piercing.
    Apparently if you pierce your nose in the wrong place you could potentially paralyse your face. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I didn’t, so that’s okay.
    So there ya go, now you know something (slightly bizarre) about me.
    Awaiting your email :)
    Laura xXx

  15. Jennifer

    AAAAHHHH!!!!! Evil spoiler!!!!!!! I live in China and have not seen the episode yet!!!!! PLEASE, in this age of Tivo and shows being available all over the world (just a little later than in the U.S.), write SPOILER ALERT before you write “[insert spoiler here]”.
    Thanks, Jennifer
    Hey jules – is that enough exclamation points?

  16. Andrea

    I’m out of town right now (playing catch-up on my hubby’s laptop) and I SQUEALED when Dwight’s head hit the back of Jim’s seat. I so love, love, love Jim’s little smirks and quick wit. Such great timing!!

  17. TxSkatemom

    I didn’t delurk yesterday b/c I’ve commented before, too. But here’s something you didn’t know, but I’m sure you’re jealous now: I have 2! gay cousins. one male and one female! Although I heard that the lesbian is marrying a guy next month — I don’t buy it. After about 7 years of being lesbian, you don’t switch back, I don’t think.

  18. Chickadee

    It has been a long time since I’ve read your blog…but I’m back.
    I think I may have commented a time or two, but have been mostly a lurker.

  19. Kim

    well here’s another one for you, beeeyotch! a delurking comment, that is. and no – i do not think you are a beeeeyotch – but i’ve been SO shamefully lurking for about two years now that i feel as though i know you and can call you that. consider it a compliment. i love your stories and your wit, (and hopefully, that you won’t be offended that I called you beeeeyotch), and that, damn girl! you are REAL. if i were to continue it would be bordering on gushiness and almost pathetic. You Rock, lady!
    One thing that you should know about me is that most people would consider me outgoing and sociable, but i’m actually a total trainwreck of social anxiety. i never comment. never. booze helps. though more booze required before i provide the url to my blog, which is undergoing much suckage at the moment.
    p.s. it took me three days to work up the courage to comment.

  20. Rayshell

    Hi there…I am a long time reader but a damn lurker! anyhoo….I missed your last post so thought I would delurk a few days later! I really enjoy your blog and think you are even more awesome since you are a fellow office fan! One thing you should know about me…I’m big and prego with my first bebe! :)

  21. Leslie

    So I missed delurking day yesterday, sorry! I just had to say that I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES when Dwight left! It can’t be true!!! They have to get him back. If they don’t, I might have to actually STOP WATCHING the best show on tv, what with no Dwight and Jim dating that stupid Karen (Go Team Pam!!!).
    Something you didn’t know about me? I am a FREAK when it comes to The Office! Steve Carrell is the funniest man on television!

  22. Maria

    No, I think it would be difficult to hate you based on what you write here. You seem like a genuiely good person.
    And thank you for trying to get the comment box fixed.

  23. Bunny

    Dwight will SO be back by next week. I think it was just a stunt. The show would be nothing without him! I think maybe Angela will have to step up and declare her love for him to straighten it out!

  24. Suebob

    Note to Kate, because I live in the heart of the porn-producing world – male porn stars are paid peanuts. Really. They ought to be greeters at Wal-Mart for the money they get (ok, maybe it’s a little better than that).
    I think the theory is that, since so many guys want to get paid to schtup all day long, they can keep the pay low. Supply and demand, baby. It is one field where women make better money.
    An aside: one day in the Burbank airport I saw this group of about 10 women coming toward me. For some reason they looked both generic and familiar at the same time. Then I realized: porn actresses. They all had the big hair, ginormous breasts and huge lips. It was like a cartoon come to life.

  25. Carolyn

    I cried too! If you were a regular reader of my blog (all 47 entries in 18 months) which I’m guessing you are not, you’d know I have a very sensitive emotional trigger. My husband makes fun of me endlessly, but there it is. But I also laughed like a donkey when Jim slapped Dwight. The look on his face?
    Precious. Like a nurse-monkey wearing mongerie.
    (ps–isn’t the english language strange? Shouldn’t monkey and donkey, by rights, rhyme? Try pronouncing them to rhyme. Go ahead-it’ll make you laugh. Dunkey. Mauwnkey. Weird, huh?)

  26. Vertyeux

    Hi! Delurking late! Passions must be the most effed up soap ever! I only saw part of one episode once – though it didn’t have the monkey nurse. It had some kind of ventriloquist’s dummy or a male doll of some sort that walked around talking and it was supposed to be some character’s son. Truly effed up.
    Something you don’t know about me? Should be easy since you don’t know me. I’m short, and come from a family of shorties. At 5′, I’m the second tallest (my bro is 5’5″), theorectically, my mom should be using a booster seat to drive (the law in MA is that passengers under 4’9″ are supposed to use a booster seat – I dunno if there’s an age cutoff) since she’s only 4’8″. But while we are short, we are not little people.

  27. Itchy

    Mongerie!??!?!?! My new favorite word. I must try to use it in a sentence EVERY.DAY. This will be hard. I’ll have to try to start conversations about monkeys just so I can then throw out the mongerie word. Hmmm….this could be fun.
    And? Dwight CANNOT truly be gone. NO WAY. I’m in denial. He’ll be back.
    When Jim smacked him though? I had to instantly replay that one because I was thrown into a fit of laughter that created a black hole of hilarity around my eyes and ears and I couldn’t take in what happened next. Too much hilarity! I love it…
    But no…Dwight….he’ll be back. He HAS to be back…

  28. metalia

    Thanks for the shout out, Y! I’m so glad that you and others share my love for the existence of a mongerie-clad monkey. And of course, the word mongerie. 😉

  29. Kate

    Seriously, Suebob? I didn’t know that the male porn stars don’t make bank. I even had a knock-down-drag-out with my friend who said something akin to what you said. I mean, when you’re as close to the porn industry as I am (what with a FIRST cousin secretly becoming famous and all) you get to be pretty savvy about the ways of the sex work world. I’m going to stick by my original comment that he could have at least provided some nice lube– haven’t we all pilfered a few paperclips or post-its from the office? Surely there’s a tube o’ lube he could stick down his pants on the way out the door. Oh, and about the “secretness” of his porn star status– I’d like to note that my family is a bunch of tools (ha!) who haven’t seemed to notice that his “government job” requires a lot of time in LA and San Francisco. Also, apparently the government dress code now requires that shirts should be unbuttoned to mid-rippled-abs. Especially at weddings.

  30. Kate

    p.s. I never really did my de-lurking job of saying that this blog is brilliant (perhaps my porn star cousin story is really more about how how it’s always all about me–wait, do I hear the porn industry calling MY name???). Thank you, Y, for making me wet my pants sometimes.

  31. Jenny

    Monkey Nurse! Mongerie! OMG. I was just ranting yesterday about this show on the Discovery Channel about a Humanzee. Sadly, Oliver was proven to be just a chimp, but maybe the Monkey Nurse was a humanzee? Maybe?

  32. Lisse

    Occasional Visitor delurking.
    Suebob’s scene at the Burbank airport reminds me of some really horrible show with Pamela Anderson and a bunch of equally plastic women -V.I.P. ? I’m not even sure what it was about but it looked like a soft-porn Charlie’s Angels.
    Dwight will be back.
    Something you should know about me is that I claim to not watch a lot of TV, but the jury is still out.

  33. Jenny

    I delurked lastweek and I am making a pledge to stay delurked and contribute occasionally. Besides, who could resist posting a comment in reply to your Office reference? I love reading your blog for SO many reasons (I’m one of the people who really dug your aerobic dance stories and wait impatiently for the new installments!) but now I can add another – you love The Office too! You make me so happy Yvonne :)

  34. Mom2One

    Dwight quit? damn.
    I know, I know, you said not to read it, but when have I ever listened to instructions like that? Oh right, you don’t know me.
    Good post. I didn’t catch de-lurking week, and don’t want to add to your 408 or however many you have now. And I can’t top a monkey-nurse watching woman. But what a fun post. Really. What a really truly fun and funny post. 😀

  35. eireann

    me, too, about dwight.
    what’s sadder is that i then, in my post-office depression, looked up all the facts on a certain actor, and proceeded to get all squishy and weepy about him in real life, not just on the show. and i’m not talking about dwight, this time.

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