The one in which I can’t stop crying.

When I was in Kindergarten, my Grandpa would pick me up from school every Wednesday to take me somewhere fun. Usually, we’d go miniature golfing, or to the trampolines. Sometimes, he’d take me to the donut shop next door to where he worked, or sometimes, to the bar where all of his buddies hung out.
I remember driving in his station wagon, standing in the backseat, my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. “I love you, Grandpa.” I’d say. “I love you too.” He’d say back.
My Grandpa used to drink a lot and from what I’ve heard, he was a mean drunk. My Grandpa hasn’t had a drink in over 30 years because of his love for me. He says that he stopped drinking because I didn’t like the smell of beer. I once asked him if he loved Jesus and if so, why did he drink beer? He stopped drinking beer that day and hasn’t had a drink of any kind since.
My Grandpa always used to tell me that I was his favorite grandchild, because I was his first grandchild. I’ve always known that I had a special place in his heart. I can’t tell you how much that’s meant to me over the years, knowing that my Grandpa thinks so highly of me.
grandparents.jpgOne year, for Christmas, I asked my Grandparents not to buy me any presents, but instead, to fill out a “memory” book that I had bought for each of them. They agreed and on Christmas morning, I could barely stand the excitement. I wanted to read what they had to say, how they felt about me, how they met and fell in love, what their favorite childhood memories were.
To this day, those books are the best present I’ve ever received. I sobbed like a baby as I read through both of them. One thing in particular that my Grandpa wrote still makes me cry every time I read it. Even more so today, as he lay in a hospital bed with a blood infection, IV’s pumping medication through his tired, old body.

“The first time I held you in my arms… I felt like life was finally worth living”

There I go with the crying again.
My Grandma called me to tell me he’s not doing well and that he keeps asking for me. I was going to go see him this morning, but Tony and the boys want to go, so I’m going to wait until they get home from school/work. I don’t want to see him hooked up to IV’s and in pain, but I know I HAVE to see him.
The year I got engaged, the doctors didn’t think he’d live longer than a year. I was sick with worry that he wouldn’t see me get married.
Not only did he live to see me get married, he’s lived to see all three of my children and oh, how he loves them. My God, he loves them. He especially loves Gabby. Perhaps because she reminds him of the little girl who loved nothing more than cruising with him in his station wagon, singing songs about Jesus while wrapping her arms tightly around his neck because she loved him more than anything in the whole wide world.
I still do and I always will. I just pray to God that he gets better, because I’m not ready to say goodbye just yet. Selfish? Of course it is. But he’s the only Grandpa that I’ve ever really known and I can’t even begin to imagine my life without him in it.

71 thoughts on “The one in which I can’t stop crying.

  1. Julianna

    Go! Go as soonas you can. I hope things turn out for the better, habibti, but if not then you will have thousands of good memories and good feelings. And perhaps that is the best gift between you of all.

  2. Erin

    I love the idea of the books. What a precious gift to always have. And I dont think that it is selfish that you want him to live so that he can continue to be a part of you and your children’s lives. I am sure that he feels the same way.

  3. Chelle

    There is just nothing better than a good Grandpa. I had one too, and oh how I love him.
    I’m saying a prayer for yours.

  4. Tuesday

    I feel exactly the same way about my Grandma and she is sick in a hospital bed right now too.
    I know how hard it is and how sad. I wish my Grandma could live forever.

  5. Melanie

    My grandmother bought one for me the year I got married (10 years ago) I loved reading through all the things she wrote, she died 2 years later and when I am esp. lonely for her , it’s almost like getting a great big hug. My kids also love to look at it with me and realize thatv hey , mom was a kid too..

  6. Michele

    Dammit, now I am crying!
    Go and spend some great quality time with him … and let him know how much you love him.
    Those Christmas presents are great ideas. I’d love to see what mine would write – especially since it seems like I am just one of many.
    I’ll be thinking about you and your Grandpa and praying that some how, some way he gets better.

  7. Heather

    It is NOT selfish to want to hang on to him for as long as possible. He loves you, you love him, and you make each other’s worlds better.
    Whatever you do, see him every moment that you can. I lost my grandfather this summer, and I have spent SO much time regretting the times I chose not to see him, no matter how pressing the reasons seemed at the time. NOTHING is more important than seeing the people that you love as often as possible.

  8. Heather

    Also, I love the idea of the memory book. I think I might have to do that at some point in the very near future. It would be a great thing for me to do with my parents and my own (eventual) kids.
    Thanks for such a beautiful post.

  9. Zoot

    I’m so sorry, Hon. My thoughts are with you and I’m hoping for the best. You are so lucky to be close to your grandpa, and he is lucky to have you.

  10. Jessica

    I’m in much the same situation right now. My grandmother (the only one I’ve ever known) is in the hospital, in another town, 70 miles away, fighting an infection that may kill her. I probably won’t get to see her this weekend, because now my father-in-law and a couple of aunts have decided to visit.
    I wish I’d thought of the memory book thing, before Alzheimer’s took so much of her memories. Now I may never have the chance.
    I’m wishing you love, and grace, and comfort right now.

  11. chickadee

    You’re so blessed to have a grandpa like that. I’m praying he rallies – I know I’d want such a special man in my life and my childrens’ lives as long as possible.

  12. Tammy

    You made me cry. At work!
    I felt the same way about my grandfather. He was my best friend growing up. I still miss him as much as I did when he passed away 12 years ago. I hope that your grandpa gets better soon. I know the heartache when you lose someone you are that close too, and I wish it on no one.

  13. Summer

    Oh Y I am sorry he is sick. Hope he gets better soon. I have said a prayer. You are lucky you have him. All my grandparents passed away when I was very young. I don’t remember them well. You are in my thoughts.

  14. Melody

    You know Y, I can always count on you to make me laugh. To see things from the hysterical side, and to appreciate the silly things in my life. But today? You’ve made me cry. I am so sad for you. And right now my grandma is dying of cancer and we know she doesn’t have much time left. Every moment I think of her and pray that we’ll just get Christmas. It seems so far away. But as I read this, I KNEW I have to get one of those books for my grandma. I don’t know if she’ll even fill it out for me, but I just want those memories.

  15. Brian

    I am very new to this site as my wife sent the link to me so I could read about the Snip. I am going thru the procedure in a week myself and it is good to know that some cookies are in my future. Loves me some choc chips.
    I was certainly touched by your grandfather’s story. I know the feeling. My grandfather remains to this day the only man I would truly call a hero of mine. I lost him to cancer back in 1992.
    I wonder if you could make your own memory book about him and then share it. He would prob like that. I know I wished I could have said how much I loved my Pop Pop but did not take the chance.

  16. Miranda

    Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m going to give those to my grandparents this year. As close as I am to all 4 of them, there is so much I wish I knew or am afraid I’ll forget after they are gone.
    Good thoughts to you and yours. Seeing my Grandpa in the hospital was incredibly difficult but I’ll never regret going. It meant the world to him.

  17. jennster

    i bought my grandparents those books as well. gramps filled his out right away and grandma’s sits on the fucking coffee table NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TELL HER IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME TO HAVE IT. she still won’t write in it. lol
    i made my parents do one too- about 4 months before they split up. fuckers.

  18. Valeta

    Your post made me tear up. Its so sweet that you have these memories of your grandpa. Cherish them.
    My great grama passed 2 years ago and I will always remember talking to her the day I had my son. She had 15 kids, way more grand-children and I don’t even want to guess how many great-grand-children. Still she took the time to talk to me on that special day. I remember all her stories and what a great woman she was. :*)

  19. Susan

    There I go with the crying, too. I’m so sorry about your grandpa.
    You are so lucky to have those memories. I never knew either of my grandpas, and my favorite grandmother died when I was 4. My favorite aunt & uncle died before I hit 20, and then my parents and sister a few years after that. How I miss the family I knew growing up. Looking back, I had them for such a short amount of time; but I am so GRATEFUL I was so loved.
    All we can do is hold onto the memories, and know how blessed we’ve been.

  20. LostOurMarbles

    What a special man, I hope he recovers soon. I know something about that special relationship you speak of. My grandparents have always called me #1 grand-daughter and I have an extra special relationship with them b/c they took care of me when my mom (their daughter) died. I’ll be 30 tomorrow and am truly blessed to still have all four of my grandparents in my life. I know a part of me will die when something happens to any of them. Those grandparents sure are special people.

  21. kimblahg

    oh yvonne – i’m so sorry. i’m also glad that you have so many wonderful memories of your grandpa and the memory books they wrote for you (great idea). good luck with everything.

  22. jesseeezmom

    Oh Y.. I just love reading you! Your writing is amazing. I pictured a little girl standing up in the back seat ,arms around Papi’s neck, so we can’t even let our kids lay in the back wimdow of our cars OH NO they have to be in a seat belt- NO FUN at all!! haha kidding!! .
    Speaking as someone who’s really only had a close relationship with one grandmother who I lost to pancreatic cancer,(-my dad too, I’m 39 and only have a younger sister left alive, everyone else has passed over) please please send as much time as is humanly possible. Those are great memories he gave you and he deserves to take great memories of you visiting him, to heaven with him. Whether or not this is “it” he will love seeing you- you are his “favorite”! When my dad was alive there were 3 of us girls and whenever he vistited us he would always say to each of us (separately) ” Now you know YOU are my favorite daughter” Of course we all knew he said it to all of us, but oh how we loved to hear it and I know that we WERE his favorite daughters each in a special way. Go see your Grandpa and remind him why you are his favorite! Probably because he is your favorite Grandpa.
    (((((((Y))))))) this so too will pass

  23. chasmyn

    When I read what he wrote, I burst into tears as well.
    I’m visualizing your Grandfather healthy and well, holding Gabby in his arms and smiling at you.

  24. chrissylas

    Wow Y, that is a great story. I’m 22 and I try to call my grandparents every week because I know it makes them (grandma in particular) smile. I love them both so much. My grandfather was almost late for his own wedding… he literally climbed through the window in order to walk out at the front of the church. I used to be scared of him because he’s a pretty gruff, exmilitary man but once I got to know him I learned all kinds of interesting information like that. Does anyone know where I could find books like that for grandkids to write for grandparents? That would be the ultimate Christmas gift. My grandparents are worth more than anything I could ever give them but that might make them smile :)

  25. Nila

    You giving your grandparents those memory books is just another example of your awesomeness.
    My thoughts are with you, hang in there.

  26. Mama Jen

    There are no words that I can say that could possible make you feel better right now, so the only thing I’m going to say is:
    {{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}

  27. Janet

    Y, I am sending all the good vibes I have for your grandfather’s recovery. I was the first granddaughter on my father’s side and I also had that special relationship with my grandpa. I was going to have him walk me down the aisle when I got married, but he died two weeks before my wedding. I’m glad your grandfather has been there to see your children. {{{{{}}}}}

  28. Fold My Laundry Please

    Your Grandfather is in my family’s prayers tonight. Be strong, he lived a long life and you had a HUGE part in making that life better for him. Just remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of his children and if that plan includes bringing your grandfather home soon, He will still be watching over you and your family. He is there watching and He will never ever forget you!

  29. Mona

    I’m lost for words, all I can say is you’re extremely lucky to be loved by your grandpa, I didn’t have both grandpas and grandmas growing up, he’s such a special man and I wish he recovers soon. My prayers for him from the bottom of my heart and wish for his recovery.

  30. Stephanie

    I’ve seen those books somewhere before. Do you know where to get them? Aren’t they ordered from a magazine. Oh I wish I had one from my Granny and papa. To late now, but I can get them for my girls.

  31. Alana

    Hello… I have been reading your blog for several months now. I don’t even remember how I found out about it… I find you to be perhaps the most real person I have ever… well… not that we have met, but the most real person I have ever met none the less. You say the things that most of us feel in life, no matter how touchy the subject. I look forward to reading your posts everyday from the opposite side of the country.
    I lost my grandpa last year, and my oh my how that pain is still so fresh. I did go see him the month before he passes away because we knew he didn’t have long. I will cherish that visit forever. I feel like it was the final piece in his puzzle of life, and man oh man was that puzzle was a master piece!! Go see him!! Go see him NOW! It will be so painful and gut wrenching, but just as it will provide him with peace it will you as well. I have had no regrets since by grandpa passed away because I know he knew we were at peace with God and with each other, and he could go be with Him, and all things would be right.
    I will be thinking about you and your family through this time… truely I will.
    Oh, I also promise I am not a psycho lurker!! You keep on bloggin girl! You have no idea the nerves you strike in your readers, and how very much you are not alone in your fears and “issues”!!!

  32. steen

    I’m rooting for your grandpa, Y. A man that loves you that much shouldn’t be taken away so soon. I’ll be thinking of you both!

  33. KatWoman

    This entry really touched my heart. My grandfather was one of the most important people in my life, too. He was my biggest cheerleader. I lost him about 2 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don’t talk to him. I was truly blessed to have a man like him in my life.
    You will both be in my prayers.

  34. Jennifer

    Delurking to let you know you’ve got me sobbing at at the screen. This is a beautiful post. I love it. I love you. I love your grandfather.
    We have made some sacrifices so our son can live near his grandpa, and I so so so hope his relationship with is grandfather is half as magical as yours is.

  35. Beka

    You’ve got me crying too. I know of this all too well.. I’m so sorry. I hope he gets better, and I pray that you’re family can cope with whatever happens.
    ((BIG HUGS))



  37. SJ

    Very touching. Sounds like you have great memories that you will treasure forever. Enjoy your time with him, cherish it. I’ll be thinking about you and your grandpa.

  38. Stephanie

    Okay- after reading this I had to find those books. I ordered 5 today. They are about $10-$12 each. If you spend $25 they ship for free.

  39. SeaChelles

    Why, oh why, did I have to read this the day I started my period?
    Beautiful post.

  40. jonniker

    I’ve been thinking about you after seeing this. Grandpas rule – I never had one that I knew, but my husband’s has been nothing short of amazing for me.
    Much love to you (I keep checking back hoping for an update, and will keep thinking of you)

  41. Kyla

    Are you okay, Y? I am worried….come back and let us know, okay? Here are some just in case ((((hugs)))) use them at your leisure.

  42. Marriage-101

    Oh you just made me cry! I lived with my grandparents until I was 12. I’m also the first, and the “favorite” I guess you could say and was always grandpa’s girl.
    Last year, I got engaged in Florida, and just as we arrived home, I got a call saying my grandpa had a massive heart attack and was in the hospital. I remember showing grandpa my engagement ring while he was laying in the hospital bed hooked up to all those IV’s and monitors. I didn’t think he’d see me get married. But he did and we even danced together at my wedding. I pray that I’m as fortunate as you and that God keeps him around to see my children.
    Thoughts and prayers for your grandpa.

  43. Erin

    My prayers are with your grandpa, and with you, Y. I lost the only gpa I’d ever known seven years ago and I still miss him every day. Love to you and yours.

  44. Barry

    I am Grandpa. I cry everyday. I’m crying now. My Grandchildren are the most importent in my life. But I lost them. Two and a half years ago my wife of 27 years and her sister went to family court to say I threatened her. The sheriff gave me 5 minets to get out.
    For the past 2 1/2 years I have been crying everyday because I lost my wife who I dearly love to this day. Durning this time I grew exteamly close to Megan. She is 7 years old now. She loves her Grandpa like every grandpa wants to be loved. She showed me in many different ways how special I am to her. She really makes me happy when we are together.
    Her Dad, my son-in-law has never liked me much. But he really started to show it when my wife left me. Megan and her younger sister spent many overnights and we took them everywhere.
    After the divorce I was having problems with a medication. I fixed that but he said I can not drive the girls anywhere because I may have an accident and kill the girls. I drive a school bus for a living and never ever have had an accident.
    With the med problem cleared up he switched to suicide. He said I may commit suicide in front of the girls. Next was drinking. I did drink but quit so I could be with my Grand daughters. I would never have drank in front of them anyhow.
    There were a couple more reasons after that. But one day I asked my daughter if I could PLEASE take the girls to Childrens Theater. She told me that her husband thinks I may kill the girl, as in murder.
    Today I am no longer able to see them until they find me when they turn 18. I may not live that long but I sure as hell am going to try.
    But here is the part that hurts me more then anything. What did they tell the girls to make Grandpa disapear? I know the girls are sad not to have their Gramdpa, but what do they think? What were they told? If they were told Grandpa bailed out on them, that will kill me. That is the kind of hurt that my sweet little darlings will have to live with the rest of there lives. No matter what lie they were told, it has to hurt.
    When I read the testimonials of how much you all loved your Grandmas and grandpas you realize how importent we are in our grandchildren lives.
    When Megan was watch a movie with my wife and I, 4 years ago, she asked where Hiedi’s mother was. We told her she had died. That poor little girl began bawling hard and said, “Everybody needs a mother”. She broke my heart. I was there when she was told Mary and I were getting a divorce. Again her heart was broken.
    I do not understand why parents can be so cruel. I know I am her favorite granpa, and now I am gone.

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