(I’ve been wanting to write about this for weeks. I wrote a little something on Flickr, and I’m going to post those words here until I’m able to express myself on this issue in the way that I want, without having an emotional breakdown.)
the scale. the measuring tape.
i’ve long let the numbers on those things dictate my value as a human being.
when the numbers go up, i hate myself. i feel worthless, i feel like i have no voice. i feel repulsive.
right now the numbers are up. and i am avoiding people, avoiding shopping for clothes. unable to enjoy the simple things in my life.
i think of my kids. of my daughter. this has to stop. now.
i hate that scale. and yet? i hold onto it for dear life. it’s all i’ve ever known. i’ve never known living without it. i might as well wear it around my neck all day long because it goes with me whever i go.
i need to rid my life of it. it’s killing me. it’s robbing me of joy.
i need to let it go, but i don’t know how.
i want to be free. free to live. free to love. free to be who i am regardless of the numbers. regardless of the inches.
i just don’t know how.